I realize that it has been well over a month since I last posted to this blog. A lot has happened between that day and this. God knows how to keep you close.
I am working very diligently to uncover some of my own inner elements, to define myself by my own perceptions of who I am, what I believe, and where I am going. It is much more difficult than I'd expected.
First, when Christa died, things changed drastically in my life. I had never felt such sadness and deep emptiness as I did when she died. Death is no new occurrence in my life, but this one was somehow different. This is not to say that I valued her life over those others who have gone before her, rather I saw my own life in hers. Maybe it was because she was just a baby herself; maybe it was that she had cancer; maybe it was the fight in her eyes, the fire in her spirit, the maturity of her soul; maybe it was her innocence and ability to trust; maybe it was her untouchable faith. Something within her connected with me and when she died, so did a part of me. Her death hit me hard; knocked the wind right out of me. It left me gasping for answers in the air, for purpose, for guidance. And, in spite of my family and friends' presence, I felt utterly alone.
One thing about Christa is that she had this amazing ability to love unconditionally and have faith in everyone. She truly believed that bad people are just good people who make bad choices. She put her trust in everyone. In a way, I envied that ability. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how difficult it is for me to trust, to love, to allow anyone to learn who
I am. I am working to develop my ability to not only trust others but also to trust myself.
Further, I have learned and relearned that there is a reason for everything, a time and place for everything under the sun. I have had to majorly step out on faith and just accept the cards I am being dealt. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that the mystery is ours though. He knows exactly what He's doing and where we are going. He just uncovers only enough for us to keep moving. Can you imagine the chaos of the world if we all knew what our futures held?
So, as I decide what my next steps will be, I turn to the One who knows what they should be. I ask for guidance and clarity. And I know He'll provide it.
