Beyond Aesthetics...

True beauty lies far below the superficial limitations of our visual cues; deeper than our skin complexions, beyond our hairstyles, beneath the layers of fabric (and their brands) we wear.

True intelligence is more profound than titles, roles, degrees. It cannot be measured by the number of books one has read or written. It cannot be determined by shear verbosity, aptitude, testing ability, or naif expertise.

True love is incomparable to anything human. It moves beyond our emotions, our thoughts, our ideas of romance, our notions of family and relationships. It extends past the confines of our imagination, past ourselves. It erases color lines, national boundaries, gang territories, denominations, religious affiliations, and other divisive institutions.

True beauty is the ability to see God in everyone else. When you see beauty in others in spite of their attitudes, dispositions, moral decisions, beliefs, skin color, hair texture, clothing preferences, sexuality, religious affiliations, etc., you choose to see the beauty of God's imagination. You see His creation. The awareness of frivolity of all of the minuscule details we spend our lives 'preventing' or 'lifting' or 'tucking' or 'covering' leads us to see the bigger picture. We see that God created us all in his image. No man inferior to another, rather each man necessary for the survival of the rest. No man walketh a path of life alone. He encounters at least one life, and with just the encounter, changes it.

True intelligence is the understanding that humans will never know it all. We will research and discover and add to our relatively small perception of the world we live in. We will develop schemes to accomplish great tasks, we will turn to doctors for medical advice; lawyers for legal advice. And yes, we can live and make smart and wise decisions; but, we will not uncover genuine intelligence as long as we think we already know what it is. The intelligence we too often forget about comes in the form of gifts, talents that God has given each of us. We value some more than others, but we shouldn't. Without each of these talents the world could not exist as it does, we would not be able to do the jobs we have. Intelligence comes in knowing that there is so much more to understand that stems from a Source far greater than the next laboratory.

And true love. True love is unconditional. It is everlasting and always forgiving. And no matter how many people think they have found it, true love is actually foreign to our world; instead of forgiving, we go to war. True loves says that 'because God made you, I will sacrifice my all for you.' It doesn't ask for your appreciation, a certificate of excellence, or a return of the favor. Just recognition of God's love for you. Human beings cannot love in complete truth. We can love with sincerity. We want to love with everything we have, and we do...but we do not live in complete truth for we cannot live in something which we continuously seek.

In our search for the Truth, we have traveled into places near and far, into other galaxies, onto other planets. But until we take a collective look inside of each one of us we won't find it. Truth lives in us. God is Truth and He resides in all of his creations. The superfluous truth that we live each day is never enough to sustain us. We are constantly searching for more, a greater truth, and more in depth truth, the real truth.... But we are looking to aesthetics to guide us, our brains to figure it out, our hearts to push our emotions, but we don't get to the depths of our own souls. We don't know who we are at our very core.

In learning who God is, we can gain true intelligence. God knows all. No need for a LSAT or GRE to prove that. In learning who God is, we can learn to see the beauty of all of His creations. We can learn to appreciate our earth and all of its inhabitants. And In learning who God is, we can experience the Greatest Love ever to exist. We already have the tools we need. We just need to start digging.

This is you...

Your soul is an open wound, broken stitches, jagged edges. Wounded and repaired, wounded again. 'For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son....' and yet, he still left you? A soul struggling to hold on to its life. Clinging. . .

Your mind, filled with anger, bitterness, confusion, fear forms a brick wall surrounding your heart and soul. Because of what you know. More, though, because of what you don't know. Your mind searches for answers to questions you can't ask, he's not there to answer, or to which you just don't want to know the answers.

Your heart, though hardened by your life's losses, the disappointments, and the failures of love, is purified like a diamond in the midst of coal. Rare. Clear. Coveted. Valued. Flawless. Waiting to be rescued, waiting to love, waiting to signal your world that you are ready to take a chance. Waiting.

And your body; wanting, giving... makes love but fights wars, caresses yet defends, dancing to its own flavor of music, tasting-no, consuming life with exuberant passion.



This is you.



Moonlit nights, heated by your warmth replay themselves in my mind. Nights of passion, nights of trust... Indulgence.

The smell of your body, your cologne, your scent are refreshed every time I see you. I can remember what you smelled like, I can remember what you felt like...

The taste of your lips, almost as sweet as the words that emanate from them, cause my whole body to shudder with anticipation. Then, the feel of them on my neck, my chest, my breasts, my...

The feel of your strength, strong hands caressing my body, holding me steady, keeping me...guiding me. The strength of your body accepting mine, entering mine--giving me power.

This is you and me.

I cannot express what you do to me. I cannot tell you of my dreams, my fantasies. I cannot tell you that even without touching you, my thoughts betray my inhibitions. I cannot tell you of the ways my world changes for you, how your smile can renew my spirit. I cannot tell you of the place you made in my heart, that will be there even when we part. Ah, when we part...

Sadness, loneliness, heartache will come... I opened doors, moved walls and let you into places I probably will never let anyone again. We will go our separate ways and with me I will carry a precarious mixture of guilt, betrayal, love and lust... but I wouldn't change even one moment...

This is me.

The Key

I can no longer listen to the tintinnabulations of the shackles and chains of my past. I have spent most of my life living in regret, shame and hopelessness. I have already wasted so much of my short life in tears because of what people stole from me.

For years, I have struggled to go nowhere, just anywhere away from the pain of my childhood, the misery of my rape, and the heartaches and suffering of my illness. I have once written that I was not just raped; I was raped and murdered. It was a massacre. My children were murdered. My family was killed. And my hopes and dreams, bludgeoned, beaten, kicked, stabbed, and fatally wounded. I thought God had forsaken me when Dr. Anjins diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. I thought I'd been left to walk the sands of the beach with only one set of footprints.

In reality though, my tears, my lack of focus, my inability to see my life beyond my own set of circumstances, prevented me from being able to see the truth of it all. Because I didn't see it, I thought it wasn't there. I can almost laugh at that notion now. The immaturity of my relationship with God, my shakiness in my faith, my inconsistency in my walk, led me to believe something I knew wasn't true.

How is it that we know that God is real, yet find ways to undermine His presence in our lives? I kept thinking: If God were real and true, then He would never have let these things happen to me. I would ask over and over why God let these things happen to me. Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I do what I was supposed to do?

Funny, because while I have shared my testimony with hundreds of people, learned to pray and meditate again, and truly reestablished my connection with God, I never really understood how God sees me and my circumstances; what His intentions for my life are--until now. Here's where I now stand:

In each level of both my life and my conscious searching for God, He has never

failed to provide me the things for which I fervently asked. He is the provider of

everything my heart could desire and my mind could conjure. There is nothing in this

world, this universe, that He did not create.

Things happened to me, yes. God never intended for my body to be permanently

scarred. He never pushed me into trouble, or even led me down the wrong road. I walked

down a road, I lacked faith, I lacked the spiritual weapons I should have had, I lacked the

vision. I asked God to help me to be closer to my mother. I asked God to bring me together

with my family. I asked God to use me to help other people.

And that's just what He did.

Now, here I am, a creature with emotions and feelings. But, unlike before, I walk in faith. I just step out. I pray, I meditate, I ask God for answers and they come. When they do, I listen. I joined the Air Force because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I believe God heard that and has given me the opportunity to help other people reach their potential, to move past their obstacles, and come closer to him...without ever having done the job I came to the Air Force to do. The obstacles I have encountered just allowed me to find new routes, meet and encourage a new set of people, and share God's love in places I wouldn't have otherwise.

Moreover, God has led other people to me. I have attracted so many 'angels' that look out for me. There are people who come just when I need them the most, calls that come at just the right time, movies or books or speakers that say just what I need them to say, right when I need them to say it. God sends out others who have figured it out so that I can figure it out. My gratitude to have so many people, so much happiness come my way so often, is immeasurable.

The same holds true for all of the baggage to which I have been shackled and chained. God has blessed me with a new perspective. I have a different understanding of events in a person's life for which I have encouragement to share. I have been sent on another path because of those events of my past.

I don't believe you are what you experience, rather, you are the knowledge and the lessons you acquire from what you experience. Knowledge alone isn't power, the courage to apply the knowledge you have is powerful. The openness to reach to a higher source to find answers is powerful. To look within yourself and find that there is nothing you can't do, not because you are so great, but because God is in you, and HE is awesome beyond measure, is an awe inspiring moment. It is a moment so powerful, so overwhelming, that people seldom act on that new understanding.

I can no longer stand to hear the tinkles and chimes of the chains with which I am bound. God has no limitations, God is in me, therefore I have no limitations. Everything I am supposed to be, I am. In Him, I am perfect and true, beautiful in my own way. I don't have to be perfect by the world's standards. I am who I am, true to who I am, and thus perfect at being who God intended me to be.

