Responsibility: Response + ability...we have the ability to choose our responses.
--Stephen Covey
Today served a unique purpose for me. I did a lot of reflecting and application exercises. I didn't really get more in depth with my reading, rather, I took some time to really ponder how the information I've gathered over the last few days can really help me. This journey is going to take far more than a three day sabbatical from human contact, but it has been very eye opening so far.
There are some things in life that will never change. I am okay with that. There are some things that will. I am okay with that. And then there are those things that I have the ability to change, but often lack the courage or wisdom to do so. I am often overwhelmed by such responsibilty that the action never takes place. Today stops all of that.
Tomorrow, I will reenter the world. But I am making myself some very serious promises. I am putting them out there because doing so provides a sense of accountability for my actions or lack thereof. So, starting now, I promise...
1. To find ways to love me first. Each day, I will find something about me or my life that I absolutely adore.
2. Not to be selfish, but to put myself as a priority. I need to recognize that I can't be much help to anyone
else if I am falling apart.
3. To continue on this journey, no matter what. I am committing to no less than 30 min a day for reflection
and meditation on things learned this week.
4. To seek professional guidance. To engage my therapist and my pastor in this process. Listening first.
5. To finish reading the books and working through the workbooks.
6. To do something productive with my experiences (help someone else, write, etc.)
7. To allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling when I am feeling it.
8. To become better at communicating and allowing others into my world.
9. To finish what I start. Period.
10. To live, laugh and love...myself, my family, my friends, my life.
I am still sorting through the baggage, but I am beginning to understand some of it. Which, in turn, will allow me to put it where it belongs.
Life is to short to be stuck in one place.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Monday, May 24, 2010
Spiritual Retreat: Day Two
A new golden rule could read: Do for yourself as you would do for others.
--Dena Rosenbloom, PhD
Today was particularly insightful because I didn't spend time assessing the experiences of my life, rather, I explored how I'd reacted to them. I stepped out of my own situation and looked back as if I were a friend of mine who wanted to give me advice. I realized that I am pretty good at encouraging others, loving others, and taking care of others, but I am horrible at taking care of me. What good will I be to the rest of the world if I am too tired, worn out, frustrated, angry to take care of myself? So today was about me.
I explored physical reactions, behavioral reactions, mental reactions and emotional reactions. I noted my inability to really relax in most environments. (Even at home, I sleep with my teeth clenched together). My shoulders are seldom relaxed, my body rarely stops moving. The headaches, the upset stomachs, the rashes that develop randomly on my legs or arms, chronic fatigue, and the lightheaded moments are all physical responses to my anxiety and stress.
Every experience changes you. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Many of my experiences, both good and bad, have changed the way I think about myself, how I perceive the world around me, and how people are in general. These negative experiences are no different. My hyper vigilance, difficulty concentrating and nightmares are all mental reactions to my past.
Behavioral reactions for me have included being withdrawn and isolated, avoidance of places or situations, and a change in my ability to connect intimately with others. Intimacy is not just a word used for couples, but with anyone you connect with and share my personal life with. My relationships have been affected dramatically, and the emotional consequences have been devastating.
Constantly being fearful, being sad, depressed, angry, numb, etc. takes a lot out of a person. And trying to protect others from your emotions makes me distance myself from them in other ways, lessening my ability to trust someone else.
These reactions are draining, miserable feelings. And, so I found ways to minimize how often I felt them. These are my coping strategies. Funny though, I'd never considered some of the things I do to be a mechanism for coping, rather, just personality traits.
I made a list of 'coping strategies,' both good and bad, that I use to get through things. As I'd identified before, my first strategy is to put it away for later. I just forget about it, focusing on something 'more important.' I have 6 degrees, not because I'm brilliant, but because I was in a lot of pain and school was a lot more pleasant. I control everything I can control (my work, my home, how things are organized, my weight, etc.) I clean all the time, reorganizing almost daily. I get lost in projects at home, building something, fixing something, making something, etc. And, when all of that is done, I use my 'accomplishments' as proof that my situation wasn't so bad after all. Then, I do everything I can to forget about it completely.
I have a definite pattern. I've employed this system of 'chaos resolution' for as long as I can remember. So today, after reading a few chapters in a book about relaxation after trauma, I tried some new techniques. I hadn't even realized my teeth were clenched, or that my shoulders were contracted. I didn't notice that I was bending my fingers back, etc. until I stopped. Until I actually lay in bed and assessed my body, part by part.
