Groupies....

I just finished reading this month's Essence magazine. I was intrigued by an article posted by Will Demps of the NY Giants. I was impressed by his willingness to expose a lifestyle in which many high profile individuals partake on a regular basis.

I've dated 'high-profile' men and found that women can be very trifling. I've sat at dinner while a woman came and asked my date to autograph her breast, right in front of me! I've seen how the women sneak up to the hotel rooms, how they find these men no matter where they go. They are sometimes so physically beautiful and damn near naked, and the men fall into the temptations of their flesh. Leaving us, the women at home, feeling inadequate and hurt.

Let me say, that I respect Will Demps so much more because he admitted to succumbing to his environmental pressures. But, more than that, he woke up from this lifestyle, at an early enough age, and decided that he'd rather find a serious relationship, instead of an empty set of women.

If I could write him a letter in response to his article, it would be one of encouragement; this is what I'd write:

Greetings Mr. Demps;

I know that you have received a million and four emails already in response to your article in Essence; please allow me to be one million and five. I am no groupie; I am not attempting to be or do anything except encourage you. (My favorite team is the Colts, anyway :) ) So, please, just hear me out.

You are a wonderfully handsome man; well spoken, intelligent, focused and driven. In this world, all of these attributes will get you far, but only so far. Too often, we succumb to the desires we think we have and sacrifice the blessing God wants us to have. I have done it as well- maybe not in the same ways you stated, but in equally damaging ways. But, I have been blessed with obstacles that have served to reshape the person that I am and my perspective on the world around me.

Without expounding too much on who I am, let me say that I almost completely understand where you are coming from in your article. I have had similar thoughts and I, too, want to be in a good healthy relationship with someone who respects me, trusts me, and loves me- and for whom I can willingly do the same. You are on the right track to finding her; she is out there…growing and developing to be ready for you She isn’t perfect either, but she will be perfect for you. You have to be open and willing to accept her and the responsibility that God gives you to love, cherish and honor her. She is growing right now into a person who can accept you and the similar responsibilities that God will give her for you. It is important for you to be with someone who will love you for you; not for your job, status, looks, etc. All this to say, be patient. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t assume that just because you’ve made mistakes in the past, that you don’t deserve the best. You do. If you are patient and faithful, there is no doubt in my mind that you will have that. We both will.

Stay focused on your game, on your personal growth and development, and most importantly, on God and what He wants you to do. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take small risks with your heart. This is the same advice I give myself every morning. :)

If you ever just need a person to talk to, to be your friend before anything, and to secretly root for your team (while screaming for the Colts in public), you got one. No strings or expectations attached. I am just a person who likes to encourage and help build up others. I am more than blessed; so sharing is my pleasure.

Sincerely,


Nicole

Trust

Trust. Hmmm, that's a funny concept to me. Sit back and think about all of the people you trust. Think about how much faith you put in the important people in your life. Think about it.

So often, we put faith in our parents, in our friends, in our family, in ourselves. We know that if anything ever happened that these people we depend on would be there for us. We know that they always have our best interests at heart. We know they will be there to lift us when we fall. We know they will pray with us, over us, for us. We know....

But, in spite of all of these things that we know, we find out about something called disappointment. We find ourselves disappointed because these people whom we trusted, failed us. They hurt us. They became jealous. They became fearful. They were too tired to help out. They forgot us. They forgot what friends and family were for. They stop loving us.

Yet, we still trust in them. Time and time again. We still depend on them, despite concrete evidence of the danger and risk of such. Let me tell you the importance of the Promise.

God promised us, each of us, that He will protect us, guide us, love us, forever. He promised that things will work out for those who love Him. He loves us in spite our flaws. We can't hurt Him so badly that He turns His back on us. He forgives us before we forgive ourselves. And, He is never too tired to be there for us.

People are infallible, God isn't. People are selfish, God is benevolent and generous. People can be hateful, God IS LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. People are afraid of the unknown, God is omniscient and omnipresent. In the end, the message is this, put your cares in His hands. Depend on Him for help, guidance, and love. If you need love, know the God will provide it. In His love, you will find love from others. The right love, the right guidance, the right path. Without Him, you will have to lean on your friends, and who is holding them up? When they fall, so will you fall. When they break, so will you break. Don't hide under the twigs of small trees, hide in His tabernacle, behind a rock of stone...and sing His praises. :)

In this part of the journey....

In this part of my journey, when the world is blossoming and pure, I decided to do the same for myself. My heart, full of resentment and anger, bitter from the past, needed to be cleansed and rehabilitated. My mind needed to be nourished with knowledge and perspective. My soul was weak and dying and needed resuscitation. My body was aching and throbbing under the load I was carrying. My life needed healing. I was not growing, so I was dying.

I found Life again. I'd turned my back on Him. I'd questioned His methods, His will, His power. But, when I knocked on His door, I learned that He'd never closed it. He never turned His back on me. He never stopped loving me. And, as soon as I looked to Him, He rejuvenated me. He fed my mind and my soul. He healed my body. And, I was reborn. I was recreated and I have grown ever since.

Know that He is always with you. When you can't feel Him, He's there. When You don't see Him, He's there. He's just testing your faith. Trust Him, get to know Him, and lean on Him for all of your needs; He'll never disappoint you.

Another stage

So, in the last few months, I have been really trying to become a better person. I have tried diligently to go into my own mind and access the lessons I've already learned. It's not been easy.

But, I have learned alot of small lessons that have really shaped my world. I'll share some with you:

1. When you stop looking for it, it will appear. This goes for everything, from keys to love.
2. God never fails. And, with Him, you can't either.
3. Just because it doesn't work the way YOU wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't work out the way it was SUPPOSED to.
4. Every obstacle makes you appreciate the smoother terrain. Sometimes, we encounter dips in the road; other times, we find bumps. Still, we also find straight road blocks, closed roads. When you need a new route, consult your GPS (God's Prayer and Scripture).
5. Love yourself as much as God loves you. You can never find true love if you don't love yourself.
6. Leave your past in the past. It's heavy. Sure, take a souvenir so that you can remember the lessons, but leave the baggage behind.
7. Smile. When they piss you off, smile. When they hurt you, smile. It is a powerful statement.
8. Never let anyone steal your joy. By letting them get to you, you empower them. Empower yourself and walk away. It's not being a coward, it's being brave enough to not care what they think.
9. If you have haters, then you are doing something right. Even Jesus had haters, remember?
10. Never go against your personal beliefs, no matter the temptation, no matter the person you are trying to impress. In the end, the emptiness is much harder to overcome than the temptation ever could have been.

I Salute You

Do fallen soldiers wear their uniforms in heaven? Do they get to keep their purple hearts? Do they walk through the pearly gates, shouting 'Hoo rah' to Jesus? For those who have fallen, I salute you. For my brothers and sisters who are still serving, still fighting, I salute you.

I may not agree with the politics that prompted and perpetuate this war, but I do respect you for serving your country and honoring a mission. I personally thank you for the many sacrifices that you have made to ensure my own way of life. I know firsthand, the freedoms that you give up so that I may experience them. The curfews you abide by, so that I don't have to; the oath of loyalty that you take, so that I may make use of the 1st amendment; the distance from your loved ones, so that I may be with mine. Each day that you serve, each act of sacrifice, is not unnoticed. It is what you do everyday that keeps us safe. It is the fact that you believe, at least in your job, that keeps the world a better place.

I pray for all of you. I pray for those who have fallen, that their hearts be pure and their souls of God. I pray for those serving, that they too follow Christ, but also that they find peace, safety, serenity, and wisdom in their time. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for serving our world.

Cultural Differences: Only in Korea...*

You know you are in Korea when...

1. ...SPAM is a delicacy.
2. ...you get a SPAM gift basket at a holiday, and are elated!
3. ... you paid $80 for that said SPAM basket.
4. ... your children go to school until 11pm.
5. ... a nice haircut resembles the Sonic the Hedgehog style.
6. ... mini skirts without hoisery is acceptable in 20 degree weather.
7. ... traffic backs up for miles because someone got pulled over.
8. ... the bus driver gets off the bus to fight another driver (on the highway!)
9. ... the passengers of the said bus begin placing bets on who is going to win!
10. ... there is a coffee shop on EVERY corner.
11. ... you have to stop at EVERY mirror (or reflective material) on your way home.
12. ...a promise of saltine crackers will get kids to do anything.
13. ... bus stops are created because an ajuma (old lady) tells the bus driver to stop so she
doesn't have to walk.
14. ... every store sells identical clothing.
15. ... none of the English makes any sense.
16. ... parents bring their children to English academy wearing shirts that says 'F#%$ it B!
^(#$!!' and is not aware of the meaning.
17. ... a size 8 (in American sizes) is considered plus size.
18. ... there is no shoe store that sells shoes over an American 8.5 for women.
19. ... the buses are like coach buses in America. (The seats RECLINE ya'll!)
20. ... McDonald's JUST started selling hotcakes.
21. ... Outback steakhouse is the top of the line restaurant.
22. ... a fully furnished apartment has no furniture.
23. ... a luxury apartment has no oven.
24. ...the mafia can manage your apartment building.
25. ...braided hair is called 'reggae' (pronounced 'leggae')
26. ...pornography has zero nudity (just the concept I suppose).
27. ...people laugh more with the porn than anything.... (awh, ney, ney, ney) I'm cracking up!
28. ...there is no difference between breakfast food and dinner food. (Kimchi, anyone?)
29. ...all of your garbage has to be put in pink bags...just to be mixed in with all of the rest.
30. ... immigration can just violently accost you without identifying themselves and accuse you
of being an 'Illegal african immigrant.' (and they don't expect you to punch the hell out of
them either!!)
31. ... police officers don't carry guns.
32. ... NO ONE has guns.
33. ...the homicide rate is more than 20 times lower than the suicide rate.
34. ...you can do all of your clothes shopping in the metro station.
35. ... 90 year old grannies can text message faster than you.