The Power of the Challenge

I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in love. I believe that every soul on this planet has a purpose; that no one is here serendipitously. I believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper because I kept in His hands and no man is strong enough to defeat God's power.

I must admit that from time to time, I lose sight of this credence. I forget that I have a purpose and that I am exactly where I am because I am supposed to be at that precise moment. I forget that I have a purpose or that others have purposes in my life. I forget about the power of love...of God's love, of human love, and of self-love.

In my lifetime, I have faced a plethora of challenges. My faith has been tested and proven, time and time again. Each of these tests, some small and some huge, has worked to build the foundation of my faith. I have learned that you can claim to believe in something, you can claim to be faithful to something; but until that faith or belief is challenged, you cannot be sure of its validity and strength.

Nothing is considered factual without study. How do we know if a product works? We test it; with these tests we prove the validity of the claim that it works. Without these tests, the claims are just words without meaning. How do we know that a building is the tallest in the world? We measure it and compare its measurements with those of the rest of the world's buildings. The same holds true for our faith and beliefs.

Everyday, people say they love one another. New couples emerge and they say those three words. And they ask themselves, how do I know this is real? How do I know that he/she loves me? Am I sure that I love him/her? And then, that love is tested. And you know that its real because it endures. I am convinced that this is the reason that couples married for many years often say they love their spouse more today than they did when they got married. How many times has their love been tested in the span of the marriage? The more trials they endure, the stronger the love proves to be.

Every relationship we have works this way. The spiritual relationships, the human relationships, the relationship we have with ourselves, all work this way. To build on a relationship, one must endure tests and trials, to prevail in spite of storms that will certainly assay the strength of that bond.

So, through every test and challenge I experience, I learn to reexamine what I believe. My trials and challenges have proven that God exists, proven the power of prayer, the power of love, and that there is a purpose for everything under the sun... the greatest challenge is learning to let go and accept those purposes, accept love, and to learn to pray for more understanding.

What will I die for?

I once read a quote that said, "You can't know what you live for if you don't know what you'll die for." As I read that quote, a melange of ideas scattered my thoughts. Different themes danced around light heartedly as I, selfishly, thought about vanilla Oreo cookies and other supererogatory material goods. And then, as if God, Himself, were speaking to me, those thoughts suddenly vanished and an overpowering and inextricable set of emotions fell upon me.
In an instant, I thought about the firefighters who lost their lives in the 9/11 attacks. Those men and women who sacrificed themselves for the lives of others. They believed in those people they saved. They believed in the value of each life as the men and women of the trade towers were extracted from the building. They believed that each of those they saved had a purpose and would each make incalculable contributions to our nation. They believed this before the first plane ever took off from that airport. They believed in it the day they took their oath.
In my mind, examples of heroism began to deluge my mind, an irreversible cataclysm of faith. I realized that people do what they do everyday because they have faith in other people. I thought about Christa, my little seven-year-old hero, who with her precocious wisdom, brought me back to reality and, probably, ultimately saved my life. I thought about how much she believed in God's word and how she feared not anything this world could offer or take away. I thought about how, at seven years old, she knew that God had given her life and that in death, He would give her life anew. And she believed it so intently, that she was willing to die for it.
I thought about Jason, the Air Force medic who deployed with the Army six times to Iraq. I thought about how he never once complained when his tours were extended. How he worked through exhaustion, how he sacrificed his family to ensure that others kept their loved ones. I thought about his belief in that flag of 13 stripes and 50 stars, in that uniform and all that it represented, and in this nation, replete with imperfections yet still serving as a beacon of hope for millions around the world. I thought about the children not even born yet that he fought to protect. I thought about the families whose loved ones were kept alive by his heroism. I thought of the way he died in combat, with pride, honor and dignity. He died fighting for more than a victory, he died for what he believed in.
And now, I ask myself again what it is that I am willing to die for. I ask because knowing why I do what I do helps to keep me focused on the task. It helps me to understand that each day may not be easy, that no days may be easy, but that each day is worth it because whether with a hose, my words and prayers, or my m-16, I am a warrior. I am fighting for what I believe in. So today, with absolute certitude, I understand what I life for. I live for my family: my mother, my siblings, my nieces and nephews. I live for my neighborhoods: my students who fight everyday to survive the world. I live for my nation, replete with foibles at every level, but the only place I'd ever want to claim as my own. I live for my love of the human race. But most importantly. I live for God. Jesus died on the cross because He believed in me. What can I do to be worthy of that honor? I can never live to that standard.
As I was writing this, I thought of one more person: Wiline. Every email she has ever sent me summed up my entire understanding; everything I believe falls under the umbrella of the words written in the signature block of her messages to me:

For Christ I live, and for Christ I will die.

To You, Mrs. Middleton

When she was born back in 1988, I had already established my position in the family as the baby. And when she came home and garnered all of the attention of our family and friends, I was bitter and filled with resentment. But as I have grown up, I started to see her with different lenses.

When she was two years old, she watched THE LITTLE MERMAID no less than a thousand times (I'm not really exaggerating in that number). To this day, we quote the movie at every swimming event...and sometimes in completely dry situations. She demanded and drank so much apple juice that I now can barely tolerate the smell of Mott's Apple Juice. I, in my adult life, have NEVER bought apple juice for my household. Thank you, Briana. This is the little girl who screamed and danced in horror at the mere mention of 'ants' or 'ghosts'...she still does...(I'm mischievously smirking now as I type this.)

She was always a princess, beautiful, demanding, mean, and spoiled rotten. I have pictures of her pouting from day one. Smart, learning to spell with music (we should've known then)..."S-L-E-E-P-Y, Sleepy!" she would sing. Then it was her name, then more complicated stuff.... I remember Mommy used to spell EVERYTHING, and I remember the day Briana decided she knew how to spell McDonald's...my mom was stunned. We still tried to spell stuff, but the little slickster understood us anyway...

She knew how to cry and manipulate anyone into having her way. And, as bratty as she was sometimes, I learned early on how sweet and special she is. I hated that she copied everything I did, said, suffered through, wore...now, I see her affection and the flattery she intended in those days. I know how much she respects who we are and yearns to learn all that she can. Her goofy jokes, her sensitivities, her sweet hugs, her warm emails, her loud messages through someone else's phone calls; all serve to show just how special she really is.

I remember telling someone she was 13...and then realized she was 13 three or four years prior! I couldn't believe she was growing up so fast. And now, as I sit here and look at her, I see something completely new. I see this beautiful rose bush whose thorns and thick branches sometimes start trouble at home, but whose awesome delicate flowers overshadow everything else. The buds of her flowers still haven't opened all the way, but they are as bright and ready as any other of God's creations.

I still can't believe she is grown. I still can't believe she is married. I still can't believe how God has blessed us all by her very existence. The sibling rivalries, the trifling and petty arguments and my extreme aversion to apple juice, have all been necessary to all of us. We are who we are today because of them. But, the overwhelming pride I have in her, the unyielding and unconditional love I have for her, the deep respect I have for her and what she is accomplishing, and the great adoration I have for her as my sister are sentiments I am now sharing with her, voluntarily. (Let's not talk about sharing as siblings...lol)

I hope to one day soon follow in her footsteps down that aisle. I hope to be as confident, as beautiful, as ready, as open-minded and as in love as she is right now. Life is short. (Briana may be a little shorter...hey, I am still the big sister!) But, in the two decades we've shared on this planet, I have learned a lot from her. She makes me want to be a better example for her. She pushes me when I need a nudge here and there. She yells through the phone that she loves me, and counts and cherishes each minute I spend with her.
** ** ** ** **
Breezy, I love who you are, and I am excited about who you are becoming. Don't forget to pray and ask for guidance. And know, that for the rest of our lives, you can always count on me. I am proud of the young woman you are. Continue in your diligence, be as good of a wife as you have been a little sister. I love you little one!

Exactly Where I Am...

If there is nothing else that this past year has taught me, it has shown me innumerable times how God has a plan that trumps any plans I can make for myself. With this, there is no possibility that I can be in a place that I should not be.

I pray daily for God to order my steps. I pray for direction and purpose. God answers my prayers everytime. I just don't always like His answer. Sometimes, He allows me to move as I'd planned. However, as soon as my plans aren't aligned with His, He makes modifications.

So, now, I am still here in Texas, upset about not being able to leave and go on to do more training. But each day, I am learning alot about how my presence is needed here. I am able to have relationships that I would probably have never had if I hadn't stepped exactly how I did...if I weren't exactly where I am.

Faith is praying for it, and moving knowing that it will come to pass. Well, I pray for guidance, direction and purpose for each step. God, knowing all, responds and sets up my journey as I manuver my way through various obstacles. I know that the obstacles I face strengthen me and my faith and serve to guide me onto other paths.