I did a relaxation exercise that lasted about an hour, allowing me to go through each part of my body and to relax each area deliberately.Then, I listened to music. I wrote poetry. I created new dreams. I made a dream catalogue...ever wondered what you could do with all of those story beginnings?
I began writing letters to the most important people in my life, both good and bad. I wrote to the members of my family that support me all the time, to the members that I need to learn to forgive, to the friends that have stuck by me, and to those who have hurt me. I wrote to each of the perpetrators separately, naming them, giving each one a face, a name...which surprisingly made them look human, not like monsters. A lot less scary, and a lot easier to overcome.
Finally, I took off every article of clothing and took pictures of every part of my body. I printed them out and put them together as best as I could on the floor. I went and documented every mark, every scar, everything I hated, AND everything I loved. I found that there is more about me that I like than things that I don't. I just harp on the things that I don't so often that I forget about the things that aren't so bad. That was a big lesson to learn for me, one that can and should be applied to other areas of my life.
Tomorrow, I will look at my reactions more in depth. I will try to find healthier alternatives. I will finish my letters. Some will be mailed, others won't. I am doing this for me.
--Dena Rosenbloom, PhD
Today was particularly insightful because I didn't spend time assessing the experiences of my life, rather, I explored how I'd reacted to them. I stepped out of my own situation and looked back as if I were a friend of mine who wanted to give me advice. I realized that I am pretty good at encouraging others, loving others, and taking care of others, but I am horrible at taking care of me. What good will I be to the rest of the world if I am too tired, worn out, frustrated, angry to take care of myself? So today was about me.
I explored physical reactions, behavioral reactions, mental reactions and emotional reactions. I noted my inability to really relax in most environments. (Even at home, I sleep with my teeth clenched together). My shoulders are seldom relaxed, my body rarely stops moving. The headaches, the upset stomachs, the rashes that develop randomly on my legs or arms, chronic fatigue, and the lightheaded moments are all physical responses to my anxiety and stress.
Every experience changes you. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Many of my experiences, both good and bad, have changed the way I think about myself, how I perceive the world around me, and how people are in general. These negative experiences are no different. My hyper vigilance, difficulty concentrating and nightmares are all mental reactions to my past.
Behavioral reactions for me have included being withdrawn and isolated, avoidance of places or situations, and a change in my ability to connect intimately with others. Intimacy is not just a word used for couples, but with anyone you connect with and share my personal life with. My relationships have been affected dramatically, and the emotional consequences have been devastating.
Constantly being fearful, being sad, depressed, angry, numb, etc. takes a lot out of a person. And trying to protect others from your emotions makes me distance myself from them in other ways, lessening my ability to trust someone else.
These reactions are draining, miserable feelings. And, so I found ways to minimize how often I felt them. These are my coping strategies. Funny though, I'd never considered some of the things I do to be a mechanism for coping, rather, just personality traits.
I made a list of 'coping strategies,' both good and bad, that I use to get through things. As I'd identified before, my first strategy is to put it away for later. I just forget about it, focusing on something 'more important.' I have 6 degrees, not because I'm brilliant, but because I was in a lot of pain and school was a lot more pleasant. I control everything I can control (my work, my home, how things are organized, my weight, etc.) I clean all the time, reorganizing almost daily. I get lost in projects at home, building something, fixing something, making something, etc. And, when all of that is done, I use my 'accomplishments' as proof that my situation wasn't so bad after all. Then, I do everything I can to forget about it completely.
I have a definite pattern. I've employed this system of 'chaos resolution' for as long as I can remember. So today, after reading a few chapters in a book about relaxation after trauma, I tried some new techniques. I hadn't even realized my teeth were clenched, or that my shoulders were contracted. I didn't notice that I was bending my fingers back, etc. until I stopped. Until I actually lay in bed and assessed my body, part by part.
I did a relaxation exercise that lasted about an hour, allowing me to go through each part of my body and to relax each area deliberately.Then, I listened to music. I wrote poetry. I created new dreams. I made a dream catalogue...ever wondered what you could do with all of those story beginnings?
I began writing letters to the most important people in my life, both good and bad. I wrote to the members of my family that support me all the time, to the members that I need to learn to forgive, to the friends that have stuck by me, and to those who have hurt me. I wrote to each of the perpetrators separately, naming them, giving each one a face, a name...which surprisingly made them look human, not like monsters. A lot less scary, and a lot easier to overcome.