More to come soon.


* Please note: This is not meant to be culturally insensitive. It's only meant to highlight some of the differences that exist between the US and Korea. JUST LAUGH!!

Things I am learning everyday:

1. God is amazing. I've always known it, but seeing it everyday is still awesome.
2. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I have to be content with who I am.
3. Everything I do, everything I experience (good or bad) is a blessing and an opportunity to
grow.
4. People come into your life for a reason and a season. We don't get to determine either of those
things. So just learn to go with the flow.
5. There is no room in the world for cowards. You have to be able to stand up for what's right
and know when to back down (bite down, lol -Caleshia).
6. Peace doesn't come from a political resolution... there is only one Grantor of Peace.
7. Sometimes, smiling when you think you can't proves that you can.
8. We are all created for His purpose. Sometimes, the things we want aren't the things we need.
And somethings we will get when the time is right.
9. There is a beginning AND an end to EVERYTHING under the sun... we don't get to determine
them either.
10. Fear is no reason to quit. When the future is unknown, don't fear it... enter it in faith.

It's in the past;you can't change it now...Or can You?

The Prime Minister of Japan has decided to change history. Today, he declared that the sexual enslavement of Korean and Chinese women did not happen. Amazing how history changes.

Here's the article:

The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/world/asia/06japan.html?em&ex=1173330000&en=d13181bd37397406&ei=5087%0A

March 6, 2007

No Apology for Sex Slavery, Japan’s Prime Minister Says
By MARTIN FACKLERTOKYO, March 5 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said Monday that Japan would refuse to comply if the United States Congress demanded an apology for his nation’s use of foreign women as sexual slaves during World War II.Japan has already lobbied against a resolution, under consideration in the House of Representatives, that would call on Tokyo to take clearer responsibility for its enslavement of some 200,000 mostly Korean and Chinese women known euphemistically here as “comfort women.”

Japan has apologized before and issued a major report in 1993. But there are widespread concerns that Mr. Abe and other conservative Japanese lawmakers may try to water down or reverse such admissions of guilt as part of a broader push to revise their nation’s wartime history.Speaking in Parliament, Mr. Abe reiterated the position of conservative scholars here that Japanese officials and soldiers did not have a hand in forcing women into brothels, instead blaming any coercion on contractors used by Japan’s military.

Mr. Abe rejected testimony before a House committee by surviving victims, who said they had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers to serve in military brothels. He said “testimony to the effect that there had been a hunt for comfort women is a complete fabrication.”He also criticized the proposed House resolution, which blames Japanese authorities for the coercion, saying it “was not based in objective fact, and does not consider the Japanese government’s measures so far.”Political analysts said ignoring the House resolution, which is nonbinding, was not likely to drive a wedge between Tokyo and Washington, its most important ally.

The fear among Japanese diplomats is that Mr. Abe or other Japanese politicians will overreact and make claims that reinforce the perception in the United States and elsewhere that Japan remains unrepentant for its wartime aggression, analysts said.“It just looks bad for the prime minister to be getting involved in these sorts of historical details,” said Minoru Morita, a political analyst who runs an independent research institute in Tokyo. “Plus, his argument isn’t going to sway world opinion anyway. Even if the military wasn’t pointing guns at the women, they still could have been coerced.”Apparently in a nod to such concerns, Mr. Abe appeared to pull back from a comment last week denying that the women had been forced at all to work in brothels.

On Monday, he told Parliament he supported the 1993 government statement, which acknowledged that the military had at least an indirect role in forcing the women into sexual slavery.That government had also apologized to the women and set up a fund to pay them compensation, which is set to expire this month.“There probably was not anyone who followed that path because they wanted to follow it,” Mr. Abe said, speaking of the women’s entry into military brothels. “In the broad sense, there was coercion.”With that limited concession, Mr. Abe appeared to be trying to defuse a growing diplomatic row with Asian neighbors over last week’s denial, which outraged officials and women’s groups across the region.As opinion polls show his approval falling among Japanese voters, Mr. Abe can ill afford to be seen as provoking China and South Korea, much less undermining ties with the United States, political analysts and opposition lawmakers said.“If Japan doesn’t apologize and repent for its past violations of human rights, won’t it lose international trust?” a lawmaker from the opposition Democratic Party, Toshio Ogawa, asked Mr. Abe during Monday’s parliamentary debate.

Mr. Morita and others said that vowing to ignore the possible House resolution appeared to be an attempt by Mr. Abe to appease his conservative base even as he supported the 1993 statement.But Mr. Abe’s claims that Japan had no official role in its military brothels carried another potential public relations risk, they said: in making such denials, he was in effect dismissing as liars the aging women now coming forward with tearful testimony of their ordeals.One was Lee Yong-soo, 78, from South Korea, who testified in the House last month that she had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers at age 16 and raped repeatedly at an army brothel.

In a news conference last week in Tokyo, she said Japanese soldiers had dragged her from her home, covering her mouth so she could not call to her mother.“I want Japan and the Japanese prime minister to apologize,” she said. “As a victim who was forcibly taken, as someone who lived through those events, I’m a living witness.”

History can be Changed...See?

Yes, this is a major issue here in Korea. Women are furious. Japan has a very unambiguous reputation of ‘revising’ their history. The books are modified to enhance Japan’s position by removing their own heinous crimes or elucidating and highlighting those of others. But, I must say this in response: The United States, who is seeking to ameliorate its current international political woes by bringing positive attention to their actions, is also guilty of the same heinous crimes. Moreover, they are guilty of altering and completely reconstructing history to improve their own images as well. They may not have called them ‘comfort women’ in our case… but most were called ‘colored women’… same difference.

The problem here is a matter of social education. In an effort to increase patriotism, reduce violent crimes, and maintain an entire country that adheres to basic religious tenets, both countries have had to conceal past actions (and some hide current actions) to provide an example for their inhabitants to follow. American History cannot be taught as it really occurred because, in doing this, students would learn that in order to become a superpower, or ‘the best,’ it is acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, kill (and let be massacred), covet our neighbors’ possessions (oil, diamonds, ahem!), disrespect your roots (take a quick look at immigration, or on the basis by which the US was founded to clarify this), and to put your country before God (we can’t pray in school, but we can ‘pledge allegiance to a flag’), and so forth. Japan, likewise, has a history of deception and boundless massacres. And, they too have achieved great things for their actions.

Now, suddenly, the world cares? No. The great powers on Earth are afraid of losing in the race for late penalties for their actions. It’s not until a country gains major status, that they cover the trail of how they got there. Japan’s prime minister is no exception. George W. Bush is no exception. Tony Blair is no exception. And all the while, women are finding their ‘comfort’ status all over the world. Who is fighting for them? Who even acknowledges them? Everyday, tears fall on another woman who has been forced to satisfy someone else…our own country’s leadership takes advantage of women; what is happening in other countries, especially developing countries?

The Battle for Peace of Mind

We often describe vacilations between our hearts and our minds, but seldom do we really explore the incongruencies of our conscious and our subconscious selves. Within the same structure, the mind is often at war with itself-our daylight fights till dusk with our nights who then fight till dawn with day. Our dreams uncover many of the hidden mysteries of our subconscious. We see what we want to be or have, what we are afraid of the most, what we don't want to accept as part of our realities. When we have dreams, we declare them to be fantasies or unreal adaptations of the circumstances that are present in our conscious lives. As we awaken, we witness the battleground of the war of the minds...and frequently, as we struggle to remember the details of our dreams, we see our consciousness winning the war to supress the enemy.

Likewise, the struggle continues in the waking hours, when we feel that 'sixth sense' about something. The battle trudges along as we make decisions without thinking, take risks, and challenge th face value of the world around us. We say things like 'Deep down inside, I know..." or "I don't know why, but..." to introduce our subconscious. And when we go along with our gut feelings, our instincts, the victory goes to the subconscious.

And sometimes, you walk the line in a tie. And what does this have to do with anything?, you may be asking.

Several years ago, I was gang raped. I struggled on both levels to deal with the the pain and the physical and mental scars that were left afterwards. I focused my energies to physical recovery first, and intended to move on to the mental recovery. But, as life has it, I didn't really get the opportunity to really deal with things, as I was bombarded with more pressing issues, like fighting cancer, growing spiritually, and making a future for myself. Dealing with the past seemed unnecessary since I never thought I'd need to revisit it. I mean, why cry over spilled milk, right?

