Thursday, November 06, 2008

An ObamaNation

Two days later, I still cannot adequately nor completely accurately express into words what the start of an "Obama-nation" means to me or to America. I have been thinking about what others are saying about his monumental and historical victory and decided to compile some of my thoughts:

1. Blacks all over the world should be proud of what Obama has accomplished.
Indeed they should be. We ALL should be proud of what WE have accomplished. Obama launched an awe inspiring campaign 21 months ago. But WE worked side by side, sending donations, volunteering to help, campaigning for him, telling our friends, registering people to vote, but most importantly, believing in a movement greater than ourselves. We must remember, AMERICA voted, not just Black people. It doesn't undermine the accomplishment nor its historical significance. It just to remind us to maintain and foster the unity we developed with each other over the course of this campaign.

2. We were afraid to take a chance, afraid to risk disappointment.
Whoo! That's powerful. I do think that so many of us were afraid to dream, afraid to take a chance, we were so afraid to hope that we have been since that fateful day in 1968 a rather silent people. For the most part, we had been conditioned into a state of complacency. A place where dreams were limited, goals short-term, and life surrounded by the walls of society's box. Yes, we've had the NAACP voicing concerns on the news, the LA riots of 1996, and we petitioned for Aminah Lewall. But, we have not sacrificed and fought for anything like we did this President. Failure would lead to disappointment, so we only attempted what we were sure would be possible. Obama attempted the impossible and succeeded! We are beginning to understand that dreams do come true. In essence, Barack Obama gave us the "Audacity to Hope." Amazing how Obama's book sums so eloquently this campaign.

3. This is important for the upcoming generations.
Actually, Obama's election is important to ALL generations. He inspires everyone, all nationalities, all socioeconomic statuses, all races, all professions. He inspires the old to dream one more time. He inspires the young to push to new heights. He inspires the nation to embrace its diversity and has proven that unity and diversity can coincide gracefully and powerfully. But, the greatest privilege he has given us is our new ability to encourage our children. We have expanded the horizons of their futures. Truly they can be whatever they want to be; we no longer have to shield them from the old perceived 'reality' that the 'world ain't ready for no Black...' We can do anything we put our hearts and minds to do.

4. Barack Obama is going to work primarily on behalf of other Black Americans
That's disappointing to hear. Seriously. Barack Obama won this election with a very sizeable margin. That means people of all colors joined him on his journey to the White House. Why would he just ignore such a massive group of people? Further, during the entire campaign, Obama has preached a message of unity and has demonstrated his desire to work for the country...not a group of people. He wants America to be free and open and truly live up to the Land of Opportunity. He's about creating jobs, repairing the economy, etc...not giving out 'hook ups' to other Black people. A claim like this just highlights the ignorance that still pervades this country.

5. Okay, so now that he's President (Elect), what happens next?
The journey just began. Getting to the White House was akin to finally getting into the car for a long road trip. There are still lots of ground to cover, especially in the next four years. WE must work together to support his initiatives, we must all do our part to help reduce our energy usage, keep our streets clean, take care of our children, support our educators, support our soldiers, etc. We keep working. Leadership requires followership. We are following his lead, learning valuable lessons. Already, during this campaign, we have had lessons on professionalism, the inevitability of hatership, resilience, perserverance, diplomacy, and honesty. In the next 4-8 years, I do believe that more of such lessons will be learned. Eventually, most in America will see the beauty of diversity.

The beautiful part of this election was not just that a Black man was elected President. But that this man has the ability to circumvent the negativity and replace it with new ideas. He educated us, he focused on us, and through his outstanding oratory abilities, he inspired us. He dared to dream, and his dream became a reality.

Tuesday, November 04, 2008

On Patriotism....

