Sometimes when you least expect it, God sends you a care package. The contents of the care package are not always completely understood until you need them. How they will work for you in your life may sometimes remain unknown or appear as negative things. It takes a deep trust and unrelenting faith to be able to accept whatever comes in the care package.
All my life, I have been struggling to define and redefine myself on my own terms. I spent most of my life catering to the needs of other people, always thinking of them before myself. And many times, after spending all I had on them, I left very little or nothing at all for myself. Other times, I fell prey to people whose only interests were themselves and their physical needs and desires. I allowed them to play on my vulnerability, naivety, and later, my hopelessness and frustration.
So, for the last seven and a half years, I have worked diligently to become a better person, to think of others while not sacrificing myself, to reconcile the painful memories of my past, and to take productive measures to improve my future. More importantly, I have developed a much more profound and sincere understanding of my spirituality. I have begun to really assess my beliefs and to develop my spirituality.
I have always known and believed in God, but for several years of my life, I ignored Him. I turned my back to Him and refused to acknowledge His presence in my life or in the world around me. And while I had refused to accept Him, to acknowledge Him, to worship Him, to praise Him, as soon as I was in inescapable trouble, He was the first to be called. And, you know what? He came.
As I have grown, God has placed wonderful people in my path that continue to encourage personal growth. They grow with me, they encourage me, they help me, I help them, we learn together; and when this can no longer happen, our paths separate. They are like ‘angels on an internship’—in and out of your life after just a little while. Each one changing you somehow, making you better somehow, preparing you for what’s to come, for what lies ahead.
And now, as I sit here and reflect on all of the beautiful footprints that have been made next to mine, when I think of all of the positive changes that have come out of my relationships with all of the angel interns, I am amazed. I realize that I am very blessed.
There are times when the contents of these care packages don't seem so much like a blessing. There are times when the pain is more than you think you can bear. But, in the end, the true miracles and blessings, and deeper understanding of God's strength and mercy override the temporary discomfort. Just knowing that pain is temporary, that God can take you out of any situation, and that there are lessons in every situation help me to endure the situations. I have learned to thank God for the things I cannot see directly... for my storms, my doubts...not because I like hard times, but because without them, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the better times, nor would I know His power.
Saturday, December 15, 2007
Monday, November 12, 2007
Joy....
On a daily basis, I am asked whether or not I am ALWAYS this happy. And, all who know me usually respond for me (with eyes rolling) with a resounding YES!
It is said that misery loves company. Rarely, if ever, do we consider that happiness also loves company. People want to be happy. I find that we just don't share our happiness as quickly and as openly as we do our misery. So, everyday, I set out to share God's blessings with others.
I don't necessarily have to testify how God has blessed me to share my love for life. I have found that even small doses of laughter, smiles, sincerity, hugs, etc. go a long way. Sharing my joy comes in many forms. I laugh, I smile, I counsel others, I help whenever and how ever I can, and I do only what I can do with a happy heart.
Love of life means love of people. It means love of God. And it means love of self. So each day, I love my neighbors like I love myself. I treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. I try desperately to handle difficult situations in a way that would make God happy.
All of this translates to a life filled with passion, zest, joy, and power. To be blessed with a life that inspires, a life that empowers, a life that enhances, and a life that is dedicated to do good deeds,and glorify His name, is all I ask God for each day.
It is said that misery loves company. Rarely, if ever, do we consider that happiness also loves company. People want to be happy. I find that we just don't share our happiness as quickly and as openly as we do our misery. So, everyday, I set out to share God's blessings with others.
I don't necessarily have to testify how God has blessed me to share my love for life. I have found that even small doses of laughter, smiles, sincerity, hugs, etc. go a long way. Sharing my joy comes in many forms. I laugh, I smile, I counsel others, I help whenever and how ever I can, and I do only what I can do with a happy heart.
Love of life means love of people. It means love of God. And it means love of self. So each day, I love my neighbors like I love myself. I treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. I try desperately to handle difficult situations in a way that would make God happy.
All of this translates to a life filled with passion, zest, joy, and power. To be blessed with a life that inspires, a life that empowers, a life that enhances, and a life that is dedicated to do good deeds,and glorify His name, is all I ask God for each day.
Monday, October 01, 2007
I am in love...
While living in Korea, I fell in love.
I fell in love first with God. For the first time in my life, I was in forced solitude. Unable to speak Korean and communicate with others, I was blessed with the opportunity to explore the world around me and, more importantly, the world within me. I found a great church home and immediately felt my spirit blossoming like a spring flower. As our relationship develops deeper, more completely, God reveals to me parts of His divine plan, helping me to understand my place and purpose in life. Each day that I live strengthens the love I have for Him and His plan.
I fell in love with myself. I cannot recall a time when I appreciated myself. While I am still growing into the person I want to be, I realize that I am just who God needs me to be right now. My self perception has improved immensely. Aside from the physical changes, I have changed my attitude. I have learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and that every challenge, every perceived failure, every hardship, every loss has been to show me a victory, success, a blessing, and a gain. My new vision, that sees the beauty in the obstacles of life, has brought to me a new joy, comparable to no other.
My new found love for me helped me to fall in love with someone else. I met a man with whom I'd planned to spend the rest of my life. I thought of him as everything I'd ever want in a man. And, while we ultimately didn't work out, I learned a lot from him. I learned that there are men who know how to treat a woman. There are those who respect and value women, those who will be good role models for future generations. I also learned that there was even more that I required of him, because there is more that God requires of me. So, inspite the difficulty of the break up, the tears, and broken hearts, I succeeded. I learned valuable lessons and continued to develop my own expectations for the man who God sends me later.
Most importantly, I fell in love with life. I fell in love with MY life. In fact, every day, I fall in love with life all over again. I have even begun to love my past. I am understanding how my past has helped me to become my present, and how my present will help to tailor my future. I am recognizing the beauty in pain, the hope in suffering, the knowledge of defeat, and the excitement in the unknown. I appreciate the simple days, the sweetness of sincerity, the rush of love and adventure, the enlightenment of learning, the blessing of life itself. I see my life as a masterpiece of God. There are dark lines, shadows, light, brilliance, color, beauty. Without any element of the painting, the work would cease to exist as it is. I am realizing daily the need for the struggle, the need for pain, the need for heartache. For without it, how can we appreciate their opposites? How can we love others and appreciate their pasts, their lives, if we can't our own?
I fell in love first with God. For the first time in my life, I was in forced solitude. Unable to speak Korean and communicate with others, I was blessed with the opportunity to explore the world around me and, more importantly, the world within me. I found a great church home and immediately felt my spirit blossoming like a spring flower. As our relationship develops deeper, more completely, God reveals to me parts of His divine plan, helping me to understand my place and purpose in life. Each day that I live strengthens the love I have for Him and His plan.
I fell in love with myself. I cannot recall a time when I appreciated myself. While I am still growing into the person I want to be, I realize that I am just who God needs me to be right now. My self perception has improved immensely. Aside from the physical changes, I have changed my attitude. I have learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and that every challenge, every perceived failure, every hardship, every loss has been to show me a victory, success, a blessing, and a gain. My new vision, that sees the beauty in the obstacles of life, has brought to me a new joy, comparable to no other.
My new found love for me helped me to fall in love with someone else. I met a man with whom I'd planned to spend the rest of my life. I thought of him as everything I'd ever want in a man. And, while we ultimately didn't work out, I learned a lot from him. I learned that there are men who know how to treat a woman. There are those who respect and value women, those who will be good role models for future generations. I also learned that there was even more that I required of him, because there is more that God requires of me. So, inspite the difficulty of the break up, the tears, and broken hearts, I succeeded. I learned valuable lessons and continued to develop my own expectations for the man who God sends me later.
Most importantly, I fell in love with life. I fell in love with MY life. In fact, every day, I fall in love with life all over again. I have even begun to love my past. I am understanding how my past has helped me to become my present, and how my present will help to tailor my future. I am recognizing the beauty in pain, the hope in suffering, the knowledge of defeat, and the excitement in the unknown. I appreciate the simple days, the sweetness of sincerity, the rush of love and adventure, the enlightenment of learning, the blessing of life itself. I see my life as a masterpiece of God. There are dark lines, shadows, light, brilliance, color, beauty. Without any element of the painting, the work would cease to exist as it is. I am realizing daily the need for the struggle, the need for pain, the need for heartache. For without it, how can we appreciate their opposites? How can we love others and appreciate their pasts, their lives, if we can't our own?