I graduated with honors from undergrad, suma cum laude from graduate school, and excelled in my chosen profession, teaching. I began to find unrelenting happiness. It was as if I were climbing a ladder, and the higher I climbed, the happier I felt. I have become so much more confident in myself, I've learned to love who I am, where I am from, and have grown so much spiritually. I decided to make my life what I wanted it to be. And this worked, at least while I was awake. I was often plagued with nightmares, but I was blessed with conscious amnesia. So, until last year, I ,essentially, was doing fine.

It is so easy to talk yourself into believing something to be true, even if it isn't completely accurate. The mind is strong, powerful, unbelievably deceptive at times, but simultaneously brutally honest. I'd convinced myself that I was over it. That I'd survived and moved on. I really believed it, too.

Then, in the market, I looked up to see one of my predators staring face to face with me. He was with his family. I froze. I couldn't move. I was so terrified. My dreams rushed to the front of my mind, the pain returned. I could almost smell him. I returned to that moment. Tears fell. I lost again. Defeat hurts.

I cried a little that night. Told myself to get over it, and seemingly moved on. Maybe it was my subconscious calling out, but shortly after, I moved to S. Korea. Coincidence? Probably not.
I took this opportunity to further my personal and spiritual growth. I did this for me. I have never been happier.

But one week ago, as I was waiting for the bus, I found myself again, staring straight into the face of another predator. This time, I didn't freeze so much. This time, he didn't completely recognize me. But my spirit was paralyzed. I wanted so much to just quit everything and leave. At the first signs of drama at home, I was getting ready to pack up and go home. Any excuse to get away. In an attempt to be honest with my boyfriend, I partially told him what was going on and how I felt. But, I almost gave in to the idea that I would not come to visit him, as he lives near to where I'd seen my past. I kept thinking, "DAMN IT!! I'm in SOUTH KOREA for God sakes!!!!!"

Here's where now, I just have to face the things my subconscious has been trying to resolve for years. So, I will make my declarations public, so that all the world knows how I can never be defeated like this again.
1. I was a victim of a horrible crime. I regret that my fear and compassion for others kept me from finding closure in reporting the crime to authorities.
2. I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM, I am now a VICTOR. I have excelled in all of my ventures, survived every blow life has dealt, and continue to THRIVE. I am unstoppable.
3. No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Not physical weapons, not mental weapons, not spiritual weapons. I am protected. I am saved and 'safe from all hurt, harm, danger, and evil.' (thanks mommy)
4. I am blessed with love, life, and happiness. These things cannot be destroyed. Love conquers all, life eternal is guaranteed, and happiness is guarded with everything I am. NO ONE will ever steal my joy again.
5. It is okay for me to remember my past. But I have to FORGIVE all the people who have ever tried to do harm to me. And from this moment, they are forgiven. From this moment, their actions have no control over me. I am free.

Now, a message to them:

To the twelve: I may have fallen once, but I got back up and that makes me stronger than you. You could not keep me down. So, in the end, I win. And please be advised, I am a child of God. You cannot hurt me anymore. The people in the world may never know what you did, but God knows. And, the penalty that you face is far worse than anything you could ever do to me. This war is over. You are hereby forced to surrender.

I win, game over.

Winter Finishline!

Right now, as February is just starting, it is still difficult to imagine the blooms and colors that March and April will bring. Many of us are so boggled down by the various shades of grey that pervade our daily lives, that the ability to look into the rich beauty of the Spring eludes us. For most, it is too much to bring color into their lives today by borrowing it from tomorrow. We get so bogged down with the present moment we can’t even think about what’s happening this weekend, much less next month!
And, understandably so. This is where creativity, imagination, and positive thinking come into play. You see, we each have the propensity to endure long harsh winters because everyone of us possesses a unique visual capacity that resides behind our eyes. Our brain is capable of seeing what it wants to see and overlooking those things that it would prefer not to see. With this amazing feature, we are able to create our own color. All we have to do is alter the way we think about our vision.
For me, winter is a wonderful time of the year because I see images as a child would see a page of a coloring book. I can make the people in my life any color I want, I can add to what I see, black out those things I don’t need/want to see. But my advantage over the kid is far reaching: I don’t have to limit my imagination to the 8, 12, 24 or 96 colors in the box. I can mix and match in ways before impossible. And, with this vision, I can bring color into my life and spread a little color in the lives of others.
On a more physical note, I also engage in some winter survival activities to alleviate the inherent stress involved in snow storms, high cold, biting winds, ice, heavy coats, and shared grumpiness.
1. I add color to my own wardrobe. Many people fall into the pattern of wearing blacks, grays, dull browns, and dark blues exclusively. By bringing out the reds, yellows, and oranges, you share a sense of warmth. Blues, purples, and greens tend to bring out feelings of refreshing peace. You not only feel the affects within yourself, but against a backdrop of grays, whites, and blacks, you stand out and look beautiful in the process.
2. I wear makeup more often. In the winter, you can wear glittery stuff (eye shadows, lipsticks/glosses) more easily because of the representations of snow that glitter carries. It’s fun, it makes you feel good and you certainly look great. Wearing natural tones, and just enough makeup to highlight your features, let’s people see your natural beauty (our skin is usually much clearer in the winter than in the summer) and makes them focus on your jazzed up wardrobe.
3. I smile. I smile at EVERYONE, no matter how I feel when I leave in the morning. I smile anyway. I find that one thing in life that makes me smile and think about it all day. Smiling at others makes you feel better, and believe it or not, makes other people feel better. Many times, people will reflect what they experience…so smiling at someone might lead to someone smiling back!

Enjoy your February!

Nicole in Korea: January Edition!

Greetings!

I hope this entry finds you all in great and wonderful spirits. I have been so busy lately, it’s been taking a bit of time to get back to some of the emails I’ve been receiving. I love to read them though, so keep ‘em coming!

Anyway, here’s my news update for the January Edition:

1. On Saturday night, we had an earthquake here. It was pretty exciting. I hadn’t realized they had earthquakes here in Korea. So, it was pretty unexpected! It wasn’t serious (4.4 on the Richter).
2. I am becoming a star…lol… I am in a commercial for my gym. I saw it last week for the first time…it was pretty fun. I am also going to be on television in a new commercial (for an Indian food restaurant) on the 31st!
3. I got a new digital camera so I will be taking more pictures... the ones I attached are just some from my weekend outings. J
4. I won a dance contest—not belly dancing, booty dancing. I must admit though that I had an unfair advantage over the other people…I have a butt (and hips). I annihilated them!!! I won $$ and free drinks… and since I don’t drink, I have a lot of new friends…lol…
5. I went skiing and didn’t break anything. I had a blast, mastered the 50 yard tumble…but nothing broke! It was great. I went snow tubing, snow boarding, and when we’d frozen beyond belief, we went for spa treatments! God, it’s nice to be able to have some 4 foot 2 man jump on your back and make your muscles relax!!
6. I have been working winter intensives so I have been at work from 8am until about 11pm. Lot’s of time at work…can’t wait for the check in a couple of weeks…whooo hooo!! Besides I LOVE my job!
7. I am still belly dancing and loving it. I will be headed to Japan in one month for another competition. I seem to be pretty good…maybe that was the key to my success…lol…
8. I posted some pretty silly New Year’s Celebration videos on my myspace page… you can check them out. I am just being silly (I promise no alcohol!) www.myspace.com/msdoriannicole (click on ‘view my videos’ under the profile picture)
9. My health is finally under control. I am in complete remission. I am not sure how, but that’s what the doctors have been telling me. God works in ways we haven’t even the capacity to understand.
10. I manage to feel at least 10% happier than I did the day before…it’s like: How happy can one person be? I smile so much my cheeks hurt at the end of the day!

Everything is just amazing. I can’t even list all of the wonderful things that are happening to me right now.

I can’t think of everything I am sure. All I do remember and thank God for everyday is this overwhelming peace of mind and real genuine happiness. When you get to a point in life where nothing and no one can steal your joy, you are really living. Everyday, my smile gets brighter and wider, my spirit soars higher, and my stomach aches because of the feast of laughter. I love life, and it seems to love me right back! I even wrote Oprah and told her about it. J

I have no idea when I am coming back... but you’ll know when I know. In the meantime… SMILE!! If you are up for sending care packages, I would like a couple of things from the states…just cuz:
1. Starburst (tropical fruit)
2. Vanilla Oreos (mmmm)
3. cheap walmart/target tshirts like to wear outside though…not undershirts.. (size M?)

That’s it I suppose. I have found almost everything else! See…what a wonderful world! I miss you guys… be good and send me updates about what’s happening in your lives. I want pictures!

Love Always,

Doriannicole


P.S. John, that little flannel and vest are getting their use!!! Whoo.. I am SOOOO glad to have them… it is so cold over here! Thanks again. :)

New Year's Resolutions 101

At the start of every new year, people all over the world make resolutions to improve their lives in some way. They say they will lose the weight, they say they will eat healthier, they say they will go to church more, they say they will be more honest, they say they will do better work. They say a lot.

