Nicole in Korea 9

Happy Holidays!!!

I know it has been about a month since I sent out my last edition but I have been super busy! I have been belly dancing so much I think I am beginning to do it in my sleep! Between the performances and salsa dancing on the weekends, and my lunatic personal trainer, I am getting pretty fit! I think my personal trainer is becoming obsessed! I am going to have to slide out of there soon before I disappear!

Work is great! I got a raise and a bonus! I have been recognized as an S-level teacher (which is the highest level) and everything is going pretty smoothly. I have been doing winter intensives, which means I teach three classes a day instead of two. It sounds like something simple, but it is really pretty intense (I suppose that’s why they are called ‘intensives’, huh?). As you all know, I am not good with staying completely put for long so I am looking into teaching for the Department of Defense Schools- which would allow me to teach AND travel as I please…and the benefits are GREAT! I am sure that working for the DOD School System will be a plus on my resume when I apply for the Secretary of Education position in 20 years….or I can work for DODS and retire altogether in 20….with full benefits!

My health is doing wonderfully…for the most part! I still need to figure out how to get some more iron and sugar into my blood stream but I am sure that will work itself out! I am even undergoing an allergy treatment to convince my body that caffeine is not a bad thing! I have been increasing tolerance and maybe by the end of March or April, I’ll be able to have a cup of green tea! or a Rum and Coke! (Lol…just kidding)

The weather is becoming easier to deal with. I am slowly figuring out how to stay warm! As usual though, I cannot keep my hands warm…I don’t think I get blood to my hands or something because they are always cold! And my feet too! Below is the view out of my window! We’ll see how it feels in January. I am investing in good warm gloves….
God I miss the tropical weather!

I find time to socialize and enjoy things. Everyday is great! I have had no bad days here! I think it’s just a different attitude about things that has transformed all of my days! I am very very happy. I cannot think of another time in my life that I have even come close to the level of happiness that I am experiencing here. I feel like I am working with a purpose. I am in love with life and that is just the best feeling ever!

I miss you all so much. I have decided that if I do stay over here in Korea for another year or more, then, I will return to the US for a month or so to see everyone…and to go shopping!!!! I need to shop in stores where a size 6 is not considered Large… a 10 is plus size!!

I have never felt more blessed than I do at this very moment! And I must say that each of you has contributed to this moment in one way or another… I love ya’ll!!

Just Put the Baggage Down

Many times, I have thought about how each experience, each new encounter, each new person, each new thought adds color to my life. The richness of the lessons I learn, from the feelings I have the opportunity to personally define and recreate, have proven essential to the redecoration of my life.

When we date, in the years before marriage (or in those years between marriages), we enter into a path of successive approximation, whereby we gradually increase our standards and move closer to our goal incrementally. By dating and getting to know other people more intimately, we somehow find ourselves revealing our own idiosyncrasies to the world around us. We develop and demarcate specific standards that correspond to our personal needs, wants, and expectations for the future.

That scary moment comes when we decide that the dating stage is over. That moment when we determine that we have grown to a point from which we would like to share future growth with one other individual, is one of the most heart wrenching moments in our lives. That minute when we realize that building ourselves through families and partnerships is life changing. For once that moment has come, our actions and attitudes toward those who have not reached this point, change drastically, as do our attitudes toward dating in general.

Each of us looks back in reflection and says: Who have I become? Who do I want to become? And how can this person help me to get there? This is when relationships drastically end, become immobilized, or take sharp unexpected turns to get on the desired course. Unfortunately, those desires and expectations are not aligned with reality and the courses ends in a devastating collision between reality and make believe. And, then what?

I was desperately trying to avoid this collision. And in my avoidance, I may have chosen to avoid relationships altogether, constantly seeking flaws in my mate or myself that would prevent me from committing to such a catastrophe. I determined that I was not CAPABLE of a serious long term relationship, or marriage. I conceded to not being ‘wifey material.’ I used everything, my illness, my weight, my location, my past, everything, as excuses as to why I should just be alone. It almost immobilized me.

So, now, instead of trying to predetermine my own path, I have resigned to allow my footsteps to be lead by God’s will. And suddenly, I don’t feel so afraid. I know now, that I am being groomed and cultivated like a flower in a meadow, by every person I encounter, by every relationship I enter, by every path that crosses mine. While I am not looking for anything from anyone, I will not run from a serious relationship anymore…I am going to listen to my heart more and I know that as soon as God thinks I am ready, he’ll send someone…when I least expect it.

Recently, I have been blessed with encounters with many wonderful people. I have, as a result, begun to blossom as a person. I have begun to express myself, defend myself, and to be honest with others and myself, no matter the perceived consequences. The more I grow as a person, the less I need to lean on my baggage. I am also learning how to pack lightly--getting rid of the things I don't need to carry around, and learning how to just put the baggage down for a little while. I mean, who travels and carries their bags with them all day, everyday? This is my journey, I can leave the bags for a while.

Seasons Greetings!!

The fire of summer’s sun permeates the leaves and creates fall. As the heat passes from one element to another, the weather we experience vacillates between cool and warm, hot and cold, sunny and wet. The brilliance of the sun is reflected in each leaf, as it turns to a beautiful jewel sharing its colors with gold, rubies, and amethysts.

And then, once the leaves can take no more of the summer’s warmth, they fall wearily to the ground, leaving the trees barren, colorless, and emaciated. Because the limbs won’t intercept the flakes, the snow drifts merrily and gracefully to the ground, covering all it encounters. The trees, barren and dull, permit the white splendor of winter to assume the spotlight. The beauty of winter is accessorized harmoniously with the bold and brilliant colors of the sky, the deep blues, the many hues of pink, orange, yellow that accompany the extraordinary sunrises and sunsets that only winter offers.

And then, when the white grows tired and restless, and the sky tired of carrying the burden of being bright and perfect, the greens and colorful flowers of spring return and carry the torch. The rain cleans the world of the impurities that may keep the green from returning. And the flowers, in every color imaginable, suddenly appear, peeking between the leaves, blooming, blossoming, and coming into their own.

As the season continues, the flowers of spring are replaced with those of the summer; even bolder, more courageous, and outspoken.

And when, they are too loud, the sun quiets them, calms them, and passes their energy to the leaves…and the cycle begins again.

In House Renovations

Amazing. That's how I would describe the way I feel right now. It has been a long long time since I have been so at peace with my life. In fact, let me amend that statement: I have never been so at peace with my life. I have realized that peace exists on so many different levels, but to achieve real peace, you HAVE to start on the innermost level.

I found that I had to find peace within myself. I had to dig around and talk to that person that no one but me has ever met. That person that I conceal from even myself, at times. That person to whom I push all of my pain and frustration, that person who carries the heavy burdens and the hardships, the person who gives and sacrifices everything she has for the well being of everyone else and who never ever asks for anything in return. This is where I started.

When I got there, she was a wreck! Imagine walking into a room where nothing is in it's rightful place, where things have been broken or damaged from being stepped on and/or thrown around. There are so many bags in this room, it's difficult to even get through the door. It's hard to breathe, there is no air...walk too far in and you too will suffocate. No air and lots of tears makes the room warm and humid. Unbearable. This was my room. This is where I lived...better yet, this is where I almost died.

The humiliation of the room's condition prevented the invitation of guests. So no one ever knew what was behind that closed, locked, dreadful door. On the other side of the same wall, everything was pristine, immaculate, beautiful. This is what I showed the rest of the world. I could have sold the house on this part alone.

But eventually the mess of the room began to overflow into the rest of the house. The smell of my dying body permeated the air; the frame of the house began to swell because of the humidity. It even began to show on the outside. I let the grass on the lawn become overgrown. I stopped painting the shutters. And after the season of storms, it was really looking tattered.

My house was not in good condition. It affected everything. An infestation of mold, growing like cancer, was taking over my house. Pretty soon, everything in my life became part of my jungle. It was too difficult to deal with. I had no idea where to go and who to call. I was lost in my own house. Lost in my own person. I had no way out.

