Finding Balance and Putting Yourself First

We all struggle to find the time to do certain tasks and balancing is something that seems to be elusive. Let me share something with you that may be helpful. There were two sentences that have dramatically changed my life. The first was in a book, titled Life After Trauma, by Rosenbloom and Williams (1999). As a relatively recent survivor of a life-threatening attack, I sought out a book that would help me to put my life back in order. I determined that I sought to be better than I was before the incident. The first life-changing sentence identified the first step in that very long journey:

"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others" (p.91).

In other words, put yourself first. Make yourself and your goals a priority. Do those things that you often find yourself advising others to do. Take your own advice. Take the time out each day to think about those goals that are most important. I made a list of goals, things that I wanted to do for myself. One of which was to develop a plan to get to know myself. I want to be my own best friend: laughing at myself, loving myself, knowing intimately how my mind, body, and soul work together. Another goal was to learn to make time to put myself first, to spend time making me a better person - a better wife, daughter, educator, employee, leader, scholar, etc. Remember not to confuse goals with tasks. The latter consists of only those things that you feel have to be accomplished, while goals would capture the accomplishments and successes that make you feel good at the end of the day.
The second sentence that changed my life falls right in after that and can be attributed to Stephen R. Covey (2003):

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities" (p.77)

I'd always thought I was doing this, until I came across that sentence. So, I reorganized my planning. I wrote a list of true priorities by asking and answering the some of the questions that are often overlooked in this era of hustle and bustle. I asked myself: What is truly important to me? How would I like to live my life, and What would make my heart happy? When I answered these questions, I realized that my relationships with myself, my family, and my friends; my spiritual journey; my continual self-improvement via unmitigated self-awareness; the financial welfare of my family; and my professional growth and development.

With these questions answered, I printed a blank calendar for the week. And, for the first week, I wrote down everything I did. Everything. Then, on Saturday morning, before my husband or family could distract me, I sat down and crossed off everything on the list that didn't fit in the above description. Amazingly, so much of my time was being spent on other people's priorities!!!! I was shocked at how much attention I'd given everyone else, in unbelievable contrast to the lack thereof for myself. The next step was to change it. So, I created a schedule that began with my priorities filled in. Any blank time could be consumed by those 'non-importants;' but I scheduled everything as if it were an appointment. I scheduled time with my husband, lunch (I had not taken a lunch at work in over a year), gym time, personal meditation, church/fellowship time, and of course, my job and my school work. What I found was that, when I do more for me, I am able to do more for others. If we are to praise the concept of servant leadership, then we should find ways to apply it and recognize that you cannot do for others what you cannot do for yourself. What I once thought as selfish has turned into the only means by which selflessness can continue to exist.

I cannot tell you how much this activity has done to enhance my work/life/school/family/volunteer service/spiritual journey balance. I strongly encourage any and everyone to take that time to provide yourself with the care that you need.






Resources:

Covey, Stephen R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons In Personal Change. Free Press: New York.
Covey, Stephen R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Personal Workbook. Free Press: New York
Rosenbloom, D. and Williams, M. (1999). Life After Trauma: A Workbook For Healing.The Gulford Press: New York

Organizational and Personal Change

There are many people who are going about their lives always speaking of the changes they want to make, but not having the discipline or understanding of how to make those changes. I am no exception. As I read new texts, I build the capacity for change. This will allow me to engage those newly acquired concepts in a meaningful and effective manner.

Michael Fullan (2008) talks about the six secrets of change. His book focuses on change in organizations, but just think about how that could also be applied to us individually. He identifies the secrets as stated below:

 

1. Love your Employees 
2. Connect Peers with Purpose 
3. Capacity Building Prevails 
4. Learning is the Work
5. Transparency Rules 
6. Systems Learn

 

The first secret speaks of loving your employees enough to make work something they can enjoy. Allow them the freedom to grow and watch the effectiveness and commitment increase.

 

The second secret is about connecting and building effective relationships. Networking, sharing ideas, and getting to know the people you work with/for can make work more satisfying. The happier the employee, the better the level of work.

 

The third secret "concerns competencies, resources, and motivation. Individuals and groups are high in capacity if they possess and continue to develop knowledge and skills, if they attract and use resources (time, ideas, expertise, money) wisely, and if they are committed to putting in the energy to get important things done collectively and continuously (ever learning)" (p. 57).

 

The fourth secret tells us that we should be always striving for balance between consistency and improvement. We have to be consistent in our methods, consistent in our interactions, our expectations and our mission. However, we also need to be open to vias of improvement, better efficiency, increased effectiveness, and precision and accuracy.