Finally, I took off every article of clothing and took pictures of every part of my body. I printed them out and put them together as best as I could on the floor. I went and documented every mark, every scar, everything I hated, AND everything I loved. I found that there is more about me that I like than things that I don't. I just harp on the things that I don't so often that I forget about the things that aren't so bad. That was a big lesson to learn for me, one that can and should be applied to other areas of my life.
Tomorrow, I will look at my reactions more in depth. I will try to find healthier alternatives. I will finish my letters. Some will be mailed, others won't. I am doing this for me.
Sunday, May 23, 2010
Spiritual Retreat: Day One
What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
--- Shakespeare, Othello
Today's journey began with a moment of appreciation upon waking up. Instead of getting up and getting dressed right away, I laid in bed and thought of as many positives about my life as I could. I thanked God for them. I prayed that God would order my steps in this process and I promised to try to submit to His will and abandon my own.
I went to church today with a different attitude. I have only begun to go to church about a month ago after a hiatus of about a year and a half. I felt that I had lost faith. My world had been rocked and God had let it happen. I have been angry at Him since. So, I essentially abandoned Him when I needed him the most.
In my family, we have an 'inside joke' where we declare that Jesus is coming in a Hyundai. I have a Hyundai and I have extended that to include that He is going to talk to me through that GPS system. So, I've put it to the test. I choose the church service I am going to attend by selecting 'nearby churches' and seeing what pops up. Then I just randomly select a service to attend. So far, so good.
Today, however, was something unexpected. I went to a church service that was only 40 minutes long (and there were a lot of brown people--I didn't know brown people had church services under 2 hours!) Anyway, I digress. But the 40 minutes were important. The pastor's sermon was about Faith. He talked about how God tests our faith. Not because he doesn't know who we are, but because he wants us to know more about who we are...by passing these tests, we are made stronger in him. The pastor spoke of the story of Abraham and Issac. In summary, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son that had been born after great turmoil and strife, the only heir to Abraham. Abraham had been following God for 25 years. His faith was mature and strong, still, surely he had some reservations about what God was asking him to do. Yet, he acted immediately. He did as God told him to do, faithful that God would stop him from doing that, but that if he didn't, then it was for a reason. So, he took great care and took Issac to the place where he'd been told to go. He'd left his servants at the bottom of the mountain telling them to wait there for Isaac and him to return. (Declaration of Faith because he claimed God's mercy before going up there.) On the way up there and as he built the altar, Isaac asked where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice. Abraham replied that 'God will provide the animal for sacrifice.' Now, the passage doesn't talk about Isaac and how he must have been flipping the heck out (because I certainly would have been), but it does speak to the calmness of Abraham. Although he didn't agree, he trusted God enough to continue. Just as he was going to slay Isaac, an angel called to him to stop. He was told to take Isaac down. Just then, a ram, caught in some shrubs or something appeared. This was the offering that Abraham knew would come. In that, his faith had been tested, tried, and made stronger. He was being prepared for obstacles to come.
I thought about my own faith. And, I thought I'd matured it very well. I had been tested. I had overcome many obstacles. But, I hadn't finished the process. I hadn't dealt with the emotions, I hadn't given them to God, I just hid them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, when I was raped, again, I thought God had forsaken me. I was angry that he would allow something so horrific to happen to me when all I was trying to do is to live right by Him. I carried that anger and bitterness and it just intensified over the last year and a half. No matter how I look at it, God is in me. So if I hate God, I end up hating me. When I start doubting God, I start to doubt me. And if God doesn't love me enough to protect me, then how can anyone else? How can I justify loving me? I have spent the last year and a half feeling inadequate, unloved, empty, worthless. I am filled with shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and I have pushed away the people closest to me. I've isolated myself in an effort to 'protect them' from my drama. And so, while everyday is filled with people, I am completely alone.
I came home from church, broke my social fast to encourage my little sister, and returned to my solitude. I wish I had as much confidence as I portray to others. I wish I thought as highly of myself as my sister thinks of me. It was hard for me to admit how much I hated myself. I wasn't sure what it was that I hated either. I can't make a list of crap I hate, I just don't like it.I'd gone to Barnes and Noble's late last night to find some guidance in this process. I picked up 5 books.