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
God's Plan
"But Naaman went away angry and said, "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." 2 Kings 5:11 (NIV)
There are many people who walk around daily in a perpetual state of depression and disappointment. They are frustrated by their jobs, their family situations, their finances, their love lifes, etc.
Sometimes, we pray to God to help us through circumstances, to heal us of our ailments-both physical and mental. We ask for cures for our cancers, instant healing. We ask for our dream jobs to just pop into our spaces, for money to miraculously fall into our bank accounts, for bills to pay themselves, for our future husbands/wives to run into us in the market and fall madly in love immediately. However, God doesn't always work the way we want Him to. His plans and our plans are sometimes very different.
In my life there have been numerous times when, inspite my best planning, things just didn't work out the way I'd expected them to. It has always, without fail, worked out though. In the end, I had been blessed with more than I'd ever even asked for. The challenges and difficulties I faced along the way, turned out to be for my betterment. I learned to appreciate my blessings. More importantly, I learned that God doesn't always fix our problems when and how we'd like Him to, but He always makes things work out for the better for those who trust and believe in Him. If we take the lessons He sends to us, if we trust that His plan is greater than our own, then we can grow closer to Him, accessing more and more of His blessings with each step.
Saturday, September 01, 2007
God and Storms
God is the center of everything. There is no success, no failure, no breath that exists without Him. We thank God for the successes, we call Him when we are in the midst of storms, but we often fail to thank Him for the storm.
Storms are multifaceted, complex creations. If you ever sat back and reflected during a storm, you would be able to see so much of God's work at play. Each component of a storm is necessary for the circumstances that persist. For me, the analogy is perfect with the trials we encounter daily...some are showers, some are thunderstorms, others are hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis,earthquakes. Yet, inspite the seeming damage, the hurt, pain, devastation; there are other effects we often take for granted.
Think of the analogy a little more: the clouds that precede the storms are the small warnings that God sends. Sometimes, we pay attention to them (and prepare ourselves accordingly- we evacuate our homes, our relationships, our jobs, etc.) and have faith that God will carry us through the storm. Other times, we are so preoccupied with our own worlds that we don't hear Him. We forget to shut up and look up...and we are caught off guard. And, in these circumstances, the storms hit us hard...damage is much more extensive.
The rain, made of the water He made, cleanses our worlds. It sometimes rains so heavily that we have to stop what we are doing (ever been driving and couldn't see?) or it just sprinkles enough to clean our lenses...refocus our perspectives. If you look deeper, you can find the leaks in your umbrella with just a sprinkle (are you focusing too much on your man/woman? your job? your bank account?)
The thunder is God's way of speaking to us. He reminds us of His strength, of His power. The lightning is the light that guides His voice. The light that makes those of us who are deaf, SEE the beautiful strength and power of His creation.
The winds, blowing to cool us down, offer us fresh air to breathe. We are blessed with new ideas, new lives, new paths uncovered. Messages are carried in the wind...seeds are transported, life is replanted. When we resist the winds, instead of enjoying it, we stay where we are...and when that gets old; we have built walls around us so high we can't be blown away by any of the amazing miracles of God.
Embrace the storm...when you are damaged, no matter how severely, thank God for the chance to rebuild and make changes. Ask God to help mold you into the person He wants you to be. And when it is all over, enjoy the rainbow, and emerge with a smile, purified heart, and a down to earth attitude.
Recognize that storms happen for a variety of reasons:
1.) We have lost focus on Him and stopped following directions... we are then redirected.
2.) Our hearts, minds, souls are unclean, infested with temptation or evil thoughts, and He cleanses (sometimes scrubs) our hatred, jealousy, contempt, etc. away.
3.) To make sure that we always appreciate the green things we have been blessed with. To make sure that we see the beauty in the things He has created.
4.) To serve as testaments to His strength...and His mercy...remember Who brought you through that storm.
5.)To allow you to heal...we carry wounded hearts, we nurse our pains and aches, but we don't heal properly. He puts His ointment on it, takes away scars..and leaves some as a testimony, as evidence of what He can bring you through.
So, on a personal note, as I look through the storms in my past: Hurricane Rape, Hurricane Cancer, Tropical Storm Haters, Earthquakes of Death, etc., I thank God. A gem more valuable than a pearl and stronger than a diamond is being created. The beautiful delicacy of a butterfly is emerging...and in time, her wings will spread and His wind will carry her closer to Him.
Storms are multifaceted, complex creations. If you ever sat back and reflected during a storm, you would be able to see so much of God's work at play. Each component of a storm is necessary for the circumstances that persist. For me, the analogy is perfect with the trials we encounter daily...some are showers, some are thunderstorms, others are hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis,earthquakes. Yet, inspite the seeming damage, the hurt, pain, devastation; there are other effects we often take for granted.
Think of the analogy a little more: the clouds that precede the storms are the small warnings that God sends. Sometimes, we pay attention to them (and prepare ourselves accordingly- we evacuate our homes, our relationships, our jobs, etc.) and have faith that God will carry us through the storm. Other times, we are so preoccupied with our own worlds that we don't hear Him. We forget to shut up and look up...and we are caught off guard. And, in these circumstances, the storms hit us hard...damage is much more extensive.
The rain, made of the water He made, cleanses our worlds. It sometimes rains so heavily that we have to stop what we are doing (ever been driving and couldn't see?) or it just sprinkles enough to clean our lenses...refocus our perspectives. If you look deeper, you can find the leaks in your umbrella with just a sprinkle (are you focusing too much on your man/woman? your job? your bank account?)
The thunder is God's way of speaking to us. He reminds us of His strength, of His power. The lightning is the light that guides His voice. The light that makes those of us who are deaf, SEE the beautiful strength and power of His creation.
The winds, blowing to cool us down, offer us fresh air to breathe. We are blessed with new ideas, new lives, new paths uncovered. Messages are carried in the wind...seeds are transported, life is replanted. When we resist the winds, instead of enjoying it, we stay where we are...and when that gets old; we have built walls around us so high we can't be blown away by any of the amazing miracles of God.
Embrace the storm...when you are damaged, no matter how severely, thank God for the chance to rebuild and make changes. Ask God to help mold you into the person He wants you to be. And when it is all over, enjoy the rainbow, and emerge with a smile, purified heart, and a down to earth attitude.
Recognize that storms happen for a variety of reasons:
1.) We have lost focus on Him and stopped following directions... we are then redirected.
2.) Our hearts, minds, souls are unclean, infested with temptation or evil thoughts, and He cleanses (sometimes scrubs) our hatred, jealousy, contempt, etc. away.
3.) To make sure that we always appreciate the green things we have been blessed with. To make sure that we see the beauty in the things He has created.
4.) To serve as testaments to His strength...and His mercy...remember Who brought you through that storm.
5.)To allow you to heal...we carry wounded hearts, we nurse our pains and aches, but we don't heal properly. He puts His ointment on it, takes away scars..and leaves some as a testimony, as evidence of what He can bring you through.
So, on a personal note, as I look through the storms in my past: Hurricane Rape, Hurricane Cancer, Tropical Storm Haters, Earthquakes of Death, etc., I thank God. A gem more valuable than a pearl and stronger than a diamond is being created. The beautiful delicacy of a butterfly is emerging...and in time, her wings will spread and His wind will carry her closer to Him.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
Groupies....
I just finished reading this month's Essence magazine. I was intrigued by an article posted by Will Demps of the NY Giants. I was impressed by his willingness to expose a lifestyle in which many high profile individuals partake on a regular basis.
I've dated 'high-profile' men and found that women can be very trifling. I've sat at dinner while a woman came and asked my date to autograph her breast, right in front of me! I've seen how the women sneak up to the hotel rooms, how they find these men no matter where they go. They are sometimes so physically beautiful and damn near naked, and the men fall into the temptations of their flesh. Leaving us, the women at home, feeling inadequate and hurt.
Let me say, that I respect Will Demps so much more because he admitted to succumbing to his environmental pressures. But, more than that, he woke up from this lifestyle, at an early enough age, and decided that he'd rather find a serious relationship, instead of an empty set of women.
If I could write him a letter in response to his article, it would be one of encouragement; this is what I'd write:
Greetings Mr. Demps;
I know that you have received a million and four emails already in response to your article in Essence; please allow me to be one million and five. I am no groupie; I am not attempting to be or do anything except encourage you. (My favorite team is the Colts, anyway :) ) So, please, just hear me out.
