In House Renovations

Amazing. That's how I would describe the way I feel right now. It has been a long long time since I have been so at peace with my life. In fact, let me amend that statement: I have never been so at peace with my life. I have realized that peace exists on so many different levels, but to achieve real peace, you HAVE to start on the innermost level.

I found that I had to find peace within myself. I had to dig around and talk to that person that no one but me has ever met. That person that I conceal from even myself, at times. That person to whom I push all of my pain and frustration, that person who carries the heavy burdens and the hardships, the person who gives and sacrifices everything she has for the well being of everyone else and who never ever asks for anything in return. This is where I started.

When I got there, she was a wreck! Imagine walking into a room where nothing is in it's rightful place, where things have been broken or damaged from being stepped on and/or thrown around. There are so many bags in this room, it's difficult to even get through the door. It's hard to breathe, there is no air...walk too far in and you too will suffocate. No air and lots of tears makes the room warm and humid. Unbearable. This was my room. This is where I lived...better yet, this is where I almost died.

The humiliation of the room's condition prevented the invitation of guests. So no one ever knew what was behind that closed, locked, dreadful door. On the other side of the same wall, everything was pristine, immaculate, beautiful. This is what I showed the rest of the world. I could have sold the house on this part alone.

But eventually the mess of the room began to overflow into the rest of the house. The smell of my dying body permeated the air; the frame of the house began to swell because of the humidity. It even began to show on the outside. I let the grass on the lawn become overgrown. I stopped painting the shutters. And after the season of storms, it was really looking tattered.

My house was not in good condition. It affected everything. An infestation of mold, growing like cancer, was taking over my house. Pretty soon, everything in my life became part of my jungle. It was too difficult to deal with. I had no idea where to go and who to call. I was lost in my own house. Lost in my own person. I had no way out.

I'd spent so much time looking strong that eventually, I was too weak to support my own weight. To everyone who never rode down my block, I was a success. I have always been an excellent student, liked by most people, and full of energy. But everything was beginning to fade.
Finally, it happened. I ran out of tears. I decided, with some motivation from a cute little seven-year old girl, that I was going to get my life together. I went to school, focused on my classes but also on myself. I began to reflect on the many things that had caused me to fear life. I thought about reasons and explanations for the many failed relationships, the feigned happiness. I decided right then that I wanted real happiness. And I set out on this mission. I called it the PEACE CORE (I went into high intensity danger zones in search of peace.)

I started to deal with things I hadn't dealt with before. I began to search for alternative ways to view the events that had plagued my life. And most importantly, I began some serious spring spiritual cleaning. I just threw out things that didn't matter. And to be honest, I'd been harboring many inconsequential things. Getting rid of those things made it possible for me to get more indepth with the things that do matter the most.

It has been 15 months since this transformation began. I can honestly say, that while that room isn't quite as clean as I want it to be, it's well on its way. And, my grass is cut, the shutters are repaired...although there are somethings that can be done still....but, I am working on each thing one day at a time.

Thanks to this experience in Korea and to the unexpected miracles I have met, the last three months have been fantastic! I honestly believe that God puts people in your path, makes you trip over them even, so that they can help you up. I grabbed a helping hand and it has been amazing. I have smiled everyday, learned to love me inspite of my imperfections, and am realizing that I do have something to offer the world.

I have been able to voice my aspirations in ways I never thought possible. I am now working toward a goal, I have a mission...and, although it sounds a bit cliche, I have a dream. And with God's help, my own determination, and the support of people in my life, I will realize it! I promise.