Patriotism is defined as "devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty;" "love of country and willingness to sacrifice for it;" and "love of country; devotion to the welfare of one's country; the virtues and actions of a patriot; the passion which inspires one to serve one's country." Patriotism to me embodies an unconditional reciprocal relationship between one's country and one's spirit; a relationship in which both give for each other, each benefitting from the other; a relationship where the unique and diverse qualities and characteristic of both the individual and the nation are not only accepted but encouraged; a relationship in which the history of each one is an integral part to the history of the nation.
Both candidates for President of the United States have displayed unmistakable patriotism. Both have contributed significantly to the continued growth and development of our relatively young nation. Both have sacrificed many years, albeit through disparate journeys, for the causes of our country. Each have demanded and effected change within the systems, the hearts, the minds, and souls of America. And, for this, we should all be truly grateful.
John McCain served in the US military, fighting in one of the most gruesome wars in American history. He sacrificed much of his life to defend our nation, to save our soldiers, and to promote a positive change in our government. While some of his plans for America might have been contrary to my own personal beliefs, the immense effort and passion that he thrust behind them still managed to stir something within me. His story as a Prisoner of War (POW) is inspiring and serves as a great testament to John McCain's courage and selflessness. His service to the United States can never go unappreciated.
Barack Obama didn't follow the traditional military path. Instead, this great orator has appealed to the masses through their hearts. He has triggered a surge of deep patriotism that has not been felt to this extent in my lifetime.
Of course, after 9/11 everyone was temporarily patriotic. But, it was temporary. Most people resumed their lives, thinking about it as the media blasted it, but dismissing it during the commerical breaks. Some put up flags as a reminder of this country's greatness, some wore wrist bands, some wore lapel flag pins, some sent a donation to organizations that helped others. And, true indeed, some felt their lives changing as that second plane hit the World Trade Center towers. Some felt a sense of patriotism so strong that they left the security of their jobs to help restore America, some enlisted in the US Armed Forces, some took in displaced children. But still, the masses went profoundly unaffected. The effect of the blasts was superficial, shrouded in controversy, and filled with judgment of many: of our government, our President, our nation, and even our neighbors. In many situations, 9/11 caused such an intense fear, not patriotism, that the very diversity that makes this country great, was replaced with separatist hatred. Now, anyone resembling a Muslim, was a terrorist.
Now, Obama may never have served in the Armed Forces. But he has rolled up his sleeves to work in some of the most desperate neighborhoods in this country, making the point that wearing a uniform doesn't make you a patriot. It's not what you wear that defines you, it's who you are inside, as he explained when the media lambasted him for not wearing the 9/11 lapel pin. His patriotism is very deep and sincere and he won this election not just because he came up with an economic plan, but because he incited that patriotic spirit in the atoms of our nation. He reached out to the smallest part of our nation: each person. He, unlike anyone I've ever seen before, recognized the importance of each individual in the success of a nation. He recognized that WE must work to repair America, not just our elected officials. He started from the bottom and reached the "mountaintop" that Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about.
Yes, we made history. We will see the first African-American President ever in America. That is awesome. But more awesome than the color of his skin, was his ability to move people to action. More people registered to vote than in any previous election. People were moved to see past color lines, past party lines, and beyond those things that divide us. Instead his campaign focused on all that made us America, all that united us. That's patriotism. Working from the bottom, devoting time, energy, love, money, and sacrificing for the welfare of America, and inspiring others to do the same is patriotism. He made this fight one for America. WE campaigned, WE sacrificed, WE devoted time, WE believed in something greated than "me," WE believed in US!
Now, WE must continue to work, to strive for change, to work together, to endure together, to make sacrifices, and to lend ourselves for America. Obama is the elected leader, but as such we must do our part to help him to help us be the US we can be. YES WE CAN!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Beyond Aesthetics...

True beauty lies far below the superficial limitations of our visual cues; deeper than our skin complexions, beyond our hairstyles, beneath the layers of fabric (and their brands) we wear.

True intelligence is more profound than titles, roles, degrees. It cannot be measured by the number of books one has read or written. It cannot be determined by shear verbosity, aptitude, testing ability, or naif expertise.

True love is incomparable to anything human. It moves beyond our emotions, our thoughts, our ideas of romance, our notions of family and relationships. It extends past the confines of our imagination, past ourselves. It erases color lines, national boundaries, gang territories, denominations, religious affiliations, and other divisive institutions.

True beauty is the ability to see God in everyone else. When you see beauty in others in spite of their attitudes, dispositions, moral decisions, beliefs, skin color, hair texture, clothing preferences, sexuality, religious affiliations, etc., you choose to see the beauty of God's imagination. You see His creation. The awareness of frivolity of all of the minuscule details we spend our lives 'preventing' or 'lifting' or 'tucking' or 'covering' leads us to see the bigger picture. We see that God created us all in his image. No man inferior to another, rather each man necessary for the survival of the rest. No man walketh a path of life alone. He encounters at least one life, and with just the encounter, changes it.

