Spiritual Retreat: Day Two

A new golden rule could read: Do for yourself as you would do for others.
                         --Dena Rosenbloom, PhD

Today was particularly insightful because I didn't spend time assessing the experiences of my life, rather, I explored how I'd reacted to them. I stepped out of my own situation and looked back as if I were a friend of mine who wanted to give me advice. I realized that I am pretty good at encouraging others, loving others, and taking care of others, but I am horrible at taking care of me.  What good will I be to the rest of the world if I am too tired, worn out, frustrated, angry to take care of myself? So today was about me.

I explored physical reactions, behavioral reactions, mental reactions and emotional reactions. I noted my inability to really relax in most environments. (Even at home, I sleep with my teeth clenched together). My shoulders are seldom relaxed, my body rarely stops moving. The headaches, the upset stomachs, the rashes that develop randomly on my legs or arms, chronic fatigue, and the lightheaded moments are all physical responses to my anxiety and stress.

Every experience changes you. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Many of my experiences, both good and bad, have changed the way I think about myself, how I perceive the world around me, and how people are in general. These negative experiences are no different. My hyper vigilance, difficulty concentrating and nightmares are all mental reactions to my past.

Behavioral reactions for me have included being withdrawn and isolated, avoidance of places or situations, and a change in my ability to connect intimately with others. Intimacy is not just a word used for couples, but with anyone you connect with and share my personal life with. My relationships have been affected dramatically, and the emotional consequences have been devastating.

Constantly being fearful, being sad, depressed, angry, numb, etc. takes a lot out of a person. And trying to protect others from your emotions makes me distance myself from them in other ways, lessening my ability to trust someone else.

These reactions are draining, miserable feelings. And, so I found ways to minimize how often I felt them. These are my coping strategies. Funny though, I'd never considered some of the things I do to be a mechanism for coping, rather, just personality traits.

I made a list of 'coping strategies,' both good and bad, that I use to get through things. As I'd identified before, my first strategy is to put it away for later. I just forget about it, focusing on something 'more important.' I have 6 degrees, not because I'm brilliant, but because I was in a lot of pain and school was a lot more pleasant. I control everything I can control (my work, my home, how things are organized, my weight, etc.) I clean all the time, reorganizing almost daily. I get lost in projects at home, building something, fixing something, making something, etc. And, when all of that is done, I use my 'accomplishments' as proof that my situation wasn't so bad after all. Then, I do everything I can to forget about it completely.

I have a definite pattern. I've employed this system of 'chaos resolution' for as long as I can remember. So today, after reading a few chapters in a book about relaxation after trauma, I tried some new techniques. I hadn't even realized my teeth were clenched, or that my shoulders were contracted. I didn't notice that I was bending my fingers back, etc. until I stopped. Until I actually lay in bed and assessed my body, part by part.

I did a relaxation exercise that lasted about an hour, allowing me to go through each part of my body and to relax each area deliberately.Then, I listened to music. I wrote poetry. I created new dreams. I made a dream catalogue...ever wondered what you could do with all of those story beginnings?

I began writing letters to the most important people in my life, both good and bad. I wrote to the members of my family that support me all the time, to the members that I need to learn to forgive, to the friends that have stuck by me, and to those who have hurt me. I wrote to each of the perpetrators separately, naming them, giving each one a face, a name...which surprisingly made them look human, not like monsters. A lot less scary, and a lot easier to overcome.

Finally, I took off every article of clothing and took pictures of every part of my body. I printed them out and put them together as best as I could on the floor. I went and documented every mark, every scar, everything I hated, AND everything I loved. I found that there is more about me that I like than things that I don't. I just harp on the things that I don't so often that I forget about the things that aren't so bad. That was a big lesson to learn for me, one that can and should be applied to other areas of my life.

Tomorrow, I will look at my reactions more in depth. I will try to find healthier alternatives. I will finish my letters. Some will be mailed, others won't. I am doing this for me.