I am sitting here in front of the screen with a million and ten thoughts traversing recklessly through my mind. I am wondering which of these will make it to the page, which of these will die in my heart. I have never publicly written anything in this manner; great thought and care goes into the things I choose to share with the world. So, as you read this, I ask you to forgive me for being so blunt, so honest, and for showing blatant and complete disregard for anyone's feelings and/or opinions. Forgive the ping pong effect of my writing as I am just putting it down as it comes out of me; without edits, without take backs. I learned a long time ago that what is said, once it comes out, can never be taken back. And, more importantly, I am learning right now, more than ever, that at the end of the day, I have to deal with me and no one else.
First, to answer the many emails and messages about why I haven't written much, let me say that I was holding back to avoid offending anyone, to avoid putting anyone in any particular situations, and to try to avoid anything I hated about my life completely. It's hard to write from the heart when there is so much weighing it down. The past few months have seen me at my ultimate worse ever. There were days when I thought I didn't belong in this world. Here I am serving my country, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my country and the people in it, and so many of them are ambivalent, ungrateful, spoiled and selfish. I watched as people lost their lives defending our country. We have been at war for almost 8 years. I know it's hard to believe but this September 11th will be the 8th year of this incessant battle. But who are we fighting? I am not even sure anymore. Moreover, why are we fighting? To protect innocent lives?
We need to be focusing on the wars at home. Teenagers having sex with adults, "sexting" from video game devices, children smoking smarties...THE CANDY! to get high, snorting kool-aid for a buzz, sneaking shots of alcohol but putting them up their noses for an immediate high. Let's not mention boyfriends constantly killing their girlfriends, husbands beating the hell out of their wives, women throwing their lives away in underground strip clubs and a whole fucking state considering making prostitution legal. Let's not talk about what I think about this. We have people killing each other over words written in a song. We have people going back and forth disrespecting the very essence of another because of something childish that one said about the other. Rhianna decides to speak out for abused women and then goes back to the bastard that beat her. Mariah and Eminem going back and forth about who slept with who? And the thing about it...all of this makes so much money. We allow this bullshit to happen.
What about quarterbacks that retire 15 times? Can we talk about football for a sec? Because it is a great analogy to the lack of loyalty and conviction that we are seeing around the world today. For everyone, it's about the money, the title, the fame, the fortune. All of these things are supposed to make them happy. Yet, these dumb asses go right back to their old neighborhoods that they so desperately tried to get out of, and kill each other. They want media attention, so they retire and then come and suck royally...again. Money isn't enough. We have no real role models for our children to follow. Those that make it, never return to lift others out. Those that get some status, return only to add to the problems. They are loyal to everyone but themselves. They have little values, little respect for themselves and others, and they certainly don't give a damn about the little boys and girls who are doing everything possible to emulate them.
Let's talk politics for a second. Barack Obama came into office and within the first 100 days people were 'disappointed' with the progress that he made. The fact that he made progress in the midst of such a mess is in and of itself a miracle. Do you know where the economy was? Really? Do you really know how messed up the schools were? While we are talking about schools, did you know that the Secretary of Education that Obama appointed was the first one ever to have a background in education? Does this speak about our previous priorities? Does this explain why No Child Left Behind left more children behind than any of its predecessors? Hmmm. Maybe schools in the nation's capital will get some books...maybe we can pay teachers enough to support themselves on their salaries. Has anyone out there ever lived in NYC, DC, LA? Do you think $35,000 is going to cut it? Nah...not without a second salary.
Then, there is the health care crisis. Let's face it, there is no solution that is going to make everyone happy. Most developed countries have some form of government subsidized health care. Think about this for a second: I have cancer. In the United States, one chemotherapy treatment cost $16,000. Most health care plans that you get from work have a cap of $250,000. So, let's just put it out there. 12 rounds of chemotherapy $192,000. Prescriptions (of which I had 13-14 per day at any given time) $1000/month. So in a given year: $12000. Operations to remove tumors and growths, tests, doctor's fees, specialists fees, radiation...before we even find the right solution, we've busted the cap. Now, it's out of pocket for us. So, government subsidized health care wouldn't be right for everyone necessarily, but it would allow me to do what I wanted to do for a living without starving to death. It is a common saying that the drugs aren't what makes chemotherapy patients thin and fragile, it's their inability to pay for the food they need to survive.