I'd spent so much time looking strong that eventually, I was too weak to support my own weight. To everyone who never rode down my block, I was a success. I have always been an excellent student, liked by most people, and full of energy. But everything was beginning to fade.
Finally, it happened. I ran out of tears. I decided, with some motivation from a cute little seven-year old girl, that I was going to get my life together. I went to school, focused on my classes but also on myself. I began to reflect on the many things that had caused me to fear life. I thought about reasons and explanations for the many failed relationships, the feigned happiness. I decided right then that I wanted real happiness. And I set out on this mission. I called it the PEACE CORE (I went into high intensity danger zones in search of peace.)

I started to deal with things I hadn't dealt with before. I began to search for alternative ways to view the events that had plagued my life. And most importantly, I began some serious spring spiritual cleaning. I just threw out things that didn't matter. And to be honest, I'd been harboring many inconsequential things. Getting rid of those things made it possible for me to get more indepth with the things that do matter the most.

It has been 15 months since this transformation began. I can honestly say, that while that room isn't quite as clean as I want it to be, it's well on its way. And, my grass is cut, the shutters are repaired...although there are somethings that can be done still....but, I am working on each thing one day at a time.

Thanks to this experience in Korea and to the unexpected miracles I have met, the last three months have been fantastic! I honestly believe that God puts people in your path, makes you trip over them even, so that they can help you up. I grabbed a helping hand and it has been amazing. I have smiled everyday, learned to love me inspite of my imperfections, and am realizing that I do have something to offer the world.

I have been able to voice my aspirations in ways I never thought possible. I am now working toward a goal, I have a mission...and, although it sounds a bit cliche, I have a dream. And with God's help, my own determination, and the support of people in my life, I will realize it! I promise.

Doriannicole in Korea 8

Greetings to My Peeps Back in da Hood(s)!!

Ok...I am sorry. It has just been a while since I have had the opportunity to be ethnic!! Ok... I’m done now...

Anyway, I am just emailing with my new updates and happenings from the other side of the world!! I guess I’ll start with the most important information first!

I competed in a belly dance exhibition/competition sponsored by UNICEF on Sunday. There were 38 pairs competing for the top 5 slots. They were from all over Korea. I am proud to say, that I danced alone, half naked, on a stage in front of more than 1,000 people (mainly business men in black suits) for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Our routine (my partner and me) consisted of a 3 min solo for her, 2.5 min duet, and my piece at the end. I am waiting for pictures as no one was permitted cameras, except members of the press and random hired photographers. I have some backstage pictures taken just before makeup that I have attached. (ignore the love handles... I’m working on them!) In the end, we came in 5th place! Which for me was a great achievement!!! I’d expected to be like 37, 38... so this was fabulous! (I am not going to mention how nervous I was before and during and how I bottled everything up and saved it for the massive vomiting session immediately following my performance! Not a pretty sight... maybe next time I won’t be so crazy...)
Over the weekend, winter showed up. I had previously thought that winter had already come...but nope! It proved to me yesterday that this may be the coldest winter I’ve ever lived through! Yesterday brought with it frozen rain, and then flurries... and wind...like Chicago wind....it was a cold I’d not seen in a long time. And this is just the beginning. It snowed a little last night, and today’s sunny high of 36 and tonight’s expected low of 21 is not exactly comforting. So, I am asking for anything you have to keep me warm... It doesn’t matter that I’ve made it down to a US 10/12 in clothing size; I’m still too big to shop here!!! I did find a coat though. I got it today!! I was nice and warm (almost) on the walk home from work....now I need some good gloves and some winter boots... I am looking online.
I am still loving my job. My students are great! Still funny, still witty, and still making me smile on a daily basis. I have a great schedule and am hoping for the same or similar schedule next term. We only have three more weeks until the end of the term! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing. I keep myself so busy that I don’t keep up with the calendar!! I feel like I wake up and say: Oh my, it’s already November! And I think, didn’t I just say this last week about October?
I got a webcam so you all can see me!! If you use skype to call me, we can do a video call and you can see me. It also works with msn and aol...I’m pumped up about it...so go back to the old email I sent and download skype!!
There was a strike in my building so no one cleaned for 3.5 weeks...trash was piling up everywhere... so you know I had to be ignorant and make a big complaint and demand that it be cleaned up....they cleaned our floor and the front of the building!! I was shocked!!! Nicole has some authoritaaayy!!! My Korean is getting better each day, I understand about 70% of what I hear the first time (an increase of about 70% since I got here!) and I can communicate pretty clearly and effectively (although I use very formal speech and my electronic translator, at times).

I have no more news, I am so busy these days that I forget what I wanted to tell you guys before I get a chance to write!!

I need some tastykake butterscotch krimpets and some PAM non stick spray (original or olive oil)!!! Send me letters or something, the only things I ever get in the mail are bills in Korean! (Although I got a nice birthday card and a mommy sent care package...by the way mom, I am out of vanilla oreos!) I miss you all a lot, sort of.

Love Always,

Doriannicole

Random...But I like stuff like this!! From an email...

From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonderabout those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have allbeen in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How aboutachieving 101%? What equals 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will getyou there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Nicole in Korea 7

Hellooooooooo Over There!!!!!!

First, I am writing to address the 110 million (ok, slight exaggerationJ) emails that I received about N. Korea. I am going about life here as normally as before without any interruptions. As it stands, we just stay abreast of the news and keep on trucking. No one seems overly worried and most agree that N. Korea has basically signed their own death certificate by challenging China, their closest and basically only ally. That said, tensions are minimal...there was more about the Yankee’s pitcher crashing his plane than nuclear threats. So, in the words of ...well somebody...’”I’m aiiiight!”

Second, things are absolutely wonderful here. I LOVE where I live more and more each day! I am learning so much in my Korean class. And, what makes it even better is the fact that I use everything I learn in class immediately. So, it sticks better. In my building, there is everything. I could exist without ever leaving... there are restaurants, bridal zones, a state of the art gym, my belly dancing classes, three convenience stores, and the list goes on... I haven’t explored the entire building. I’ll wait till it’s really cold, because u know I am not going to be running around Seoul in the snow...

Classes are excellent. It’s hard to believe we are already finishing week 7 of this term. I am celebrating the highest retention rate (got an award!) and the company’s CEO sat in on my class during his visit to the campus. He told me that I was an excellent teacher and that he thoroughly enjoyed his time in the class. I also have been enjoying similar comments from students and parents. It makes me feel good that I can do something so well...but I feel better knowing that I am going to get the maximum bonus at the end of the term (4 more weeks!!) J

My students are HILARIOUS!!! They are the most clever kids with whom I’ve ever worked. I can’t even think on that level sometimes. For instance, this week, I decided to make some rules for our second hour activity, the creation and performing of a dialogue in which the students get new vocabulary and a quick prompt. Each week, in every class, no matter the prompt...the end result is always either murder, calling the police for something, bribery, or something involving a bleeped swear. So, I banned all of the above from their dialogues. At first, they were upset and complaining (to which I flung my arm up-in complete hokey doke fashion- and started singing ‘Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care’. They have a LOVE/HATE relationship with that song!! J ) but then, they got creative...damn kids. They still shot each other in a fit of anger but the other person didn’t die. They called the AMBULANCE...not the police... I even had students who referred their cases to the FBI instead of the police. In other words, they went all around my rules to achieve the same goal...violence. (I must admit, I was impressed and I laughed my head off during the performances!)

My social life is likewise busy. I went shopping the other day and bought myself a very Korean mini sweater-dress! I am still in shock. It is to be worn with my brand new boots that I had custom made for $100 dollars. (I’d pay almost that much for boots that hurt in the US!) Wait until I put all of that together...it’s going to be great....

