The pain of an eternal loneliness casts a dark shadow over my life. The scars left from this journey’s previous thorns are darkened and made deeper. At some moments, it is as if God himself has abandoned me. He promised never to leave or forsake me. He promised to bring comfort in times of need. He promised never to put more on me than I could bear. In the deepest core of my heart, I know this to be the truth. But now, I can’t reach that deep. Now my heart has stopped beating. My lungs have stopped breathing. I am dead.
The tears of suffering and frustration rush to my eyes creating a sudden and unstoppable waterfall. As the water cascades down my face, images of dreams play behind images of reality. I can’t make it stop. My body has been destroyed but not as severely as my heart and soul. The depth of suffering and pain on the inside far outweighs the same on the surface. I live now just to die later. While death is being postponed, life is through. What purpose could I have now?
My father turns in his eternal slumber at the idea that his name dies with me. The genetic traits passed on from his lineage end now. And why? Because I was chosen to be punished. I fear the worst is yet to come. Like a child with an abusive father, I try to decide what I have done to deserve this. I have to believe that this is what He wanted. That because of this happening now, something will blossom later. I have to believe that.
Just when I am getting ready to lose all hope and faith, there is a shift change at the hospital. My Doctor enters and with a single look, assures me. With a single word, He revives me. With a single touch, He begins to heal me. He gives me just enough to confirm my beliefs. Because I couldn’t reach any deeper, He extends His hand for me.
As I walk the journey of recovery, I fear nothing for I know I am not alone. I fear neither death nor life. I see that my life is but a small pixel in His plan; without me and my trials and tribulations, the picture cannot be completed. Every day, I now give thanks for the hurdles of my life because every time I have to jump over them, I am lifted closer to Him.
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