 

The fifth secret is to be open about your agenda. Let it be know what you intend to do and how you intend to do it. Allow others in to provide accountability and reinforcement. This doesn't mean that everyone must know every detail. Instead it means giving people more than just the end. Show progress, show employees how their efforts are making a difference NOW and not just at the end.

 

 

Finally, the last secret involves 'lac(ing) the culture with a theory that will travel over time, in which leadership manifests itself at all levels of the organization" (p.109). This also requires humility, recognizing though, that while you can increase the odds of success, you cannot guarantee it. Lofty goals serve no useful purpose; being realistic about the goals we set and taking the path that is most likely to get us there will ultimately result in more success.

 

Change within an organization requires change on an individual level. The change may come in the form of new systems, new technology, more globalized economies, etc., but what must stay consistent, is the commitment to personal and organizational excellence. This can only be achieved by having a personal identity, knowing who you are and what you represent, setting realistic and attainable goals, and reshaping your culture to allow effective change to occur.

 

 

 

Reference:

 

Fullan, Michael (2008). The Six Secrets of Change: What the Best Leaders Do to Help Their Organizations Survive and Thrive. Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.

 

Simple Pleasures

Somewhere, some time, maybe back in middle school, I lost sight of the small things that bring joy to my life. And, because of the serendipitous reunion with strawberry kiwi caprisuns, a little taste of my childhood idealism has returned. Funny, some things just have the ability to bring you back to a place of peace...whether caprisuns, eggos (with each square filled with the sweetest Log Cabin syrup), or playing in the rain--even getting my hair wet!

What else gives me pleasure? Hmmm. I think I am going to be on a mission now, to seek out the small things, the forgotten, simple pleasures that bring me brief moments of happiness... where do I start?

Spiritual Retreat: Day Three

Responsibility: Response + ability...we have the ability to choose our responses.
                               --Stephen Covey

Today served a unique purpose for me. I did a lot of reflecting and application exercises. I didn't really get more in depth with my reading, rather, I took some time to really ponder how the information I've gathered over the last few days can really help me. This journey is going to take far more than a three day sabbatical from human contact, but it has been very eye opening so far.

There are some things in life that will never change. I am okay with that. There are some things that will. I am okay with that. And then there are those things that I have the ability to change, but often lack the courage or wisdom to do so. I am often overwhelmed by such responsibilty that the action never takes place. Today stops all of that.

Tomorrow, I will reenter the world. But I am making myself some very serious promises. I am putting them out there because doing so provides a sense of accountability for my actions or lack thereof.  So, starting now, I promise...

1. To find ways to love me first. Each day, I will find something about me or my life that I absolutely adore.
2. Not to be selfish, but to put myself as a priority. I need to recognize that I can't be much help to anyone  
    else if I am falling apart.
3. To continue on this journey, no matter what. I am committing to no less than 30 min a day for reflection
    and meditation on things learned this week.
4. To seek professional guidance. To engage my therapist and my pastor in this process. Listening first.
5. To finish reading the books and working through the workbooks.
6. To do something productive with my experiences (help someone else, write, etc.)
7. To allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling when I am feeling it.
8. To become better at communicating and allowing others into my world.
9. To finish what I start. Period.
10. To live, laugh and love...myself, my family, my friends, my life.

I am still sorting through the baggage, but I am beginning to understand some of it. Which, in turn, will allow me to put it where it belongs.

Life is to short to be stuck in one place.

Spiritual Retreat: Day Two

A new golden rule could read: Do for yourself as you would do for others.
                         --Dena Rosenbloom, PhD

Today was particularly insightful because I didn't spend time assessing the experiences of my life, rather, I explored how I'd reacted to them. I stepped out of my own situation and looked back as if I were a friend of mine who wanted to give me advice. I realized that I am pretty good at encouraging others, loving others, and taking care of others, but I am horrible at taking care of me.  What good will I be to the rest of the world if I am too tired, worn out, frustrated, angry to take care of myself? So today was about me.

I explored physical reactions, behavioral reactions, mental reactions and emotional reactions. I noted my inability to really relax in most environments. (Even at home, I sleep with my teeth clenched together). My shoulders are seldom relaxed, my body rarely stops moving. The headaches, the upset stomachs, the rashes that develop randomly on my legs or arms, chronic fatigue, and the lightheaded moments are all physical responses to my anxiety and stress.

Every experience changes you. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Many of my experiences, both good and bad, have changed the way I think about myself, how I perceive the world around me, and how people are in general. These negative experiences are no different. My hyper vigilance, difficulty concentrating and nightmares are all mental reactions to my past.

Behavioral reactions for me have included being withdrawn and isolated, avoidance of places or situations, and a change in my ability to connect intimately with others. Intimacy is not just a word used for couples, but with anyone you connect with and share my personal life with. My relationships have been affected dramatically, and the emotional consequences have been devastating.