Then there are the deeper sentiments that have come into my mind over the last several months. As much as I have a love and respect for God, we just don't seem to be on the same page. I am praying now, to be able to repair the relationship I once had with him. I look to my faith to bring me through trying times, but in November, my faith was stolen. I felt like I'd died...alone. I went to church a couple of weeks later and heard the pastor say that God is with you always; that He never leaves your side; and that when you are going through tough times, that He holds your hand and leads you out... And all I could think was: was God holding my hands when they were raping me? Did he have my back when they were kicking me, when they were spitting on me, burning me with cigarette butts? Was he leading me through the darkness toward the woods where they ejaculated time and time on me, in me; taking turns on me? Where was He when I was screaming out His name? Was He holding my hand when they were stepping on them and kicking my side until I stopped fighting? Was He watching and delivering me while they were literally pulling my hair out, dragging me by my hair through the woods? My Father which art in heaven...would I have been able to watch my child go through that without reacting? Would I have allowed the military to revictimize me over and over again? To blame me for what happened that night? Would I have left such a void in my child's heart that she could not find enough love for herself to even look in the mirror some days?
How do you justify allowing someone to suffer? How is that grace and mercy? I know I may be offending some, but it has plagued my heart for months. Slowly I am working to repair my relationship, but it's hard to put my trust in Him to protect me and keep me. Really hard.
While we are on familial relationships... let me put something else out there . I am working hard to forgive everyone in my life that has done something to tear me down. I am trying to forget the images of my mother with the phone cord wrapped around her neck, or the can of coins hitting her in the head. I am trying to forget the cousins who molested, the neighbors who touched me inappropriately. And no, most of the world doesn't know about all of this. I am not looking for revenge. I am not looking for any kind of reparations or for them to be punished. I am only trying to find peace and closure. I am trying to close doors that, left open, inhibit me from being able to fully love myself. I am trying to find peace with it all.
If you know you wronged me, you betrayed my trust, you hurt my family, you hurt me, stop acting like you've always been there. Stop pretending that you 'supported' me and I have accomplished all that I have because of your encouragement. Stop taking credit for things you had nothing to do with. I am sure it doesn't help me to find forgiveness. What I don't understand is how you can think that because in your heart you feel that you have changed, become more of a man, given your life to Christ, or whatever it is you say, that it overrides the damage you've already done. That your life changes somehow ameliorates the pain and suffering you put me through. Just putting it out there.
I am who I am because of my life experiences. So, in some perverse way, sure you had something to do with it. The men in my life taught me what NOT to accept in a husband. The women in my life taught me how NOT to accept bullshit excuses as to why he hit you, or why you have to sleep with him whenever he wants to, or why marriage somehow means relinquishing control over your life and letting go of your dreams. There are women in my life that taught me to speak up for myself, to put these big feet to use when necessary and to not be afraid to speak my mind.
I am tired of people seeing me for what is on the outside. I am tired of being my rank, tired of being my accomplishments, my failures, other people's expectations. I am tired of trying to live up to other people's definitions of success, of a wife, of a sister, of a friend. I am tired of being happy when behind the smile are tears of frustration that I don't have permission to express. Fuck that. I will cry when I need to cry, laugh when I think something is funny, and express myself when I need to. I am on my time. I cannot fear man anymore...what else can he do to me? I've already been murdered twice. What more can you do? You've taken so much from me. You've trampled over me, beat me, raped me, scarred me, broken bones, destroyed everything you could, even my self-esteem. But I am here to let you and the rest of the world know... I am still standing. I'm stronger than you think, hell, I am stronger than I thought.
I work out twice a day for a couple of reasons: one, I think it is awesome that sizes 2,4,6 are always on the clearance rack...so I, in frugality and vanity, choose to stay that size...although cheese sticks and french fries call me like the snake in the apple tree. Two, I am getting physically stronger so that the next man (or woman) that feels they can take advantage of me has a lot more coming at them than they may expect. I am finding my inner gangsta... LOL... I will cut somebody if necessary.
I am not condoning violence. In fact, that's what breaks us down as a people. But, I am condoning taking care of yourself. Cuz, at the end of the day, no one has your back like you do. No one is going to be there every time. And, like I said before, at the end of the day, you have to deal with you. Someone wise let me in on that little secret. So, i am dealing with me. One day at a time.