You are a wonderfully handsome man; well spoken, intelligent, focused and driven. In this world, all of these attributes will get you far, but only so far. Too often, we succumb to the desires we think we have and sacrifice the blessing God wants us to have. I have done it as well- maybe not in the same ways you stated, but in equally damaging ways. But, I have been blessed with obstacles that have served to reshape the person that I am and my perspective on the world around me.
Without expounding too much on who I am, let me say that I almost completely understand where you are coming from in your article. I have had similar thoughts and I, too, want to be in a good healthy relationship with someone who respects me, trusts me, and loves me- and for whom I can willingly do the same. You are on the right track to finding her; she is out there…growing and developing to be ready for you She isn’t perfect either, but she will be perfect for you. You have to be open and willing to accept her and the responsibility that God gives you to love, cherish and honor her. She is growing right now into a person who can accept you and the similar responsibilities that God will give her for you. It is important for you to be with someone who will love you for you; not for your job, status, looks, etc. All this to say, be patient. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t assume that just because you’ve made mistakes in the past, that you don’t deserve the best. You do. If you are patient and faithful, there is no doubt in my mind that you will have that. We both will.
Stay focused on your game, on your personal growth and development, and most importantly, on God and what He wants you to do. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take small risks with your heart. This is the same advice I give myself every morning. :)
If you ever just need a person to talk to, to be your friend before anything, and to secretly root for your team (while screaming for the Colts in public), you got one. No strings or expectations attached. I am just a person who likes to encourage and help build up others. I am more than blessed; so sharing is my pleasure.
Sincerely,
Nicole
I've dated 'high-profile' men and found that women can be very trifling. I've sat at dinner while a woman came and asked my date to autograph her breast, right in front of me! I've seen how the women sneak up to the hotel rooms, how they find these men no matter where they go. They are sometimes so physically beautiful and damn near naked, and the men fall into the temptations of their flesh. Leaving us, the women at home, feeling inadequate and hurt.
Let me say, that I respect Will Demps so much more because he admitted to succumbing to his environmental pressures. But, more than that, he woke up from this lifestyle, at an early enough age, and decided that he'd rather find a serious relationship, instead of an empty set of women.
If I could write him a letter in response to his article, it would be one of encouragement; this is what I'd write:
Greetings Mr. Demps;
I know that you have received a million and four emails already in response to your article in Essence; please allow me to be one million and five. I am no groupie; I am not attempting to be or do anything except encourage you. (My favorite team is the Colts, anyway :) ) So, please, just hear me out.
You are a wonderfully handsome man; well spoken, intelligent, focused and driven. In this world, all of these attributes will get you far, but only so far. Too often, we succumb to the desires we think we have and sacrifice the blessing God wants us to have. I have done it as well- maybe not in the same ways you stated, but in equally damaging ways. But, I have been blessed with obstacles that have served to reshape the person that I am and my perspective on the world around me.
Without expounding too much on who I am, let me say that I almost completely understand where you are coming from in your article. I have had similar thoughts and I, too, want to be in a good healthy relationship with someone who respects me, trusts me, and loves me- and for whom I can willingly do the same. You are on the right track to finding her; she is out there…growing and developing to be ready for you She isn’t perfect either, but she will be perfect for you. You have to be open and willing to accept her and the responsibility that God gives you to love, cherish and honor her. She is growing right now into a person who can accept you and the similar responsibilities that God will give her for you. It is important for you to be with someone who will love you for you; not for your job, status, looks, etc. All this to say, be patient. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t assume that just because you’ve made mistakes in the past, that you don’t deserve the best. You do. If you are patient and faithful, there is no doubt in my mind that you will have that. We both will.
Stay focused on your game, on your personal growth and development, and most importantly, on God and what He wants you to do. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take small risks with your heart. This is the same advice I give myself every morning. :)
If you ever just need a person to talk to, to be your friend before anything, and to secretly root for your team (while screaming for the Colts in public), you got one. No strings or expectations attached. I am just a person who likes to encourage and help build up others. I am more than blessed; so sharing is my pleasure.
Sincerely,
Nicole
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
Trust
Trust. Hmmm, that's a funny concept to me. Sit back and think about all of the people you trust. Think about how much faith you put in the important people in your life. Think about it.
So often, we put faith in our parents, in our friends, in our family, in ourselves. We know that if anything ever happened that these people we depend on would be there for us. We know that they always have our best interests at heart. We know they will be there to lift us when we fall. We know they will pray with us, over us, for us. We know....
But, in spite of all of these things that we know, we find out about something called disappointment. We find ourselves disappointed because these people whom we trusted, failed us. They hurt us. They became jealous. They became fearful. They were too tired to help out. They forgot us. They forgot what friends and family were for. They stop loving us.
Yet, we still trust in them. Time and time again. We still depend on them, despite concrete evidence of the danger and risk of such. Let me tell you the importance of the Promise.
God promised us, each of us, that He will protect us, guide us, love us, forever. He promised that things will work out for those who love Him. He loves us in spite our flaws. We can't hurt Him so badly that He turns His back on us. He forgives us before we forgive ourselves. And, He is never too tired to be there for us.
People are infallible, God isn't. People are selfish, God is benevolent and generous. People can be hateful, God IS LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. People are afraid of the unknown, God is omniscient and omnipresent. In the end, the message is this, put your cares in His hands. Depend on Him for help, guidance, and love. If you need love, know the God will provide it. In His love, you will find love from others. The right love, the right guidance, the right path. Without Him, you will have to lean on your friends, and who is holding them up? When they fall, so will you fall. When they break, so will you break. Don't hide under the twigs of small trees, hide in His tabernacle, behind a rock of stone...and sing His praises. :)
So often, we put faith in our parents, in our friends, in our family, in ourselves. We know that if anything ever happened that these people we depend on would be there for us. We know that they always have our best interests at heart. We know they will be there to lift us when we fall. We know they will pray with us, over us, for us. We know....
But, in spite of all of these things that we know, we find out about something called disappointment. We find ourselves disappointed because these people whom we trusted, failed us. They hurt us. They became jealous. They became fearful. They were too tired to help out. They forgot us. They forgot what friends and family were for. They stop loving us.
Yet, we still trust in them. Time and time again. We still depend on them, despite concrete evidence of the danger and risk of such. Let me tell you the importance of the Promise.
God promised us, each of us, that He will protect us, guide us, love us, forever. He promised that things will work out for those who love Him. He loves us in spite our flaws. We can't hurt Him so badly that He turns His back on us. He forgives us before we forgive ourselves. And, He is never too tired to be there for us.
People are infallible, God isn't. People are selfish, God is benevolent and generous. People can be hateful, God IS LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. People are afraid of the unknown, God is omniscient and omnipresent. In the end, the message is this, put your cares in His hands. Depend on Him for help, guidance, and love. If you need love, know the God will provide it. In His love, you will find love from others. The right love, the right guidance, the right path. Without Him, you will have to lean on your friends, and who is holding them up? When they fall, so will you fall. When they break, so will you break. Don't hide under the twigs of small trees, hide in His tabernacle, behind a rock of stone...and sing His praises. :)
Tuesday, July 24, 2007
In this part of the journey....
In this part of my journey, when the world is blossoming and pure, I decided to do the same for myself. My heart, full of resentment and anger, bitter from the past, needed to be cleansed and rehabilitated. My mind needed to be nourished with knowledge and perspective. My soul was weak and dying and needed resuscitation. My body was aching and throbbing under the load I was carrying. My life needed healing. I was not growing, so I was dying.
I found Life again. I'd turned my back on Him. I'd questioned His methods, His will, His power. But, when I knocked on His door, I learned that He'd never closed it. He never turned His back on me. He never stopped loving me. And, as soon as I looked to Him, He rejuvenated me. He fed my mind and my soul. He healed my body. And, I was reborn. I was recreated and I have grown ever since.
Know that He is always with you. When you can't feel Him, He's there. When You don't see Him, He's there. He's just testing your faith. Trust Him, get to know Him, and lean on Him for all of your needs; He'll never disappoint you.
I found Life again. I'd turned my back on Him. I'd questioned His methods, His will, His power. But, when I knocked on His door, I learned that He'd never closed it. He never turned His back on me. He never stopped loving me. And, as soon as I looked to Him, He rejuvenated me. He fed my mind and my soul. He healed my body. And, I was reborn. I was recreated and I have grown ever since.