Constantly being fearful, being sad, depressed, angry, numb, etc. takes a lot out of a person. And trying to protect others from your emotions makes me distance myself from them in other ways, lessening my ability to trust someone else.

These reactions are draining, miserable feelings. And, so I found ways to minimize how often I felt them. These are my coping strategies. Funny though, I'd never considered some of the things I do to be a mechanism for coping, rather, just personality traits.

I made a list of 'coping strategies,' both good and bad, that I use to get through things. As I'd identified before, my first strategy is to put it away for later. I just forget about it, focusing on something 'more important.' I have 6 degrees, not because I'm brilliant, but because I was in a lot of pain and school was a lot more pleasant. I control everything I can control (my work, my home, how things are organized, my weight, etc.) I clean all the time, reorganizing almost daily. I get lost in projects at home, building something, fixing something, making something, etc. And, when all of that is done, I use my 'accomplishments' as proof that my situation wasn't so bad after all. Then, I do everything I can to forget about it completely.

I have a definite pattern. I've employed this system of 'chaos resolution' for as long as I can remember. So today, after reading a few chapters in a book about relaxation after trauma, I tried some new techniques. I hadn't even realized my teeth were clenched, or that my shoulders were contracted. I didn't notice that I was bending my fingers back, etc. until I stopped. Until I actually lay in bed and assessed my body, part by part.

I did a relaxation exercise that lasted about an hour, allowing me to go through each part of my body and to relax each area deliberately.Then, I listened to music. I wrote poetry. I created new dreams. I made a dream catalogue...ever wondered what you could do with all of those story beginnings?

I began writing letters to the most important people in my life, both good and bad. I wrote to the members of my family that support me all the time, to the members that I need to learn to forgive, to the friends that have stuck by me, and to those who have hurt me. I wrote to each of the perpetrators separately, naming them, giving each one a face, a name...which surprisingly made them look human, not like monsters. A lot less scary, and a lot easier to overcome.

Finally, I took off every article of clothing and took pictures of every part of my body. I printed them out and put them together as best as I could on the floor. I went and documented every mark, every scar, everything I hated, AND everything I loved. I found that there is more about me that I like than things that I don't. I just harp on the things that I don't so often that I forget about the things that aren't so bad. That was a big lesson to learn for me, one that can and should be applied to other areas of my life.

Tomorrow, I will look at my reactions more in depth. I will try to find healthier alternatives. I will finish my letters. Some will be mailed, others won't. I am doing this for me.

Spiritual Retreat: Day One

What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
     --- Shakespeare, Othello

Today's journey began with a moment of appreciation upon waking up. Instead of getting up and getting dressed right away, I laid in bed and thought of as many positives about my life as I could. I thanked God for them. I prayed that God would order my steps in this process and I promised to try to submit to His will and abandon my own.

I went to church today with a different attitude. I have only begun to go to church about a month ago after a hiatus of about a year and a half. I felt that I had lost faith. My world had been rocked and God had let it happen. I have been angry at Him since. So, I essentially abandoned Him when I needed him the most.

In my family, we have an 'inside joke' where we declare that Jesus is coming in a Hyundai. I have a Hyundai and I have extended that to include that He is going to talk to me through that GPS system. So, I've put it to the test. I choose the church service I am going to attend by selecting 'nearby churches' and seeing what pops up. Then I just randomly select a service to attend. So far, so good.

Today, however, was something unexpected. I went to a church service that was only 40 minutes long (and there were a lot of brown people--I didn't know brown people had church services under 2 hours!) Anyway, I digress. But the 40 minutes were important. The pastor's sermon was about Faith. He talked about how God tests our faith. Not because he doesn't know who we are, but because he wants us to know more about who we are...by passing these tests, we are made stronger in him. The pastor spoke of the story of Abraham and Issac. In summary, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son that had been born after great turmoil and strife, the only heir to Abraham. Abraham had been following God for 25 years. His faith was mature and strong, still, surely he had some reservations about what God was asking him to do. Yet, he acted immediately. He did as God told him to do, faithful that God would stop him from doing that, but that if he didn't, then it was for a reason. So, he took great care and took Issac to the place where he'd been told to go. He'd left his servants at the bottom of the mountain telling them to wait there for Isaac and him to return. (Declaration of Faith because he claimed God's mercy before going up there.) On the way up there and as he built the altar, Isaac asked where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice. Abraham replied that 'God will provide the animal for sacrifice.' Now, the passage doesn't talk about Isaac and how he must have been flipping the heck out (because I certainly would have been), but it does speak to the calmness of Abraham. Although he didn't agree, he trusted God enough to continue. Just as he was going to slay Isaac, an angel called to him to stop. He was told to take Isaac down. Just then, a ram, caught in some shrubs or something appeared. This was the offering that Abraham knew would come. In that, his faith had been tested, tried, and made stronger. He was being prepared for obstacles to come.