So, instead of spending the remainder of my time, lamenting about all of the things I could be doing, or that I should be doing, I am going to take the time to thank God for allowing me to do the things that I find myself doing at that moment. I am going to pray that He continues to order my steps and that I find peace within my situation.

Love: How do you know it's real?

Real love doesn't come everyday. As a person who has just begun to find out what that even means, I am no expert in defining the constraints that permit us to categorize our feelings and emotions under such a title. In fact, I don't think real love is solely emotions or feelings. While those may be the more tangible facets of this phenomenon, it is becoming more clear to me that other aspects present themselves more conspicuously and much less confusingly.

In my own case, I have loved before. I have really felt for someone a kind of love that until now, I thought to be 'real love.' It was. In it's own way... I cared deeply for people. I still care deeply.
But this that I feel now goes further. Much further.

Now, I pray every night that God never let this person walk out of my life. I ask God to make me a better person and to prepare me to be for him what he needs me to be. I ask God to direct my path to follow His will and to help me to be the Christian woman this man deserves. I walk in faith. I cannot give up even when I think I can't take anymore. I walk...blindly into our future. I cannot make decisions without him. The two most important figures in my life are God and my man...even when it seems that neither is present.

I have tried to walk away...but my heart is threaded to his. I am in love with him. I am in love with Him. Both love me. Both speak to my heart. Both amaze me everyday. And I am blessed. One blessed me with the other. The other helps me to look to Him. It's a circle, a cycle of life, and love. And I feel that with both, anything is possible.

Care Package from God

Sometimes when you least expect it, God sends you a care package. The contents of the care package are not always completely understood until you need them. How they will work for you in your life may sometimes remain unknown or appear as negative things. It takes a deep trust and unrelenting faith to be able to accept whatever comes in the care package.

All my life, I have been struggling to define and redefine myself on my own terms. I spent most of my life catering to the needs of other people, always thinking of them before myself. And many times, after spending all I had on them, I left very little or nothing at all for myself. Other times, I fell prey to people whose only interests were themselves and their physical needs and desires. I allowed them to play on my vulnerability, naivety, and later, my hopelessness and frustration.

So, for the last seven and a half years, I have worked diligently to become a better person, to think of others while not sacrificing myself, to reconcile the painful memories of my past, and to take productive measures to improve my future. More importantly, I have developed a much more profound and sincere understanding of my spirituality. I have begun to really assess my beliefs and to develop my spirituality.

I have always known and believed in God, but for several years of my life, I ignored Him. I turned my back to Him and refused to acknowledge His presence in my life or in the world around me. And while I had refused to accept Him, to acknowledge Him, to worship Him, to praise Him, as soon as I was in inescapable trouble, He was the first to be called. And, you know what? He came.

As I have grown, God has placed wonderful people in my path that continue to encourage personal growth. They grow with me, they encourage me, they help me, I help them, we learn together; and when this can no longer happen, our paths separate. They are like ‘angels on an internship’—in and out of your life after just a little while. Each one changing you somehow, making you better somehow, preparing you for what’s to come, for what lies ahead.

And now, as I sit here and reflect on all of the beautiful footprints that have been made next to mine, when I think of all of the positive changes that have come out of my relationships with all of the angel interns, I am amazed. I realize that I am very blessed.

There are times when the contents of these care packages don't seem so much like a blessing. There are times when the pain is more than you think you can bear. But, in the end, the true miracles and blessings, and deeper understanding of God's strength and mercy override the temporary discomfort. Just knowing that pain is temporary, that God can take you out of any situation, and that there are lessons in every situation help me to endure the situations. I have learned to thank God for the things I cannot see directly... for my storms, my doubts...not because I like hard times, but because without them, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the better times, nor would I know His power.

Joy....

On a daily basis, I am asked whether or not I am ALWAYS this happy. And, all who know me usually respond for me (with eyes rolling) with a resounding YES!

It is said that misery loves company. Rarely, if ever, do we consider that happiness also loves company. People want to be happy. I find that we just don't share our happiness as quickly and as openly as we do our misery. So, everyday, I set out to share God's blessings with others.

I don't necessarily have to testify how God has blessed me to share my love for life. I have found that even small doses of laughter, smiles, sincerity, hugs, etc. go a long way. Sharing my joy comes in many forms. I laugh, I smile, I counsel others, I help whenever and how ever I can, and I do only what I can do with a happy heart.

Love of life means love of people. It means love of God. And it means love of self. So each day, I love my neighbors like I love myself. I treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. I try desperately to handle difficult situations in a way that would make God happy.

All of this translates to a life filled with passion, zest, joy, and power. To be blessed with a life that inspires, a life that empowers, a life that enhances, and a life that is dedicated to do good deeds,and glorify His name, is all I ask God for each day.

I am in love...

While living in Korea, I fell in love.

I fell in love first with God. For the first time in my life, I was in forced solitude. Unable to speak Korean and communicate with others, I was blessed with the opportunity to explore the world around me and, more importantly, the world within me. I found a great church home and immediately felt my spirit blossoming like a spring flower. As our relationship develops deeper, more completely, God reveals to me parts of His divine plan, helping me to understand my place and purpose in life. Each day that I live strengthens the love I have for Him and His plan.

I fell in love with myself. I cannot recall a time when I appreciated myself. While I am still growing into the person I want to be, I realize that I am just who God needs me to be right now. My self perception has improved immensely. Aside from the physical changes, I have changed my attitude. I have learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and that every challenge, every perceived failure, every hardship, every loss has been to show me a victory, success, a blessing, and a gain. My new vision, that sees the beauty in the obstacles of life, has brought to me a new joy, comparable to no other.

My new found love for me helped me to fall in love with someone else. I met a man with whom I'd planned to spend the rest of my life. I thought of him as everything I'd ever want in a man. And, while we ultimately didn't work out, I learned a lot from him. I learned that there are men who know how to treat a woman. There are those who respect and value women, those who will be good role models for future generations. I also learned that there was even more that I required of him, because there is more that God requires of me. So, inspite the difficulty of the break up, the tears, and broken hearts, I succeeded. I learned valuable lessons and continued to develop my own expectations for the man who God sends me later.

Most importantly, I fell in love with life. I fell in love with MY life. In fact, every day, I fall in love with life all over again. I have even begun to love my past. I am understanding how my past has helped me to become my present, and how my present will help to tailor my future. I am recognizing the beauty in pain, the hope in suffering, the knowledge of defeat, and the excitement in the unknown. I appreciate the simple days, the sweetness of sincerity, the rush of love and adventure, the enlightenment of learning, the blessing of life itself. I see my life as a masterpiece of God. There are dark lines, shadows, light, brilliance, color, beauty. Without any element of the painting, the work would cease to exist as it is. I am realizing daily the need for the struggle, the need for pain, the need for heartache. For without it, how can we appreciate their opposites? How can we love others and appreciate their pasts, their lives, if we can't our own?

God's Plan

"But Naaman went away angry and said, "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." 2 Kings 5:11 (NIV)

There are many people who walk around daily in a perpetual state of depression and disappointment. They are frustrated by their jobs, their family situations, their finances, their love lifes, etc.

Sometimes, we pray to God to help us through circumstances, to heal us of our ailments-both physical and mental. We ask for cures for our cancers, instant healing. We ask for our dream jobs to just pop into our spaces, for money to miraculously fall into our bank accounts, for bills to pay themselves, for our future husbands/wives to run into us in the market and fall madly in love immediately. However, God doesn't always work the way we want Him to. His plans and our plans are sometimes very different.

In my life there have been numerous times when, inspite my best planning, things just didn't work out the way I'd expected them to. It has always, without fail, worked out though. In the end, I had been blessed with more than I'd ever even asked for. The challenges and difficulties I faced along the way, turned out to be for my betterment. I learned to appreciate my blessings. More importantly, I learned that God doesn't always fix our problems when and how we'd like Him to, but He always makes things work out for the better for those who trust and believe in Him. If we take the lessons He sends to us, if we trust that His plan is greater than our own, then we can grow closer to Him, accessing more and more of His blessings with each step.