I am always gone somewhere with somebody. No rest for the weary. So if you are trying to reach me but getting voicemail, DON”T GIVE UP! I check it and hear all messages. I just can’t always call you back due to time differences. When time goes back at the end of the month, we will still be 14 hours ahead of you. But overall, all is well. Life is good. No complaints from me!! I miss you all soooo much. I can’t wait to send you new pictures...just too busy for the camera lately... but I’ll get back on the ball. Attached is the most recent picture of me... Now, I have already been likened to chik-o stick candy, circus peanut candies, and orange sherbet popsicles. I will send a new one with more muted clothing next time.

Love you!!

Doriannicole

Nicole in Korea 6

Helloooooooo over there!!!

My camera is officially broken! L I have to take it to a repair shop...(it might be a while guys...)

It’s okay though because I look like crap anyways. I messed around and had some soup last night. It was vegetable soup but the broth...it was BEEF broth. Needless to say, I have been vomiting all night. I now cannot even hold anything down. This morning, I damn near passed out trying to run, so I went to the hospital (conveniently located next to my apartment bldg.) and they told me that aside from food poisoning (associated with beef bacteria?), I was extremely dehydrated. They made me stay in the hospital with an IV attached to give me fluids. He tried to give me a medication that would keep me from vomiting...didn’t work. It came up too. After about 4.5 hours there, I ‘snuck out’ of the hospital. I told the nurse that I was going for a walk. And I did ( I just didn’t come back). Instead, I went to work, they sent me home. (I didn’t even get a choice L) My boss came home with me and made me some boiled water and salt crackers (don’t ask, I didn’t), sat here for about an hour until I fell asleep, and left a very nice get well note for me in the window.

On a much brighter note, life is good (as long as I stay AWAY from beef)! I am enjoying everything as much now (if not a bit more) than I did when I came here. It is hard to believe we are coming up on two months already!! It’s been a blast. I am in the best of all worlds now. My bosses think I am ‘an asset to this branch...in fact, you’re an asset to the entire company.’ I got that in a note from the BIG DAWG!! I corrected so many quizzes that I now make them.... EVEN MORE MONEY FOR ME.... It’s just an extra 650 dollars a month for 16 hours a month. So, I work a grand total of 136 hours a month and make more than I did stateside in 3 months. Not bad... I love it. The best part is that I absolutely love my students and all of their clever wit and kind spirits. They keep me on my toes and they keep me laughing...and I do the same for them.

We had a listening activity for one of my classes. It was an interview with a psychologist about shyness. During this SEVEN minute long track, he said that ‘shy people tend to have less intimate relationships, less sex, less fun...’ Well, wouldn’t you know it? My students picked up on that sentence QUICK. As soon as the track was finished my very bright elementary student Eric said: ’Nicole, you are not shy at all; you are very outgoing. So does that mean you have a lot of sex?’ I looked at him, trying desperately to mask my horror, and was about to tell him that asking about people’s sex life is rude in America, when I was saved. Lauren, another student, jumped in and said “Duh Eric, you’re so stupid. Nicole is not even married!” to which all of the students in the class chimed in : ‘Yeah Eric, that was a dumb question!’
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! Thank God for small miracles...so smart yet so innocent!! I just moved on to the next topic.

I’ve met some very interesting people. I went to church last Sunday. It was a very unique experience. I enjoyed it, I think. I am not sure I agree with everything said in the service but it may have been something lost in translation. I got up to leave after service and was swarmed by the church’s worker bees.... ‘Where are you going? Aren’t you staying for fellowship?” So after church, I spent another hour socializing with the church people. It was fun but not like church at home. I have also been making friends in random places... in the bank, in the metro, on the bus, in the market, etc. So, by last weekend, my phone was ringing off the hook...I couldn’t even rest because everyone was calling to go out/hang out. This weekend is already off to the same start. But, because I don’t feel well, I think I am going to stay in for a couple days and recuperate.

I miss you guys (not enough to come back J). I can’t wait to hear from you. You can send care packages at any time (Just remember, I am allergic to chocolate, caffeine and I don’t like coconut). Anything else is game though!! J

Love Always,

Doriannicole

P.S. P.S. P.S. P.S.
1. Mommy, please send my sweaters before I freeze over here!!! Thank you.
2. Anyone in the DC, VA, MD area (can you send me some Tastykake butterscotch crumpets?)
3. Altoids cinnamon gum would be FABULOUS right about now!

Nicole in Korea 5

Greetings Everyone!!

I know that it has been almost three weeks since I sent the last installment of ‘Doriannicole in Korea,’ but I have been extremely busy. First, I finally moved into my apartment! Yayee!! It was somewhat dramatic because I spent so much time in the hotel. I was dying to get out of there. While it was a nice hotel, certain things just erked every nerve I had. For one, the housekeeping went through my belongings on a daily basis. At one point, I came in and there were 5 housekeeping staff members in my room!!! Nothing was ever taken, as that would be ‘of the highest disgrace,’ but the nosey wenches just unfolded and wrinkled all my clothes, mixed them all up... and ya’ll know how I am about my stuff...I have particular orders for things! But anyway, I am out and in my apartment.

I was told that my apartment would be fully furnished. I am sad to say, that is not by Western standards. Fully furnished here means, washer/dryer, gas range, heat/ac, refrigerator, etc. So, when they handed me the book of ‘furniture’ I was picking out stoves (none with ovens) and refrigerators. J HAHA!! I was a bit taken aback but it’s okay. Definitely a WTF moment though! I designed the living room and it won’t cost much to make this place just perfect. The apartment itself is PERFECT!! I love it! I decided to have a roommate because I just didn’t want to get lonely when Korea started to get on my nerves. I met her in the states and we just happened to be here at the same time. It’ll be awesome. With our work schedules, we don’t see much of each other, though. This may be a good thing, never know. J The apartment is spacious (2 bedroom, 1 bath) with living room and kitchen! The floors are hardwood, there’s lots of cabinet space, and my closet is fit just for me. Lots of compartments and places for me to do what I love to do most, ORGANIZE!! We are on the 5th floor so we have a pretty nice view. I chose the apartment that was most comfortable on the inside rather than that which had the better view. This one shows some of the mountains, but not as much. It’s okay though because I am less than a block from the river, the park, the beautiful views, etc. And I work with an awesome view from my classroom! So, I’ll be okay!

Work is good. It can be a bit challenging because the students are SOOOO DAMN SMART!!! Damn those ASIANS for sending their kids to school for 100 hours a day! HAHA! You always have to be on point, because they will correct ANY mistakes you may make. Luckily, I teach listening, which is GREAT for me. It’s like stand up comedy. It’s fun, the students enjoy it, and they are learning all kinds of new words, phrases, and proverbs. I have used colloquialisms and slang during class, and the sponges that I teach spit them back out correctly almost immediately. I always say, ‘You get one....and you don’t know how to act.’ So one day, I said to a student; ’You get one little A and you don’t know how to act’. Later, in their creative dialogue (where they create a dialogue) he tells the other character, ‘You have one little fly in your soup, and now you don’t know how to act!’ I almost fell on the floor!! I was rolling! This happens almost everyday, and the kids spend most of their night just laughing and me laughing at them. Somehow, we do finish all of our assignments!


On the fun note, I went out this weekend to a bar/club event, and won a ‘dance off.’ I must say, inhibitions aside, I can shake my bum pretty well... (at least by Korean standards!). I met a guy who teaches hip hop dance here. It was awesome. I really had a great time. I am starting my Korean classes this week and I am going to take belly dancing classes starting in two weeks. (I just think it will be lots of fun and good exercise!) Somehow, I have broken my camera... so no new pictures for you yet. I have some, but I have to find another way to get them on the computer. And, I have changed my hair once again! No more braids. Pictures of everything will be coming soon to an email account near you. BTW, fall came over the weekend. It is officially chilly outside.