True intelligence is the understanding that humans will never know it all. We will research and discover and add to our relatively small perception of the world we live in. We will develop schemes to accomplish great tasks, we will turn to doctors for medical advice; lawyers for legal advice. And yes, we can live and make smart and wise decisions; but, we will not uncover genuine intelligence as long as we think we already know what it is. The intelligence we too often forget about comes in the form of gifts, talents that God has given each of us. We value some more than others, but we shouldn't. Without each of these talents the world could not exist as it does, we would not be able to do the jobs we have. Intelligence comes in knowing that there is so much more to understand that stems from a Source far greater than the next laboratory.

And true love. True love is unconditional. It is everlasting and always forgiving. And no matter how many people think they have found it, true love is actually foreign to our world; instead of forgiving, we go to war. True loves says that 'because God made you, I will sacrifice my all for you.' It doesn't ask for your appreciation, a certificate of excellence, or a return of the favor. Just recognition of God's love for you. Human beings cannot love in complete truth. We can love with sincerity. We want to love with everything we have, and we do...but we do not live in complete truth for we cannot live in something which we continuously seek.

In our search for the Truth, we have traveled into places near and far, into other galaxies, onto other planets. But until we take a collective look inside of each one of us we won't find it. Truth lives in us. God is Truth and He resides in all of his creations. The superfluous truth that we live each day is never enough to sustain us. We are constantly searching for more, a greater truth, and more in depth truth, the real truth.... But we are looking to aesthetics to guide us, our brains to figure it out, our hearts to push our emotions, but we don't get to the depths of our own souls. We don't know who we are at our very core.

In learning who God is, we can gain true intelligence. God knows all. No need for a LSAT or GRE to prove that. In learning who God is, we can learn to see the beauty of all of His creations. We can learn to appreciate our earth and all of its inhabitants. And In learning who God is, we can experience the Greatest Love ever to exist. We already have the tools we need. We just need to start digging.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

This is you...

Your soul is an open wound, broken stitches, jagged edges. Wounded and repaired, wounded again. 'For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son....' and yet, he still left you? A soul struggling to hold on to its life. Clinging. . .

Your mind, filled with anger, bitterness, confusion, fear forms a brick wall surrounding your heart and soul. Because of what you know. More, though, because of what you don't know. Your mind searches for answers to questions you can't ask, he's not there to answer, or to which you just don't want to know the answers.

Your heart, though hardened by your life's losses, the disappointments, and the failures of love, is purified like a diamond in the midst of coal. Rare. Clear. Coveted. Valued. Flawless. Waiting to be rescued, waiting to love, waiting to signal your world that you are ready to take a chance. Waiting.

And your body; wanting, giving... makes love but fights wars, caresses yet defends, dancing to its own flavor of music, tasting-no, consuming life with exuberant passion.



This is you.



Moonlit nights, heated by your warmth replay themselves in my mind. Nights of passion, nights of trust... Indulgence.

The smell of your body, your cologne, your scent are refreshed every time I see you. I can remember what you smelled like, I can remember what you felt like...

The taste of your lips, almost as sweet as the words that emanate from them, cause my whole body to shudder with anticipation. Then, the feel of them on my neck, my chest, my breasts, my...

The feel of your strength, strong hands caressing my body, holding me steady, keeping me...guiding me. The strength of your body accepting mine, entering mine--giving me power.

This is you and me.

I cannot express what you do to me. I cannot tell you of my dreams, my fantasies. I cannot tell you that even without touching you, my thoughts betray my inhibitions. I cannot tell you of the ways my world changes for you, how your smile can renew my spirit. I cannot tell you of the place you made in my heart, that will be there even when we part. Ah, when we part...

Sadness, loneliness, heartache will come... I opened doors, moved walls and let you into places I probably will never let anyone again. We will go our separate ways and with me I will carry a precarious mixture of guilt, betrayal, love and lust... but I wouldn't change even one moment...

This is me.

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Key

I can no longer listen to the tintinnabulations of the shackles and chains of my past. I have spent most of my life living in regret, shame and hopelessness. I have already wasted so much of my short life in tears because of what people stole from me.

For years, I have struggled to go nowhere, just anywhere away from the pain of my childhood, the misery of my rape, and the heartaches and suffering of my illness. I have once written that I was not just raped; I was raped and murdered. It was a massacre. My children were murdered. My family was killed. And my hopes and dreams, bludgeoned, beaten, kicked, stabbed, and fatally wounded. I thought God had forsaken me when Dr. Anjins diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. I thought I'd been left to walk the sands of the beach with only one set of footprints.