God and Storms

God is the center of everything. There is no success, no failure, no breath that exists without Him. We thank God for the successes, we call Him when we are in the midst of storms, but we often fail to thank Him for the storm.
Storms are multifaceted, complex creations. If you ever sat back and reflected during a storm, you would be able to see so much of God's work at play. Each component of a storm is necessary for the circumstances that persist. For me, the analogy is perfect with the trials we encounter daily...some are showers, some are thunderstorms, others are hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis,earthquakes. Yet, inspite the seeming damage, the hurt, pain, devastation; there are other effects we often take for granted.
Think of the analogy a little more: the clouds that precede the storms are the small warnings that God sends. Sometimes, we pay attention to them (and prepare ourselves accordingly- we evacuate our homes, our relationships, our jobs, etc.) and have faith that God will carry us through the storm. Other times, we are so preoccupied with our own worlds that we don't hear Him. We forget to shut up and look up...and we are caught off guard. And, in these circumstances, the storms hit us hard...damage is much more extensive.
The rain, made of the water He made, cleanses our worlds. It sometimes rains so heavily that we have to stop what we are doing (ever been driving and couldn't see?) or it just sprinkles enough to clean our lenses...refocus our perspectives. If you look deeper, you can find the leaks in your umbrella with just a sprinkle (are you focusing too much on your man/woman? your job? your bank account?)
The thunder is God's way of speaking to us. He reminds us of His strength, of His power. The lightning is the light that guides His voice. The light that makes those of us who are deaf, SEE the beautiful strength and power of His creation.
The winds, blowing to cool us down, offer us fresh air to breathe. We are blessed with new ideas, new lives, new paths uncovered. Messages are carried in the wind...seeds are transported, life is replanted. When we resist the winds, instead of enjoying it, we stay where we are...and when that gets old; we have built walls around us so high we can't be blown away by any of the amazing miracles of God.
Embrace the storm...when you are damaged, no matter how severely, thank God for the chance to rebuild and make changes. Ask God to help mold you into the person He wants you to be. And when it is all over, enjoy the rainbow, and emerge with a smile, purified heart, and a down to earth attitude.
Recognize that storms happen for a variety of reasons:
1.) We have lost focus on Him and stopped following directions... we are then redirected.
2.) Our hearts, minds, souls are unclean, infested with temptation or evil thoughts, and He cleanses (sometimes scrubs) our hatred, jealousy, contempt, etc. away.
3.) To make sure that we always appreciate the green things we have been blessed with. To make sure that we see the beauty in the things He has created.
4.) To serve as testaments to His strength...and His mercy...remember Who brought you through that storm.
5.)To allow you to heal...we carry wounded hearts, we nurse our pains and aches, but we don't heal properly. He puts His ointment on it, takes away scars..and leaves some as a testimony, as evidence of what He can bring you through.
So, on a personal note, as I look through the storms in my past: Hurricane Rape, Hurricane Cancer, Tropical Storm Haters, Earthquakes of Death, etc., I thank God. A gem more valuable than a pearl and stronger than a diamond is being created. The beautiful delicacy of a butterfly is emerging...and in time, her wings will spread and His wind will carry her closer to Him.

Groupies....

I just finished reading this month's Essence magazine. I was intrigued by an article posted by Will Demps of the NY Giants. I was impressed by his willingness to expose a lifestyle in which many high profile individuals partake on a regular basis.

I've dated 'high-profile' men and found that women can be very trifling. I've sat at dinner while a woman came and asked my date to autograph her breast, right in front of me! I've seen how the women sneak up to the hotel rooms, how they find these men no matter where they go. They are sometimes so physically beautiful and damn near naked, and the men fall into the temptations of their flesh. Leaving us, the women at home, feeling inadequate and hurt.

Let me say, that I respect Will Demps so much more because he admitted to succumbing to his environmental pressures. But, more than that, he woke up from this lifestyle, at an early enough age, and decided that he'd rather find a serious relationship, instead of an empty set of women.

If I could write him a letter in response to his article, it would be one of encouragement; this is what I'd write:

Greetings Mr. Demps;

I know that you have received a million and four emails already in response to your article in Essence; please allow me to be one million and five. I am no groupie; I am not attempting to be or do anything except encourage you. (My favorite team is the Colts, anyway :) ) So, please, just hear me out.

You are a wonderfully handsome man; well spoken, intelligent, focused and driven. In this world, all of these attributes will get you far, but only so far. Too often, we succumb to the desires we think we have and sacrifice the blessing God wants us to have. I have done it as well- maybe not in the same ways you stated, but in equally damaging ways. But, I have been blessed with obstacles that have served to reshape the person that I am and my perspective on the world around me.

Without expounding too much on who I am, let me say that I almost completely understand where you are coming from in your article. I have had similar thoughts and I, too, want to be in a good healthy relationship with someone who respects me, trusts me, and loves me- and for whom I can willingly do the same. You are on the right track to finding her; she is out there…growing and developing to be ready for you She isn’t perfect either, but she will be perfect for you. You have to be open and willing to accept her and the responsibility that God gives you to love, cherish and honor her. She is growing right now into a person who can accept you and the similar responsibilities that God will give her for you. It is important for you to be with someone who will love you for you; not for your job, status, looks, etc. All this to say, be patient. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t assume that just because you’ve made mistakes in the past, that you don’t deserve the best. You do. If you are patient and faithful, there is no doubt in my mind that you will have that. We both will.

Stay focused on your game, on your personal growth and development, and most importantly, on God and what He wants you to do. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take small risks with your heart. This is the same advice I give myself every morning. :)

If you ever just need a person to talk to, to be your friend before anything, and to secretly root for your team (while screaming for the Colts in public), you got one. No strings or expectations attached. I am just a person who likes to encourage and help build up others. I am more than blessed; so sharing is my pleasure.

Sincerely,


Nicole

Trust

Trust. Hmmm, that's a funny concept to me. Sit back and think about all of the people you trust. Think about how much faith you put in the important people in your life. Think about it.

So often, we put faith in our parents, in our friends, in our family, in ourselves. We know that if anything ever happened that these people we depend on would be there for us. We know that they always have our best interests at heart. We know they will be there to lift us when we fall. We know they will pray with us, over us, for us. We know....

But, in spite of all of these things that we know, we find out about something called disappointment. We find ourselves disappointed because these people whom we trusted, failed us. They hurt us. They became jealous. They became fearful. They were too tired to help out. They forgot us. They forgot what friends and family were for. They stop loving us.

Yet, we still trust in them. Time and time again. We still depend on them, despite concrete evidence of the danger and risk of such. Let me tell you the importance of the Promise.

God promised us, each of us, that He will protect us, guide us, love us, forever. He promised that things will work out for those who love Him. He loves us in spite our flaws. We can't hurt Him so badly that He turns His back on us. He forgives us before we forgive ourselves. And, He is never too tired to be there for us.

People are infallible, God isn't. People are selfish, God is benevolent and generous. People can be hateful, God IS LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. People are afraid of the unknown, God is omniscient and omnipresent. In the end, the message is this, put your cares in His hands. Depend on Him for help, guidance, and love. If you need love, know the God will provide it. In His love, you will find love from others. The right love, the right guidance, the right path. Without Him, you will have to lean on your friends, and who is holding them up? When they fall, so will you fall. When they break, so will you break. Don't hide under the twigs of small trees, hide in His tabernacle, behind a rock of stone...and sing His praises. :)

In this part of the journey....

In this part of my journey, when the world is blossoming and pure, I decided to do the same for myself. My heart, full of resentment and anger, bitter from the past, needed to be cleansed and rehabilitated. My mind needed to be nourished with knowledge and perspective. My soul was weak and dying and needed resuscitation. My body was aching and throbbing under the load I was carrying. My life needed healing. I was not growing, so I was dying.

I found Life again. I'd turned my back on Him. I'd questioned His methods, His will, His power. But, when I knocked on His door, I learned that He'd never closed it. He never turned His back on me. He never stopped loving me. And, as soon as I looked to Him, He rejuvenated me. He fed my mind and my soul. He healed my body. And, I was reborn. I was recreated and I have grown ever since.

Know that He is always with you. When you can't feel Him, He's there. When You don't see Him, He's there. He's just testing your faith. Trust Him, get to know Him, and lean on Him for all of your needs; He'll never disappoint you.

Another stage

So, in the last few months, I have been really trying to become a better person. I have tried diligently to go into my own mind and access the lessons I've already learned. It's not been easy.

But, I have learned alot of small lessons that have really shaped my world. I'll share some with you:

1. When you stop looking for it, it will appear. This goes for everything, from keys to love.
2. God never fails. And, with Him, you can't either.
3. Just because it doesn't work the way YOU wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't work out the way it was SUPPOSED to.
4. Every obstacle makes you appreciate the smoother terrain. Sometimes, we encounter dips in the road; other times, we find bumps. Still, we also find straight road blocks, closed roads. When you need a new route, consult your GPS (God's Prayer and Scripture).
5. Love yourself as much as God loves you. You can never find true love if you don't love yourself.
6. Leave your past in the past. It's heavy. Sure, take a souvenir so that you can remember the lessons, but leave the baggage behind.
7. Smile. When they piss you off, smile. When they hurt you, smile. It is a powerful statement.
8. Never let anyone steal your joy. By letting them get to you, you empower them. Empower yourself and walk away. It's not being a coward, it's being brave enough to not care what they think.
9. If you have haters, then you are doing something right. Even Jesus had haters, remember?
10. Never go against your personal beliefs, no matter the temptation, no matter the person you are trying to impress. In the end, the emptiness is much harder to overcome than the temptation ever could have been.