More customs for you all to learn:
Never enter a home without taking off your shoes. This means that you must wear easy on/off shoes and have clean, non holey socks! J
Women cannot laugh/show emotion in front of someone of higher status without covering their mouths/faces. So my female students laugh by tucking their heads, covering their mouths, and laughing quietly (although sometimes, not so quietly).
Always bring a gift when you are invited to someone’s home...anything will do (I brought some fruit from the corner fruit stand when I visited my coworker’s parents)
Almost all Koreans have cell phones (I do too!). For this, if you don’t have one, your status drops immediately. I just used the ‘I’m new’ excuse. But I had to get one soon.
To set up an appointment doesn’t mean it is going to happen at that time. In the US, if I say, meet me at the café tomorrow at 10am, and you say ‘ok’, it’s done. Here, I must call you at 9:30 am to confirm. And if I am late, no worries. No one get’s mad. When making such appointments, people always say ‘around 10am’ so 10:15 is fine. J Great for some people I know back home!
Finally, going to the Market is fun as hell. Everyone gets these little green toothpicks. And you hold on to your toothpick for the duration of your shopping experience. There are always tons of free samples. You can be ignorant about the samples. People don’t just take one; they stack the food on the stick as much as they can. They will also kill for a sample. They are jumping over each other trying to get the stuff first! They are yelling, and the employees are yelling... they don’t even wait for the stuff to be ready to sample! Funny, funny, funny! I fall right in line!!!

Also, there are some things here that blow my mind everyday. It seems that each day, I find some other smart, ingenious new gadget or something that just amazes me.
Parking space is limited, so they have these conveyor belt things that go around like a ferris wheel. Each person is assigned a number. You press the button (found on a remote in your car) and your space comes around to you. To retrieve your car, you press the button on the inside of your building.
There are people who are specially trained to do nothing but direct traffic. They stand at parking lot entrances, busy intersections and direct each car. Some of them are dressed in pink or white skirts/suits with hats and they stand in a randomly placed airconditioned booth. (Koreans don’t like to sweat).
We don’t use a key to enter into our apartment. We have a code. We simply punch it in and we enter.
Since you take off shoes at the door, there is a shoe closet at the entrance. All of my shoes, AND all of my roommates shoes fit in there with room to spare! It rotates too!
Moving into a high rise? Don’t worry. They can get your stuff into your apartment with Extender conveyor belts. Pretty much just lifts your stuff to your living room through the window!
ANYTHING can be delivered for $5. Most things come with free delivery.
I can pay any bill with my cell phone. Just punch in a code and it’s paid. My cell is directly connected to my bank account. I use it also to ride the metro. If it is lost, I’m still okay because you need a code to use it.
Krispy Kreme Donuts (very popular here) gives FREE donuts to everyone who waits in line! Fresh off the line! Most people (like me) wait in line, and then leave and never order anything. J I’ve become very Korean already.
Elevators- if you press the wrong floor, it’s fine. Just press the button again to clear it. No more stopping unnecessarily on floors by accident. But, be careful, the doors on the elevator close and they do not care if you are not all the way in!! I’ve been squished like 10 times now! I now know how to hold the button!


That’s it for now, kiddies! I will write again with a list of stuff to send me... J BTW, if ever you want to send letters, packages, other goods, etc. my address is on the bottom of this email... ‘Gyeonggi-Do...862.’ My home telephone is there.

I’m off to bed!!! Be ready to send stuff!!!

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4

Pictures can be found in album (Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4)- Numbers correspond to numbers in Album!

NOTE: This week, I have to begin by apologizing for my Whitney-Houston’s-a-crack-head comment last week. I have been informed that Bobby left and she is ‘no longer in the drug thing.’ My source even submitted photos to corroborate this story. So, Sam, Whitney Houston WAS a crack head and she is permanently brain damaged because of it (whitney)...Now, on to me and my life in Korea!

DORIANNICOLE. That’s what everything says. I have no last name here. I am like Madonna. Just Doriannicole. My bank account is opened under DORIANNICOLE. My driver’s license says DORIANNICOLE M. My Alien Registration Card says DORIANNICOLE. Haynes just isn’t an option. So, great. One less thing for me to worry about. I even sign receipts and the forms for work DORIANNICOLE too... I do everything with the one name. J

My birthday celebration has been quite grand. I began the celebration at work on Friday, lunch with the coworkers ( Friday 1 ) Then, on Friday night, after work (around 11:00pm, I changed my shirt and headed out (Friday 3). Of course, I did not return home until 8:30am Saturday morning(Friday 39, 40 ). I was exhausted, couldn't even keep my hair in a pony tail! (Friday 38). We celebrated merrily at a variety of dance clubs. I must say, I love the Koreans! They think I can dance! It still amazes me! I met some cool expatriates and met up with some that I'd met previously. We danced, acted silly (Friday 14), danced some more, and had a great time. I DID have to get a little ignorant with one of the Korean guys( I think he stalked me the whole night) who thought I was 'easy.' (Friday 10)His English was poor, so he said what he thought pretty damn bluntly. I said what I thought, equally as bluntly, smiled and moved on to have a wonderful time. (Friday 14: I hadn't noticed yet, Friday 18:What in the hell??, Friday 23: You'd better back up!, Friday 24: Now, back to dancing!)- Thanks Aaron for snapping pictures and catching this!

Saturday, I slept till 1pm, went to Itaewon, and found a wonderful birthday gift! BLACK PEOPLE!!! A WHOLE BAR FULL OF THEM, playing spades and shooting pool, no less! (Saturday 42, 43) Now, for some of my non-colored amigos, I must say...in a place like Korea, nothing is more comforting than finding that many black people....you know why? Because, like in America, the Asians know how to keep us happy! I found collard greens, cornbread (one of my favorite foods, thanks Daddy for the nickname), FRIED CHICKEN (yes, i'm sure it was chicken), macaroni and cheese (different cheese but same idea), and a whole lot of stuff I don't eat. It was here that I learned that 'ethnic foods' usually have same names but with uh after each word...i.e (icecream = ice-uh cr-uh-eam-uh)...No, I'm not just being ignorant, it's true! Tell'em Mike! I also met a girl there who is from NC, has same birthday, same blood type, and lots of other random things in common...my twin (Saturday 41)

I also found a nice new supermarket! It has many of the things I love from home. Not everything, but hey, it's a start. American food is EXPENSIVE... like $7 for some salad dressing! And I'm not talking my Kraft Light Done Right! dressing. But I digress! I met up with some local G.I's and negotiated some base exchanges. They understand my pain and are willing to help me out with a few things...gotta love being brown!! Can you say HOOK UP! Again, there are some things I can't get but I'm getting there!

Saturday night, I enjoyed a night of Salsa dancing.(Saturday 2- Salsa Club) I had a blast! I can Salsa a little but this one Korean girl, a coworker of mine (actually sort of a boss) took us out. And she can DANCE!! WHOA!! I mean, she was flipping and twirling, and the attitude...she stands no more than 4'11'' but could outdance any latina! I was/am impressed. (Saturday 11, 16)I have attached photos but still images don't catch the essence of the dance. She is the girl in the red skirt! I was great during the random Soul train line (Saturday 27) The Salsa group was finally ready to leave (Saturday 31) When we left there, we went to eat breakfast (yes it was like 7am). I got home at 8:30 and slept till about 2pm.

On Sunday, I went to the bookstore. I have Korean books but they are not well written. I am as confused after I read as I was before I started. I needed to find something to help me learn some words. So, I went back to my wonderful educational resources and decided I was going to use picture cards! Thanks, Dr. van Olphen! So, I went to the children's section of the bookstore and bought 'readers'. Readers are flashcards, pictures on one side, korean words on the otherside. I have been using them everyday. What's great is that in a city of 24 million people, I have an unlimited supply of teachers. If I am on the train, trying to write something out in Korean, or pronouncing the words, or otherwise practicing, they will not hesitate to come and correct any mistakes I may make. Many older women, rub my back (which is sort of annoying) and smile. They tap my arm, as if to encourage me... no personal space here. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Monday, I ran errands and went to work (Monday 1-Ready for work). Such has been my life for the last couple of days. Today, my day off, was spent, where? AT WORK! This is going to be a NICE paycheck! :) After work though, I got all dressed up to go to one of Korea's nicest restaurants, Outback Steakhouse.(Monday 3) Yes, I'm serious. I'm still living in a hotel because have been working at a branch different from mine. It is in the far north of Seoul and I will be in the far south. So, to save a miserable commute, they have me centrally located. I am getting tired of not having a kitchen, but it's free to me, room/maid service- they like to dress my bear (Monday, 6), and an unlimited supply of Ramen noodles! I don't eat the ramen unless I am in an emergency. I am stocking them up to have in the event of a natural disaster... For fun, I also empty the random condom tray (I've not seen smaller condoms- it must be true! ) I'm sure the maids think I am a freak but it's fun nevertheless.