In reality though, my tears, my lack of focus, my inability to see my life beyond my own set of circumstances, prevented me from being able to see the truth of it all. Because I didn't see it, I thought it wasn't there. I can almost laugh at that notion now. The immaturity of my relationship with God, my shakiness in my faith, my inconsistency in my walk, led me to believe something I knew wasn't true.

How is it that we know that God is real, yet find ways to undermine His presence in our lives? I kept thinking: If God were real and true, then He would never have let these things happen to me. I would ask over and over why God let these things happen to me. Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I do what I was supposed to do?

Funny, because while I have shared my testimony with hundreds of people, learned to pray and meditate again, and truly reestablished my connection with God, I never really understood how God sees me and my circumstances; what His intentions for my life are--until now. Here's where I now stand:
In each level of both my life and my conscious searching for God, He has never
failed to provide me the things for which I fervently asked. He is the provider of
everything my heart could desire and my mind could conjure. There is nothing in this
world, this universe, that He did not create.
Things happened to me, yes. God never intended for my body to be permanently
scarred. He never pushed me into trouble, or even led me down the wrong road. I walked
down a road, I lacked faith, I lacked the spiritual weapons I should have had, I lacked the
vision. I asked God to help me to be closer to my mother. I asked God to bring me together
with my family. I asked God to use me to help other people.
And that's just what He did.
Now, here I am, a creature with emotions and feelings. But, unlike before, I walk in faith. I just step out. I pray, I meditate, I ask God for answers and they come. When they do, I listen. I joined the Air Force because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I believe God heard that and has given me the opportunity to help other people reach their potential, to move past their obstacles, and come closer to him...without ever having done the job I came to the Air Force to do. The obstacles I have encountered just allowed me to find new routes, meet and encourage a new set of people, and share God's love in places I wouldn't have otherwise.
Moreover, God has led other people to me. I have attracted so many 'angels' that look out for me. There are people who come just when I need them the most, calls that come at just the right time, movies or books or speakers that say just what I need them to say, right when I need them to say it. God sends out others who have figured it out so that I can figure it out. My gratitude to have so many people, so much happiness come my way so often, is immeasurable.
The same holds true for all of the baggage to which I have been shackled and chained. God has blessed me with a new perspective. I have a different understanding of events in a person's life for which I have encouragement to share. I have been sent on another path because of those events of my past.
I don't believe you are what you experience, rather, you are the knowledge and the lessons you acquire from what you experience. Knowledge alone isn't power, the courage to apply the knowledge you have is powerful. The openness to reach to a higher source to find answers is powerful. To look within yourself and find that there is nothing you can't do, not because you are so great, but because God is in you, and HE is awesome beyond measure, is an awe inspiring moment. It is a moment so powerful, so overwhelming, that people seldom act on that new understanding.
I can no longer stand to hear the tinkles and chimes of the chains with which I am bound. God has no limitations, God is in me, therefore I have no limitations. Everything I am supposed to be, I am. In Him, I am perfect and true, beautiful in my own way. I don't have to be perfect by the world's standards. I am who I am, true to who I am, and thus perfect at being who God intended me to be.

Saturday, July 26, 2008

The Power of the Challenge


I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in love. I believe that every soul on this planet has a purpose; that no one is here serendipitously. I believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper because I kept in His hands and no man is strong enough to defeat God's power.

I must admit that from time to time, I lose sight of this credence. I forget that I have a purpose and that I am exactly where I am because I am supposed to be at that precise moment. I forget that I have a purpose or that others have purposes in my life. I forget about the power of love...of God's love, of human love, and of self-love.

In my lifetime, I have faced a plethora of challenges. My faith has been tested and proven, time and time again. Each of these tests, some small and some huge, has worked to build the foundation of my faith. I have learned that you can claim to believe in something, you can claim to be faithful to something; but until that faith or belief is challenged, you cannot be sure of its validity and strength.

Nothing is considered factual without study. How do we know if a product works? We test it; with these tests we prove the validity of the claim that it works. Without these tests, the claims are just words without meaning. How do we know that a building is the tallest in the world? We measure it and compare its measurements with those of the rest of the world's buildings. The same holds true for our faith and beliefs.

Everyday, people say they love one another. New couples emerge and they say those three words. And they ask themselves, how do I know this is real? How do I know that he/she loves me? Am I sure that I love him/her? And then, that love is tested. And you know that its real because it endures. I am convinced that this is the reason that couples married for many years often say they love their spouse more today than they did when they got married. How many times has their love been tested in the span of the marriage? The more trials they endure, the stronger the love proves to be.