I Salute You

Do fallen soldiers wear their uniforms in heaven? Do they get to keep their purple hearts? Do they walk through the pearly gates, shouting 'Hoo rah' to Jesus? For those who have fallen, I salute you. For my brothers and sisters who are still serving, still fighting, I salute you.

I may not agree with the politics that prompted and perpetuate this war, but I do respect you for serving your country and honoring a mission. I personally thank you for the many sacrifices that you have made to ensure my own way of life. I know firsthand, the freedoms that you give up so that I may experience them. The curfews you abide by, so that I don't have to; the oath of loyalty that you take, so that I may make use of the 1st amendment; the distance from your loved ones, so that I may be with mine. Each day that you serve, each act of sacrifice, is not unnoticed. It is what you do everyday that keeps us safe. It is the fact that you believe, at least in your job, that keeps the world a better place.

I pray for all of you. I pray for those who have fallen, that their hearts be pure and their souls of God. I pray for those serving, that they too follow Christ, but also that they find peace, safety, serenity, and wisdom in their time. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for serving our world.

Cultural Differences: Only in Korea...*

You know you are in Korea when...

1. ...SPAM is a delicacy.
2. ...you get a SPAM gift basket at a holiday, and are elated!
3. ... you paid $80 for that said SPAM basket.
4. ... your children go to school until 11pm.
5. ... a nice haircut resembles the Sonic the Hedgehog style.
6. ... mini skirts without hoisery is acceptable in 20 degree weather.
7. ... traffic backs up for miles because someone got pulled over.
8. ... the bus driver gets off the bus to fight another driver (on the highway!)
9. ... the passengers of the said bus begin placing bets on who is going to win!
10. ... there is a coffee shop on EVERY corner.
11. ... you have to stop at EVERY mirror (or reflective material) on your way home.
12. ...a promise of saltine crackers will get kids to do anything.
13. ... bus stops are created because an ajuma (old lady) tells the bus driver to stop so she
doesn't have to walk.
14. ... every store sells identical clothing.
15. ... none of the English makes any sense.
16. ... parents bring their children to English academy wearing shirts that says 'F#%$ it B!
^(#$!!' and is not aware of the meaning.
17. ... a size 8 (in American sizes) is considered plus size.
18. ... there is no shoe store that sells shoes over an American 8.5 for women.
19. ... the buses are like coach buses in America. (The seats RECLINE ya'll!)
20. ... McDonald's JUST started selling hotcakes.
21. ... Outback steakhouse is the top of the line restaurant.
22. ... a fully furnished apartment has no furniture.
23. ... a luxury apartment has no oven.
24. ...the mafia can manage your apartment building.
25. ...braided hair is called 'reggae' (pronounced 'leggae')
26. ...pornography has zero nudity (just the concept I suppose).
27. ...people laugh more with the porn than anything.... (awh, ney, ney, ney) I'm cracking up!
28. ...there is no difference between breakfast food and dinner food. (Kimchi, anyone?)
29. ...all of your garbage has to be put in pink bags...just to be mixed in with all of the rest.
30. ... immigration can just violently accost you without identifying themselves and accuse you
of being an 'Illegal african immigrant.' (and they don't expect you to punch the hell out of
them either!!)
31. ... police officers don't carry guns.
32. ... NO ONE has guns.
33. ...the homicide rate is more than 20 times lower than the suicide rate.
34. ...you can do all of your clothes shopping in the metro station.
35. ... 90 year old grannies can text message faster than you.


More to come soon.


* Please note: This is not meant to be culturally insensitive. It's only meant to highlight some of the differences that exist between the US and Korea. JUST LAUGH!!

Things I am learning everyday:

1. God is amazing. I've always known it, but seeing it everyday is still awesome.
2. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I have to be content with who I am.
3. Everything I do, everything I experience (good or bad) is a blessing and an opportunity to
grow.
4. People come into your life for a reason and a season. We don't get to determine either of those
things. So just learn to go with the flow.
5. There is no room in the world for cowards. You have to be able to stand up for what's right
and know when to back down (bite down, lol -Caleshia).
6. Peace doesn't come from a political resolution... there is only one Grantor of Peace.
7. Sometimes, smiling when you think you can't proves that you can.
8. We are all created for His purpose. Sometimes, the things we want aren't the things we need.
And somethings we will get when the time is right.
9. There is a beginning AND an end to EVERYTHING under the sun... we don't get to determine
them either.
10. Fear is no reason to quit. When the future is unknown, don't fear it... enter it in faith.

It's in the past;you can't change it now...Or can You?

The Prime Minister of Japan has decided to change history. Today, he declared that the sexual enslavement of Korean and Chinese women did not happen. Amazing how history changes.

Here's the article:

The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/world/asia/06japan.html?em&ex=1173330000&en=d13181bd37397406&ei=5087%0A

March 6, 2007

No Apology for Sex Slavery, Japan’s Prime Minister Says
By MARTIN FACKLERTOKYO, March 5 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said Monday that Japan would refuse to comply if the United States Congress demanded an apology for his nation’s use of foreign women as sexual slaves during World War II.Japan has already lobbied against a resolution, under consideration in the House of Representatives, that would call on Tokyo to take clearer responsibility for its enslavement of some 200,000 mostly Korean and Chinese women known euphemistically here as “comfort women.”

Japan has apologized before and issued a major report in 1993. But there are widespread concerns that Mr. Abe and other conservative Japanese lawmakers may try to water down or reverse such admissions of guilt as part of a broader push to revise their nation’s wartime history.Speaking in Parliament, Mr. Abe reiterated the position of conservative scholars here that Japanese officials and soldiers did not have a hand in forcing women into brothels, instead blaming any coercion on contractors used by Japan’s military.

Mr. Abe rejected testimony before a House committee by surviving victims, who said they had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers to serve in military brothels. He said “testimony to the effect that there had been a hunt for comfort women is a complete fabrication.”He also criticized the proposed House resolution, which blames Japanese authorities for the coercion, saying it “was not based in objective fact, and does not consider the Japanese government’s measures so far.”Political analysts said ignoring the House resolution, which is nonbinding, was not likely to drive a wedge between Tokyo and Washington, its most important ally.

The fear among Japanese diplomats is that Mr. Abe or other Japanese politicians will overreact and make claims that reinforce the perception in the United States and elsewhere that Japan remains unrepentant for its wartime aggression, analysts said.“It just looks bad for the prime minister to be getting involved in these sorts of historical details,” said Minoru Morita, a political analyst who runs an independent research institute in Tokyo. “Plus, his argument isn’t going to sway world opinion anyway. Even if the military wasn’t pointing guns at the women, they still could have been coerced.”Apparently in a nod to such concerns, Mr. Abe appeared to pull back from a comment last week denying that the women had been forced at all to work in brothels.

On Monday, he told Parliament he supported the 1993 government statement, which acknowledged that the military had at least an indirect role in forcing the women into sexual slavery.That government had also apologized to the women and set up a fund to pay them compensation, which is set to expire this month.“There probably was not anyone who followed that path because they wanted to follow it,” Mr. Abe said, speaking of the women’s entry into military brothels. “In the broad sense, there was coercion.”With that limited concession, Mr. Abe appeared to be trying to defuse a growing diplomatic row with Asian neighbors over last week’s denial, which outraged officials and women’s groups across the region.As opinion polls show his approval falling among Japanese voters, Mr. Abe can ill afford to be seen as provoking China and South Korea, much less undermining ties with the United States, political analysts and opposition lawmakers said.“If Japan doesn’t apologize and repent for its past violations of human rights, won’t it lose international trust?” a lawmaker from the opposition Democratic Party, Toshio Ogawa, asked Mr. Abe during Monday’s parliamentary debate.

Mr. Morita and others said that vowing to ignore the possible House resolution appeared to be an attempt by Mr. Abe to appease his conservative base even as he supported the 1993 statement.But Mr. Abe’s claims that Japan had no official role in its military brothels carried another potential public relations risk, they said: in making such denials, he was in effect dismissing as liars the aging women now coming forward with tearful testimony of their ordeals.One was Lee Yong-soo, 78, from South Korea, who testified in the House last month that she had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers at age 16 and raped repeatedly at an army brothel.

In a news conference last week in Tokyo, she said Japanese soldiers had dragged her from her home, covering her mouth so she could not call to her mother.“I want Japan and the Japanese prime minister to apologize,” she said. “As a victim who was forcibly taken, as someone who lived through those events, I’m a living witness.”

History can be Changed...See?

Yes, this is a major issue here in Korea. Women are furious. Japan has a very unambiguous reputation of ‘revising’ their history. The books are modified to enhance Japan’s position by removing their own heinous crimes or elucidating and highlighting those of others. But, I must say this in response: The United States, who is seeking to ameliorate its current international political woes by bringing positive attention to their actions, is also guilty of the same heinous crimes. Moreover, they are guilty of altering and completely reconstructing history to improve their own images as well. They may not have called them ‘comfort women’ in our case… but most were called ‘colored women’… same difference.