That's it for me. Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I enjoyed all of the e-cards! Oh yeah! I drove today! Not far, like 8km but it was very scary... that's probably the last time for me!

Have a great day!(or, as my mom would say, fake it!)

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, Vol 3

I almost cannot believe the week is already half way over. I have been so busy this week; I haven’t had much time to take pictures. I’ll work on that for next time! Basically, this week has just been working. I had a couple of really long days and then normal ones. I teach from 4pm -10pm. The students come to me after school. So, they are in school from 9am till 10pm (poor things)! Korean children have no life until college, where ironically, they can relax a bit.

I have been teaching all grade levels this week, as I am covering someone else’s schedule until the fall term starts on the 28th. In the meantime, I will be staying in the hotel because the campus where I am helping out is closer to the hotel than where I will be living. I will be living in Bundang, a semi suburb of Seoul (like New Tampa to Tampa, or Arlington/Alexandria to DC, Cary to Raleigh, etc.) Seoul is the largest city I have ever seen! It looks like downtown from one side to the next. Every building is a high rise! But where I will be has the pretty plush parks, the beautiful scenery, the river, plenty of outdoor activities, and a beautiful lake!! In the winter, people ice skate on the lake!

I am loving the classroom. It’s not difficult, per se, but it is challenging to get all of the material covered in the time allotted. I ran behind 5 min the first day, which may not seem like much but when one class ends at 7pm and the next starts at 7pm, it is imperative that you finish and begin on time. I got it down by the second day. The students seem to like me a lot. They laugh and enjoy class which for them is a treat! They call me ‘teacher’ and I now refer to myself as such. ‘Teacher loves it when you do that!” It’s kind of odd. I mix it with first person, too, but it separates me from my job. You see, in Korea, teachers are held in high regards, so saying ‘I love it...’ would be just some brown woman saying she likes it. So what? But when ‘Teacher loves it...’ it is really something special!

This past weekend, I went to a district of Seoul (the name eludes me right now), where there are lots of universities. Many expats (expatriates) go there and have a blast with the university students. Here, the university students are a bit older than those in the States, ranging from 23-35. At 23, many are just starting their university careers. Anyway, we had a BLAST. I got home around 7:30-8:00 am!! We did some of everything. Koreans know how to have a good time! Wholesome fun! We went to a bar, mingled for a while (took advantage of the fact that men here (both Korean and non-Korean) LOVE my brown skin!!). Then we danced at a club across the street. I got my workout on! And it is true, they think I can dance!! HAHAHA! Anyone who knows me knows that I have rhythm issues! They are worse so I look WONDERFUL! Later, we went to a 24 hour spa to drop off the alcoholics (some of the people in our group) who couldn’t hang anymore. You pay 7,000 won (about $7) and they have a place to sleep, shower, sauna, hot tub, etc. We went back out and did some karaoke. Yes, I did get up on that stage and sing! I sang Whitney Houston “Queen of the Night,” (you know, from her pre-crack days J ) By that time, it was like 4:30am. We waited for the train to start running at 5:30am (mind you, we were lying outside on patches of grass...people were knocked out everywhere waiting on the train! AND no one bothered anyone! ) Took the train back to Chungdahm (where I am staying) and went to breakfast. It was a wonderful night!!! Can’t wait till this weekend! I met lots of people who are going to help me celebrate my birthday! Whooo hooo!!! PARTAY!

On a more mature note, I went to the immigration office (found it myself!), applied for my Alien Registration Card/Korean ID, and took the driving test to get a license. I did it because it was free. I passed the driving part but I failed the eye exam. Vision has to be damn near perfect and my contact prescription is old. So, I went down the street to the optometrist, got an eye exam (free with purchase of glasses/contacts), bought a $20 pair of glasses (only took 20 min to get!), and went back and passed the test!!! I have to wait one week for the license so they can put it with my ARC number. I don’t plan to drive here, though. They drive like maniacs... NYC drivers/ LA drivers have NOTHING on these drivers! I am sending pictures of me in my new glasses!

For those of you in Baltimore who know what I am talking about... Remember we called the lady at the ‘Chinese corner store’ A-Jee-Ma? Well she was Korean! And that means ‘Korean lady I don’t know well’ HAHA! I have been speaking Korean for years!! Let me find out! Anyway, I am still studying my Korean. I am glad to report that I have more than 48 million Korean teachers! Everyone here helps if they see you trying. When I have my Korean book and I am doing the exercises, they randomly come, look over my shoulder, and help me/make corrections/comment on my script. But they are always encouraging. I am really happy here.

I do, however, miss you all sooo much. I just wish you could all come here and experience this with me. This is definitely a place to visit. Forget plans to Paris. Come to Seoul! I love it. I can’t believe how great it is, more modern than the US by far. If ever you want to visit, come on!

Until next time,

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea vol. 2

I have been writing this post over the course of the last couple of days. When it gets long, then I send it to you all. Anyway, I am doing wonderfully! I love it here! I am finding food much easier and liking almost everything they put in front of me. I have learned like five ways to say no meat, and it’s working! (Sort of!) I had no idea that ramen noodles (like we eat at home) are really what people eat here. Every type of noodle, rice, or dumpling is here! I’ve had purple rice, yellow rice, brown rice, red rice, white rice, orange rice, jasmine rice, etc. Noodles follow same thing... I’ve eaten at least 4 different types of noodles. I have come to like pickled radishes (which I otherwise would NEVER have touched), quail eggs (tastes like regular eggs, just smaller), octopus (although very chewy), and lots of seaweed. I feel like the little mermaid with all this seaweed! Everything is either spicy or bland... so I am choosing spicy. There are no salt and pepper shakers on the tables and no ketchup in most places...you have to just eat food as it comes to you. Also, you can go in the market and get a full meal by trying all the samples!!! You know my cheap butt has made that a habit. (It’s...uhh...also a good way to..uhh..try Korean food?)

I have learned that there are some major offenses. One such offense is walking in someone’s house/living space with your shoes on. MAJOR NO NO! I noticed this when the hotel concierge brought my bags to my room, took his shoes off, and then went inside with a bag, came back out, put his shoes on, got the second bag, and took them off again to enter into the room. He tried to explain to me but I didn’t understand. I later left my shoes in the room by my bed when i left for work. When I returned, the housekeeping staff had taken my shoes out of the room and put them in the foyer of my room. I did it myself today and I got a smiley face note! I am learning! Another offense is not bowing when bowed to. I just copy other people so I’ve been okay. But people find it rude and disrespectful if you don’t return the bow and may not clean your room, provide breakfast, etc. J Another thing is doing anything that may ruin someone’s ‘kibun’- there is no English equivalent but it basically means their disposition. You should always try to be positive and help others maintain face. Koreans are really superficial and appearances mean everything. So, in a restaurant, the owner/cooks watch you. If you say you don’t like something out right, it injures their kibun. So instead you say: Wow, the juice is excellent! So is the kimchi. I had so much that I can’t eat the pudkim.’ They know you don’t like it, but they imagine that no one else knows. Funny to me.

