The Key

I can no longer listen to the tintinnabulations of the shackles and chains of my past. I have spent most of my life living in regret, shame and hopelessness. I have already wasted so much of my short life in tears because of what people stole from me.

For years, I have struggled to go nowhere, just anywhere away from the pain of my childhood, the misery of my rape, and the heartaches and suffering of my illness. I have once written that I was not just raped; I was raped and murdered. It was a massacre. My children were murdered. My family was killed. And my hopes and dreams, bludgeoned, beaten, kicked, stabbed, and fatally wounded. I thought God had forsaken me when Dr. Anjins diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. I thought I'd been left to walk the sands of the beach with only one set of footprints.

In reality though, my tears, my lack of focus, my inability to see my life beyond my own set of circumstances, prevented me from being able to see the truth of it all. Because I didn't see it, I thought it wasn't there. I can almost laugh at that notion now. The immaturity of my relationship with God, my shakiness in my faith, my inconsistency in my walk, led me to believe something I knew wasn't true.

How is it that we know that God is real, yet find ways to undermine His presence in our lives? I kept thinking: If God were real and true, then He would never have let these things happen to me. I would ask over and over why God let these things happen to me. Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I do what I was supposed to do?

Funny, because while I have shared my testimony with hundreds of people, learned to pray and meditate again, and truly reestablished my connection with God, I never really understood how God sees me and my circumstances; what His intentions for my life are--until now. Here's where I now stand:

In each level of both my life and my conscious searching for God, He has never

failed to provide me the things for which I fervently asked. He is the provider of

everything my heart could desire and my mind could conjure. There is nothing in this

world, this universe, that He did not create.

Things happened to me, yes. God never intended for my body to be permanently

scarred. He never pushed me into trouble, or even led me down the wrong road. I walked

down a road, I lacked faith, I lacked the spiritual weapons I should have had, I lacked the

vision. I asked God to help me to be closer to my mother. I asked God to bring me together

with my family. I asked God to use me to help other people.

And that's just what He did.

Now, here I am, a creature with emotions and feelings. But, unlike before, I walk in faith. I just step out. I pray, I meditate, I ask God for answers and they come. When they do, I listen. I joined the Air Force because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I believe God heard that and has given me the opportunity to help other people reach their potential, to move past their obstacles, and come closer to him...without ever having done the job I came to the Air Force to do. The obstacles I have encountered just allowed me to find new routes, meet and encourage a new set of people, and share God's love in places I wouldn't have otherwise.

Moreover, God has led other people to me. I have attracted so many 'angels' that look out for me. There are people who come just when I need them the most, calls that come at just the right time, movies or books or speakers that say just what I need them to say, right when I need them to say it. God sends out others who have figured it out so that I can figure it out. My gratitude to have so many people, so much happiness come my way so often, is immeasurable.

The same holds true for all of the baggage to which I have been shackled and chained. God has blessed me with a new perspective. I have a different understanding of events in a person's life for which I have encouragement to share. I have been sent on another path because of those events of my past.

I don't believe you are what you experience, rather, you are the knowledge and the lessons you acquire from what you experience. Knowledge alone isn't power, the courage to apply the knowledge you have is powerful. The openness to reach to a higher source to find answers is powerful. To look within yourself and find that there is nothing you can't do, not because you are so great, but because God is in you, and HE is awesome beyond measure, is an awe inspiring moment. It is a moment so powerful, so overwhelming, that people seldom act on that new understanding.

I can no longer stand to hear the tinkles and chimes of the chains with which I am bound. God has no limitations, God is in me, therefore I have no limitations. Everything I am supposed to be, I am. In Him, I am perfect and true, beautiful in my own way. I don't have to be perfect by the world's standards. I am who I am, true to who I am, and thus perfect at being who God intended me to be.