I thought about my own faith. And, I thought I'd matured it very well. I had been tested. I had overcome many obstacles. But, I hadn't finished the process. I hadn't dealt with the emotions, I hadn't given them to God, I just hid them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, when I was raped, again, I thought God had forsaken me. I was angry that he would allow something so horrific to happen to me when all I was trying to do is to live right by Him. I carried that anger and bitterness and it just intensified over the last year and a half. No matter how I look at it, God is in me. So if I hate God, I end up hating me. When I start doubting God, I start to doubt me. And if God doesn't love me enough to protect me, then how can anyone else? How can I justify loving me?  I have spent the last year and a half feeling inadequate, unloved, empty, worthless. I am filled with shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and I have pushed away the people closest to me. I've isolated myself in an effort to 'protect them' from my drama. And so, while everyday is filled with people, I am completely alone.

I came home from church, broke my social fast to encourage my little sister, and returned to my solitude. I wish I had as much confidence as I portray to others. I wish I thought as highly of myself as my sister thinks of me. It was hard for me to admit how much I hated myself. I wasn't sure what it was that I hated either. I can't make a list of crap I hate, I just don't like it.I'd gone to Barnes and Noble's late last night to find some guidance in this process. I picked up 5 books.

I began to read a book called "Life After Trauma." I was emotional after the first few pages when I saw myself in every paragraph. So, per the advice of the book, I put it down and took a break from it.  I went to the lake and read a book called "Learning to Love Yourself." This book was very enlightening. I began to understand why I feel how I do about myself. I spent time journaling about the events in my life that made me feel how I do. I realized that I generalized a lot of things into the confines of one or two incidents. I recognized that I am a workaholic perfectionist, who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and has not figured out how to forgive others. I learned that I am angry, not just sad or ashamed as I'd thought. I am really angry. But instead of addressing it, I allow it to simmer. I focus on achieving at work, at school, etc. But, like any addiction or short term remedy, your tolerance grows and you need more and more to feel the same way. So, now, it is not unlike me to work from 0730-2300hrs. It is not like me to leave things undone. But what's worse, is that I no longer gain satisfaction from completing a task or project, I just find other things that I need to get done. And the cycle continues.

The book has given me some strategies; one of which was to remove negative relationships out of my life. So, a lot of names got deleted from the phone. I sent out 'resignation emails' to people letting them know how I felt their relationship to me was caustic and that I am doing what I need to do to take care of me. And, I was, for the first time in a long time, brutally honest about my feelings, without real regard to those of the receiving party. It wasn't to be callous, but to say what I should have said a long time ago.

The book didn't cover all that I'd hoped it would, but it was great for realizing the degree of my situation. I didn't know until today that things were so far beyond bad. And, it gave me hope that with some effort, a lot of faith, I could recover...but that just as it took a long time to get this bad, it will take some time to find real and complete peace.

Tomorrow starts a new day.

Spiritual Retreat: Introduction

That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy...all of these are undoubtedly great virtues...But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yea the very fiend himself--that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved--what then?
                   --Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion:West and East

In my world, it is difficult for me to put myself in a position of priority. I spend most of my time and energy catering to the needs of others. I work long hours, I volunteer all the time,and I seldom take a moment to relax. My 'free time' is often cluttered with projects and tasks, I clean non-stop, etc. As much time as I spent decorating my house, I have not really stopped long enough to enjoy it. My television has been used primarily for guests (which are typically children I babysit).

In the chaos of this frenetic activity, I am able to ignore the internal struggles of my life. I am able to suppress my emotions, my feelings, and to be 'successful.' I am a hard-worker, always recognized for my outstanding performance at work and at school. I am 'all degreed up' and I seem to be doing well for myself. I volunteer just about every weekend. I don't drink (very seldom) and I go to the gym almost everyday. In this regard, I have no time to display any emotions. I just smile and portray an image that all is well, even when I know it isn't. For a few hours of the day, I even begin to believe that myself.

But, in the evenings, when I am home alone, the tears fall. In the shower, the tears fall. At night,when I can't sleep, the tears fall. When I wake up frantic from night terrors, the tears fall. When I wake up to see the bruises I've left on my own body in my sleep, the tears fall. But then, I wake up to a new opportunity to excel at what I do best, pretend that everything is okay.