The problem here is a matter of social education. In an effort to increase patriotism, reduce violent crimes, and maintain an entire country that adheres to basic religious tenets, both countries have had to conceal past actions (and some hide current actions) to provide an example for their inhabitants to follow. American History cannot be taught as it really occurred because, in doing this, students would learn that in order to become a superpower, or ‘the best,’ it is acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, kill (and let be massacred), covet our neighbors’ possessions (oil, diamonds, ahem!), disrespect your roots (take a quick look at immigration, or on the basis by which the US was founded to clarify this), and to put your country before God (we can’t pray in school, but we can ‘pledge allegiance to a flag’), and so forth. Japan, likewise, has a history of deception and boundless massacres. And, they too have achieved great things for their actions.

Now, suddenly, the world cares? No. The great powers on Earth are afraid of losing in the race for late penalties for their actions. It’s not until a country gains major status, that they cover the trail of how they got there. Japan’s prime minister is no exception. George W. Bush is no exception. Tony Blair is no exception. And all the while, women are finding their ‘comfort’ status all over the world. Who is fighting for them? Who even acknowledges them? Everyday, tears fall on another woman who has been forced to satisfy someone else…our own country’s leadership takes advantage of women; what is happening in other countries, especially developing countries?

The Battle for Peace of Mind

We often describe vacilations between our hearts and our minds, but seldom do we really explore the incongruencies of our conscious and our subconscious selves. Within the same structure, the mind is often at war with itself-our daylight fights till dusk with our nights who then fight till dawn with day. Our dreams uncover many of the hidden mysteries of our subconscious. We see what we want to be or have, what we are afraid of the most, what we don't want to accept as part of our realities. When we have dreams, we declare them to be fantasies or unreal adaptations of the circumstances that are present in our conscious lives. As we awaken, we witness the battleground of the war of the minds...and frequently, as we struggle to remember the details of our dreams, we see our consciousness winning the war to supress the enemy.

Likewise, the struggle continues in the waking hours, when we feel that 'sixth sense' about something. The battle trudges along as we make decisions without thinking, take risks, and challenge th face value of the world around us. We say things like 'Deep down inside, I know..." or "I don't know why, but..." to introduce our subconscious. And when we go along with our gut feelings, our instincts, the victory goes to the subconscious.

And sometimes, you walk the line in a tie. And what does this have to do with anything?, you may be asking.

Several years ago, I was gang raped. I struggled on both levels to deal with the the pain and the physical and mental scars that were left afterwards. I focused my energies to physical recovery first, and intended to move on to the mental recovery. But, as life has it, I didn't really get the opportunity to really deal with things, as I was bombarded with more pressing issues, like fighting cancer, growing spiritually, and making a future for myself. Dealing with the past seemed unnecessary since I never thought I'd need to revisit it. I mean, why cry over spilled milk, right?

I graduated with honors from undergrad, suma cum laude from graduate school, and excelled in my chosen profession, teaching. I began to find unrelenting happiness. It was as if I were climbing a ladder, and the higher I climbed, the happier I felt. I have become so much more confident in myself, I've learned to love who I am, where I am from, and have grown so much spiritually. I decided to make my life what I wanted it to be. And this worked, at least while I was awake. I was often plagued with nightmares, but I was blessed with conscious amnesia. So, until last year, I ,essentially, was doing fine.

It is so easy to talk yourself into believing something to be true, even if it isn't completely accurate. The mind is strong, powerful, unbelievably deceptive at times, but simultaneously brutally honest. I'd convinced myself that I was over it. That I'd survived and moved on. I really believed it, too.

Then, in the market, I looked up to see one of my predators staring face to face with me. He was with his family. I froze. I couldn't move. I was so terrified. My dreams rushed to the front of my mind, the pain returned. I could almost smell him. I returned to that moment. Tears fell. I lost again. Defeat hurts.

I cried a little that night. Told myself to get over it, and seemingly moved on. Maybe it was my subconscious calling out, but shortly after, I moved to S. Korea. Coincidence? Probably not.
I took this opportunity to further my personal and spiritual growth. I did this for me. I have never been happier.

But one week ago, as I was waiting for the bus, I found myself again, staring straight into the face of another predator. This time, I didn't freeze so much. This time, he didn't completely recognize me. But my spirit was paralyzed. I wanted so much to just quit everything and leave. At the first signs of drama at home, I was getting ready to pack up and go home. Any excuse to get away. In an attempt to be honest with my boyfriend, I partially told him what was going on and how I felt. But, I almost gave in to the idea that I would not come to visit him, as he lives near to where I'd seen my past. I kept thinking, "DAMN IT!! I'm in SOUTH KOREA for God sakes!!!!!"

Here's where now, I just have to face the things my subconscious has been trying to resolve for years. So, I will make my declarations public, so that all the world knows how I can never be defeated like this again.
1. I was a victim of a horrible crime. I regret that my fear and compassion for others kept me from finding closure in reporting the crime to authorities.
2. I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM, I am now a VICTOR. I have excelled in all of my ventures, survived every blow life has dealt, and continue to THRIVE. I am unstoppable.
3. No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Not physical weapons, not mental weapons, not spiritual weapons. I am protected. I am saved and 'safe from all hurt, harm, danger, and evil.' (thanks mommy)
4. I am blessed with love, life, and happiness. These things cannot be destroyed. Love conquers all, life eternal is guaranteed, and happiness is guarded with everything I am. NO ONE will ever steal my joy again.
5. It is okay for me to remember my past. But I have to FORGIVE all the people who have ever tried to do harm to me. And from this moment, they are forgiven. From this moment, their actions have no control over me. I am free.

Now, a message to them:

To the twelve: I may have fallen once, but I got back up and that makes me stronger than you. You could not keep me down. So, in the end, I win. And please be advised, I am a child of God. You cannot hurt me anymore. The people in the world may never know what you did, but God knows. And, the penalty that you face is far worse than anything you could ever do to me. This war is over. You are hereby forced to surrender.

I win, game over.

Winter Finishline!

Right now, as February is just starting, it is still difficult to imagine the blooms and colors that March and April will bring. Many of us are so boggled down by the various shades of grey that pervade our daily lives, that the ability to look into the rich beauty of the Spring eludes us. For most, it is too much to bring color into their lives today by borrowing it from tomorrow. We get so bogged down with the present moment we can’t even think about what’s happening this weekend, much less next month!
And, understandably so. This is where creativity, imagination, and positive thinking come into play. You see, we each have the propensity to endure long harsh winters because everyone of us possesses a unique visual capacity that resides behind our eyes. Our brain is capable of seeing what it wants to see and overlooking those things that it would prefer not to see. With this amazing feature, we are able to create our own color. All we have to do is alter the way we think about our vision.
For me, winter is a wonderful time of the year because I see images as a child would see a page of a coloring book. I can make the people in my life any color I want, I can add to what I see, black out those things I don’t need/want to see. But my advantage over the kid is far reaching: I don’t have to limit my imagination to the 8, 12, 24 or 96 colors in the box. I can mix and match in ways before impossible. And, with this vision, I can bring color into my life and spread a little color in the lives of others.
On a more physical note, I also engage in some winter survival activities to alleviate the inherent stress involved in snow storms, high cold, biting winds, ice, heavy coats, and shared grumpiness.
1. I add color to my own wardrobe. Many people fall into the pattern of wearing blacks, grays, dull browns, and dark blues exclusively. By bringing out the reds, yellows, and oranges, you share a sense of warmth. Blues, purples, and greens tend to bring out feelings of refreshing peace. You not only feel the affects within yourself, but against a backdrop of grays, whites, and blacks, you stand out and look beautiful in the process.
2. I wear makeup more often. In the winter, you can wear glittery stuff (eye shadows, lipsticks/glosses) more easily because of the representations of snow that glitter carries. It’s fun, it makes you feel good and you certainly look great. Wearing natural tones, and just enough makeup to highlight your features, let’s people see your natural beauty (our skin is usually much clearer in the winter than in the summer) and makes them focus on your jazzed up wardrobe.
3. I smile. I smile at EVERYONE, no matter how I feel when I leave in the morning. I smile anyway. I find that one thing in life that makes me smile and think about it all day. Smiling at others makes you feel better, and believe it or not, makes other people feel better. Many times, people will reflect what they experience…so smiling at someone might lead to someone smiling back!

Enjoy your February!

Nicole in Korea: January Edition!

Greetings!

I hope this entry finds you all in great and wonderful spirits. I have been so busy lately, it’s been taking a bit of time to get back to some of the emails I’ve been receiving. I love to read them though, so keep ‘em coming!