I began to read a book called "Life After Trauma." I was emotional after the first few pages when I saw myself in every paragraph. So, per the advice of the book, I put it down and took a break from it. I went to the lake and read a book called "Learning to Love Yourself." This book was very enlightening. I began to understand why I feel how I do about myself. I spent time journaling about the events in my life that made me feel how I do. I realized that I generalized a lot of things into the confines of one or two incidents. I recognized that I am a workaholic perfectionist, who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and has not figured out how to forgive others. I learned that I am angry, not just sad or ashamed as I'd thought. I am really angry. But instead of addressing it, I allow it to simmer. I focus on achieving at work, at school, etc. But, like any addiction or short term remedy, your tolerance grows and you need more and more to feel the same way. So, now, it is not unlike me to work from 0730-2300hrs. It is not like me to leave things undone. But what's worse, is that I no longer gain satisfaction from completing a task or project, I just find other things that I need to get done. And the cycle continues.
The book has given me some strategies; one of which was to remove negative relationships out of my life. So, a lot of names got deleted from the phone. I sent out 'resignation emails' to people letting them know how I felt their relationship to me was caustic and that I am doing what I need to do to take care of me. And, I was, for the first time in a long time, brutally honest about my feelings, without real regard to those of the receiving party. It wasn't to be callous, but to say what I should have said a long time ago.
The book didn't cover all that I'd hoped it would, but it was great for realizing the degree of my situation. I didn't know until today that things were so far beyond bad. And, it gave me hope that with some effort, a lot of faith, I could recover...but that just as it took a long time to get this bad, it will take some time to find real and complete peace.
Tomorrow starts a new day.
--- Shakespeare, Othello
Today's journey began with a moment of appreciation upon waking up. Instead of getting up and getting dressed right away, I laid in bed and thought of as many positives about my life as I could. I thanked God for them. I prayed that God would order my steps in this process and I promised to try to submit to His will and abandon my own.
I went to church today with a different attitude. I have only begun to go to church about a month ago after a hiatus of about a year and a half. I felt that I had lost faith. My world had been rocked and God had let it happen. I have been angry at Him since. So, I essentially abandoned Him when I needed him the most.
In my family, we have an 'inside joke' where we declare that Jesus is coming in a Hyundai. I have a Hyundai and I have extended that to include that He is going to talk to me through that GPS system. So, I've put it to the test. I choose the church service I am going to attend by selecting 'nearby churches' and seeing what pops up. Then I just randomly select a service to attend. So far, so good.
Today, however, was something unexpected. I went to a church service that was only 40 minutes long (and there were a lot of brown people--I didn't know brown people had church services under 2 hours!) Anyway, I digress. But the 40 minutes were important. The pastor's sermon was about Faith. He talked about how God tests our faith. Not because he doesn't know who we are, but because he wants us to know more about who we are...by passing these tests, we are made stronger in him. The pastor spoke of the story of Abraham and Issac. In summary, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son that had been born after great turmoil and strife, the only heir to Abraham. Abraham had been following God for 25 years. His faith was mature and strong, still, surely he had some reservations about what God was asking him to do. Yet, he acted immediately. He did as God told him to do, faithful that God would stop him from doing that, but that if he didn't, then it was for a reason. So, he took great care and took Issac to the place where he'd been told to go. He'd left his servants at the bottom of the mountain telling them to wait there for Isaac and him to return. (Declaration of Faith because he claimed God's mercy before going up there.) On the way up there and as he built the altar, Isaac asked where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice. Abraham replied that 'God will provide the animal for sacrifice.' Now, the passage doesn't talk about Isaac and how he must have been flipping the heck out (because I certainly would have been), but it does speak to the calmness of Abraham. Although he didn't agree, he trusted God enough to continue. Just as he was going to slay Isaac, an angel called to him to stop. He was told to take Isaac down. Just then, a ram, caught in some shrubs or something appeared. This was the offering that Abraham knew would come. In that, his faith had been tested, tried, and made stronger. He was being prepared for obstacles to come.
I thought about my own faith. And, I thought I'd matured it very well. I had been tested. I had overcome many obstacles. But, I hadn't finished the process. I hadn't dealt with the emotions, I hadn't given them to God, I just hid them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, when I was raped, again, I thought God had forsaken me. I was angry that he would allow something so horrific to happen to me when all I was trying to do is to live right by Him. I carried that anger and bitterness and it just intensified over the last year and a half. No matter how I look at it, God is in me. So if I hate God, I end up hating me. When I start doubting God, I start to doubt me. And if God doesn't love me enough to protect me, then how can anyone else? How can I justify loving me? I have spent the last year and a half feeling inadequate, unloved, empty, worthless. I am filled with shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and I have pushed away the people closest to me. I've isolated myself in an effort to 'protect them' from my drama. And so, while everyday is filled with people, I am completely alone.
