Saturday, May 22, 2010

Spiritual Retreat: Introduction

That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy...all of these are undoubtedly great virtues...But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yea the very fiend himself--that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved--what then?
                   --Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion:West and East

In my world, it is difficult for me to put myself in a position of priority. I spend most of my time and energy catering to the needs of others. I work long hours, I volunteer all the time,and I seldom take a moment to relax. My 'free time' is often cluttered with projects and tasks, I clean non-stop, etc. As much time as I spent decorating my house, I have not really stopped long enough to enjoy it. My television has been used primarily for guests (which are typically children I babysit).

In the chaos of this frenetic activity, I am able to ignore the internal struggles of my life. I am able to suppress my emotions, my feelings, and to be 'successful.' I am a hard-worker, always recognized for my outstanding performance at work and at school. I am 'all degreed up' and I seem to be doing well for myself. I volunteer just about every weekend. I don't drink (very seldom) and I go to the gym almost everyday. In this regard, I have no time to display any emotions. I just smile and portray an image that all is well, even when I know it isn't. For a few hours of the day, I even begin to believe that myself.

But, in the evenings, when I am home alone, the tears fall. In the shower, the tears fall. At night,when I can't sleep, the tears fall. When I wake up frantic from night terrors, the tears fall. When I wake up to see the bruises I've left on my own body in my sleep, the tears fall. But then, I wake up to a new opportunity to excel at what I do best, pretend that everything is okay.

I have always had issues here and there to deal with. But it was just recently, when confronted with yet another issue, that it dawned on me that my situation was far graver than I'd originally thought it to be. I hadn't realized how much I had suppressed until I could hold no more. I hadn't realized how much hurt and pain I carried around, how much emotional baggage I pulled along every day. After a while, I'd just stopped feeling things. I'd just say my usual 'whatever,' and ignore how it may have made me feel...and eventually it seemed to be forgotten. Until now.

I listened today, by chance, to a song by Alicia Keys on her Elements of Freedom album called "Pray for Forgiveness.' It shook me up unexpectedly. I began to cry so hard that I had to pull over and gather myself. It took me 20 minutes to regain my composure enough to drive home. I kept thinking, I am drowning in my own tears, and nobody notices. Even those who may have an idea of where I am, really have no understanding of the depth of my emotion. I understood that I needed real help, not from a therapist (I've been seeing one for almost a year and a half), but from the Maker of my emotions. I need to get back in conversation with God.  I need to rebuild my faith. I need to accept my past for what it was, and accept the changes to me, therein. You cannot be the person you were before life happens to you, there will be some changes. How you handle the experiences, what you change, how you learn to cope with your situations dictate the level of success you can have in recovering.

I haven't recovered. From any of it. I thought I had, but I just hid it; even from myself. I told myself I was okay. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was okay. I felt like I was doing just fine in life, until 14 November 2008, when it just got turned upside down and all of my dirty laundry fell out for all to see...not just that situation, but the pain and hurt I'd endured and suffered in silence my whole life.

So, I am taking a spiritual retreat, beginning tomorrow. I will pray, meditate, and fast (social fasting). I will step away from the commotion in my life and be still. Only then can I hear the answers. I am chronicling this very personal experience, not because I want everyone to know my business, but because I know there is someone who will read this and understand all too well how I feel at this moment. There may be someone who is on the verge of giving up (I've been there a time or two) and needs a little encouragement to continue. If I suffer in silence, no one will know. No one will be able to grow as a result of my experience.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hhhh~