Here's why we quit before we get there:
1. People say what they are going to do but they never actually decide to do it. They make very superficial decisions...they don't claim the accomplishments they desire to achieve. For example, one may say "This year, I want to lose weight." But, while this is an admirable start, they haven't finished the process. You have to claim your goals. That statement should then be modified to say "By June, I will have lost 35 lbs." or "By March, I will fit into that pair of jeans." It's not enough to just want to do something. When you claim it, then all of your efforts go in that direction. Your mind begins to think of ways of accomplishing that goal, and ultimately, you achieve it.

2. People hold on to too much baggage to be able to accept anything else. So, they subconsciously make excuses. They say "I want to lose weight" and then follow that with "but I can't exercise because of my knee/back/etc." Instead, they should say, "I will lose weight, in spite of my bad knee" and maybe even follow it up with "and my knee/back/etc will feel better with the lighter load." We do the same things with other things, like relationships, for example.

3. Too often, we don't know WHY we want to do something. Keeping sight of your reasoning for doing something is a major motivating factor down the line when you feel yourself slipping. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to become a millionaire? No matter what the goal, you have to have a trigger, a reason for doing it.

4. People don't really believe they will be able to achieve their goals. It is not enough to think that you might be able to pull it off. You have to know that you can do it. You have to visualize yourself already having achieved the goal.

With these simple steps, you will accomplish whatever you set out to accomplish, whether you start January 1 or July 6. Good thoughts!

Nicole in Korea 9

Happy Holidays!!!

I know it has been about a month since I sent out my last edition but I have been super busy! I have been belly dancing so much I think I am beginning to do it in my sleep! Between the performances and salsa dancing on the weekends, and my lunatic personal trainer, I am getting pretty fit! I think my personal trainer is becoming obsessed! I am going to have to slide out of there soon before I disappear!

Work is great! I got a raise and a bonus! I have been recognized as an S-level teacher (which is the highest level) and everything is going pretty smoothly. I have been doing winter intensives, which means I teach three classes a day instead of two. It sounds like something simple, but it is really pretty intense (I suppose that’s why they are called ‘intensives’, huh?). As you all know, I am not good with staying completely put for long so I am looking into teaching for the Department of Defense Schools- which would allow me to teach AND travel as I please…and the benefits are GREAT! I am sure that working for the DOD School System will be a plus on my resume when I apply for the Secretary of Education position in 20 years….or I can work for DODS and retire altogether in 20….with full benefits!

My health is doing wonderfully…for the most part! I still need to figure out how to get some more iron and sugar into my blood stream but I am sure that will work itself out! I am even undergoing an allergy treatment to convince my body that caffeine is not a bad thing! I have been increasing tolerance and maybe by the end of March or April, I’ll be able to have a cup of green tea! or a Rum and Coke! (Lol…just kidding)

The weather is becoming easier to deal with. I am slowly figuring out how to stay warm! As usual though, I cannot keep my hands warm…I don’t think I get blood to my hands or something because they are always cold! And my feet too! Below is the view out of my window! We’ll see how it feels in January. I am investing in good warm gloves….
God I miss the tropical weather!

I find time to socialize and enjoy things. Everyday is great! I have had no bad days here! I think it’s just a different attitude about things that has transformed all of my days! I am very very happy. I cannot think of another time in my life that I have even come close to the level of happiness that I am experiencing here. I feel like I am working with a purpose. I am in love with life and that is just the best feeling ever!

I miss you all so much. I have decided that if I do stay over here in Korea for another year or more, then, I will return to the US for a month or so to see everyone…and to go shopping!!!! I need to shop in stores where a size 6 is not considered Large… a 10 is plus size!!

I have never felt more blessed than I do at this very moment! And I must say that each of you has contributed to this moment in one way or another… I love ya’ll!!

Just Put the Baggage Down

Many times, I have thought about how each experience, each new encounter, each new person, each new thought adds color to my life. The richness of the lessons I learn, from the feelings I have the opportunity to personally define and recreate, have proven essential to the redecoration of my life.

When we date, in the years before marriage (or in those years between marriages), we enter into a path of successive approximation, whereby we gradually increase our standards and move closer to our goal incrementally. By dating and getting to know other people more intimately, we somehow find ourselves revealing our own idiosyncrasies to the world around us. We develop and demarcate specific standards that correspond to our personal needs, wants, and expectations for the future.

That scary moment comes when we decide that the dating stage is over. That moment when we determine that we have grown to a point from which we would like to share future growth with one other individual, is one of the most heart wrenching moments in our lives. That minute when we realize that building ourselves through families and partnerships is life changing. For once that moment has come, our actions and attitudes toward those who have not reached this point, change drastically, as do our attitudes toward dating in general.

Each of us looks back in reflection and says: Who have I become? Who do I want to become? And how can this person help me to get there? This is when relationships drastically end, become immobilized, or take sharp unexpected turns to get on the desired course. Unfortunately, those desires and expectations are not aligned with reality and the courses ends in a devastating collision between reality and make believe. And, then what?

I was desperately trying to avoid this collision. And in my avoidance, I may have chosen to avoid relationships altogether, constantly seeking flaws in my mate or myself that would prevent me from committing to such a catastrophe. I determined that I was not CAPABLE of a serious long term relationship, or marriage. I conceded to not being ‘wifey material.’ I used everything, my illness, my weight, my location, my past, everything, as excuses as to why I should just be alone. It almost immobilized me.

So, now, instead of trying to predetermine my own path, I have resigned to allow my footsteps to be lead by God’s will. And suddenly, I don’t feel so afraid. I know now, that I am being groomed and cultivated like a flower in a meadow, by every person I encounter, by every relationship I enter, by every path that crosses mine. While I am not looking for anything from anyone, I will not run from a serious relationship anymore…I am going to listen to my heart more and I know that as soon as God thinks I am ready, he’ll send someone…when I least expect it.

Recently, I have been blessed with encounters with many wonderful people. I have, as a result, begun to blossom as a person. I have begun to express myself, defend myself, and to be honest with others and myself, no matter the perceived consequences. The more I grow as a person, the less I need to lean on my baggage. I am also learning how to pack lightly--getting rid of the things I don't need to carry around, and learning how to just put the baggage down for a little while. I mean, who travels and carries their bags with them all day, everyday? This is my journey, I can leave the bags for a while.

Seasons Greetings!!

The fire of summer’s sun permeates the leaves and creates fall. As the heat passes from one element to another, the weather we experience vacillates between cool and warm, hot and cold, sunny and wet. The brilliance of the sun is reflected in each leaf, as it turns to a beautiful jewel sharing its colors with gold, rubies, and amethysts.

And then, once the leaves can take no more of the summer’s warmth, they fall wearily to the ground, leaving the trees barren, colorless, and emaciated. Because the limbs won’t intercept the flakes, the snow drifts merrily and gracefully to the ground, covering all it encounters. The trees, barren and dull, permit the white splendor of winter to assume the spotlight. The beauty of winter is accessorized harmoniously with the bold and brilliant colors of the sky, the deep blues, the many hues of pink, orange, yellow that accompany the extraordinary sunrises and sunsets that only winter offers.

And then, when the white grows tired and restless, and the sky tired of carrying the burden of being bright and perfect, the greens and colorful flowers of spring return and carry the torch. The rain cleans the world of the impurities that may keep the green from returning. And the flowers, in every color imaginable, suddenly appear, peeking between the leaves, blooming, blossoming, and coming into their own.

As the season continues, the flowers of spring are replaced with those of the summer; even bolder, more courageous, and outspoken.

And when, they are too loud, the sun quiets them, calms them, and passes their energy to the leaves…and the cycle begins again.

In House Renovations

Amazing. That's how I would describe the way I feel right now. It has been a long long time since I have been so at peace with my life. In fact, let me amend that statement: I have never been so at peace with my life. I have realized that peace exists on so many different levels, but to achieve real peace, you HAVE to start on the innermost level.

I found that I had to find peace within myself. I had to dig around and talk to that person that no one but me has ever met. That person that I conceal from even myself, at times. That person to whom I push all of my pain and frustration, that person who carries the heavy burdens and the hardships, the person who gives and sacrifices everything she has for the well being of everyone else and who never ever asks for anything in return. This is where I started.

When I got there, she was a wreck! Imagine walking into a room where nothing is in it's rightful place, where things have been broken or damaged from being stepped on and/or thrown around. There are so many bags in this room, it's difficult to even get through the door. It's hard to breathe, there is no air...walk too far in and you too will suffocate. No air and lots of tears makes the room warm and humid. Unbearable. This was my room. This is where I lived...better yet, this is where I almost died.

The humiliation of the room's condition prevented the invitation of guests. So no one ever knew what was behind that closed, locked, dreadful door. On the other side of the same wall, everything was pristine, immaculate, beautiful. This is what I showed the rest of the world. I could have sold the house on this part alone.

But eventually the mess of the room began to overflow into the rest of the house. The smell of my dying body permeated the air; the frame of the house began to swell because of the humidity. It even began to show on the outside. I let the grass on the lawn become overgrown. I stopped painting the shutters. And after the season of storms, it was really looking tattered.

My house was not in good condition. It affected everything. An infestation of mold, growing like cancer, was taking over my house. Pretty soon, everything in my life became part of my jungle. It was too difficult to deal with. I had no idea where to go and who to call. I was lost in my own house. Lost in my own person. I had no way out.