Know that He is always with you. When you can't feel Him, He's there. When You don't see Him, He's there. He's just testing your faith. Trust Him, get to know Him, and lean on Him for all of your needs; He'll never disappoint you.
Monday, July 16, 2007
Another stage
So, in the last few months, I have been really trying to become a better person. I have tried diligently to go into my own mind and access the lessons I've already learned. It's not been easy.
But, I have learned alot of small lessons that have really shaped my world. I'll share some with you:
1. When you stop looking for it, it will appear. This goes for everything, from keys to love.
2. God never fails. And, with Him, you can't either.
3. Just because it doesn't work the way YOU wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't work out the way it was SUPPOSED to.
4. Every obstacle makes you appreciate the smoother terrain. Sometimes, we encounter dips in the road; other times, we find bumps. Still, we also find straight road blocks, closed roads. When you need a new route, consult your GPS (God's Prayer and Scripture).
5. Love yourself as much as God loves you. You can never find true love if you don't love yourself.
6. Leave your past in the past. It's heavy. Sure, take a souvenir so that you can remember the lessons, but leave the baggage behind.
7. Smile. When they piss you off, smile. When they hurt you, smile. It is a powerful statement.
8. Never let anyone steal your joy. By letting them get to you, you empower them. Empower yourself and walk away. It's not being a coward, it's being brave enough to not care what they think.
9. If you have haters, then you are doing something right. Even Jesus had haters, remember?
10. Never go against your personal beliefs, no matter the temptation, no matter the person you are trying to impress. In the end, the emptiness is much harder to overcome than the temptation ever could have been.
But, I have learned alot of small lessons that have really shaped my world. I'll share some with you:
1. When you stop looking for it, it will appear. This goes for everything, from keys to love.
2. God never fails. And, with Him, you can't either.
3. Just because it doesn't work the way YOU wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't work out the way it was SUPPOSED to.
4. Every obstacle makes you appreciate the smoother terrain. Sometimes, we encounter dips in the road; other times, we find bumps. Still, we also find straight road blocks, closed roads. When you need a new route, consult your GPS (God's Prayer and Scripture).
5. Love yourself as much as God loves you. You can never find true love if you don't love yourself.
6. Leave your past in the past. It's heavy. Sure, take a souvenir so that you can remember the lessons, but leave the baggage behind.
7. Smile. When they piss you off, smile. When they hurt you, smile. It is a powerful statement.
8. Never let anyone steal your joy. By letting them get to you, you empower them. Empower yourself and walk away. It's not being a coward, it's being brave enough to not care what they think.
9. If you have haters, then you are doing something right. Even Jesus had haters, remember?
10. Never go against your personal beliefs, no matter the temptation, no matter the person you are trying to impress. In the end, the emptiness is much harder to overcome than the temptation ever could have been.
Monday, May 28, 2007
I Salute You
Do fallen soldiers wear their uniforms in heaven? Do they get to keep their purple hearts? Do they walk through the pearly gates, shouting 'Hoo rah' to Jesus? For those who have fallen, I salute you. For my brothers and sisters who are still serving, still fighting, I salute you.
I may not agree with the politics that prompted and perpetuate this war, but I do respect you for serving your country and honoring a mission. I personally thank you for the many sacrifices that you have made to ensure my own way of life. I know firsthand, the freedoms that you give up so that I may experience them. The curfews you abide by, so that I don't have to; the oath of loyalty that you take, so that I may make use of the 1st amendment; the distance from your loved ones, so that I may be with mine. Each day that you serve, each act of sacrifice, is not unnoticed. It is what you do everyday that keeps us safe. It is the fact that you believe, at least in your job, that keeps the world a better place.
I pray for all of you. I pray for those who have fallen, that their hearts be pure and their souls of God. I pray for those serving, that they too follow Christ, but also that they find peace, safety, serenity, and wisdom in their time. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for serving our world.
I may not agree with the politics that prompted and perpetuate this war, but I do respect you for serving your country and honoring a mission. I personally thank you for the many sacrifices that you have made to ensure my own way of life. I know firsthand, the freedoms that you give up so that I may experience them. The curfews you abide by, so that I don't have to; the oath of loyalty that you take, so that I may make use of the 1st amendment; the distance from your loved ones, so that I may be with mine. Each day that you serve, each act of sacrifice, is not unnoticed. It is what you do everyday that keeps us safe. It is the fact that you believe, at least in your job, that keeps the world a better place.
I pray for all of you. I pray for those who have fallen, that their hearts be pure and their souls of God. I pray for those serving, that they too follow Christ, but also that they find peace, safety, serenity, and wisdom in their time. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for serving our world.
Thursday, April 12, 2007
Cultural Differences: Only in Korea...*
You know you are in Korea when...
1. ...SPAM is a delicacy.
2. ...you get a SPAM gift basket at a holiday, and are elated!
3. ... you paid $80 for that said SPAM basket.
4. ... your children go to school until 11pm.
5. ... a nice haircut resembles the Sonic the Hedgehog style.
6. ... mini skirts without hoisery is acceptable in 20 degree weather.
7. ... traffic backs up for miles because someone got pulled over.
8. ... the bus driver gets off the bus to fight another driver (on the highway!)
9. ... the passengers of the said bus begin placing bets on who is going to win!
10. ... there is a coffee shop on EVERY corner.
11. ... you have to stop at EVERY mirror (or reflective material) on your way home.
12. ...a promise of saltine crackers will get kids to do anything.
13. ... bus stops are created because an ajuma (old lady) tells the bus driver to stop so she
doesn't have to walk.
14. ... every store sells identical clothing.
15. ... none of the English makes any sense.
16. ... parents bring their children to English academy wearing shirts that says 'F#%$ it B!
^(#$!!' and is not aware of the meaning.
17. ... a size 8 (in American sizes) is considered plus size.
18. ... there is no shoe store that sells shoes over an American 8.5 for women.
19. ... the buses are like coach buses in America. (The seats RECLINE ya'll!)
20. ... McDonald's JUST started selling hotcakes.
21. ... Outback steakhouse is the top of the line restaurant.
22. ... a fully furnished apartment has no furniture.
23. ... a luxury apartment has no oven.
24. ...the mafia can manage your apartment building.
25. ...braided hair is called 'reggae' (pronounced 'leggae')
26. ...pornography has zero nudity (just the concept I suppose).
27. ...people laugh more with the porn than anything.... (awh, ney, ney, ney) I'm cracking up!
28. ...there is no difference between breakfast food and dinner food. (Kimchi, anyone?)
29. ...all of your garbage has to be put in pink bags...just to be mixed in with all of the rest.
30. ... immigration can just violently accost you without identifying themselves and accuse you
of being an 'Illegal african immigrant.' (and they don't expect you to punch the hell out of
them either!!)
31. ... police officers don't carry guns.
32. ... NO ONE has guns.
33. ...the homicide rate is more than 20 times lower than the suicide rate.
34. ...you can do all of your clothes shopping in the metro station.
35. ... 90 year old grannies can text message faster than you.
More to come soon.
* Please note: This is not meant to be culturally insensitive. It's only meant to highlight some of the differences that exist between the US and Korea. JUST LAUGH!!
1. ...SPAM is a delicacy.
2. ...you get a SPAM gift basket at a holiday, and are elated!
3. ... you paid $80 for that said SPAM basket.
4. ... your children go to school until 11pm.
5. ... a nice haircut resembles the Sonic the Hedgehog style.
6. ... mini skirts without hoisery is acceptable in 20 degree weather.
7. ... traffic backs up for miles because someone got pulled over.
8. ... the bus driver gets off the bus to fight another driver (on the highway!)
9. ... the passengers of the said bus begin placing bets on who is going to win!
10. ... there is a coffee shop on EVERY corner.
11. ... you have to stop at EVERY mirror (or reflective material) on your way home.
12. ...a promise of saltine crackers will get kids to do anything.
13. ... bus stops are created because an ajuma (old lady) tells the bus driver to stop so she
doesn't have to walk.
14. ... every store sells identical clothing.
15. ... none of the English makes any sense.
16. ... parents bring their children to English academy wearing shirts that says 'F#%$ it B!
^(#$!!' and is not aware of the meaning.
17. ... a size 8 (in American sizes) is considered plus size.