If you are trying here, people will be so nice to you. They help you with directions (although if they don’t know they will make something up to save face). At one restaurant, the owner brought us a sample of everything on the menu (made without meat) so that we can learn what things are. We ate so much, we practically rolled home!

The only negative so far is the weather- it is hotter than the inner thighs of a fat chick in the sahara wearing leather pants! You walk outside and you are wet with sweat. I go jogging at 6:30am and it is already 88-90 degrees outside. The mid day highs have been hovering around 110-115. And my retarded butt has been walking everywhere. Water is free, tastes good, and is available everywhere. We have been taking advantage of that. It’s my goal in life to find a positive in every ‘negative’ so here it is: the more you deal with weather, the more calories you can burn! Ahhaaa!!

Korea: First Impressions

It is amazing to me that one can travel for a few hours and end up in almost a whole new world. I mean, in the US, there are places one can go and seem to escape American culture, linguistically and commercially. Take Little Havana (aka Miami), parts of LA, Chinatown in the major metro cities, Little Italy, and San Francisico's Little Seoul. But this trip is much more intense than any of those.

No one knows what I am saying, who I am, where I come from, or what to say to me. This is okay for now. I will be learning Korean over the next year. Yet, despite the Confucian-influenced culture, the homogeneous communities, and the language barriers, there is so much of America here. There is Wal-Mart, Costco, Kinko's, Asics Shoes, TGI Friday's, Burger King, McDonald's, Sbarro's Pizza, Outback, and more. (For the record, I won't be partaking in many meals at these fine establishments. I am sticking to the rice and vegetables... the food at McDonald's isn't exactly appealing to my eyes. Fried tofu instead of French fries?? C'mon!)

But around these American things is a strong sense of patriotism shared by the Koreans. They are proud of their country, and work very hard to maintain their communities and their traditions. So far, people have been very helpful and inquisitive. They have asked me a thousand questions (for which I had no answer since I didn't understand the question.) Many people insist that if they keep speaking Korean to you, then you will suddenly understand them. Case in point, on the plane, I listened to someone for three hours. I can tell you four things he said in the whole conversation. But, he kept on talking.

Today, in the Coex Mall, a large underground mall near to the campus, there were many people strolling along shopping. I tried to fit in, but clearly stood out like a sore thumb. People were grabbing my hand and pulling me into places to show me stuff (like maps of where they are from, pictures of people-that maybe i should know-, where to find books to learn Korean.) My hair, which is braided now, is also a major source of interest. They want to touch it, pull it, etc. I was surprised since the hair came from over here!! (HAHA). My hips and butt are also very much on the radar here. Random people (all have been women to this point) have come and touched my butt or my hips softly, saying something in Korean to whomever they were with. It may or may not be positive. It didn't seem to matter what I thought anyway.

Now, I think it is nap time. I have been up since early this morning and I want to get rested and settled before work tomorrow. I have to be there at 10am, which is apparently early here. After this week, I will be teaching in the evenings, from 4pm to 10pm, which is supposedly the normal schedule for secondary schools here. Go figure.

Anyway, I will be using the blog as a sort of journal while I am here. I will add pictures and miscellaneous videos as I can. Keep checking back.

Dating....It might have a point....

This is a random thought, but they often come to me that way. I figured I may as well jot this down before I lose it!

Ever wondered how you know when you are with 'the one?' Ever look at the dating game and just wanted to cry? Ever hated meeting new possibilities that lack just that: possibility? Oh boy, I know I have!

I often wondered why people went out and dated. Looking back, I often think: "How did that happen?" or "Why did I even GO there?" I decided that dating allows people to discover themselves and to reestablish standards. At least looking in my relationship history, all of the men I have seriously dated have been an improvement on the one that preceded him.

I learn what is important to me and what things I really don't care about. I rediscover boundaries on both a personal and a social level. And while I don't do the whole list thing, I feel like I learn more about what I am looking for in a partner. I think, or at least I hope, that the end result would be that I find someone who embodies all of the built up characteristics plus a little something of his own. I believe there will come a point when I don't think there is any more a girl could ask for...that's when you know.

What makes this union work is when he knows too. What makes it last is the phenomenon that neither person lose their faith in that knowledge that this is the one, while the other person has lost theirs. Essentially, as long as two people don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, there is hope for their relationship...It just might work...as long as you both know.

Whirlwind...Is that really the date?

It is amazing how quickly time seems to fly when you have a deadline. It is already nearing the end of June and I am on my way to Korea in just about a month. I am feeling a bit nervous about being able to finish everything before I go, but I am calm and comfortable about my decision to go.

There were several issues that arose during my decision making time that pushed me toward a decision not to go. But while I rested my mind and really gave thought to each concern, I was able to break down the pros and cons of each. They were overriden by the possibilities and benefits of going to Korea.

I don't speak Korean and I really don't have much experience with TESOL classroom instruction. But I know I'll get it done. I mean, I won't say this project will be easy. I know this will undoubtedly be a major challenge for me. But I am ready. So bring it on.

Crying behind a smile...

Exhaustion. Pure exhaustion.

Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.

Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.

In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.

I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.

I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.

I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.

Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.

Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.

In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.

Only Me

No one in the world understands who you are better than you. Only you know what you mean to say and how you meant to say it. Only you know what messages you are intending to send via your apparel, body language, or words. Only you know what secrets you keep hidden in the closet or underneath the rug. You, alone, know what makes you feel happy, saddened, or angry.

You can lie to the world, but you can never truly fool yourself. You have absolute control over how you respond to the world, and, in that regard, how the world responds to you. God gave us power over ourselves. We determine our steps under His guidance, but ultimately, we decide. It is the individual who makes the final decision.

Care must be taken to ensure that decisions are made for individual personal gratification and not solely to redeem ourselves in the eyes of others. Too often, we make decisions because we think that someone will be more pleased with us, even if we, ourselves, really don't want to. It is disappointing when we've allowed ourselves to be placed in situations where we are not really happy.

No matter how many friends I have, no matter what family bonds I possess, I know that in the end, it boils down to me. I depend on me, and only me. I live for me, and only me. I am who I am for me, and only me.

Renewed

The end of the semester was BRUTAL. But, I have learned a lot; more than I expected. Life's lessons are funny sometimes, because the important ones usually don't come from a textbook. I have spent so much time in textbooks, that I have seldom looked up to see the world of knowledge around me. Well, now I have a little time!

I spent the last weeks thinking about what I am worth, my value to myself and to the rest of the world. Here's what I decided:

* the world needs me to contibute as much as I need it.
* no man is worth heartache and drama; both of these are unnecessary and avoidable.
* true friends are there for you, even when you have nothing but friendship to offer them.
* the past is powerful, but not enough to control your life...unless you allow it.
* the future is rich and full of possibilities, but I must take time to live today.
* enjoy being 'in the moment' sometimes. Just breathe and that God for all your blessings.
* your body is the only true possession you have...take care of it.
* I won't allow ANYONE to come and steal my joy.
* I have to live to please God and myself. Everyone else has to get in line.
* When I learn to love myself and all of my flaws, someone else will be able to appreciate me too.
* Smiling really is good for the soul.

And with these decisions, I have made some major changes. Now, my life will reflect who I am and what I believe; I am no longer going along for the ride. I am not a woman in the shadows, I must be accepted for who I am. I am classy, dignified, and proud. I will not play the role. I am who I am, and if you don't like it....move on!

In God I Trust

Lord, thank you for my blessings:
You didn't have to wake me up this morning,
You didn't have to provide me with food to eat and a place to live,
Thank you for my sanity, my confidence, my wisdom, my courage, and strength;
Thank you foryour clarity, your honesty, guidance, love and friendship.
Lord, thank you for my valleys:
Thank you for the chaos, because now I appreciate the calm.
Thank you for the pain, because I now know the relief of Your deliverance.
Thank you for struggles, because through them I grow and become more courageous,
stronger, more confident and wiser.
Thank you for the hurdles, because as I jump over them, I am brought closer to you.

