This week, I found myself in the Emergency Room twice. The first was scary enough, the latter, damn near took my life. I have spent the entire week in bed, in pain, in and out of sleep. I kept thinking that things happen because I speak my mind... LOL. I published my last blog and spoke about the anger and rage I felt toward God for letting me hurt so much. And, then, this week when my body was screaming with pain, the frustration just became deeper... why me?
So, how does it happen? How was I left alone to fight for my life? At church, they still tell me that God was there. Really? Was He? I am no longer asking my family, the pastors, my friends, the Bible. I am asking HIM:
Were You there...
...when they decided to take what didn't belong to them?
...when they beat me, spit on me, cursed at me?
...when they lied on me?
...when they tried to kill me?
...when they abandoned me?
...when they told me I wasn't going to make it?
...when they turned on me?
Were You...
...holding my hand while they raped me?
...carrying me when they threw me in a ditch?
...watching while they laughed and made fun of me?
...protecting me while they destroyed my dreams?
...with me when they killed my baby?
...there when they took my loved ones away?
...lying by my side when I woke up from nightmares?
Were you there...
...through all of the treatments, the needles, the pain?
...when migraines controlled my life?
...when my family doubted me and some turned their backs to me?
...when my body almost lost life..again?
The one thing I hadn't expected happened...He put me in such a place this week that not only would I call to Him, but the pain kept me still so I could hear him...
He responded; His voice spoke delicately yet with firm resolve. He said to me:
My child, you ask me whether or not I was there, yet here you stand. I was there, taking your pain, protecting you from the ultimate loss. I was there making sure that all that you endured was never more than you could bear. I was there, moving things, making sure that what you live through will ultimately build you and bring glory to my name. I heard you cry out my name, and I answered. I wiped away your tears. I am mending your broken spirit. Do you know, my child, the beauty of a broken spirit? It is similar to a broken bone. Once broken and healed, it is extraordinarily difficult to break it in the same place again. The mended bone is much stronger than the never before injured bone. Like a broken bone, it hurts and it takes time to heal.
There was never a moment of shame for you. You acted in my grace. You did what I asked you to do. You did what your heart told you to do. Do you remember how they treated Jesus? Do you remember how they beat him, lied on him, abandoned and tried to kill him? Do you remember how Jesus wept? He wept for you. He wept for the pain that you are feeling right now. But, while his body died, his spirit remained alive, indomitable.
The pain you feel now resides in your inability to focus. Focus on me, not that pain, and it will disappear. The more you give it, the more it will take from you. My commitment to you is unwavering, you are my child. No matter your perceived flaws, your mistakes, your emotions, you are mine and I made you exactly how I want and need you to be. You do my work everyday, humbling yourself, maintaining peace, and giving to others that which you barely yourself have. And even when they attempt to steal from your happiness, you radiate with joy. Your very presence literally lights a room. It is not because of your greatness, but because of mine that resides in you.
And, my child, you aren't faithless. If you were, you wouldn't be calling on me now. You couldn't be angry or disappointed. So while your faith and trust in me may be limited, it is there. And all I ask is that you have faith the size of a mustard seed...together we can move mountains.
Know that I love you...no one in this world can love you the way that I do...I understand that it will take time for you to know that in your mind. But, your heart is now and has always been mine. Your spirit may have once been weakened, but it has never died.
Your faith kept you from giving up. It is your faith that helps you pull it together each day. It's what keeps you doing what you started. It's why you still love and help others. Because you have faith in Me. You may never see how much stronger you are, you may never see past that moment in your life, but the darkness of the situation creates a beautiful contrast with what is store for you. I love you, my child.
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