I'd spent so much time looking strong that eventually, I was too weak to support my own weight. To everyone who never rode down my block, I was a success. I have always been an excellent student, liked by most people, and full of energy. But everything was beginning to fade.
Finally, it happened. I ran out of tears. I decided, with some motivation from a cute little seven-year old girl, that I was going to get my life together. I went to school, focused on my classes but also on myself. I began to reflect on the many things that had caused me to fear life. I thought about reasons and explanations for the many failed relationships, the feigned happiness. I decided right then that I wanted real happiness. And I set out on this mission. I called it the PEACE CORE (I went into high intensity danger zones in search of peace.)

I started to deal with things I hadn't dealt with before. I began to search for alternative ways to view the events that had plagued my life. And most importantly, I began some serious spring spiritual cleaning. I just threw out things that didn't matter. And to be honest, I'd been harboring many inconsequential things. Getting rid of those things made it possible for me to get more indepth with the things that do matter the most.

It has been 15 months since this transformation began. I can honestly say, that while that room isn't quite as clean as I want it to be, it's well on its way. And, my grass is cut, the shutters are repaired...although there are somethings that can be done still....but, I am working on each thing one day at a time.

Thanks to this experience in Korea and to the unexpected miracles I have met, the last three months have been fantastic! I honestly believe that God puts people in your path, makes you trip over them even, so that they can help you up. I grabbed a helping hand and it has been amazing. I have smiled everyday, learned to love me inspite of my imperfections, and am realizing that I do have something to offer the world.

I have been able to voice my aspirations in ways I never thought possible. I am now working toward a goal, I have a mission...and, although it sounds a bit cliche, I have a dream. And with God's help, my own determination, and the support of people in my life, I will realize it! I promise.

Doriannicole in Korea 8

Greetings to My Peeps Back in da Hood(s)!!

Ok...I am sorry. It has just been a while since I have had the opportunity to be ethnic!! Ok... I’m done now...

Anyway, I am just emailing with my new updates and happenings from the other side of the world!! I guess I’ll start with the most important information first!

I competed in a belly dance exhibition/competition sponsored by UNICEF on Sunday. There were 38 pairs competing for the top 5 slots. They were from all over Korea. I am proud to say, that I danced alone, half naked, on a stage in front of more than 1,000 people (mainly business men in black suits) for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Our routine (my partner and me) consisted of a 3 min solo for her, 2.5 min duet, and my piece at the end. I am waiting for pictures as no one was permitted cameras, except members of the press and random hired photographers. I have some backstage pictures taken just before makeup that I have attached. (ignore the love handles... I’m working on them!) In the end, we came in 5th place! Which for me was a great achievement!!! I’d expected to be like 37, 38... so this was fabulous! (I am not going to mention how nervous I was before and during and how I bottled everything up and saved it for the massive vomiting session immediately following my performance! Not a pretty sight... maybe next time I won’t be so crazy...)
Over the weekend, winter showed up. I had previously thought that winter had already come...but nope! It proved to me yesterday that this may be the coldest winter I’ve ever lived through! Yesterday brought with it frozen rain, and then flurries... and wind...like Chicago wind....it was a cold I’d not seen in a long time. And this is just the beginning. It snowed a little last night, and today’s sunny high of 36 and tonight’s expected low of 21 is not exactly comforting. So, I am asking for anything you have to keep me warm... It doesn’t matter that I’ve made it down to a US 10/12 in clothing size; I’m still too big to shop here!!! I did find a coat though. I got it today!! I was nice and warm (almost) on the walk home from work....now I need some good gloves and some winter boots... I am looking online.
I am still loving my job. My students are great! Still funny, still witty, and still making me smile on a daily basis. I have a great schedule and am hoping for the same or similar schedule next term. We only have three more weeks until the end of the term! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing. I keep myself so busy that I don’t keep up with the calendar!! I feel like I wake up and say: Oh my, it’s already November! And I think, didn’t I just say this last week about October?
I got a webcam so you all can see me!! If you use skype to call me, we can do a video call and you can see me. It also works with msn and aol...I’m pumped up about it...so go back to the old email I sent and download skype!!
There was a strike in my building so no one cleaned for 3.5 weeks...trash was piling up everywhere... so you know I had to be ignorant and make a big complaint and demand that it be cleaned up....they cleaned our floor and the front of the building!! I was shocked!!! Nicole has some authoritaaayy!!! My Korean is getting better each day, I understand about 70% of what I hear the first time (an increase of about 70% since I got here!) and I can communicate pretty clearly and effectively (although I use very formal speech and my electronic translator, at times).

I have no more news, I am so busy these days that I forget what I wanted to tell you guys before I get a chance to write!!

I need some tastykake butterscotch krimpets and some PAM non stick spray (original or olive oil)!!! Send me letters or something, the only things I ever get in the mail are bills in Korean! (Although I got a nice birthday card and a mommy sent care package...by the way mom, I am out of vanilla oreos!) I miss you all a lot, sort of.

Love Always,

Doriannicole

Random...But I like stuff like this!! From an email...

From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonderabout those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have allbeen in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How aboutachieving 101%? What equals 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will getyou there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Nicole in Korea 7

Hellooooooooo Over There!!!!!!

First, I am writing to address the 110 million (ok, slight exaggerationJ) emails that I received about N. Korea. I am going about life here as normally as before without any interruptions. As it stands, we just stay abreast of the news and keep on trucking. No one seems overly worried and most agree that N. Korea has basically signed their own death certificate by challenging China, their closest and basically only ally. That said, tensions are minimal...there was more about the Yankee’s pitcher crashing his plane than nuclear threats. So, in the words of ...well somebody...’”I’m aiiiight!”

Second, things are absolutely wonderful here. I LOVE where I live more and more each day! I am learning so much in my Korean class. And, what makes it even better is the fact that I use everything I learn in class immediately. So, it sticks better. In my building, there is everything. I could exist without ever leaving... there are restaurants, bridal zones, a state of the art gym, my belly dancing classes, three convenience stores, and the list goes on... I haven’t explored the entire building. I’ll wait till it’s really cold, because u know I am not going to be running around Seoul in the snow...

Classes are excellent. It’s hard to believe we are already finishing week 7 of this term. I am celebrating the highest retention rate (got an award!) and the company’s CEO sat in on my class during his visit to the campus. He told me that I was an excellent teacher and that he thoroughly enjoyed his time in the class. I also have been enjoying similar comments from students and parents. It makes me feel good that I can do something so well...but I feel better knowing that I am going to get the maximum bonus at the end of the term (4 more weeks!!) J

My students are HILARIOUS!!! They are the most clever kids with whom I’ve ever worked. I can’t even think on that level sometimes. For instance, this week, I decided to make some rules for our second hour activity, the creation and performing of a dialogue in which the students get new vocabulary and a quick prompt. Each week, in every class, no matter the prompt...the end result is always either murder, calling the police for something, bribery, or something involving a bleeped swear. So, I banned all of the above from their dialogues. At first, they were upset and complaining (to which I flung my arm up-in complete hokey doke fashion- and started singing ‘Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care’. They have a LOVE/HATE relationship with that song!! J ) but then, they got creative...damn kids. They still shot each other in a fit of anger but the other person didn’t die. They called the AMBULANCE...not the police... I even had students who referred their cases to the FBI instead of the police. In other words, they went all around my rules to achieve the same goal...violence. (I must admit, I was impressed and I laughed my head off during the performances!)

My social life is likewise busy. I went shopping the other day and bought myself a very Korean mini sweater-dress! I am still in shock. It is to be worn with my brand new boots that I had custom made for $100 dollars. (I’d pay almost that much for boots that hurt in the US!) Wait until I put all of that together...it’s going to be great....

I am always gone somewhere with somebody. No rest for the weary. So if you are trying to reach me but getting voicemail, DON”T GIVE UP! I check it and hear all messages. I just can’t always call you back due to time differences. When time goes back at the end of the month, we will still be 14 hours ahead of you. But overall, all is well. Life is good. No complaints from me!! I miss you all soooo much. I can’t wait to send you new pictures...just too busy for the camera lately... but I’ll get back on the ball. Attached is the most recent picture of me... Now, I have already been likened to chik-o stick candy, circus peanut candies, and orange sherbet popsicles. I will send a new one with more muted clothing next time.

Love you!!

Doriannicole

Nicole in Korea 6

Helloooooooo over there!!!

My camera is officially broken! L I have to take it to a repair shop...(it might be a while guys...)

It’s okay though because I look like crap anyways. I messed around and had some soup last night. It was vegetable soup but the broth...it was BEEF broth. Needless to say, I have been vomiting all night. I now cannot even hold anything down. This morning, I damn near passed out trying to run, so I went to the hospital (conveniently located next to my apartment bldg.) and they told me that aside from food poisoning (associated with beef bacteria?), I was extremely dehydrated. They made me stay in the hospital with an IV attached to give me fluids. He tried to give me a medication that would keep me from vomiting...didn’t work. It came up too. After about 4.5 hours there, I ‘snuck out’ of the hospital. I told the nurse that I was going for a walk. And I did ( I just didn’t come back). Instead, I went to work, they sent me home. (I didn’t even get a choice L) My boss came home with me and made me some boiled water and salt crackers (don’t ask, I didn’t), sat here for about an hour until I fell asleep, and left a very nice get well note for me in the window.

