A new phase of my life awaits me. A new beginning, a new chance, a new opportunity to be better than I am stands before me. The newness of everything superficially feels refreshing, exciting, and promising. Beneath the surface, though, fear, anxiety, and panic fill my body and mind. Worry overwhelms my senses, making sleep an impossible chore. So, I sit awake, here, writing to you.
The fear that crowds my thoughts every day and scripts my dreams each night is not a normal fear. It may or may not be rational, may or may not be understandable, but it is definitely powerful. Fear and happiness cannot coincide peacefully. This is to say that if someone is filled with fear, then they are void of happiness. Fear can only displace happiness; and happiness displaces fear. Happiness cannot exist without peace. I’ve figured out that without my fear, I could never have appreciated the joy. Without the darkness shadows, we can never recognize the light.
I fell in love with happiness; with peace. It loved me back, hard and good. There were times when I feared less, and loved life more. There were dark and desolate times when fear stole my joy completely. And just when I couldn’t live through the darkness, your light shone brilliantly. You brought so much peace into my world, and when I felt peace, I felt happiness. I felt the warmth of your rays on my soul. And yes, fear always exists outside of the confines of my room, but it is diminished so much by your presence. It’s hard for a shadow to maintain its integrity in the sunlight. And if the sun is before you, then shadows are forced to the rear.
As I write this, I listen to your breaths, watch your chest rise and fall. I feel the vibrations of your dreams resonating within me. Peace and happiness are alive, but not inside of me. Tears fall uncontrollably. My heart aches. My stomach tightens at the thought of leaving your side. All of the peace I’ve found becomes futile, inadequate; I don’t know how to own it, produce it, or find it. I only absorbed it, embraced it. I never made it.
I am trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts. I am remembering the laughs we shared, the long engrossed conversations we’ve had. I remember our duck talks and I laugh out loud. I remember your pen tattoos and I smile. I remember our expensive cab rides, our city explorations, our pillow fights, manicures, pedicures, spa trips. I think of roses.
I feel like a rose. A rose who was once part of a healthy bush, stolen from her home; I was thrown to the hard and lonely streets. Many people passed by, many people kicked me, stepped on me, stepped over me. But you didn’t. You saw I didn’t belong. You picked me up, clipped my stem, and fed me. You loved me and allowed me to be part of your space. You allowed me to bloom, to feel the sun’s rays, to develop and grow. And now, as our paths take us in opposite directions, I am thirsty for more. The more I thirst, the more I begin to wither. Slowly, I am fading. Already, I am fading. I pray for my survival.
I watch you and I look around the room. And I remember butterflies. I feel like a butterfly. Once caged within my own cocoon; afraid of all that exists outside. I tortured myself in my cocoon. I hated myself there. But, one day, I ventured out to get my mail; I noticed a small crack in the wall of my shell. I peeked through and saw and felt the glorious sunlight. It felt so good and warm and it embraced me. It loved me, unconditionally, just because. And, in its light, I played outside, I danced, I laughed, I smiled, I loved the sun right back. From the darkness of night and the storms I still hide, but I can still peek through the cracks. Now, my world begins to darken, my shell becomes more inviting. The cold dark outside appears dismal because the sun has gone away. My wings are brittle, my strength is fading. Already, I am fading. I need to subsist.
My heart beats for the sunny days. I will cherish forever the kisses of the sun. I vow to continue now, not because it will be easy, but because I have learned that it can’t rain all day, every day. I see that more now than ever before, because now I open the window; because now, because of you, I can peek outside. Wisdom spoke to me, saying that no one can ever hurt me any worse than they already have. I have control over whether or not they win. Resilience. Patience. Courage. Determination. Conviction. For me, it is the only way to ensure my survival.
I haven’t lost all of my optimism; I still want to change the world, to make a difference. Sometimes, in order to change the world, we have to first change ourselves. And sometimes, that change begins somewhere else. Sometimes, that change begins with a simple statement, a warm smile, and a surprisingly easy conversation. Something so simple, yet so powerful has come to change the way I see the world and how the world sees me, forever.
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