18. ... there is no shoe store that sells shoes over an American 8.5 for women.
19. ... the buses are like coach buses in America. (The seats RECLINE ya'll!)
20. ... McDonald's JUST started selling hotcakes.
21. ... Outback steakhouse is the top of the line restaurant.
22. ... a fully furnished apartment has no furniture.
23. ... a luxury apartment has no oven.
24. ...the mafia can manage your apartment building.
25. ...braided hair is called 'reggae' (pronounced 'leggae')
26. ...pornography has zero nudity (just the concept I suppose).
27. ...people laugh more with the porn than anything.... (awh, ney, ney, ney) I'm cracking up!
28. ...there is no difference between breakfast food and dinner food. (Kimchi, anyone?)
29. ...all of your garbage has to be put in pink bags...just to be mixed in with all of the rest.
30. ... immigration can just violently accost you without identifying themselves and accuse you
of being an 'Illegal african immigrant.' (and they don't expect you to punch the hell out of
them either!!)
31. ... police officers don't carry guns.
32. ... NO ONE has guns.
33. ...the homicide rate is more than 20 times lower than the suicide rate.
34. ...you can do all of your clothes shopping in the metro station.
35. ... 90 year old grannies can text message faster than you.
More to come soon.
* Please note: This is not meant to be culturally insensitive. It's only meant to highlight some of the differences that exist between the US and Korea. JUST LAUGH!!
Monday, April 02, 2007
Things I am learning everyday:
1. God is amazing. I've always known it, but seeing it everyday is still awesome.
2. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I have to be content with who I am.
3. Everything I do, everything I experience (good or bad) is a blessing and an opportunity to
grow.
4. People come into your life for a reason and a season. We don't get to determine either of those
things. So just learn to go with the flow.
5. There is no room in the world for cowards. You have to be able to stand up for what's right
and know when to back down (bite down, lol -Caleshia).
6. Peace doesn't come from a political resolution... there is only one Grantor of Peace.
7. Sometimes, smiling when you think you can't proves that you can.
8. We are all created for His purpose. Sometimes, the things we want aren't the things we need.
And somethings we will get when the time is right.
9. There is a beginning AND an end to EVERYTHING under the sun... we don't get to determine
them either.
10. Fear is no reason to quit. When the future is unknown, don't fear it... enter it in faith.
2. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I have to be content with who I am.
3. Everything I do, everything I experience (good or bad) is a blessing and an opportunity to
grow.
4. People come into your life for a reason and a season. We don't get to determine either of those
things. So just learn to go with the flow.
5. There is no room in the world for cowards. You have to be able to stand up for what's right
and know when to back down (bite down, lol -Caleshia).
6. Peace doesn't come from a political resolution... there is only one Grantor of Peace.
7. Sometimes, smiling when you think you can't proves that you can.
8. We are all created for His purpose. Sometimes, the things we want aren't the things we need.
And somethings we will get when the time is right.
9. There is a beginning AND an end to EVERYTHING under the sun... we don't get to determine
them either.
10. Fear is no reason to quit. When the future is unknown, don't fear it... enter it in faith.
Wednesday, March 07, 2007
It's in the past;you can't change it now...Or can You?
The Prime Minister of Japan has decided to change history. Today, he declared that the sexual enslavement of Korean and Chinese women did not happen. Amazing how history changes.
Here's the article:
The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/world/asia/06japan.html?em&ex=1173330000&en=d13181bd37397406&ei=5087%0A
March 6, 2007
No Apology for Sex Slavery, Japan’s Prime Minister Says
By MARTIN FACKLERTOKYO, March 5 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said Monday that Japan would refuse to comply if the United States Congress demanded an apology for his nation’s use of foreign women as sexual slaves during World War II.Japan has already lobbied against a resolution, under consideration in the House of Representatives, that would call on Tokyo to take clearer responsibility for its enslavement of some 200,000 mostly Korean and Chinese women known euphemistically here as “comfort women.”
Japan has apologized before and issued a major report in 1993. But there are widespread concerns that Mr. Abe and other conservative Japanese lawmakers may try to water down or reverse such admissions of guilt as part of a broader push to revise their nation’s wartime history.Speaking in Parliament, Mr. Abe reiterated the position of conservative scholars here that Japanese officials and soldiers did not have a hand in forcing women into brothels, instead blaming any coercion on contractors used by Japan’s military.
Mr. Abe rejected testimony before a House committee by surviving victims, who said they had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers to serve in military brothels. He said “testimony to the effect that there had been a hunt for comfort women is a complete fabrication.”He also criticized the proposed House resolution, which blames Japanese authorities for the coercion, saying it “was not based in objective fact, and does not consider the Japanese government’s measures so far.”Political analysts said ignoring the House resolution, which is nonbinding, was not likely to drive a wedge between Tokyo and Washington, its most important ally.
The fear among Japanese diplomats is that Mr. Abe or other Japanese politicians will overreact and make claims that reinforce the perception in the United States and elsewhere that Japan remains unrepentant for its wartime aggression, analysts said.“It just looks bad for the prime minister to be getting involved in these sorts of historical details,” said Minoru Morita, a political analyst who runs an independent research institute in Tokyo. “Plus, his argument isn’t going to sway world opinion anyway. Even if the military wasn’t pointing guns at the women, they still could have been coerced.”Apparently in a nod to such concerns, Mr. Abe appeared to pull back from a comment last week denying that the women had been forced at all to work in brothels.
On Monday, he told Parliament he supported the 1993 government statement, which acknowledged that the military had at least an indirect role in forcing the women into sexual slavery.That government had also apologized to the women and set up a fund to pay them compensation, which is set to expire this month.“There probably was not anyone who followed that path because they wanted to follow it,” Mr. Abe said, speaking of the women’s entry into military brothels. “In the broad sense, there was coercion.”With that limited concession, Mr. Abe appeared to be trying to defuse a growing diplomatic row with Asian neighbors over last week’s denial, which outraged officials and women’s groups across the region.As opinion polls show his approval falling among Japanese voters, Mr. Abe can ill afford to be seen as provoking China and South Korea, much less undermining ties with the United States, political analysts and opposition lawmakers said.“If Japan doesn’t apologize and repent for its past violations of human rights, won’t it lose international trust?” a lawmaker from the opposition Democratic Party, Toshio Ogawa, asked Mr. Abe during Monday’s parliamentary debate.
Mr. Morita and others said that vowing to ignore the possible House resolution appeared to be an attempt by Mr. Abe to appease his conservative base even as he supported the 1993 statement.But Mr. Abe’s claims that Japan had no official role in its military brothels carried another potential public relations risk, they said: in making such denials, he was in effect dismissing as liars the aging women now coming forward with tearful testimony of their ordeals.One was Lee Yong-soo, 78, from South Korea, who testified in the House last month that she had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers at age 16 and raped repeatedly at an army brothel.
In a news conference last week in Tokyo, she said Japanese soldiers had dragged her from her home, covering her mouth so she could not call to her mother.“I want Japan and the Japanese prime minister to apologize,” she said. “As a victim who was forcibly taken, as someone who lived through those events, I’m a living witness.”
The problem here is a matter of social education. In an effort to increase patriotism, reduce violent crimes, and maintain an entire country that adheres to basic religious tenets, both countries have had to conceal past actions (and some hide current actions) to provide an example for their inhabitants to follow. American History cannot be taught as it really occurred because, in doing this, students would learn that in order to become a superpower, or ‘the best,’ it is acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, kill (and let be massacred), covet our neighbors’ possessions (oil, diamonds, ahem!), disrespect your roots (take a quick look at immigration, or on the basis by which the US was founded to clarify this), and to put your country before God (we can’t pray in school, but we can ‘pledge allegiance to a flag’), and so forth. Japan, likewise, has a history of deception and boundless massacres. And, they too have achieved great things for their actions.
Now, suddenly, the world cares? No. The great powers on Earth are afraid of losing in the race for late penalties for their actions. It’s not until a country gains major status, that they cover the trail of how they got there. Japan’s prime minister is no exception. George W. Bush is no exception. Tony Blair is no exception. And all the while, women are finding their ‘comfort’ status all over the world. Who is fighting for them? Who even acknowledges them? Everyday, tears fall on another woman who has been forced to satisfy someone else…our own country’s leadership takes advantage of women; what is happening in other countries, especially developing countries?