Every relationship we have works this way. The spiritual relationships, the human relationships, the relationship we have with ourselves, all work this way. To build on a relationship, one must endure tests and trials, to prevail in spite of storms that will certainly assay the strength of that bond.

So, through every test and challenge I experience, I learn to reexamine what I believe. My trials and challenges have proven that God exists, proven the power of prayer, the power of love, and that there is a purpose for everything under the sun... the greatest challenge is learning to let go and accept those purposes, accept love, and to learn to pray for more understanding.

Friday, July 25, 2008

What will I die for?

I once read a quote that said, "You can't know what you live for if you don't know what you'll die for." As I read that quote, a melange of ideas scattered my thoughts. Different themes danced around light heartedly as I, selfishly, thought about vanilla Oreo cookies and other supererogatory material goods. And then, as if God, Himself, were speaking to me, those thoughts suddenly vanished and an overpowering and inextricable set of emotions fell upon me.
In an instant, I thought about the firefighters who lost their lives in the 9/11 attacks. Those men and women who sacrificed themselves for the lives of others. They believed in those people they saved. They believed in the value of each life as the men and women of the trade towers were extracted from the building. They believed that each of those they saved had a purpose and would each make incalculable contributions to our nation. They believed this before the first plane ever took off from that airport. They believed in it the day they took their oath.
In my mind, examples of heroism began to deluge my mind, an irreversible cataclysm of faith. I realized that people do what they do everyday because they have faith in other people. I thought about Christa, my little seven-year-old hero, who with her precocious wisdom, brought me back to reality and, probably, ultimately saved my life. I thought about how much she believed in God's word and how she feared not anything this world could offer or take away. I thought about how, at seven years old, she knew that God had given her life and that in death, He would give her life anew. And she believed it so intently, that she was willing to die for it.
I thought about Jason, the Air Force medic who deployed with the Army six times to Iraq. I thought about how he never once complained when his tours were extended. How he worked through exhaustion, how he sacrificed his family to ensure that others kept their loved ones. I thought about his belief in that flag of 13 stripes and 50 stars, in that uniform and all that it represented, and in this nation, replete with imperfections yet still serving as a beacon of hope for millions around the world. I thought about the children not even born yet that he fought to protect. I thought about the families whose loved ones were kept alive by his heroism. I thought of the way he died in combat, with pride, honor and dignity. He died fighting for more than a victory, he died for what he believed in.
And now, I ask myself again what it is that I am willing to die for. I ask because knowing why I do what I do helps to keep me focused on the task. It helps me to understand that each day may not be easy, that no days may be easy, but that each day is worth it because whether with a hose, my words and prayers, or my m-16, I am a warrior. I am fighting for what I believe in. So today, with absolute certitude, I understand what I life for. I live for my family: my mother, my siblings, my nieces and nephews. I live for my neighborhoods: my students who fight everyday to survive the world. I live for my nation, replete with foibles at every level, but the only place I'd ever want to claim as my own. I live for my love of the human race. But most importantly. I live for God. Jesus died on the cross because He believed in me. What can I do to be worthy of that honor? I can never live to that standard.
As I was writing this, I thought of one more person: Wiline. Every email she has ever sent me summed up my entire understanding; everything I believe falls under the umbrella of the words written in the signature block of her messages to me:

For Christ I live, and for Christ I will die.

Saturday, July 19, 2008

To You, Mrs. Middleton

When she was born back in 1988, I had already established my position in the family as the baby. And when she came home and garnered all of the attention of our family and friends, I was bitter and filled with resentment. But as I have grown up, I started to see her with different lenses.

When she was two years old, she watched THE LITTLE MERMAID no less than a thousand times (I'm not really exaggerating in that number). To this day, we quote the movie at every swimming event...and sometimes in completely dry situations. She demanded and drank so much apple juice that I now can barely tolerate the smell of Mott's Apple Juice. I, in my adult life, have NEVER bought apple juice for my household. Thank you, Briana. This is the little girl who screamed and danced in horror at the mere mention of 'ants' or 'ghosts'...she still does...(I'm mischievously smirking now as I type this.)

She was always a princess, beautiful, demanding, mean, and spoiled rotten. I have pictures of her pouting from day one. Smart, learning to spell with music (we should've known then)..."S-L-E-E-P-Y, Sleepy!" she would sing. Then it was her name, then more complicated stuff.... I remember Mommy used to spell EVERYTHING, and I remember the day Briana decided she knew how to spell McDonald's...my mom was stunned. We still tried to spell stuff, but the little slickster understood us anyway...