You provide rain, so that we may grow; storms that blow things around, so that a new path may be uncovered. I know that I am who I am and have experienced what I have experienced so that I may be capable to handle what You have in store for me. In You I am made stronger; in You, I am made whole; and in You I trust completely.

---Amen

On a Journey Called Life...

I realize that it has been well over a month since I last posted to this blog. A lot has happened between that day and this. God knows how to keep you close.

I am working very diligently to uncover some of my own inner elements, to define myself by my own perceptions of who I am, what I believe, and where I am going. It is much more difficult than I'd expected.

First, when Christa died, things changed drastically in my life. I had never felt such sadness and deep emptiness as I did when she died. Death is no new occurrence in my life, but this one was somehow different. This is not to say that I valued her life over those others who have gone before her, rather I saw my own life in hers. Maybe it was because she was just a baby herself; maybe it was that she had cancer; maybe it was the fight in her eyes, the fire in her spirit, the maturity of her soul; maybe it was her innocence and ability to trust; maybe it was her untouchable faith. Something within her connected with me and when she died, so did a part of me. Her death hit me hard; knocked the wind right out of me. It left me gasping for answers in the air, for purpose, for guidance. And, in spite of my family and friends' presence, I felt utterly alone.

One thing about Christa is that she had this amazing ability to love unconditionally and have faith in everyone. She truly believed that bad people are just good people who make bad choices. She put her trust in everyone. In a way, I envied that ability. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how difficult it is for me to trust, to love, to allow anyone to learn who I am. I am working to develop my ability to not only trust others but also to trust myself.

Further, I have learned and relearned that there is a reason for everything, a time and place for everything under the sun. I have had to majorly step out on faith and just accept the cards I am being dealt. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that the mystery is ours though. He knows exactly what He's doing and where we are going. He just uncovers only enough for us to keep moving. Can you imagine the chaos of the world if we all knew what our futures held?

So, as I decide what my next steps will be, I turn to the One who knows what they should be. I ask for guidance and clarity. And I know He'll provide it.

PLEASE NOTE:

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance maintained by Goals, insurance called Faith, a driver with a map called God, you will make it to a place called Success.

An Angel Gets Her Wings

This morning, just in time to catch a ride to heaven with the sun, Christa took her last breath. In the weeks and months leading to this day, Christa was increasingly excited about getting to go to heaven, where she could have all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she wanted. Most importantly, Barbie and Dan (because Ken wasn't as cute) would have the best dream house ever!

For her parents, the devastation is unimaginable. For them, there is an unconsolable feeling of loss and despair. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God bless them with peace and help them to create a new balance in their lives. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and a part of Christa's.

For me, the feeling in indescribable. While Christa wasn't my relative (per se), she was an integral part of my life for the past 6 months. She was my angel. This angel was like a sister to me. I am not sure how my life would be now without her presence. She, in her 7 year old wisdom, has helped me to see the beauty in life; the wonderful things and people in my own life. It was at her insistence that I have given chemotherapy another try. Her courage and strength were contagious and has been one of the leading forces in my own personal recovery, both from cancer and from other obstacles life has thrown in my direction.

While she will be truly missed, her spirit will live on forever. The lessons I have learned from her will guide me forever. And, one day, I will join her in heaven to pick up where we left off...and to taste one of her "especially homemade" peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

See you then, Christa. ;-)

Lesson 1: The ABCs of You

The ABC’s of You

As with any relationship, things must start from the beginning. For me, as a teacher, that’s usually the ABCs. One thing about the ABCs is that once you learn them, you usually never forget them. The same holds true for you.

Each letter of the alphabet forms words, which form sentences, which form meaning. You have earned your letters and allowed me to begin to form meaning. Thank you.

Absolutely
Breathtaking,
Confidently Charming,
Down to
Earth,
Fine as hell,
Getatable but guarded, Gentle,
Honest, Hard working,
Introspective, Impressive, Intelligent
Jaunty,
Kindhearted, Knowledgeable
Liberating, Loving,
Magnanimous, Meaningful,
Normal (while still rare! SMILE),
Observant,
Positive, Productive,
Quality,
Respectful, Respectable, Right,
Sexy, Sophisticated, Sensual,
Tough, Talented,
Understanding, Undeniable, Unprecedented,
Vivacious,
WOW! Witty and with
X-ray vision into my mind,
Yoga couldn’t relax me more,
Zealous, zestful.

Love Letter (Part II)

As I lay next to you, holding you; you holding me, I feel like a butterfly just freed from its cocoon. I listen to your heart as it beats, telling me how much you love me. I lay with you, in the heat of the night and I pray that you will never leave. And then, as if you had read my thoughts, you gently caress me and promise me you’ll always be here. Oh my God! I am really falling…

Now, with the aroma of love working like lavender, and as the world begins to fade into a wonderland behind my eyes, I hear you breathing. I listen as our breaths become one, synchronized in perfect harmony. I dream, you dream…I am falling…

At dawn, you are there, still holding me. You gently caress my arms to wake me. “Hey, gorgeous,” I hear you say. You slowly lift me and take me to the window. As we sit there, in each other’s arms, we watch the sun wake up the world. You say to me, in a soft, gentle voice: “Dawn is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to the world...And you, you are God’s most beautiful gift to me.” I smile, turn to you and tell you what my heart has been trying to say, “I love you.” You pull me closer to you, hold me tightly, and say, “I love you, too.” And with that, I know, I have fallen deeply in love with you.


May this love letter never end.


Love Always,


Doriannicole

On a whole notha level

By chance doesn't exist. Whenever we step out of our daily routine, it isn't by chance. We may not have planned it, but it happened for a reason. I am convinced that this purpose exists even when we cannot readily identify it.

For instance, I met a man in the parking lot of Moffitt about two months ago. I was there late, visiting Christa and I'd parked in a new place. In the car next to mine sat a man, whose spirit seemed so low and trampled. I got into my car, looked his direction and gave him the most genuine smile I knew how to give and I let my eyes linger for just a moment as if to say: "Smile, everything is going to be alright." I put my car in reverse, and backed out of my space. I never looked back over at him. That night, I added him to my prayers and asked that his spirit be uplifted (because 'nobody should look that pitiful,' I added to God).

Last Saturday, on my way into Moffitt for my own treatments, my spirit felt like a withering flower. My mind was full of emptiness and my heart just wasn't into it. At the elevator, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the man from the parking lot. I didn't immediately recognize him and I politely asked for a refresher. He told me,"You told me to keep my head up when no one else even saw it down. Thank you. You couldn't know how much that meant to me." I then remembered him from the parking lot and decided that smiles are contagious, joy is contagious, and the power of prayer is awesome. But I also learned the value in going out of your way to try to life someone's spirit.

One never knows who is looking to him for help, understanding, and peace of mind. You must acknowledge the power of prayer, the power of life, and the power of a smile.

Healing

Don't be discouraged

Joy comes in the morning

Know that God is nigh

Stand still and look up

God is going to show up

He is standing by.

There's healing for your sorrow

Healing for your pain

Healing for your spirit

There's shelter from the rain

Lord send the healing

For this we know

There is a balm in Gilead

For there's a balm in Gilead

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the soul

Healing for the soul

---Richard Smallwood, Live in Detroit

Hair cut!

Apparently, I am remiss in posting more recent pictures, as I have cut my hair since I started this blog. From the comments that have been posted, I should have more up-to-date pictures. Well, just to show that I listen to you, here is a picture:

But PLEASE don't get it twisted!! This is MY blog! If I want to be outdated, then that's my PERROGATIVE!!! Love ya'll anyway!

For you Brandon and Brian! Love, Aunt Dori Nic

This is just a shot out to my babies!!! My nephews are getting so big!! They keep me grounded and let me know that our future looks as bright as it ever did.

I think it must be explicitly stated....

Over the last couple of months, I have recieved lots of commentary about the nature of my posts. I just write what I feel like writing. Some days, I am more into politics; other times, I am into my more private thoughts.

