Crying behind a smile...

Exhaustion. Pure exhaustion.

Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.

Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.

In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.

I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.

I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.

I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.

Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.

Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.

In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.