On a much brighter note, life is good (as long as I stay AWAY from beef)! I am enjoying everything as much now (if not a bit more) than I did when I came here. It is hard to believe we are coming up on two months already!! It’s been a blast. I am in the best of all worlds now. My bosses think I am ‘an asset to this branch...in fact, you’re an asset to the entire company.’ I got that in a note from the BIG DAWG!! I corrected so many quizzes that I now make them.... EVEN MORE MONEY FOR ME.... It’s just an extra 650 dollars a month for 16 hours a month. So, I work a grand total of 136 hours a month and make more than I did stateside in 3 months. Not bad... I love it. The best part is that I absolutely love my students and all of their clever wit and kind spirits. They keep me on my toes and they keep me laughing...and I do the same for them.

We had a listening activity for one of my classes. It was an interview with a psychologist about shyness. During this SEVEN minute long track, he said that ‘shy people tend to have less intimate relationships, less sex, less fun...’ Well, wouldn’t you know it? My students picked up on that sentence QUICK. As soon as the track was finished my very bright elementary student Eric said: ’Nicole, you are not shy at all; you are very outgoing. So does that mean you have a lot of sex?’ I looked at him, trying desperately to mask my horror, and was about to tell him that asking about people’s sex life is rude in America, when I was saved. Lauren, another student, jumped in and said “Duh Eric, you’re so stupid. Nicole is not even married!” to which all of the students in the class chimed in : ‘Yeah Eric, that was a dumb question!’
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! Thank God for small miracles...so smart yet so innocent!! I just moved on to the next topic.

I’ve met some very interesting people. I went to church last Sunday. It was a very unique experience. I enjoyed it, I think. I am not sure I agree with everything said in the service but it may have been something lost in translation. I got up to leave after service and was swarmed by the church’s worker bees.... ‘Where are you going? Aren’t you staying for fellowship?” So after church, I spent another hour socializing with the church people. It was fun but not like church at home. I have also been making friends in random places... in the bank, in the metro, on the bus, in the market, etc. So, by last weekend, my phone was ringing off the hook...I couldn’t even rest because everyone was calling to go out/hang out. This weekend is already off to the same start. But, because I don’t feel well, I think I am going to stay in for a couple days and recuperate.

I miss you guys (not enough to come back J). I can’t wait to hear from you. You can send care packages at any time (Just remember, I am allergic to chocolate, caffeine and I don’t like coconut). Anything else is game though!! J

Love Always,

Doriannicole

P.S. P.S. P.S. P.S.
1. Mommy, please send my sweaters before I freeze over here!!! Thank you.
2. Anyone in the DC, VA, MD area (can you send me some Tastykake butterscotch crumpets?)
3. Altoids cinnamon gum would be FABULOUS right about now!

Nicole in Korea 5

Greetings Everyone!!

I know that it has been almost three weeks since I sent the last installment of ‘Doriannicole in Korea,’ but I have been extremely busy. First, I finally moved into my apartment! Yayee!! It was somewhat dramatic because I spent so much time in the hotel. I was dying to get out of there. While it was a nice hotel, certain things just erked every nerve I had. For one, the housekeeping went through my belongings on a daily basis. At one point, I came in and there were 5 housekeeping staff members in my room!!! Nothing was ever taken, as that would be ‘of the highest disgrace,’ but the nosey wenches just unfolded and wrinkled all my clothes, mixed them all up... and ya’ll know how I am about my stuff...I have particular orders for things! But anyway, I am out and in my apartment.

I was told that my apartment would be fully furnished. I am sad to say, that is not by Western standards. Fully furnished here means, washer/dryer, gas range, heat/ac, refrigerator, etc. So, when they handed me the book of ‘furniture’ I was picking out stoves (none with ovens) and refrigerators. J HAHA!! I was a bit taken aback but it’s okay. Definitely a WTF moment though! I designed the living room and it won’t cost much to make this place just perfect. The apartment itself is PERFECT!! I love it! I decided to have a roommate because I just didn’t want to get lonely when Korea started to get on my nerves. I met her in the states and we just happened to be here at the same time. It’ll be awesome. With our work schedules, we don’t see much of each other, though. This may be a good thing, never know. J The apartment is spacious (2 bedroom, 1 bath) with living room and kitchen! The floors are hardwood, there’s lots of cabinet space, and my closet is fit just for me. Lots of compartments and places for me to do what I love to do most, ORGANIZE!! We are on the 5th floor so we have a pretty nice view. I chose the apartment that was most comfortable on the inside rather than that which had the better view. This one shows some of the mountains, but not as much. It’s okay though because I am less than a block from the river, the park, the beautiful views, etc. And I work with an awesome view from my classroom! So, I’ll be okay!

Work is good. It can be a bit challenging because the students are SOOOO DAMN SMART!!! Damn those ASIANS for sending their kids to school for 100 hours a day! HAHA! You always have to be on point, because they will correct ANY mistakes you may make. Luckily, I teach listening, which is GREAT for me. It’s like stand up comedy. It’s fun, the students enjoy it, and they are learning all kinds of new words, phrases, and proverbs. I have used colloquialisms and slang during class, and the sponges that I teach spit them back out correctly almost immediately. I always say, ‘You get one....and you don’t know how to act.’ So one day, I said to a student; ’You get one little A and you don’t know how to act’. Later, in their creative dialogue (where they create a dialogue) he tells the other character, ‘You have one little fly in your soup, and now you don’t know how to act!’ I almost fell on the floor!! I was rolling! This happens almost everyday, and the kids spend most of their night just laughing and me laughing at them. Somehow, we do finish all of our assignments!


On the fun note, I went out this weekend to a bar/club event, and won a ‘dance off.’ I must say, inhibitions aside, I can shake my bum pretty well... (at least by Korean standards!). I met a guy who teaches hip hop dance here. It was awesome. I really had a great time. I am starting my Korean classes this week and I am going to take belly dancing classes starting in two weeks. (I just think it will be lots of fun and good exercise!) Somehow, I have broken my camera... so no new pictures for you yet. I have some, but I have to find another way to get them on the computer. And, I have changed my hair once again! No more braids. Pictures of everything will be coming soon to an email account near you. BTW, fall came over the weekend. It is officially chilly outside.

More customs for you all to learn:
Never enter a home without taking off your shoes. This means that you must wear easy on/off shoes and have clean, non holey socks! J
Women cannot laugh/show emotion in front of someone of higher status without covering their mouths/faces. So my female students laugh by tucking their heads, covering their mouths, and laughing quietly (although sometimes, not so quietly).
Always bring a gift when you are invited to someone’s home...anything will do (I brought some fruit from the corner fruit stand when I visited my coworker’s parents)
Almost all Koreans have cell phones (I do too!). For this, if you don’t have one, your status drops immediately. I just used the ‘I’m new’ excuse. But I had to get one soon.
To set up an appointment doesn’t mean it is going to happen at that time. In the US, if I say, meet me at the café tomorrow at 10am, and you say ‘ok’, it’s done. Here, I must call you at 9:30 am to confirm. And if I am late, no worries. No one get’s mad. When making such appointments, people always say ‘around 10am’ so 10:15 is fine. J Great for some people I know back home!
Finally, going to the Market is fun as hell. Everyone gets these little green toothpicks. And you hold on to your toothpick for the duration of your shopping experience. There are always tons of free samples. You can be ignorant about the samples. People don’t just take one; they stack the food on the stick as much as they can. They will also kill for a sample. They are jumping over each other trying to get the stuff first! They are yelling, and the employees are yelling... they don’t even wait for the stuff to be ready to sample! Funny, funny, funny! I fall right in line!!!

Also, there are some things here that blow my mind everyday. It seems that each day, I find some other smart, ingenious new gadget or something that just amazes me.
Parking space is limited, so they have these conveyor belt things that go around like a ferris wheel. Each person is assigned a number. You press the button (found on a remote in your car) and your space comes around to you. To retrieve your car, you press the button on the inside of your building.
There are people who are specially trained to do nothing but direct traffic. They stand at parking lot entrances, busy intersections and direct each car. Some of them are dressed in pink or white skirts/suits with hats and they stand in a randomly placed airconditioned booth. (Koreans don’t like to sweat).
We don’t use a key to enter into our apartment. We have a code. We simply punch it in and we enter.
Since you take off shoes at the door, there is a shoe closet at the entrance. All of my shoes, AND all of my roommates shoes fit in there with room to spare! It rotates too!
Moving into a high rise? Don’t worry. They can get your stuff into your apartment with Extender conveyor belts. Pretty much just lifts your stuff to your living room through the window!
ANYTHING can be delivered for $5. Most things come with free delivery.
I can pay any bill with my cell phone. Just punch in a code and it’s paid. My cell is directly connected to my bank account. I use it also to ride the metro. If it is lost, I’m still okay because you need a code to use it.
Krispy Kreme Donuts (very popular here) gives FREE donuts to everyone who waits in line! Fresh off the line! Most people (like me) wait in line, and then leave and never order anything. J I’ve become very Korean already.
Elevators- if you press the wrong floor, it’s fine. Just press the button again to clear it. No more stopping unnecessarily on floors by accident. But, be careful, the doors on the elevator close and they do not care if you are not all the way in!! I’ve been squished like 10 times now! I now know how to hold the button!


