Spiritual Retreat: Day One

What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
     --- Shakespeare, Othello

Today's journey began with a moment of appreciation upon waking up. Instead of getting up and getting dressed right away, I laid in bed and thought of as many positives about my life as I could. I thanked God for them. I prayed that God would order my steps in this process and I promised to try to submit to His will and abandon my own.

I went to church today with a different attitude. I have only begun to go to church about a month ago after a hiatus of about a year and a half. I felt that I had lost faith. My world had been rocked and God had let it happen. I have been angry at Him since. So, I essentially abandoned Him when I needed him the most.

In my family, we have an 'inside joke' where we declare that Jesus is coming in a Hyundai. I have a Hyundai and I have extended that to include that He is going to talk to me through that GPS system. So, I've put it to the test. I choose the church service I am going to attend by selecting 'nearby churches' and seeing what pops up. Then I just randomly select a service to attend. So far, so good.

Today, however, was something unexpected. I went to a church service that was only 40 minutes long (and there were a lot of brown people--I didn't know brown people had church services under 2 hours!) Anyway, I digress. But the 40 minutes were important. The pastor's sermon was about Faith. He talked about how God tests our faith. Not because he doesn't know who we are, but because he wants us to know more about who we are...by passing these tests, we are made stronger in him. The pastor spoke of the story of Abraham and Issac. In summary, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son that had been born after great turmoil and strife, the only heir to Abraham. Abraham had been following God for 25 years. His faith was mature and strong, still, surely he had some reservations about what God was asking him to do. Yet, he acted immediately. He did as God told him to do, faithful that God would stop him from doing that, but that if he didn't, then it was for a reason. So, he took great care and took Issac to the place where he'd been told to go. He'd left his servants at the bottom of the mountain telling them to wait there for Isaac and him to return. (Declaration of Faith because he claimed God's mercy before going up there.) On the way up there and as he built the altar, Isaac asked where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice. Abraham replied that 'God will provide the animal for sacrifice.' Now, the passage doesn't talk about Isaac and how he must have been flipping the heck out (because I certainly would have been), but it does speak to the calmness of Abraham. Although he didn't agree, he trusted God enough to continue. Just as he was going to slay Isaac, an angel called to him to stop. He was told to take Isaac down. Just then, a ram, caught in some shrubs or something appeared. This was the offering that Abraham knew would come. In that, his faith had been tested, tried, and made stronger. He was being prepared for obstacles to come.

I thought about my own faith. And, I thought I'd matured it very well. I had been tested. I had overcome many obstacles. But, I hadn't finished the process. I hadn't dealt with the emotions, I hadn't given them to God, I just hid them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, when I was raped, again, I thought God had forsaken me. I was angry that he would allow something so horrific to happen to me when all I was trying to do is to live right by Him. I carried that anger and bitterness and it just intensified over the last year and a half. No matter how I look at it, God is in me. So if I hate God, I end up hating me. When I start doubting God, I start to doubt me. And if God doesn't love me enough to protect me, then how can anyone else? How can I justify loving me?  I have spent the last year and a half feeling inadequate, unloved, empty, worthless. I am filled with shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and I have pushed away the people closest to me. I've isolated myself in an effort to 'protect them' from my drama. And so, while everyday is filled with people, I am completely alone.

I came home from church, broke my social fast to encourage my little sister, and returned to my solitude. I wish I had as much confidence as I portray to others. I wish I thought as highly of myself as my sister thinks of me. It was hard for me to admit how much I hated myself. I wasn't sure what it was that I hated either. I can't make a list of crap I hate, I just don't like it.I'd gone to Barnes and Noble's late last night to find some guidance in this process. I picked up 5 books.

I began to read a book called "Life After Trauma." I was emotional after the first few pages when I saw myself in every paragraph. So, per the advice of the book, I put it down and took a break from it.  I went to the lake and read a book called "Learning to Love Yourself." This book was very enlightening. I began to understand why I feel how I do about myself. I spent time journaling about the events in my life that made me feel how I do. I realized that I generalized a lot of things into the confines of one or two incidents. I recognized that I am a workaholic perfectionist, who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and has not figured out how to forgive others. I learned that I am angry, not just sad or ashamed as I'd thought. I am really angry. But instead of addressing it, I allow it to simmer. I focus on achieving at work, at school, etc. But, like any addiction or short term remedy, your tolerance grows and you need more and more to feel the same way. So, now, it is not unlike me to work from 0730-2300hrs. It is not like me to leave things undone. But what's worse, is that I no longer gain satisfaction from completing a task or project, I just find other things that I need to get done. And the cycle continues.

The book has given me some strategies; one of which was to remove negative relationships out of my life. So, a lot of names got deleted from the phone. I sent out 'resignation emails' to people letting them know how I felt their relationship to me was caustic and that I am doing what I need to do to take care of me. And, I was, for the first time in a long time, brutally honest about my feelings, without real regard to those of the receiving party. It wasn't to be callous, but to say what I should have said a long time ago.

The book didn't cover all that I'd hoped it would, but it was great for realizing the degree of my situation. I didn't know until today that things were so far beyond bad. And, it gave me hope that with some effort, a lot of faith, I could recover...but that just as it took a long time to get this bad, it will take some time to find real and complete peace.

Tomorrow starts a new day.