Here's the article:
The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/world/asia/06japan.html?em&ex=1173330000&en=d13181bd37397406&ei=5087%0A
March 6, 2007
No Apology for Sex Slavery, Japan’s Prime Minister Says
By MARTIN FACKLERTOKYO, March 5 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said Monday that Japan would refuse to comply if the United States Congress demanded an apology for his nation’s use of foreign women as sexual slaves during World War II.Japan has already lobbied against a resolution, under consideration in the House of Representatives, that would call on Tokyo to take clearer responsibility for its enslavement of some 200,000 mostly Korean and Chinese women known euphemistically here as “comfort women.”
Japan has apologized before and issued a major report in 1993. But there are widespread concerns that Mr. Abe and other conservative Japanese lawmakers may try to water down or reverse such admissions of guilt as part of a broader push to revise their nation’s wartime history.Speaking in Parliament, Mr. Abe reiterated the position of conservative scholars here that Japanese officials and soldiers did not have a hand in forcing women into brothels, instead blaming any coercion on contractors used by Japan’s military.
Mr. Abe rejected testimony before a House committee by surviving victims, who said they had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers to serve in military brothels. He said “testimony to the effect that there had been a hunt for comfort women is a complete fabrication.”He also criticized the proposed House resolution, which blames Japanese authorities for the coercion, saying it “was not based in objective fact, and does not consider the Japanese government’s measures so far.”Political analysts said ignoring the House resolution, which is nonbinding, was not likely to drive a wedge between Tokyo and Washington, its most important ally.
The fear among Japanese diplomats is that Mr. Abe or other Japanese politicians will overreact and make claims that reinforce the perception in the United States and elsewhere that Japan remains unrepentant for its wartime aggression, analysts said.“It just looks bad for the prime minister to be getting involved in these sorts of historical details,” said Minoru Morita, a political analyst who runs an independent research institute in Tokyo. “Plus, his argument isn’t going to sway world opinion anyway. Even if the military wasn’t pointing guns at the women, they still could have been coerced.”Apparently in a nod to such concerns, Mr. Abe appeared to pull back from a comment last week denying that the women had been forced at all to work in brothels.
On Monday, he told Parliament he supported the 1993 government statement, which acknowledged that the military had at least an indirect role in forcing the women into sexual slavery.That government had also apologized to the women and set up a fund to pay them compensation, which is set to expire this month.“There probably was not anyone who followed that path because they wanted to follow it,” Mr. Abe said, speaking of the women’s entry into military brothels. “In the broad sense, there was coercion.”With that limited concession, Mr. Abe appeared to be trying to defuse a growing diplomatic row with Asian neighbors over last week’s denial, which outraged officials and women’s groups across the region.As opinion polls show his approval falling among Japanese voters, Mr. Abe can ill afford to be seen as provoking China and South Korea, much less undermining ties with the United States, political analysts and opposition lawmakers said.“If Japan doesn’t apologize and repent for its past violations of human rights, won’t it lose international trust?” a lawmaker from the opposition Democratic Party, Toshio Ogawa, asked Mr. Abe during Monday’s parliamentary debate.
Mr. Morita and others said that vowing to ignore the possible House resolution appeared to be an attempt by Mr. Abe to appease his conservative base even as he supported the 1993 statement.But Mr. Abe’s claims that Japan had no official role in its military brothels carried another potential public relations risk, they said: in making such denials, he was in effect dismissing as liars the aging women now coming forward with tearful testimony of their ordeals.One was Lee Yong-soo, 78, from South Korea, who testified in the House last month that she had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers at age 16 and raped repeatedly at an army brothel.
In a news conference last week in Tokyo, she said Japanese soldiers had dragged her from her home, covering her mouth so she could not call to her mother.“I want Japan and the Japanese prime minister to apologize,” she said. “As a victim who was forcibly taken, as someone who lived through those events, I’m a living witness.”
History can be Changed...See?
Yes, this is a major issue here in Korea. Women are furious. Japan has a very unambiguous reputation of ‘revising’ their history. The books are modified to enhance Japan’s position by removing their own heinous crimes or elucidating and highlighting those of others. But, I must say this in response: The United States, who is seeking to ameliorate its current international political woes by bringing positive attention to their actions, is also guilty of the same heinous crimes. Moreover, they are guilty of altering and completely reconstructing history to improve their own images as well. They may not have called them ‘comfort women’ in our case… but most were called ‘colored women’… same difference.The problem here is a matter of social education. In an effort to increase patriotism, reduce violent crimes, and maintain an entire country that adheres to basic religious tenets, both countries have had to conceal past actions (and some hide current actions) to provide an example for their inhabitants to follow. American History cannot be taught as it really occurred because, in doing this, students would learn that in order to become a superpower, or ‘the best,’ it is acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, kill (and let be massacred), covet our neighbors’ possessions (oil, diamonds, ahem!), disrespect your roots (take a quick look at immigration, or on the basis by which the US was founded to clarify this), and to put your country before God (we can’t pray in school, but we can ‘pledge allegiance to a flag’), and so forth. Japan, likewise, has a history of deception and boundless massacres. And, they too have achieved great things for their actions.
Now, suddenly, the world cares? No. The great powers on Earth are afraid of losing in the race for late penalties for their actions. It’s not until a country gains major status, that they cover the trail of how they got there. Japan’s prime minister is no exception. George W. Bush is no exception. Tony Blair is no exception. And all the while, women are finding their ‘comfort’ status all over the world. Who is fighting for them? Who even acknowledges them? Everyday, tears fall on another woman who has been forced to satisfy someone else…our own country’s leadership takes advantage of women; what is happening in other countries, especially developing countries?
Friday, February 09, 2007
The Battle for Peace of Mind
We often describe vacilations between our hearts and our minds, but seldom do we really explore the incongruencies of our conscious and our subconscious selves. Within the same structure, the mind is often at war with itself-our daylight fights till dusk with our nights who then fight till dawn with day. Our dreams uncover many of the hidden mysteries of our subconscious. We see what we want to be or have, what we are afraid of the most, what we don't want to accept as part of our realities. When we have dreams, we declare them to be fantasies or unreal adaptations of the circumstances that are present in our conscious lives. As we awaken, we witness the battleground of the war of the minds...and frequently, as we struggle to remember the details of our dreams, we see our consciousness winning the war to supress the enemy.
Likewise, the struggle continues in the waking hours, when we feel that 'sixth sense' about something. The battle trudges along as we make decisions without thinking, take risks, and challenge th face value of the world around us. We say things like 'Deep down inside, I know..." or "I don't know why, but..." to introduce our subconscious. And when we go along with our gut feelings, our instincts, the victory goes to the subconscious.
And sometimes, you walk the line in a tie. And what does this have to do with anything?, you may be asking.
Several years ago, I was gang raped. I struggled on both levels to deal with the the pain and the physical and mental scars that were left afterwards. I focused my energies to physical recovery first, and intended to move on to the mental recovery. But, as life has it, I didn't really get the opportunity to really deal with things, as I was bombarded with more pressing issues, like fighting cancer, growing spiritually, and making a future for myself. Dealing with the past seemed unnecessary since I never thought I'd need to revisit it. I mean, why cry over spilled milk, right?
I graduated with honors from undergrad, suma cum laude from graduate school, and excelled in my chosen profession, teaching. I began to find unrelenting happiness. It was as if I were climbing a ladder, and the higher I climbed, the happier I felt. I have become so much more confident in myself, I've learned to love who I am, where I am from, and have grown so much spiritually. I decided to make my life what I wanted it to be. And this worked, at least while I was awake. I was often plagued with nightmares, but I was blessed with conscious amnesia. So, until last year, I ,essentially, was doing fine.
It is so easy to talk yourself into believing something to be true, even if it isn't completely accurate. The mind is strong, powerful, unbelievably deceptive at times, but simultaneously brutally honest. I'd convinced myself that I was over it. That I'd survived and moved on. I really believed it, too.
Then, in the market, I looked up to see one of my predators staring face to face with me. He was with his family. I froze. I couldn't move. I was so terrified. My dreams rushed to the front of my mind, the pain returned. I could almost smell him. I returned to that moment. Tears fell. I lost again. Defeat hurts.
I cried a little that night. Told myself to get over it, and seemingly moved on. Maybe it was my subconscious calling out, but shortly after, I moved to S. Korea. Coincidence? Probably not.
I took this opportunity to further my personal and spiritual growth. I did this for me. I have never been happier.