I have always had issues here and there to deal with. But it was just recently, when confronted with yet another issue, that it dawned on me that my situation was far graver than I'd originally thought it to be. I hadn't realized how much I had suppressed until I could hold no more. I hadn't realized how much hurt and pain I carried around, how much emotional baggage I pulled along every day. After a while, I'd just stopped feeling things. I'd just say my usual 'whatever,' and ignore how it may have made me feel...and eventually it seemed to be forgotten. Until now.

I listened today, by chance, to a song by Alicia Keys on her Elements of Freedom album called "Pray for Forgiveness.' It shook me up unexpectedly. I began to cry so hard that I had to pull over and gather myself. It took me 20 minutes to regain my composure enough to drive home. I kept thinking, I am drowning in my own tears, and nobody notices. Even those who may have an idea of where I am, really have no understanding of the depth of my emotion. I understood that I needed real help, not from a therapist (I've been seeing one for almost a year and a half), but from the Maker of my emotions. I need to get back in conversation with God.  I need to rebuild my faith. I need to accept my past for what it was, and accept the changes to me, therein. You cannot be the person you were before life happens to you, there will be some changes. How you handle the experiences, what you change, how you learn to cope with your situations dictate the level of success you can have in recovering.

I haven't recovered. From any of it. I thought I had, but I just hid it; even from myself. I told myself I was okay. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was okay. I felt like I was doing just fine in life, until 14 November 2008, when it just got turned upside down and all of my dirty laundry fell out for all to see...not just that situation, but the pain and hurt I'd endured and suffered in silence my whole life.

So, I am taking a spiritual retreat, beginning tomorrow. I will pray, meditate, and fast (social fasting). I will step away from the commotion in my life and be still. Only then can I hear the answers. I am chronicling this very personal experience, not because I want everyone to know my business, but because I know there is someone who will read this and understand all too well how I feel at this moment. There may be someone who is on the verge of giving up (I've been there a time or two) and needs a little encouragement to continue. If I suffer in silence, no one will know. No one will be able to grow as a result of my experience.

Beautiful

That night, as I walked into the room, I was almost trembling; nervous about how he would see me. My black satin lace negligee was covered by a matching satin robe, tightly tied to prevent any unintended exposure.

I’d been preparing for this all day. I’d just taken a bubble bath to soothe my mind- candles illuminated the room, emanating a soft lavender aroma. As I bathed, I took my daily solemn inventory of my scars, remembering the birth of each one as parts of me died. Tears felt slowly into the water, disappearing, worthless, lost. How could anyone think this is beautiful? How could something that originated in such darkness and evil ever be good?

My hands trembled as I added lotion to my skin, creating a sheer separation between those moments and this night that I’d been planning for months since then. God, I hope it’s dark enough in the room…
By the time I opened the bedroom door, he’d already lit all of the candles, prepared the pillow and made a place for me. The soft scent of vanilla and chamomile immediately began to calm me. As I looked up, I noticed his gaze. He looked at me as if there had never existed a woman more beautiful. My heart was racing; I swallowed hard and moved slowly toward him.

It had been months since I’d allowed anyone to touch me. His hands reached out slowly to take mine. He looked at me with so much love and affection. I looked thankfully back at him, gazing into his eyes. His grip tightened gently to assure me. He pulled me closer to him, caressed my hair and then put his hand softly on my cheek. Without a single spoken word, I knew he loved me, I knew this moment was beautiful. I knew that he was going to touch my body, I’d prepared for that. But I didn’t know how I was going to react as he made love to my heart and soul.

Gently, his hand moved to my shoulder, to my arm, and to my waist. I held him back, tears filling my eyes as he untied my belt. The robe dropped to the floor, and I stood there, vulnerable, exposed. The satin-laced negligee was form-fitting and very short-teasingly exposing. “Beautiful. Simply beautiful,” he whispered. My heart melted and I finally exhaled, allowing my body to relax a bit.

He brought his hand gently to my side and guided me onto the bed. He carefully and slowly undressed me, inching my negligee past my hips, my back, my breast, warming my body with his sensual as he exposed skin to the flittering light from the candles. He looked at me, softly, sincerely, deeply ‘Beautiful. Simply beautiful.”

In an instant, the automatic reflexes of my self-consciousness forced my hand up to cover as much of the scarring as possible. And just as quickly, he placed his hand on top of mine and slowly eased them to my side. He held them there, reassuringly. “Why do you hide yourself from me,” he asked gently. The tears began to well up in the bottom of the my eyes as I responded “They are such ugly reminders of the worst moments of my life.”

He leaned in closer, and placed his soft, succulent lips on the tip of the worst of the scars. “With this,” he whispered softly “you became more of who you are today. Scars are a testament healing, survival, resilience, courage…and that’s nothing less than absolutely beautiful.” He bent down and kissed every single inch of each scar. Between his kisses and soft caresses, he whispered over and over again “Rare beauty…Damn; just beautiful.” And in that moment, I felt beautiful.