Anyway, here’s my news update for the January Edition:

1. On Saturday night, we had an earthquake here. It was pretty exciting. I hadn’t realized they had earthquakes here in Korea. So, it was pretty unexpected! It wasn’t serious (4.4 on the Richter).
2. I am becoming a star…lol… I am in a commercial for my gym. I saw it last week for the first time…it was pretty fun. I am also going to be on television in a new commercial (for an Indian food restaurant) on the 31st!
3. I got a new digital camera so I will be taking more pictures... the ones I attached are just some from my weekend outings. J
4. I won a dance contest—not belly dancing, booty dancing. I must admit though that I had an unfair advantage over the other people…I have a butt (and hips). I annihilated them!!! I won $$ and free drinks… and since I don’t drink, I have a lot of new friends…lol…
5. I went skiing and didn’t break anything. I had a blast, mastered the 50 yard tumble…but nothing broke! It was great. I went snow tubing, snow boarding, and when we’d frozen beyond belief, we went for spa treatments! God, it’s nice to be able to have some 4 foot 2 man jump on your back and make your muscles relax!!
6. I have been working winter intensives so I have been at work from 8am until about 11pm. Lot’s of time at work…can’t wait for the check in a couple of weeks…whooo hooo!! Besides I LOVE my job!
7. I am still belly dancing and loving it. I will be headed to Japan in one month for another competition. I seem to be pretty good…maybe that was the key to my success…lol…
8. I posted some pretty silly New Year’s Celebration videos on my myspace page… you can check them out. I am just being silly (I promise no alcohol!) www.myspace.com/msdoriannicole (click on ‘view my videos’ under the profile picture)
9. My health is finally under control. I am in complete remission. I am not sure how, but that’s what the doctors have been telling me. God works in ways we haven’t even the capacity to understand.
10. I manage to feel at least 10% happier than I did the day before…it’s like: How happy can one person be? I smile so much my cheeks hurt at the end of the day!

Everything is just amazing. I can’t even list all of the wonderful things that are happening to me right now.

I can’t think of everything I am sure. All I do remember and thank God for everyday is this overwhelming peace of mind and real genuine happiness. When you get to a point in life where nothing and no one can steal your joy, you are really living. Everyday, my smile gets brighter and wider, my spirit soars higher, and my stomach aches because of the feast of laughter. I love life, and it seems to love me right back! I even wrote Oprah and told her about it. J

I have no idea when I am coming back... but you’ll know when I know. In the meantime… SMILE!! If you are up for sending care packages, I would like a couple of things from the states…just cuz:
1. Starburst (tropical fruit)
2. Vanilla Oreos (mmmm)
3. cheap walmart/target tshirts like to wear outside though…not undershirts.. (size M?)

That’s it I suppose. I have found almost everything else! See…what a wonderful world! I miss you guys… be good and send me updates about what’s happening in your lives. I want pictures!

Love Always,

Doriannicole


P.S. John, that little flannel and vest are getting their use!!! Whoo.. I am SOOOO glad to have them… it is so cold over here! Thanks again. :)

New Year's Resolutions 101

At the start of every new year, people all over the world make resolutions to improve their lives in some way. They say they will lose the weight, they say they will eat healthier, they say they will go to church more, they say they will be more honest, they say they will do better work. They say a lot.

Here's why we quit before we get there:
1. People say what they are going to do but they never actually decide to do it. They make very superficial decisions...they don't claim the accomplishments they desire to achieve. For example, one may say "This year, I want to lose weight." But, while this is an admirable start, they haven't finished the process. You have to claim your goals. That statement should then be modified to say "By June, I will have lost 35 lbs." or "By March, I will fit into that pair of jeans." It's not enough to just want to do something. When you claim it, then all of your efforts go in that direction. Your mind begins to think of ways of accomplishing that goal, and ultimately, you achieve it.

2. People hold on to too much baggage to be able to accept anything else. So, they subconsciously make excuses. They say "I want to lose weight" and then follow that with "but I can't exercise because of my knee/back/etc." Instead, they should say, "I will lose weight, in spite of my bad knee" and maybe even follow it up with "and my knee/back/etc will feel better with the lighter load." We do the same things with other things, like relationships, for example.

3. Too often, we don't know WHY we want to do something. Keeping sight of your reasoning for doing something is a major motivating factor down the line when you feel yourself slipping. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to become a millionaire? No matter what the goal, you have to have a trigger, a reason for doing it.

4. People don't really believe they will be able to achieve their goals. It is not enough to think that you might be able to pull it off. You have to know that you can do it. You have to visualize yourself already having achieved the goal.

With these simple steps, you will accomplish whatever you set out to accomplish, whether you start January 1 or July 6. Good thoughts!

Nicole in Korea 9

Happy Holidays!!!

I know it has been about a month since I sent out my last edition but I have been super busy! I have been belly dancing so much I think I am beginning to do it in my sleep! Between the performances and salsa dancing on the weekends, and my lunatic personal trainer, I am getting pretty fit! I think my personal trainer is becoming obsessed! I am going to have to slide out of there soon before I disappear!

Work is great! I got a raise and a bonus! I have been recognized as an S-level teacher (which is the highest level) and everything is going pretty smoothly. I have been doing winter intensives, which means I teach three classes a day instead of two. It sounds like something simple, but it is really pretty intense (I suppose that’s why they are called ‘intensives’, huh?). As you all know, I am not good with staying completely put for long so I am looking into teaching for the Department of Defense Schools- which would allow me to teach AND travel as I please…and the benefits are GREAT! I am sure that working for the DOD School System will be a plus on my resume when I apply for the Secretary of Education position in 20 years….or I can work for DODS and retire altogether in 20….with full benefits!

My health is doing wonderfully…for the most part! I still need to figure out how to get some more iron and sugar into my blood stream but I am sure that will work itself out! I am even undergoing an allergy treatment to convince my body that caffeine is not a bad thing! I have been increasing tolerance and maybe by the end of March or April, I’ll be able to have a cup of green tea! or a Rum and Coke! (Lol…just kidding)

The weather is becoming easier to deal with. I am slowly figuring out how to stay warm! As usual though, I cannot keep my hands warm…I don’t think I get blood to my hands or something because they are always cold! And my feet too! Below is the view out of my window! We’ll see how it feels in January. I am investing in good warm gloves….
God I miss the tropical weather!

I find time to socialize and enjoy things. Everyday is great! I have had no bad days here! I think it’s just a different attitude about things that has transformed all of my days! I am very very happy. I cannot think of another time in my life that I have even come close to the level of happiness that I am experiencing here. I feel like I am working with a purpose. I am in love with life and that is just the best feeling ever!

I miss you all so much. I have decided that if I do stay over here in Korea for another year or more, then, I will return to the US for a month or so to see everyone…and to go shopping!!!! I need to shop in stores where a size 6 is not considered Large… a 10 is plus size!!

I have never felt more blessed than I do at this very moment! And I must say that each of you has contributed to this moment in one way or another… I love ya’ll!!

Just Put the Baggage Down

Many times, I have thought about how each experience, each new encounter, each new person, each new thought adds color to my life. The richness of the lessons I learn, from the feelings I have the opportunity to personally define and recreate, have proven essential to the redecoration of my life.

When we date, in the years before marriage (or in those years between marriages), we enter into a path of successive approximation, whereby we gradually increase our standards and move closer to our goal incrementally. By dating and getting to know other people more intimately, we somehow find ourselves revealing our own idiosyncrasies to the world around us. We develop and demarcate specific standards that correspond to our personal needs, wants, and expectations for the future.

That scary moment comes when we decide that the dating stage is over. That moment when we determine that we have grown to a point from which we would like to share future growth with one other individual, is one of the most heart wrenching moments in our lives. That minute when we realize that building ourselves through families and partnerships is life changing. For once that moment has come, our actions and attitudes toward those who have not reached this point, change drastically, as do our attitudes toward dating in general.

Each of us looks back in reflection and says: Who have I become? Who do I want to become? And how can this person help me to get there? This is when relationships drastically end, become immobilized, or take sharp unexpected turns to get on the desired course. Unfortunately, those desires and expectations are not aligned with reality and the courses ends in a devastating collision between reality and make believe. And, then what?

I was desperately trying to avoid this collision. And in my avoidance, I may have chosen to avoid relationships altogether, constantly seeking flaws in my mate or myself that would prevent me from committing to such a catastrophe. I determined that I was not CAPABLE of a serious long term relationship, or marriage. I conceded to not being ‘wifey material.’ I used everything, my illness, my weight, my location, my past, everything, as excuses as to why I should just be alone. It almost immobilized me.