But one week ago, as I was waiting for the bus, I found myself again, staring straight into the face of another predator. This time, I didn't freeze so much. This time, he didn't completely recognize me. But my spirit was paralyzed. I wanted so much to just quit everything and leave. At the first signs of drama at home, I was getting ready to pack up and go home. Any excuse to get away. In an attempt to be honest with my boyfriend, I partially told him what was going on and how I felt. But, I almost gave in to the idea that I would not come to visit him, as he lives near to where I'd seen my past. I kept thinking, "DAMN IT!! I'm in SOUTH KOREA for God sakes!!!!!"
Here's where now, I just have to face the things my subconscious has been trying to resolve for years. So, I will make my declarations public, so that all the world knows how I can never be defeated like this again.
1. I was a victim of a horrible crime. I regret that my fear and compassion for others kept me from finding closure in reporting the crime to authorities.
2. I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM, I am now a VICTOR. I have excelled in all of my ventures, survived every blow life has dealt, and continue to THRIVE. I am unstoppable.
3. No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Not physical weapons, not mental weapons, not spiritual weapons. I am protected. I am saved and 'safe from all hurt, harm, danger, and evil.' (thanks mommy)
4. I am blessed with love, life, and happiness. These things cannot be destroyed. Love conquers all, life eternal is guaranteed, and happiness is guarded with everything I am. NO ONE will ever steal my joy again.
5. It is okay for me to remember my past. But I have to FORGIVE all the people who have ever tried to do harm to me. And from this moment, they are forgiven. From this moment, their actions have no control over me. I am free.
Now, a message to them:
To the twelve: I may have fallen once, but I got back up and that makes me stronger than you. You could not keep me down. So, in the end, I win. And please be advised, I am a child of God. You cannot hurt me anymore. The people in the world may never know what you did, but God knows. And, the penalty that you face is far worse than anything you could ever do to me. This war is over. You are hereby forced to surrender.
I win, game over.
Likewise, the struggle continues in the waking hours, when we feel that 'sixth sense' about something. The battle trudges along as we make decisions without thinking, take risks, and challenge th face value of the world around us. We say things like 'Deep down inside, I know..." or "I don't know why, but..." to introduce our subconscious. And when we go along with our gut feelings, our instincts, the victory goes to the subconscious.
And sometimes, you walk the line in a tie. And what does this have to do with anything?, you may be asking.
Several years ago, I was gang raped. I struggled on both levels to deal with the the pain and the physical and mental scars that were left afterwards. I focused my energies to physical recovery first, and intended to move on to the mental recovery. But, as life has it, I didn't really get the opportunity to really deal with things, as I was bombarded with more pressing issues, like fighting cancer, growing spiritually, and making a future for myself. Dealing with the past seemed unnecessary since I never thought I'd need to revisit it. I mean, why cry over spilled milk, right?
I graduated with honors from undergrad, suma cum laude from graduate school, and excelled in my chosen profession, teaching. I began to find unrelenting happiness. It was as if I were climbing a ladder, and the higher I climbed, the happier I felt. I have become so much more confident in myself, I've learned to love who I am, where I am from, and have grown so much spiritually. I decided to make my life what I wanted it to be. And this worked, at least while I was awake. I was often plagued with nightmares, but I was blessed with conscious amnesia. So, until last year, I ,essentially, was doing fine.
It is so easy to talk yourself into believing something to be true, even if it isn't completely accurate. The mind is strong, powerful, unbelievably deceptive at times, but simultaneously brutally honest. I'd convinced myself that I was over it. That I'd survived and moved on. I really believed it, too.
Then, in the market, I looked up to see one of my predators staring face to face with me. He was with his family. I froze. I couldn't move. I was so terrified. My dreams rushed to the front of my mind, the pain returned. I could almost smell him. I returned to that moment. Tears fell. I lost again. Defeat hurts.
I cried a little that night. Told myself to get over it, and seemingly moved on. Maybe it was my subconscious calling out, but shortly after, I moved to S. Korea. Coincidence? Probably not.
I took this opportunity to further my personal and spiritual growth. I did this for me. I have never been happier.
But one week ago, as I was waiting for the bus, I found myself again, staring straight into the face of another predator. This time, I didn't freeze so much. This time, he didn't completely recognize me. But my spirit was paralyzed. I wanted so much to just quit everything and leave. At the first signs of drama at home, I was getting ready to pack up and go home. Any excuse to get away. In an attempt to be honest with my boyfriend, I partially told him what was going on and how I felt. But, I almost gave in to the idea that I would not come to visit him, as he lives near to where I'd seen my past. I kept thinking, "DAMN IT!! I'm in SOUTH KOREA for God sakes!!!!!"
Here's where now, I just have to face the things my subconscious has been trying to resolve for years. So, I will make my declarations public, so that all the world knows how I can never be defeated like this again.
1. I was a victim of a horrible crime. I regret that my fear and compassion for others kept me from finding closure in reporting the crime to authorities.
2. I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM, I am now a VICTOR. I have excelled in all of my ventures, survived every blow life has dealt, and continue to THRIVE. I am unstoppable.
3. No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Not physical weapons, not mental weapons, not spiritual weapons. I am protected. I am saved and 'safe from all hurt, harm, danger, and evil.' (thanks mommy)
4. I am blessed with love, life, and happiness. These things cannot be destroyed. Love conquers all, life eternal is guaranteed, and happiness is guarded with everything I am. NO ONE will ever steal my joy again.
5. It is okay for me to remember my past. But I have to FORGIVE all the people who have ever tried to do harm to me. And from this moment, they are forgiven. From this moment, their actions have no control over me. I am free.
Now, a message to them:
To the twelve: I may have fallen once, but I got back up and that makes me stronger than you. You could not keep me down. So, in the end, I win. And please be advised, I am a child of God. You cannot hurt me anymore. The people in the world may never know what you did, but God knows. And, the penalty that you face is far worse than anything you could ever do to me. This war is over. You are hereby forced to surrender.
I win, game over.
Thursday, February 01, 2007
Winter Finishline!
Right now, as February is just starting, it is still difficult to imagine the blooms and colors that March and April will bring. Many of us are so boggled down by the various shades of grey that pervade our daily lives, that the ability to look into the rich beauty of the Spring eludes us. For most, it is too much to bring color into their lives today by borrowing it from tomorrow. We get so bogged down with the present moment we can’t even think about what’s happening this weekend, much less next month!
And, understandably so. This is where creativity, imagination, and positive thinking come into play. You see, we each have the propensity to endure long harsh winters because everyone of us possesses a unique visual capacity that resides behind our eyes. Our brain is capable of seeing what it wants to see and overlooking those things that it would prefer not to see. With this amazing feature, we are able to create our own color. All we have to do is alter the way we think about our vision.
For me, winter is a wonderful time of the year because I see images as a child would see a page of a coloring book. I can make the people in my life any color I want, I can add to what I see, black out those things I don’t need/want to see. But my advantage over the kid is far reaching: I don’t have to limit my imagination to the 8, 12, 24 or 96 colors in the box. I can mix and match in ways before impossible. And, with this vision, I can bring color into my life and spread a little color in the lives of others.
On a more physical note, I also engage in some winter survival activities to alleviate the inherent stress involved in snow storms, high cold, biting winds, ice, heavy coats, and shared grumpiness.
1. I add color to my own wardrobe. Many people fall into the pattern of wearing blacks, grays, dull browns, and dark blues exclusively. By bringing out the reds, yellows, and oranges, you share a sense of warmth. Blues, purples, and greens tend to bring out feelings of refreshing peace. You not only feel the affects within yourself, but against a backdrop of grays, whites, and blacks, you stand out and look beautiful in the process.
2. I wear makeup more often. In the winter, you can wear glittery stuff (eye shadows, lipsticks/glosses) more easily because of the representations of snow that glitter carries. It’s fun, it makes you feel good and you certainly look great. Wearing natural tones, and just enough makeup to highlight your features, let’s people see your natural beauty (our skin is usually much clearer in the winter than in the summer) and makes them focus on your jazzed up wardrobe.
3. I smile. I smile at EVERYONE, no matter how I feel when I leave in the morning. I smile anyway. I find that one thing in life that makes me smile and think about it all day. Smiling at others makes you feel better, and believe it or not, makes other people feel better. Many times, people will reflect what they experience…so smiling at someone might lead to someone smiling back!