I sat up to kiss his lips. We embraced, melting and molding into each others’ arms. I was ready to let him be a part of me. I pulled him closer, leaning my body slowly back to meet soft bend of the satin covered pillow. I allowed my body to melt into the bed, releasing my thighs as he lowered his body into mine.

Gently, slowly, he danced with my soul to the most beautiful melody imaginable. The easy rhythm that our bodies assumed flooded my senses with an array of sensual cues. I felt whole. I felt loved. I felt beautiful.

A new spring....

A new phase of my life awaits me. A new beginning, a new chance, a new opportunity to be better than I am stands before me. The newness of everything superficially feels refreshing, exciting, and promising. Beneath the surface, though, fear, anxiety, and panic fill my body and mind. Worry overwhelms my senses, making sleep an impossible chore. So, I sit awake, here, writing to you.

The fear that crowds my thoughts every day and scripts my dreams each night is not a normal fear. It may or may not be rational, may or may not be understandable, but it is definitely powerful. Fear and happiness cannot coincide peacefully. This is to say that if someone is filled with fear, then they are void of happiness. Fear can only displace happiness; and happiness displaces fear. Happiness cannot exist without peace. I’ve figured out that without my fear, I could never have appreciated the joy. Without the darkness shadows, we can never recognize the light.
I fell in love with happiness; with peace. It loved me back, hard and good. There were times when I feared less, and loved life more. There were dark and desolate times when fear stole my joy completely. And just when I couldn’t live through the darkness, your light shone brilliantly. You brought so much peace into my world, and when I felt peace, I felt happiness. I felt the warmth of your rays on my soul. And yes, fear always exists outside of the confines of my room, but it is diminished so much by your presence. It’s hard for a shadow to maintain its integrity in the sunlight. And if the sun is before you, then shadows are forced to the rear.

As I write this, I listen to your breaths, watch your chest rise and fall. I feel the vibrations of your dreams resonating within me. Peace and happiness are alive, but not inside of me. Tears fall uncontrollably. My heart aches. My stomach tightens at the thought of leaving your side. All of the peace I’ve found becomes futile, inadequate; I don’t know how to own it, produce it, or find it. I only absorbed it, embraced it. I never made it.

I am trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts. I am remembering the laughs we shared, the long engrossed conversations we’ve had. I remember our duck talks and I laugh out loud. I remember your pen tattoos and I smile. I remember our expensive cab rides, our city explorations, our pillow fights, manicures, pedicures, spa trips. I think of roses.

I feel like a rose. A rose who was once part of a healthy bush, stolen from her home; I was thrown to the hard and lonely streets. Many people passed by, many people kicked me, stepped on me, stepped over me. But you didn’t. You saw I didn’t belong. You picked me up, clipped my stem, and fed me. You loved me and allowed me to be part of your space. You allowed me to bloom, to feel the sun’s rays, to develop and grow. And now, as our paths take us in opposite directions, I am thirsty for more. The more I thirst, the more I begin to wither. Slowly, I am fading. Already, I am fading. I pray for my survival.

I watch you and I look around the room. And I remember butterflies. I feel like a butterfly. Once caged within my own cocoon; afraid of all that exists outside. I tortured myself in my cocoon. I hated myself there. But, one day, I ventured out to get my mail; I noticed a small crack in the wall of my shell. I peeked through and saw and felt the glorious sunlight. It felt so good and warm and it embraced me. It loved me, unconditionally, just because. And, in its light, I played outside, I danced, I laughed, I smiled, I loved the sun right back. From the darkness of night and the storms I still hide, but I can still peek through the cracks. Now, my world begins to darken, my shell becomes more inviting. The cold dark outside appears dismal because the sun has gone away. My wings are brittle, my strength is fading. Already, I am fading. I need to subsist.

My heart beats for the sunny days. I will cherish forever the kisses of the sun. I vow to continue now, not because it will be easy, but because I have learned that it can’t rain all day, every day. I see that more now than ever before, because now I open the window; because now, because of you, I can peek outside. Wisdom spoke to me, saying that no one can ever hurt me any worse than they already have. I have control over whether or not they win. Resilience. Patience. Courage. Determination. Conviction. For me, it is the only way to ensure my survival.

I haven’t lost all of my optimism; I still want to change the world, to make a difference. Sometimes, in order to change the world, we have to first change ourselves. And sometimes, that change begins somewhere else. Sometimes, that change begins with a simple statement, a warm smile, and a surprisingly easy conversation. Something so simple, yet so powerful has come to change the way I see the world and how the world sees me, forever.