I am not bound by any rules or regulations as they pertain to my writing. I just write. While one's writing is definitely to some extent a reflection of its author , it is not necessarily a mirror reflection by which the audience should make assumptions or pass judgement.

With that being said, I am compelled to add the following:
* Don't hate because I have inspiration for my poems!
* If for some reason, you do not like what you read, DON'T READ IT!
* I am not concerned with your images of who I am and what I stand for; I am not in a position in which I have to answer to you and, quite frankly, you are NOT in a position to question or demand an explanation from me.

The Touch

It starts with a touch. A calming, soothing, relaxing touch. A touch that defines the boundaries of our relationship. This touch slowly expands the borders of our friendship and lurks premeditatedly in pleasure spots uncharted on his map. In fact, he is like Columbus, in that he is “discovering” places not necessarily untouched or unknown, just foreign to him. With the gentlest of gestures and the most chilling warmth, like ice cubes in hot steamy coffee, my inhibitions are placed aside and my body taken over by the touch.

I cannot speak, my mind stops functioning, and my body controls itself. Like a plant drawn to sunlight, my body is drawn to your touch. Suddenly, I am addicted to the warmth of your hands and the high I get from the rush of passion to the surface of my skin. Suddenly, it’s a drug I can’t get enough of ...what am I doing? This was not in the plan! I think in a futile effort to rescue myself from the impending danger. But the thoughts never make it to the surface for air… they drown in a sea of ecstasy.

I, too, am cast under your spell as you feed rhythm to my hips. The waves in my sea surge to heights unimaginable as my breathing becomes like Category 5 winds, heavy and uncontrollable. As you sail southbound, the danger increases, the storm is unpredictable and unrelenting. Now, the sea is dangerous, the winds are at full force, and the earth, the whole damn universe is trembling.
Unexpectedly, I am able to call out for help. I scream into the wind and brace myself for the force of this storm. Gravity has ceased to exist and I am now floating…

Everything Has Its Time

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost five years ago, I was devastated. I could not understand why God felt the need to punish me. I felt betrayed by my body and its Creator. I couldn't understand why. I just kept asking God to give me some explanation. And in His time, He has.

He has enabled me to see that there is a much bigger world out there than the one in which I live. I have seen that my life is but a fiber woven into God's intricately detailed master plan. Without me, the world would not be the same. And without the world, the steps I take within it, and the steps others take, I would not be the same. You see, just like the Bible says, there is a purpose for everything. We may not always see it, but it is there and valid.

In the last five years, I have begun to learn how to live. I have traveled and met many wonderful people. And now, contrary to the predictions of doctors almost five years ago, I am still alive. It took this experience to teach me to put my trust in God and not in man and to recognize Him as the ultimate healer.

Had it not been for this fight with cancer, I would never have been here going to school at USF, and I would never have encountered my most recent inspiration:

There is a seven year old girl named Christa who has been my inspiration during the last few months of my cancer treatments. At seven years old, she hasn't been corrupted by the views of the world and has been able to maintain her relationship with God. This is her third year with cancer and she is dying.

When I met her in early September of 2005, she was like a normal child: loud, funny, vivacious, and full of energy and zeal. But she knew then that she was going to die soon. We had several conversations about death, heaven, and living life while you have it. I felt from the first day we met that she was one of the angels God has placed in my life to help keep me in check.

I have not missed one week without seeing her. I go to visit her on my lunch breaks from work and after class during the weeks. I see her often on the weekends. In November, I cut my hair and donated it to her. She wanted to have hair and God afforded me the opportunity to provide it. It was not even a sacrifice for me. She brings a certain light to my life; one that highlights the positive and cast shadows on the negative so I can hardly see them. She helps me to find purpose in every day. She makes me want to be a better person.

Since August, Christa has been living at Moffitt, the cancer center here in Tampa. She is confined to the premises almost all of the time. Her parents live in the adjacent family living facilities located on the premises. She told me that the only reason she'd want to live longer would be to have the opportunity to travel and see the world's beautiful places. She loves to see post cards and pictures on the internet. In fact, together, we have totally decorated her room with pictures from all over the world. And we visit there, in our day dreams, sometimes.

Just last week, we went to the beach. That is one of Christa's favorite places. It is my favorite place too. It is where heaven touches the earth and where you can hear God's voice in the wind. We did what we needed to do to make our trip to the beach fantastic. So, we put on our bathing suits and put on our shades. We turned the lamp toward us and used a portable heater, to simulate the sun and its warmth. Next, we turned on an oscillating fan, to give us a little breeze. Then we created beach sand by filling our sandboxes with store bought sand, placing warm heat packs on the bottom, and digging our feet in. Then, we play our favorite CD with sounds of the beach, and we lay back and relax. With our eyes closed, we imagine we are really there. We talk to each other about what we see in our minds and we escape reality, just for a few minutes. Her body may be dying but her spirit remains alive and well. More importantly, in the moments of silence, we can talk to God.

Many of us don't have time to really converse with God. We make time for other things, but not for those things most important to our well-being. So with this, I thank God for making time for me to talk to Him and for humbling my spirit.

For Christ I live, and For Christ I die.

The Bigger Picture

Lately, I have been thinking about the people I have encountered over the last year and how my life has changed as a result. I concluded that everyone could be categorized into three different sections: those I knew but just met, those I met but just got to know, and those who have been consistent fixtures in my life.
Among those in the first category would be those people with whom I made instant connections; those with whom my relationship felt so comfortable and easy from the very beginning. I would consider as recent additions to this list; Justilien, David, Curtis, Shamar, Celeste, Sasha, Natasha, Yolanda, and Kevin. Although I met all of them in the past year or so, it feels as if I've know them forever. It is as if we are reading from the same page (on so many different levels.) We just click.
The next category consists of people who, for whatever reason, I had previously met but didn't really get to know well until recently. Their true identities (and mine too) emerged very clearly. Some of these were wonderful, some were disappointing. Among those in this list, one would find: Kumar, David, Stephanie, Erika, Chris, and Jason. Whether positive or not, all of them has had a very positive effect on my life and each is an integral part of what makes me who I am.
The last category, is the most dear to me. My rocks. They are not new additions to my life, but those who were there to help build the foundation. These are the people who have been there for me when it seems no one else cared. They are those who walk with me (on the phone) late at night when I am by myself, those who force me to care about the important things in life, those who enlighten me, who build my spirit with the strength of theirs, those who pray for me, those who let me cry, those who hold my hand, those who sacrifice so that I am not alone.
Those people are my mother, Nikki, Ms. Cookie, Mr. Willie, Breezy, and Caleshia. To all of whom I own much of my success in life. My mother has given all that she has and is always ready to give more. Nikki listens to all of my drama and keeps me sane. Ms. Cookie and Mr. Willie have continued to encourage me and believe in me when I doubted myself. Breezy gives me a standard to keep. She makes me want to be better so that she can follow in good footsteps. And Caleshia has become one of my best friends. When I thought I'd lose my hair to chemotherapy, she was willing to shave hers bald with me so that I wouldn't be alone. When I am drowning in frustration, she performs CPR.

It is truly amazing that our footsteps were mapped out so delicately that we cross each other's paths. This idea serves to give my life purpose and make my relationships meaningful and worth the time. It allows for every person I encounter to give value to my life. It makes me a better person. Thank you.




* The above mentioned lists are in no way and by no means exhaustive.

Un Poemita

La Depresión del Muerte

No puedo hablar, no puedo decir nada
Pues, podría pero no movería el agua.

Nunca he sentido así anteriormente
Como una niña callada de repente.

Entonces, espero que la sientas la emoción
Que dentro la cabeza crea tanta conmoción.

Rezo que puedas oír mis pensamientos
Que, a través de las nubes, intento meter en los cielos

Lágrimas del dolor mi corazón está llorando
La presión de la vida sigue aumentando.

No puedo luchar, no puedo hacer nada
Pues, podría pero no movería el agua.