Enjoy your February!
And, understandably so. This is where creativity, imagination, and positive thinking come into play. You see, we each have the propensity to endure long harsh winters because everyone of us possesses a unique visual capacity that resides behind our eyes. Our brain is capable of seeing what it wants to see and overlooking those things that it would prefer not to see. With this amazing feature, we are able to create our own color. All we have to do is alter the way we think about our vision.
For me, winter is a wonderful time of the year because I see images as a child would see a page of a coloring book. I can make the people in my life any color I want, I can add to what I see, black out those things I don’t need/want to see. But my advantage over the kid is far reaching: I don’t have to limit my imagination to the 8, 12, 24 or 96 colors in the box. I can mix and match in ways before impossible. And, with this vision, I can bring color into my life and spread a little color in the lives of others.
On a more physical note, I also engage in some winter survival activities to alleviate the inherent stress involved in snow storms, high cold, biting winds, ice, heavy coats, and shared grumpiness.
1. I add color to my own wardrobe. Many people fall into the pattern of wearing blacks, grays, dull browns, and dark blues exclusively. By bringing out the reds, yellows, and oranges, you share a sense of warmth. Blues, purples, and greens tend to bring out feelings of refreshing peace. You not only feel the affects within yourself, but against a backdrop of grays, whites, and blacks, you stand out and look beautiful in the process.
2. I wear makeup more often. In the winter, you can wear glittery stuff (eye shadows, lipsticks/glosses) more easily because of the representations of snow that glitter carries. It’s fun, it makes you feel good and you certainly look great. Wearing natural tones, and just enough makeup to highlight your features, let’s people see your natural beauty (our skin is usually much clearer in the winter than in the summer) and makes them focus on your jazzed up wardrobe.
3. I smile. I smile at EVERYONE, no matter how I feel when I leave in the morning. I smile anyway. I find that one thing in life that makes me smile and think about it all day. Smiling at others makes you feel better, and believe it or not, makes other people feel better. Many times, people will reflect what they experience…so smiling at someone might lead to someone smiling back!
Enjoy your February!
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Nicole in Korea: January Edition!
Greetings!
I hope this entry finds you all in great and wonderful spirits. I have been so busy lately, it’s been taking a bit of time to get back to some of the emails I’ve been receiving. I love to read them though, so keep ‘em coming!
Anyway, here’s my news update for the January Edition:
1. On Saturday night, we had an earthquake here. It was pretty exciting. I hadn’t realized they had earthquakes here in Korea. So, it was pretty unexpected! It wasn’t serious (4.4 on the Richter).
2. I am becoming a star…lol… I am in a commercial for my gym. I saw it last week for the first time…it was pretty fun. I am also going to be on television in a new commercial (for an Indian food restaurant) on the 31st!
3. I got a new digital camera so I will be taking more pictures... the ones I attached are just some from my weekend outings. J
4. I won a dance contest—not belly dancing, booty dancing. I must admit though that I had an unfair advantage over the other people…I have a butt (and hips). I annihilated them!!! I won $$ and free drinks… and since I don’t drink, I have a lot of new friends…lol…
5. I went skiing and didn’t break anything. I had a blast, mastered the 50 yard tumble…but nothing broke! It was great. I went snow tubing, snow boarding, and when we’d frozen beyond belief, we went for spa treatments! God, it’s nice to be able to have some 4 foot 2 man jump on your back and make your muscles relax!!
6. I have been working winter intensives so I have been at work from 8am until about 11pm. Lot’s of time at work…can’t wait for the check in a couple of weeks…whooo hooo!! Besides I LOVE my job!
7. I am still belly dancing and loving it. I will be headed to Japan in one month for another competition. I seem to be pretty good…maybe that was the key to my success…lol…
8. I posted some pretty silly New Year’s Celebration videos on my myspace page… you can check them out. I am just being silly (I promise no alcohol!) www.myspace.com/msdoriannicole (click on ‘view my videos’ under the profile picture)
9. My health is finally under control. I am in complete remission. I am not sure how, but that’s what the doctors have been telling me. God works in ways we haven’t even the capacity to understand.
10. I manage to feel at least 10% happier than I did the day before…it’s like: How happy can one person be? I smile so much my cheeks hurt at the end of the day!
Everything is just amazing. I can’t even list all of the wonderful things that are happening to me right now.
I can’t think of everything I am sure. All I do remember and thank God for everyday is this overwhelming peace of mind and real genuine happiness. When you get to a point in life where nothing and no one can steal your joy, you are really living. Everyday, my smile gets brighter and wider, my spirit soars higher, and my stomach aches because of the feast of laughter. I love life, and it seems to love me right back! I even wrote Oprah and told her about it. J
I have no idea when I am coming back... but you’ll know when I know. In the meantime… SMILE!! If you are up for sending care packages, I would like a couple of things from the states…just cuz:
1. Starburst (tropical fruit)
2. Vanilla Oreos (mmmm)
3. cheap walmart/target tshirts like to wear outside though…not undershirts.. (size M?)
That’s it I suppose. I have found almost everything else! See…what a wonderful world! I miss you guys… be good and send me updates about what’s happening in your lives. I want pictures!
Love Always,
Doriannicole
P.S. John, that little flannel and vest are getting their use!!! Whoo.. I am SOOOO glad to have them… it is so cold over here! Thanks again. :)
Thursday, January 11, 2007
New Year's Resolutions 101
At the start of every new year, people all over the world make resolutions to improve their lives in some way. They say they will lose the weight, they say they will eat healthier, they say they will go to church more, they say they will be more honest, they say they will do better work. They say a lot.
Here's why we quit before we get there:
1. People say what they are going to do but they never actually decide to do it. They make very superficial decisions...they don't claim the accomplishments they desire to achieve. For example, one may say "This year, I want to lose weight." But, while this is an admirable start, they haven't finished the process. You have to claim your goals. That statement should then be modified to say "By June, I will have lost 35 lbs." or "By March, I will fit into that pair of jeans." It's not enough to just want to do something. When you claim it, then all of your efforts go in that direction. Your mind begins to think of ways of accomplishing that goal, and ultimately, you achieve it.
2. People hold on to too much baggage to be able to accept anything else. So, they subconsciously make excuses. They say "I want to lose weight" and then follow that with "but I can't exercise because of my knee/back/etc." Instead, they should say, "I will lose weight, in spite of my bad knee" and maybe even follow it up with "and my knee/back/etc will feel better with the lighter load." We do the same things with other things, like relationships, for example.
3. Too often, we don't know WHY we want to do something. Keeping sight of your reasoning for doing something is a major motivating factor down the line when you feel yourself slipping. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to become a millionaire? No matter what the goal, you have to have a trigger, a reason for doing it.
4. People don't really believe they will be able to achieve their goals. It is not enough to think that you might be able to pull it off. You have to know that you can do it. You have to visualize yourself already having achieved the goal.
With these simple steps, you will accomplish whatever you set out to accomplish, whether you start January 1 or July 6. Good thoughts!
Here's why we quit before we get there:
1. People say what they are going to do but they never actually decide to do it. They make very superficial decisions...they don't claim the accomplishments they desire to achieve. For example, one may say "This year, I want to lose weight." But, while this is an admirable start, they haven't finished the process. You have to claim your goals. That statement should then be modified to say "By June, I will have lost 35 lbs." or "By March, I will fit into that pair of jeans." It's not enough to just want to do something. When you claim it, then all of your efforts go in that direction. Your mind begins to think of ways of accomplishing that goal, and ultimately, you achieve it.
2. People hold on to too much baggage to be able to accept anything else. So, they subconsciously make excuses. They say "I want to lose weight" and then follow that with "but I can't exercise because of my knee/back/etc." Instead, they should say, "I will lose weight, in spite of my bad knee" and maybe even follow it up with "and my knee/back/etc will feel better with the lighter load." We do the same things with other things, like relationships, for example.
3. Too often, we don't know WHY we want to do something. Keeping sight of your reasoning for doing something is a major motivating factor down the line when you feel yourself slipping. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to become a millionaire? No matter what the goal, you have to have a trigger, a reason for doing it.
4. People don't really believe they will be able to achieve their goals. It is not enough to think that you might be able to pull it off. You have to know that you can do it. You have to visualize yourself already having achieved the goal.
With these simple steps, you will accomplish whatever you set out to accomplish, whether you start January 1 or July 6. Good thoughts!
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