Old People Dance to 'Billie Jean,' Provide Best Memorial to Michael Jackson Yet

Old People Dance to 'Billie Jean,' Provide Best Memorial to Michael Jackson Yet


I love how much life these men have. Michael Jackson may not have been perfect, but this proves he was and continues to be a powerful and inspirational force!

Obama to Repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy

http://www.aolnews.com/politics/article/barack-obama-vows-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-military-policy-on-gays/19334979?icid=mainmaindl1link7http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolnews.com%2Fpolitics%2Farticle%2Fbarack-obama-vows-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-military-policy-on-gays%2F19334979

In 2010, in a world where gay marriage is accepted, where gay pride flags are recognized by nearly everyone, it should be hard to believe that this has brought so much controversy.

Like racism, anti-gay policies have resulted in a huge disservice for America. When I was swearing in to come into the Air Force, I almost backed out. In a video moments before, they explained in detail what it meant to commit "homosexual acts" and how such acts could result in court-martial and possibly immediate and less than honorable discharge.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was it that serious? Really? I, wrongfully and remorsefully, justified the video as a means to promote sexual privacy...or something. I was so convinced that the Air Force was what I wanted to do, that I ignored that video.

Then, since I have been in, I have seen the effects of that policy. I have met Airmen who have been forced to live an "alternative" lifestyle. They have been forced to declare themselves heterosexual or to remain completely closeted. Not only do they have the government to fear, but they have their fellow service members to fear as well. Hate crimes do occur in the military.

So, we are fighting in two wars, our men and women die everyday; we serve everyday to protect the freedoms afforded us by our Constitution. But, while we serve, we cannot live those freedoms? It isn't enough that we have to worry about terrorists attacking us and protecting our families back home? We now should care about the sexual orientation of our wingman? We don't have time to care about that. And even if we did, what good does that do?

I am not homosexual, I don't really agree with the principles associated with it, but I accept people wholly for who they are. At the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions and I have to deal with mine. I choose not to judge people, but to accept them and be tolerant of our differences.

I am vegetarian. There are many who don't agree with the principles and the concepts that permit my decision. But that's who I am. Am I less of a person because of it? Should I say I am not Christian? The Bible allows people to eat meat. So, should I be kicked out of the military because I take all of the vegetarian MREs? I mean seriously. People can choose to accept it or not. This is not to undermine the seriousness of the issue but to highlight the pettiness and the shame of the situation.

To the senator that claimed that "this country was founded on the Christian principles of heterosexuality," I say back- this country was founded on hatred, intolerance, and the backs and lives of others. I would even suggest that some of the members of the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria were closeted homosexuals. And, I am quite certain that they all partook in the turkey dinner!

Just my thoughts...what do you think?

Chris Matthews MSNBC: 'I Forgot Obama Was Black for an Hour'

Chris Matthews MSNBC: 'I Forgot Obama Was Black for an Hour'

What do you think about this?

Personally, I am not in the least bit surprised. It is so easy for someone who does not live a problem daily to feel as if we have somehow overcome that problem. Racism is alive and well. It's not just against Black people, it's against Latinos, Asians, and even Caucasians. The perpetrators are not all Caucasian either. I have known Black people to denigrate other Black people (i.e. Jamaicans, Africans, Haitians, etc). I have witnessed people of all colors and socioeconomic status promote racist views of other races. Unfortunately, as I sit here to type this, I cannot say that there has been any major group of people against whom racism hasn't been thrust. There is no question about the prominence of racism in American or even global society.

However, the effect of the racism varies from one population to another. Black people have felt the pain of it for hundreds of years. That has not subsided. Nor will I be willing to claim that it has begun to subside. It has never been the case that every White person hated Black people or even succumbed to the beliefs that have driven the egregiously committed acts and policies of American history. I uphold that today, racism is not the flaw of every White person. However, it is a flaw of more than we'd like to admit. It is the flaw of many Americans- of all races- way more than we'd like to say.

Again, though, the question returns to the effect of the racism. If a prominent Black man decided not to like White people, would that influence an election or a major policy? Would it change the way Americans see the White person? Would they question his nationality? his morals? his ethics? No. They would think the Black person was offensive and racist. The majority of Americans would call it what it would be: RACISM. But when the tables are turned, does this still hold true? I'd think not.

We have always known the White man to be the hegemony of the world, especially here in America. He sits at a huge table where his influence reaches far and wide. Yes, we are starting to have dialogue at this table, but he's still at the head. The table isn't round as it should be.