That’s it for now, kiddies! I will write again with a list of stuff to send me... J BTW, if ever you want to send letters, packages, other goods, etc. my address is on the bottom of this email... ‘Gyeonggi-Do...862.’ My home telephone is there.

I’m off to bed!!! Be ready to send stuff!!!

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4

Pictures can be found in album (Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4)- Numbers correspond to numbers in Album!

NOTE: This week, I have to begin by apologizing for my Whitney-Houston’s-a-crack-head comment last week. I have been informed that Bobby left and she is ‘no longer in the drug thing.’ My source even submitted photos to corroborate this story. So, Sam, Whitney Houston WAS a crack head and she is permanently brain damaged because of it (whitney)...Now, on to me and my life in Korea!

DORIANNICOLE. That’s what everything says. I have no last name here. I am like Madonna. Just Doriannicole. My bank account is opened under DORIANNICOLE. My driver’s license says DORIANNICOLE M. My Alien Registration Card says DORIANNICOLE. Haynes just isn’t an option. So, great. One less thing for me to worry about. I even sign receipts and the forms for work DORIANNICOLE too... I do everything with the one name. J

My birthday celebration has been quite grand. I began the celebration at work on Friday, lunch with the coworkers ( Friday 1 ) Then, on Friday night, after work (around 11:00pm, I changed my shirt and headed out (Friday 3). Of course, I did not return home until 8:30am Saturday morning(Friday 39, 40 ). I was exhausted, couldn't even keep my hair in a pony tail! (Friday 38). We celebrated merrily at a variety of dance clubs. I must say, I love the Koreans! They think I can dance! It still amazes me! I met some cool expatriates and met up with some that I'd met previously. We danced, acted silly (Friday 14), danced some more, and had a great time. I DID have to get a little ignorant with one of the Korean guys( I think he stalked me the whole night) who thought I was 'easy.' (Friday 10)His English was poor, so he said what he thought pretty damn bluntly. I said what I thought, equally as bluntly, smiled and moved on to have a wonderful time. (Friday 14: I hadn't noticed yet, Friday 18:What in the hell??, Friday 23: You'd better back up!, Friday 24: Now, back to dancing!)- Thanks Aaron for snapping pictures and catching this!

Saturday, I slept till 1pm, went to Itaewon, and found a wonderful birthday gift! BLACK PEOPLE!!! A WHOLE BAR FULL OF THEM, playing spades and shooting pool, no less! (Saturday 42, 43) Now, for some of my non-colored amigos, I must say...in a place like Korea, nothing is more comforting than finding that many black people....you know why? Because, like in America, the Asians know how to keep us happy! I found collard greens, cornbread (one of my favorite foods, thanks Daddy for the nickname), FRIED CHICKEN (yes, i'm sure it was chicken), macaroni and cheese (different cheese but same idea), and a whole lot of stuff I don't eat. It was here that I learned that 'ethnic foods' usually have same names but with uh after each word...i.e (icecream = ice-uh cr-uh-eam-uh)...No, I'm not just being ignorant, it's true! Tell'em Mike! I also met a girl there who is from NC, has same birthday, same blood type, and lots of other random things in common...my twin (Saturday 41)

I also found a nice new supermarket! It has many of the things I love from home. Not everything, but hey, it's a start. American food is EXPENSIVE... like $7 for some salad dressing! And I'm not talking my Kraft Light Done Right! dressing. But I digress! I met up with some local G.I's and negotiated some base exchanges. They understand my pain and are willing to help me out with a few things...gotta love being brown!! Can you say HOOK UP! Again, there are some things I can't get but I'm getting there!

Saturday night, I enjoyed a night of Salsa dancing.(Saturday 2- Salsa Club) I had a blast! I can Salsa a little but this one Korean girl, a coworker of mine (actually sort of a boss) took us out. And she can DANCE!! WHOA!! I mean, she was flipping and twirling, and the attitude...she stands no more than 4'11'' but could outdance any latina! I was/am impressed. (Saturday 11, 16)I have attached photos but still images don't catch the essence of the dance. She is the girl in the red skirt! I was great during the random Soul train line (Saturday 27) The Salsa group was finally ready to leave (Saturday 31) When we left there, we went to eat breakfast (yes it was like 7am). I got home at 8:30 and slept till about 2pm.

On Sunday, I went to the bookstore. I have Korean books but they are not well written. I am as confused after I read as I was before I started. I needed to find something to help me learn some words. So, I went back to my wonderful educational resources and decided I was going to use picture cards! Thanks, Dr. van Olphen! So, I went to the children's section of the bookstore and bought 'readers'. Readers are flashcards, pictures on one side, korean words on the otherside. I have been using them everyday. What's great is that in a city of 24 million people, I have an unlimited supply of teachers. If I am on the train, trying to write something out in Korean, or pronouncing the words, or otherwise practicing, they will not hesitate to come and correct any mistakes I may make. Many older women, rub my back (which is sort of annoying) and smile. They tap my arm, as if to encourage me... no personal space here. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Monday, I ran errands and went to work (Monday 1-Ready for work). Such has been my life for the last couple of days. Today, my day off, was spent, where? AT WORK! This is going to be a NICE paycheck! :) After work though, I got all dressed up to go to one of Korea's nicest restaurants, Outback Steakhouse.(Monday 3) Yes, I'm serious. I'm still living in a hotel because have been working at a branch different from mine. It is in the far north of Seoul and I will be in the far south. So, to save a miserable commute, they have me centrally located. I am getting tired of not having a kitchen, but it's free to me, room/maid service- they like to dress my bear (Monday, 6), and an unlimited supply of Ramen noodles! I don't eat the ramen unless I am in an emergency. I am stocking them up to have in the event of a natural disaster... For fun, I also empty the random condom tray (I've not seen smaller condoms- it must be true! ) I'm sure the maids think I am a freak but it's fun nevertheless.

That's it for me. Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I enjoyed all of the e-cards! Oh yeah! I drove today! Not far, like 8km but it was very scary... that's probably the last time for me!

Have a great day!(or, as my mom would say, fake it!)

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, Vol 3

I almost cannot believe the week is already half way over. I have been so busy this week; I haven’t had much time to take pictures. I’ll work on that for next time! Basically, this week has just been working. I had a couple of really long days and then normal ones. I teach from 4pm -10pm. The students come to me after school. So, they are in school from 9am till 10pm (poor things)! Korean children have no life until college, where ironically, they can relax a bit.

I have been teaching all grade levels this week, as I am covering someone else’s schedule until the fall term starts on the 28th. In the meantime, I will be staying in the hotel because the campus where I am helping out is closer to the hotel than where I will be living. I will be living in Bundang, a semi suburb of Seoul (like New Tampa to Tampa, or Arlington/Alexandria to DC, Cary to Raleigh, etc.) Seoul is the largest city I have ever seen! It looks like downtown from one side to the next. Every building is a high rise! But where I will be has the pretty plush parks, the beautiful scenery, the river, plenty of outdoor activities, and a beautiful lake!! In the winter, people ice skate on the lake!

I am loving the classroom. It’s not difficult, per se, but it is challenging to get all of the material covered in the time allotted. I ran behind 5 min the first day, which may not seem like much but when one class ends at 7pm and the next starts at 7pm, it is imperative that you finish and begin on time. I got it down by the second day. The students seem to like me a lot. They laugh and enjoy class which for them is a treat! They call me ‘teacher’ and I now refer to myself as such. ‘Teacher loves it when you do that!” It’s kind of odd. I mix it with first person, too, but it separates me from my job. You see, in Korea, teachers are held in high regards, so saying ‘I love it...’ would be just some brown woman saying she likes it. So what? But when ‘Teacher loves it...’ it is really something special!

This past weekend, I went to a district of Seoul (the name eludes me right now), where there are lots of universities. Many expats (expatriates) go there and have a blast with the university students. Here, the university students are a bit older than those in the States, ranging from 23-35. At 23, many are just starting their university careers. Anyway, we had a BLAST. I got home around 7:30-8:00 am!! We did some of everything. Koreans know how to have a good time! Wholesome fun! We went to a bar, mingled for a while (took advantage of the fact that men here (both Korean and non-Korean) LOVE my brown skin!!). Then we danced at a club across the street. I got my workout on! And it is true, they think I can dance!! HAHAHA! Anyone who knows me knows that I have rhythm issues! They are worse so I look WONDERFUL! Later, we went to a 24 hour spa to drop off the alcoholics (some of the people in our group) who couldn’t hang anymore. You pay 7,000 won (about $7) and they have a place to sleep, shower, sauna, hot tub, etc. We went back out and did some karaoke. Yes, I did get up on that stage and sing! I sang Whitney Houston “Queen of the Night,” (you know, from her pre-crack days J ) By that time, it was like 4:30am. We waited for the train to start running at 5:30am (mind you, we were lying outside on patches of grass...people were knocked out everywhere waiting on the train! AND no one bothered anyone! ) Took the train back to Chungdahm (where I am staying) and went to breakfast. It was a wonderful night!!! Can’t wait till this weekend! I met lots of people who are going to help me celebrate my birthday! Whooo hooo!!! PARTAY!