I came home from church, broke my social fast to encourage my little sister, and returned to my solitude. I wish I had as much confidence as I portray to others. I wish I thought as highly of myself as my sister thinks of me. It was hard for me to admit how much I hated myself. I wasn't sure what it was that I hated either. I can't make a list of crap I hate, I just don't like it.I'd gone to Barnes and Noble's late last night to find some guidance in this process. I picked up 5 books.
I began to read a book called "Life After Trauma." I was emotional after the first few pages when I saw myself in every paragraph. So, per the advice of the book, I put it down and took a break from it. I went to the lake and read a book called "Learning to Love Yourself." This book was very enlightening. I began to understand why I feel how I do about myself. I spent time journaling about the events in my life that made me feel how I do. I realized that I generalized a lot of things into the confines of one or two incidents. I recognized that I am a workaholic perfectionist, who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and has not figured out how to forgive others. I learned that I am angry, not just sad or ashamed as I'd thought. I am really angry. But instead of addressing it, I allow it to simmer. I focus on achieving at work, at school, etc. But, like any addiction or short term remedy, your tolerance grows and you need more and more to feel the same way. So, now, it is not unlike me to work from 0730-2300hrs. It is not like me to leave things undone. But what's worse, is that I no longer gain satisfaction from completing a task or project, I just find other things that I need to get done. And the cycle continues.
The book has given me some strategies; one of which was to remove negative relationships out of my life. So, a lot of names got deleted from the phone. I sent out 'resignation emails' to people letting them know how I felt their relationship to me was caustic and that I am doing what I need to do to take care of me. And, I was, for the first time in a long time, brutally honest about my feelings, without real regard to those of the receiving party. It wasn't to be callous, but to say what I should have said a long time ago.
The book didn't cover all that I'd hoped it would, but it was great for realizing the degree of my situation. I didn't know until today that things were so far beyond bad. And, it gave me hope that with some effort, a lot of faith, I could recover...but that just as it took a long time to get this bad, it will take some time to find real and complete peace.
Tomorrow starts a new day.
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Spiritual Retreat: Introduction
That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy...all of these are undoubtedly great virtues...But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yea the very fiend himself--that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved--what then?
--Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion:West and East
In my world, it is difficult for me to put myself in a position of priority. I spend most of my time and energy catering to the needs of others. I work long hours, I volunteer all the time,and I seldom take a moment to relax. My 'free time' is often cluttered with projects and tasks, I clean non-stop, etc. As much time as I spent decorating my house, I have not really stopped long enough to enjoy it. My television has been used primarily for guests (which are typically children I babysit).
In the chaos of this frenetic activity, I am able to ignore the internal struggles of my life. I am able to suppress my emotions, my feelings, and to be 'successful.' I am a hard-worker, always recognized for my outstanding performance at work and at school. I am 'all degreed up' and I seem to be doing well for myself. I volunteer just about every weekend. I don't drink (very seldom) and I go to the gym almost everyday. In this regard, I have no time to display any emotions. I just smile and portray an image that all is well, even when I know it isn't. For a few hours of the day, I even begin to believe that myself.
But, in the evenings, when I am home alone, the tears fall. In the shower, the tears fall. At night,when I can't sleep, the tears fall. When I wake up frantic from night terrors, the tears fall. When I wake up to see the bruises I've left on my own body in my sleep, the tears fall. But then, I wake up to a new opportunity to excel at what I do best, pretend that everything is okay.
I have always had issues here and there to deal with. But it was just recently, when confronted with yet another issue, that it dawned on me that my situation was far graver than I'd originally thought it to be. I hadn't realized how much I had suppressed until I could hold no more. I hadn't realized how much hurt and pain I carried around, how much emotional baggage I pulled along every day. After a while, I'd just stopped feeling things. I'd just say my usual 'whatever,' and ignore how it may have made me feel...and eventually it seemed to be forgotten. Until now.
I listened today, by chance, to a song by Alicia Keys on her Elements of Freedom album called "Pray for Forgiveness.' It shook me up unexpectedly. I began to cry so hard that I had to pull over and gather myself. It took me 20 minutes to regain my composure enough to drive home. I kept thinking, I am drowning in my own tears, and nobody notices. Even those who may have an idea of where I am, really have no understanding of the depth of my emotion. I understood that I needed real help, not from a therapist (I've been seeing one for almost a year and a half), but from the Maker of my emotions. I need to get back in conversation with God. I need to rebuild my faith. I need to accept my past for what it was, and accept the changes to me, therein. You cannot be the person you were before life happens to you, there will be some changes. How you handle the experiences, what you change, how you learn to cope with your situations dictate the level of success you can have in recovering.