So, while Chris Matthews comments were not meant to be offensive, they were a blatant reminder of what it is to be Brown in America. It doesn't stop at the White House. In corporate America, brown men and women are vying for recognition and promotions to top positions. They are fighting hard to be seen for their accomplishments and capabilities, not for their skin complexion. In the military, the Army, partially due to the higher number of Brown service men and women, is perceived to be inferior to their sister services. A historically Black college or university (HBCU) degree is somehow less valuable than one from a predominately white school. Latinos and Blacks are being blamed for the increase in welfare costs, but the reality is that more White people receive welfare than any single group. The list could go on...

But for every achievement, for every new name taught in schools during the month of February, those who do not live in brown skin every day tend to forget the daily struggles. They tend to use a displacement theory to replace many "bads" with one great "good." The notion that a Black president means racism is over is naive and remorseful. This is especially true when you see how hard many have tried to thwart every effort he has made, or when you consider the death threats, or the racial commentary that permeates the media. Even Black activists are 'disappointed' because he hasn't done much for the Black community....WHAT!?! He is helping America...which, to my knowledge, includes Black people. Did they think that just because he is Black that he would pass the "Black Act" giving all Black people some entitlement at the exclusion of others? That has never been his rhetoric and we should fear that approach as much as any racially driven objective.

If racism were over, we wouldn't even notice he was Black. No expectations would come from his skin color. And that goes both ways.

Thank you, Angels

Greetings!

I hope and pray that this note finds each of you in the midst of good health, good spirits, and great peace. In my journey, I have been privileged to encounter each of you at some point. I honestly believe that every person you encounter in your life, no matter the brevity of such encounter, touches your life in some way, whether positively or negatively.

In my life, I have been adversely affected by many. Some of these encounters have affected my body, some my spirit, and I have even allowed my faith to waiver. People have stolen my joy, robbed me of my peace, and covered my world with darkness. And there were those unspeakable moments of my life when I didn't have enough faith, enough strength, enough love for myself to make it further. And it was in those moments, when the faith, strength, and love of my family and friends held me up. It was in these moments when my friends, family, and even strangers, seeing that I'd lost my way repositioned me in the direction of God.

There are people who smiled at me at that moment when I'd given up on the world. There is the man who helped me with my bags as I slid across the icy parking lot. There is the lady who offered me a ride when she drove past me walking in the rain without an umbrella. There are the customers who come in and thank me for helping them, letting me know my work is noticed and appreciated. There are the friends who randomly send messages on facebook or to my email just wanting to say hello. There is the family that holds me up when I feel faint at heart. My sister, Cale, who always listens and, when I was quieted by circumstances, helped me find my voice. She is one of my best friends. Another sister, Bri, my little copycat! She inspires me to continue, to be better than I was the day before, to remember that someone is always watching me. My sister Dee is my comedy relief, the one that makes me laugh when there is absolutely nothing to laugh at. My mother, oh the woman that has shown her courage and strength time and time again, who encourages me, lifts me up when I am down, pushes me to be better, tells corny jokes when I need them the most, and who taught me how to 'cry two tears in a bucket...' (smile).

There is Ryan who continues to support me. Who continues to love me, no matter how complicated things get. It is he who promised to spend the rest of his life with me, knowing that wouldn't be easy. He is a great source of motivation for me, his words and actions push me to be better, they push me to be the best I can be, no matter what happens. It is he that made me recognize that my own peace and happiness are my responsibility, and no one elses.

Then, there is Raheem, my best friend here in Korea. It is he that, literally saved my life, twice, here. He is a sounding board for the myriad of thoughts that seem to short circuit my brain sometimes. He's my bodyguard from all of the vultures that pervade Osan. He's great company: funny, considerate, kind, respectful. He never disrespects me, my marriage, or his. In fact, he has introduced new facets of loyalty that I'd never even considered before. He, too, inspires me to be better. He makes me appreciate the power of the sun, especially in the midst of great storms.

There are so many people who have touched and inspired me. There are some whose negativity and ignorance have propelled me ahead, forcing me to distance myself from the disappointing levels on which they reside. I am learning, the more I grow, that no man is an island. I am learning to find lessons in the good and bad situations. I am finding that someone can be an example of what I don't want to be. And, I am learning that sometimes, you have to let some people, some things, some thoughts, some feelings, some hurts and some memories go.

So this note, is a 'thank you' to all of you. Thank you for loving me when you did. Thank you for supporting me when you did. Thank you for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you for being a part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours. I hope and pray that each of you continues to be a part of my life and that you continue to be the person that God created you to be. You are all angels sent to help someone make it in this world.

To this end, I have one request. Please send a message to me with an update about what's going on in your life. I want to know if you have children, if you are married, etc. Send your birthdays and anniversaries so I can add them to my calendar. Also, please send your email addresses so that I can do my best to keep up with you as we travel in our own directions. Happy New Year!