So, now, instead of trying to predetermine my own path, I have resigned to allow my footsteps to be lead by God’s will. And suddenly, I don’t feel so afraid. I know now, that I am being groomed and cultivated like a flower in a meadow, by every person I encounter, by every relationship I enter, by every path that crosses mine. While I am not looking for anything from anyone, I will not run from a serious relationship anymore…I am going to listen to my heart more and I know that as soon as God thinks I am ready, he’ll send someone…when I least expect it.

Recently, I have been blessed with encounters with many wonderful people. I have, as a result, begun to blossom as a person. I have begun to express myself, defend myself, and to be honest with others and myself, no matter the perceived consequences. The more I grow as a person, the less I need to lean on my baggage. I am also learning how to pack lightly--getting rid of the things I don't need to carry around, and learning how to just put the baggage down for a little while. I mean, who travels and carries their bags with them all day, everyday? This is my journey, I can leave the bags for a while.

Seasons Greetings!!

The fire of summer’s sun permeates the leaves and creates fall. As the heat passes from one element to another, the weather we experience vacillates between cool and warm, hot and cold, sunny and wet. The brilliance of the sun is reflected in each leaf, as it turns to a beautiful jewel sharing its colors with gold, rubies, and amethysts.

And then, once the leaves can take no more of the summer’s warmth, they fall wearily to the ground, leaving the trees barren, colorless, and emaciated. Because the limbs won’t intercept the flakes, the snow drifts merrily and gracefully to the ground, covering all it encounters. The trees, barren and dull, permit the white splendor of winter to assume the spotlight. The beauty of winter is accessorized harmoniously with the bold and brilliant colors of the sky, the deep blues, the many hues of pink, orange, yellow that accompany the extraordinary sunrises and sunsets that only winter offers.

And then, when the white grows tired and restless, and the sky tired of carrying the burden of being bright and perfect, the greens and colorful flowers of spring return and carry the torch. The rain cleans the world of the impurities that may keep the green from returning. And the flowers, in every color imaginable, suddenly appear, peeking between the leaves, blooming, blossoming, and coming into their own.

As the season continues, the flowers of spring are replaced with those of the summer; even bolder, more courageous, and outspoken.

And when, they are too loud, the sun quiets them, calms them, and passes their energy to the leaves…and the cycle begins again.

In House Renovations

Amazing. That's how I would describe the way I feel right now. It has been a long long time since I have been so at peace with my life. In fact, let me amend that statement: I have never been so at peace with my life. I have realized that peace exists on so many different levels, but to achieve real peace, you HAVE to start on the innermost level.

I found that I had to find peace within myself. I had to dig around and talk to that person that no one but me has ever met. That person that I conceal from even myself, at times. That person to whom I push all of my pain and frustration, that person who carries the heavy burdens and the hardships, the person who gives and sacrifices everything she has for the well being of everyone else and who never ever asks for anything in return. This is where I started.

When I got there, she was a wreck! Imagine walking into a room where nothing is in it's rightful place, where things have been broken or damaged from being stepped on and/or thrown around. There are so many bags in this room, it's difficult to even get through the door. It's hard to breathe, there is no air...walk too far in and you too will suffocate. No air and lots of tears makes the room warm and humid. Unbearable. This was my room. This is where I lived...better yet, this is where I almost died.

The humiliation of the room's condition prevented the invitation of guests. So no one ever knew what was behind that closed, locked, dreadful door. On the other side of the same wall, everything was pristine, immaculate, beautiful. This is what I showed the rest of the world. I could have sold the house on this part alone.

But eventually the mess of the room began to overflow into the rest of the house. The smell of my dying body permeated the air; the frame of the house began to swell because of the humidity. It even began to show on the outside. I let the grass on the lawn become overgrown. I stopped painting the shutters. And after the season of storms, it was really looking tattered.

My house was not in good condition. It affected everything. An infestation of mold, growing like cancer, was taking over my house. Pretty soon, everything in my life became part of my jungle. It was too difficult to deal with. I had no idea where to go and who to call. I was lost in my own house. Lost in my own person. I had no way out.

I'd spent so much time looking strong that eventually, I was too weak to support my own weight. To everyone who never rode down my block, I was a success. I have always been an excellent student, liked by most people, and full of energy. But everything was beginning to fade.
Finally, it happened. I ran out of tears. I decided, with some motivation from a cute little seven-year old girl, that I was going to get my life together. I went to school, focused on my classes but also on myself. I began to reflect on the many things that had caused me to fear life. I thought about reasons and explanations for the many failed relationships, the feigned happiness. I decided right then that I wanted real happiness. And I set out on this mission. I called it the PEACE CORE (I went into high intensity danger zones in search of peace.)

I started to deal with things I hadn't dealt with before. I began to search for alternative ways to view the events that had plagued my life. And most importantly, I began some serious spring spiritual cleaning. I just threw out things that didn't matter. And to be honest, I'd been harboring many inconsequential things. Getting rid of those things made it possible for me to get more indepth with the things that do matter the most.

It has been 15 months since this transformation began. I can honestly say, that while that room isn't quite as clean as I want it to be, it's well on its way. And, my grass is cut, the shutters are repaired...although there are somethings that can be done still....but, I am working on each thing one day at a time.

Thanks to this experience in Korea and to the unexpected miracles I have met, the last three months have been fantastic! I honestly believe that God puts people in your path, makes you trip over them even, so that they can help you up. I grabbed a helping hand and it has been amazing. I have smiled everyday, learned to love me inspite of my imperfections, and am realizing that I do have something to offer the world.

I have been able to voice my aspirations in ways I never thought possible. I am now working toward a goal, I have a mission...and, although it sounds a bit cliche, I have a dream. And with God's help, my own determination, and the support of people in my life, I will realize it! I promise.

Doriannicole in Korea 8

Greetings to My Peeps Back in da Hood(s)!!

Ok...I am sorry. It has just been a while since I have had the opportunity to be ethnic!! Ok... I’m done now...

Anyway, I am just emailing with my new updates and happenings from the other side of the world!! I guess I’ll start with the most important information first!

I competed in a belly dance exhibition/competition sponsored by UNICEF on Sunday. There were 38 pairs competing for the top 5 slots. They were from all over Korea. I am proud to say, that I danced alone, half naked, on a stage in front of more than 1,000 people (mainly business men in black suits) for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Our routine (my partner and me) consisted of a 3 min solo for her, 2.5 min duet, and my piece at the end. I am waiting for pictures as no one was permitted cameras, except members of the press and random hired photographers. I have some backstage pictures taken just before makeup that I have attached. (ignore the love handles... I’m working on them!) In the end, we came in 5th place! Which for me was a great achievement!!! I’d expected to be like 37, 38... so this was fabulous! (I am not going to mention how nervous I was before and during and how I bottled everything up and saved it for the massive vomiting session immediately following my performance! Not a pretty sight... maybe next time I won’t be so crazy...)
Over the weekend, winter showed up. I had previously thought that winter had already come...but nope! It proved to me yesterday that this may be the coldest winter I’ve ever lived through! Yesterday brought with it frozen rain, and then flurries... and wind...like Chicago wind....it was a cold I’d not seen in a long time. And this is just the beginning. It snowed a little last night, and today’s sunny high of 36 and tonight’s expected low of 21 is not exactly comforting. So, I am asking for anything you have to keep me warm... It doesn’t matter that I’ve made it down to a US 10/12 in clothing size; I’m still too big to shop here!!! I did find a coat though. I got it today!! I was nice and warm (almost) on the walk home from work....now I need some good gloves and some winter boots... I am looking online.
I am still loving my job. My students are great! Still funny, still witty, and still making me smile on a daily basis. I have a great schedule and am hoping for the same or similar schedule next term. We only have three more weeks until the end of the term! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing. I keep myself so busy that I don’t keep up with the calendar!! I feel like I wake up and say: Oh my, it’s already November! And I think, didn’t I just say this last week about October?
I got a webcam so you all can see me!! If you use skype to call me, we can do a video call and you can see me. It also works with msn and aol...I’m pumped up about it...so go back to the old email I sent and download skype!!
There was a strike in my building so no one cleaned for 3.5 weeks...trash was piling up everywhere... so you know I had to be ignorant and make a big complaint and demand that it be cleaned up....they cleaned our floor and the front of the building!! I was shocked!!! Nicole has some authoritaaayy!!! My Korean is getting better each day, I understand about 70% of what I hear the first time (an increase of about 70% since I got here!) and I can communicate pretty clearly and effectively (although I use very formal speech and my electronic translator, at times).

I have no more news, I am so busy these days that I forget what I wanted to tell you guys before I get a chance to write!!

I need some tastykake butterscotch krimpets and some PAM non stick spray (original or olive oil)!!! Send me letters or something, the only things I ever get in the mail are bills in Korean! (Although I got a nice birthday card and a mommy sent care package...by the way mom, I am out of vanilla oreos!) I miss you all a lot, sort of.

Love Always,

Doriannicole