I haven't recovered. From any of it. I thought I had, but I just hid it; even from myself. I told myself I was okay. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was okay. I felt like I was doing just fine in life, until 14 November 2008, when it just got turned upside down and all of my dirty laundry fell out for all to see...not just that situation, but the pain and hurt I'd endured and suffered in silence my whole life.
So, I am taking a spiritual retreat, beginning tomorrow. I will pray, meditate, and fast (social fasting). I will step away from the commotion in my life and be still. Only then can I hear the answers. I am chronicling this very personal experience, not because I want everyone to know my business, but because I know there is someone who will read this and understand all too well how I feel at this moment. There may be someone who is on the verge of giving up (I've been there a time or two) and needs a little encouragement to continue. If I suffer in silence, no one will know. No one will be able to grow as a result of my experience.
--Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion:West and East
In my world, it is difficult for me to put myself in a position of priority. I spend most of my time and energy catering to the needs of others. I work long hours, I volunteer all the time,and I seldom take a moment to relax. My 'free time' is often cluttered with projects and tasks, I clean non-stop, etc. As much time as I spent decorating my house, I have not really stopped long enough to enjoy it. My television has been used primarily for guests (which are typically children I babysit).
In the chaos of this frenetic activity, I am able to ignore the internal struggles of my life. I am able to suppress my emotions, my feelings, and to be 'successful.' I am a hard-worker, always recognized for my outstanding performance at work and at school. I am 'all degreed up' and I seem to be doing well for myself. I volunteer just about every weekend. I don't drink (very seldom) and I go to the gym almost everyday. In this regard, I have no time to display any emotions. I just smile and portray an image that all is well, even when I know it isn't. For a few hours of the day, I even begin to believe that myself.
But, in the evenings, when I am home alone, the tears fall. In the shower, the tears fall. At night,when I can't sleep, the tears fall. When I wake up frantic from night terrors, the tears fall. When I wake up to see the bruises I've left on my own body in my sleep, the tears fall. But then, I wake up to a new opportunity to excel at what I do best, pretend that everything is okay.
I have always had issues here and there to deal with. But it was just recently, when confronted with yet another issue, that it dawned on me that my situation was far graver than I'd originally thought it to be. I hadn't realized how much I had suppressed until I could hold no more. I hadn't realized how much hurt and pain I carried around, how much emotional baggage I pulled along every day. After a while, I'd just stopped feeling things. I'd just say my usual 'whatever,' and ignore how it may have made me feel...and eventually it seemed to be forgotten. Until now.
I listened today, by chance, to a song by Alicia Keys on her Elements of Freedom album called "Pray for Forgiveness.' It shook me up unexpectedly. I began to cry so hard that I had to pull over and gather myself. It took me 20 minutes to regain my composure enough to drive home. I kept thinking, I am drowning in my own tears, and nobody notices. Even those who may have an idea of where I am, really have no understanding of the depth of my emotion. I understood that I needed real help, not from a therapist (I've been seeing one for almost a year and a half), but from the Maker of my emotions. I need to get back in conversation with God. I need to rebuild my faith. I need to accept my past for what it was, and accept the changes to me, therein. You cannot be the person you were before life happens to you, there will be some changes. How you handle the experiences, what you change, how you learn to cope with your situations dictate the level of success you can have in recovering.
I haven't recovered. From any of it. I thought I had, but I just hid it; even from myself. I told myself I was okay. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was okay. I felt like I was doing just fine in life, until 14 November 2008, when it just got turned upside down and all of my dirty laundry fell out for all to see...not just that situation, but the pain and hurt I'd endured and suffered in silence my whole life.
So, I am taking a spiritual retreat, beginning tomorrow. I will pray, meditate, and fast (social fasting). I will step away from the commotion in my life and be still. Only then can I hear the answers. I am chronicling this very personal experience, not because I want everyone to know my business, but because I know there is someone who will read this and understand all too well how I feel at this moment. There may be someone who is on the verge of giving up (I've been there a time or two) and needs a little encouragement to continue. If I suffer in silence, no one will know. No one will be able to grow as a result of my experience.
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