She knew how to cry and manipulate anyone into having her way. And, as bratty as she was sometimes, I learned early on how sweet and special she is. I hated that she copied everything I did, said, suffered through, wore...now, I see her affection and the flattery she intended in those days. I know how much she respects who we are and yearns to learn all that she can. Her goofy jokes, her sensitivities, her sweet hugs, her warm emails, her loud messages through someone else's phone calls; all serve to show just how special she really is.

I remember telling someone she was 13...and then realized she was 13 three or four years prior! I couldn't believe she was growing up so fast. And now, as I sit here and look at her, I see something completely new. I see this beautiful rose bush whose thorns and thick branches sometimes start trouble at home, but whose awesome delicate flowers overshadow everything else. The buds of her flowers still haven't opened all the way, but they are as bright and ready as any other of God's creations.

I still can't believe she is grown. I still can't believe she is married. I still can't believe how God has blessed us all by her very existence. The sibling rivalries, the trifling and petty arguments and my extreme aversion to apple juice, have all been necessary to all of us. We are who we are today because of them. But, the overwhelming pride I have in her, the unyielding and unconditional love I have for her, the deep respect I have for her and what she is accomplishing, and the great adoration I have for her as my sister are sentiments I am now sharing with her, voluntarily. (Let's not talk about sharing as siblings...lol)

I hope to one day soon follow in her footsteps down that aisle. I hope to be as confident, as beautiful, as ready, as open-minded and as in love as she is right now. Life is short. (Briana may be a little shorter...hey, I am still the big sister!) But, in the two decades we've shared on this planet, I have learned a lot from her. She makes me want to be a better example for her. She pushes me when I need a nudge here and there. She yells through the phone that she loves me, and counts and cherishes each minute I spend with her.
** ** ** ** **
Breezy, I love who you are, and I am excited about who you are becoming. Don't forget to pray and ask for guidance. And know, that for the rest of our lives, you can always count on me. I am proud of the young woman you are. Continue in your diligence, be as good of a wife as you have been a little sister. I love you little one!

Friday, July 04, 2008

Exactly Where I Am...

If there is nothing else that this past year has taught me, it has shown me innumerable times how God has a plan that trumps any plans I can make for myself. With this, there is no possibility that I can be in a place that I should not be.

I pray daily for God to order my steps. I pray for direction and purpose. God answers my prayers everytime. I just don't always like His answer. Sometimes, He allows me to move as I'd planned. However, as soon as my plans aren't aligned with His, He makes modifications.

So, now, I am still here in Texas, upset about not being able to leave and go on to do more training. But each day, I am learning alot about how my presence is needed here. I am able to have relationships that I would probably have never had if I hadn't stepped exactly how I did...if I weren't exactly where I am.

Faith is praying for it, and moving knowing that it will come to pass. Well, I pray for guidance, direction and purpose for each step. God, knowing all, responds and sets up my journey as I manuver my way through various obstacles. I know that the obstacles I face strengthen me and my faith and serve to guide me onto other paths.

So, instead of spending the remainder of my time, lamenting about all of the things I could be doing, or that I should be doing, I am going to take the time to thank God for allowing me to do the things that I find myself doing at that moment. I am going to pray that He continues to order my steps and that I find peace within my situation.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Love: How do you know it's real?

Real love doesn't come everyday. As a person who has just begun to find out what that even means, I am no expert in defining the constraints that permit us to categorize our feelings and emotions under such a title. In fact, I don't think real love is solely emotions or feelings. While those may be the more tangible facets of this phenomenon, it is becoming more clear to me that other aspects present themselves more conspicuously and much less confusingly.

In my own case, I have loved before. I have really felt for someone a kind of love that until now, I thought to be 'real love.' It was. In it's own way... I cared deeply for people. I still care deeply.
But this that I feel now goes further. Much further.

Now, I pray every night that God never let this person walk out of my life. I ask God to make me a better person and to prepare me to be for him what he needs me to be. I ask God to direct my path to follow His will and to help me to be the Christian woman this man deserves. I walk in faith. I cannot give up even when I think I can't take anymore. I walk...blindly into our future. I cannot make decisions without him. The two most important figures in my life are God and my man...even when it seems that neither is present.

I have tried to walk away...but my heart is threaded to his. I am in love with him. I am in love with Him. Both love me. Both speak to my heart. Both amaze me everyday. And I am blessed. One blessed me with the other. The other helps me to look to Him. It's a circle, a cycle of life, and love. And I feel that with both, anything is possible.