On a more mature note, I went to the immigration office (found it myself!), applied for my Alien Registration Card/Korean ID, and took the driving test to get a license. I did it because it was free. I passed the driving part but I failed the eye exam. Vision has to be damn near perfect and my contact prescription is old. So, I went down the street to the optometrist, got an eye exam (free with purchase of glasses/contacts), bought a $20 pair of glasses (only took 20 min to get!), and went back and passed the test!!! I have to wait one week for the license so they can put it with my ARC number. I don’t plan to drive here, though. They drive like maniacs... NYC drivers/ LA drivers have NOTHING on these drivers! I am sending pictures of me in my new glasses!

For those of you in Baltimore who know what I am talking about... Remember we called the lady at the ‘Chinese corner store’ A-Jee-Ma? Well she was Korean! And that means ‘Korean lady I don’t know well’ HAHA! I have been speaking Korean for years!! Let me find out! Anyway, I am still studying my Korean. I am glad to report that I have more than 48 million Korean teachers! Everyone here helps if they see you trying. When I have my Korean book and I am doing the exercises, they randomly come, look over my shoulder, and help me/make corrections/comment on my script. But they are always encouraging. I am really happy here.

I do, however, miss you all sooo much. I just wish you could all come here and experience this with me. This is definitely a place to visit. Forget plans to Paris. Come to Seoul! I love it. I can’t believe how great it is, more modern than the US by far. If ever you want to visit, come on!

Until next time,

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea vol. 2

I have been writing this post over the course of the last couple of days. When it gets long, then I send it to you all. Anyway, I am doing wonderfully! I love it here! I am finding food much easier and liking almost everything they put in front of me. I have learned like five ways to say no meat, and it’s working! (Sort of!) I had no idea that ramen noodles (like we eat at home) are really what people eat here. Every type of noodle, rice, or dumpling is here! I’ve had purple rice, yellow rice, brown rice, red rice, white rice, orange rice, jasmine rice, etc. Noodles follow same thing... I’ve eaten at least 4 different types of noodles. I have come to like pickled radishes (which I otherwise would NEVER have touched), quail eggs (tastes like regular eggs, just smaller), octopus (although very chewy), and lots of seaweed. I feel like the little mermaid with all this seaweed! Everything is either spicy or bland... so I am choosing spicy. There are no salt and pepper shakers on the tables and no ketchup in most places...you have to just eat food as it comes to you. Also, you can go in the market and get a full meal by trying all the samples!!! You know my cheap butt has made that a habit. (It’s...uhh...also a good way to..uhh..try Korean food?)

I have learned that there are some major offenses. One such offense is walking in someone’s house/living space with your shoes on. MAJOR NO NO! I noticed this when the hotel concierge brought my bags to my room, took his shoes off, and then went inside with a bag, came back out, put his shoes on, got the second bag, and took them off again to enter into the room. He tried to explain to me but I didn’t understand. I later left my shoes in the room by my bed when i left for work. When I returned, the housekeeping staff had taken my shoes out of the room and put them in the foyer of my room. I did it myself today and I got a smiley face note! I am learning! Another offense is not bowing when bowed to. I just copy other people so I’ve been okay. But people find it rude and disrespectful if you don’t return the bow and may not clean your room, provide breakfast, etc. J Another thing is doing anything that may ruin someone’s ‘kibun’- there is no English equivalent but it basically means their disposition. You should always try to be positive and help others maintain face. Koreans are really superficial and appearances mean everything. So, in a restaurant, the owner/cooks watch you. If you say you don’t like something out right, it injures their kibun. So instead you say: Wow, the juice is excellent! So is the kimchi. I had so much that I can’t eat the pudkim.’ They know you don’t like it, but they imagine that no one else knows. Funny to me.

If you are trying here, people will be so nice to you. They help you with directions (although if they don’t know they will make something up to save face). At one restaurant, the owner brought us a sample of everything on the menu (made without meat) so that we can learn what things are. We ate so much, we practically rolled home!

The only negative so far is the weather- it is hotter than the inner thighs of a fat chick in the sahara wearing leather pants! You walk outside and you are wet with sweat. I go jogging at 6:30am and it is already 88-90 degrees outside. The mid day highs have been hovering around 110-115. And my retarded butt has been walking everywhere. Water is free, tastes good, and is available everywhere. We have been taking advantage of that. It’s my goal in life to find a positive in every ‘negative’ so here it is: the more you deal with weather, the more calories you can burn! Ahhaaa!!

Korea: First Impressions

It is amazing to me that one can travel for a few hours and end up in almost a whole new world. I mean, in the US, there are places one can go and seem to escape American culture, linguistically and commercially. Take Little Havana (aka Miami), parts of LA, Chinatown in the major metro cities, Little Italy, and San Francisico's Little Seoul. But this trip is much more intense than any of those.

No one knows what I am saying, who I am, where I come from, or what to say to me. This is okay for now. I will be learning Korean over the next year. Yet, despite the Confucian-influenced culture, the homogeneous communities, and the language barriers, there is so much of America here. There is Wal-Mart, Costco, Kinko's, Asics Shoes, TGI Friday's, Burger King, McDonald's, Sbarro's Pizza, Outback, and more. (For the record, I won't be partaking in many meals at these fine establishments. I am sticking to the rice and vegetables... the food at McDonald's isn't exactly appealing to my eyes. Fried tofu instead of French fries?? C'mon!)

But around these American things is a strong sense of patriotism shared by the Koreans. They are proud of their country, and work very hard to maintain their communities and their traditions. So far, people have been very helpful and inquisitive. They have asked me a thousand questions (for which I had no answer since I didn't understand the question.) Many people insist that if they keep speaking Korean to you, then you will suddenly understand them. Case in point, on the plane, I listened to someone for three hours. I can tell you four things he said in the whole conversation. But, he kept on talking.

Today, in the Coex Mall, a large underground mall near to the campus, there were many people strolling along shopping. I tried to fit in, but clearly stood out like a sore thumb. People were grabbing my hand and pulling me into places to show me stuff (like maps of where they are from, pictures of people-that maybe i should know-, where to find books to learn Korean.) My hair, which is braided now, is also a major source of interest. They want to touch it, pull it, etc. I was surprised since the hair came from over here!! (HAHA). My hips and butt are also very much on the radar here. Random people (all have been women to this point) have come and touched my butt or my hips softly, saying something in Korean to whomever they were with. It may or may not be positive. It didn't seem to matter what I thought anyway.

Now, I think it is nap time. I have been up since early this morning and I want to get rested and settled before work tomorrow. I have to be there at 10am, which is apparently early here. After this week, I will be teaching in the evenings, from 4pm to 10pm, which is supposedly the normal schedule for secondary schools here. Go figure.

Anyway, I will be using the blog as a sort of journal while I am here. I will add pictures and miscellaneous videos as I can. Keep checking back.

Dating....It might have a point....

This is a random thought, but they often come to me that way. I figured I may as well jot this down before I lose it!

Ever wondered how you know when you are with 'the one?' Ever look at the dating game and just wanted to cry? Ever hated meeting new possibilities that lack just that: possibility? Oh boy, I know I have!

I often wondered why people went out and dated. Looking back, I often think: "How did that happen?" or "Why did I even GO there?" I decided that dating allows people to discover themselves and to reestablish standards. At least looking in my relationship history, all of the men I have seriously dated have been an improvement on the one that preceded him.

I learn what is important to me and what things I really don't care about. I rediscover boundaries on both a personal and a social level. And while I don't do the whole list thing, I feel like I learn more about what I am looking for in a partner. I think, or at least I hope, that the end result would be that I find someone who embodies all of the built up characteristics plus a little something of his own. I believe there will come a point when I don't think there is any more a girl could ask for...that's when you know.

What makes this union work is when he knows too. What makes it last is the phenomenon that neither person lose their faith in that knowledge that this is the one, while the other person has lost theirs. Essentially, as long as two people don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, there is hope for their relationship...It just might work...as long as you both know.

Whirlwind...Is that really the date?

It is amazing how quickly time seems to fly when you have a deadline. It is already nearing the end of June and I am on my way to Korea in just about a month. I am feeling a bit nervous about being able to finish everything before I go, but I am calm and comfortable about my decision to go.

There were several issues that arose during my decision making time that pushed me toward a decision not to go. But while I rested my mind and really gave thought to each concern, I was able to break down the pros and cons of each. They were overriden by the possibilities and benefits of going to Korea.

I don't speak Korean and I really don't have much experience with TESOL classroom instruction. But I know I'll get it done. I mean, I won't say this project will be easy. I know this will undoubtedly be a major challenge for me. But I am ready. So bring it on.

Crying behind a smile...

Exhaustion. Pure exhaustion.

Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.

Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.

In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.

I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.

I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.

I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.

Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.

Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.

In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.