This is a random thought, but they often come to me that way. I figured I may as well jot this down before I lose it!
Ever wondered how you know when you are with 'the one?' Ever look at the dating game and just wanted to cry? Ever hated meeting new possibilities that lack just that: possibility? Oh boy, I know I have!
I often wondered why people went out and dated. Looking back, I often think: "How did that happen?" or "Why did I even GO there?" I decided that dating allows people to discover themselves and to reestablish standards. At least looking in my relationship history, all of the men I have seriously dated have been an improvement on the one that preceded him.
I learn what is important to me and what things I really don't care about. I rediscover boundaries on both a personal and a social level. And while I don't do the whole list thing, I feel like I learn more about what I am looking for in a partner. I think, or at least I hope, that the end result would be that I find someone who embodies all of the built up characteristics plus a little something of his own. I believe there will come a point when I don't think there is any more a girl could ask for...that's when you know.
What makes this union work is when he knows too. What makes it last is the phenomenon that neither person lose their faith in that knowledge that this is the one, while the other person has lost theirs. Essentially, as long as two people don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, there is hope for their relationship...It just might work...as long as you both know.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
Saturday, June 24, 2006
Whirlwind...Is that really the date?
It is amazing how quickly time seems to fly when you have a deadline. It is already nearing the end of June and I am on my way to Korea in just about a month. I am feeling a bit nervous about being able to finish everything before I go, but I am calm and comfortable about my decision to go.
There were several issues that arose during my decision making time that pushed me toward a decision not to go. But while I rested my mind and really gave thought to each concern, I was able to break down the pros and cons of each. They were overriden by the possibilities and benefits of going to Korea.
I don't speak Korean and I really don't have much experience with TESOL classroom instruction. But I know I'll get it done. I mean, I won't say this project will be easy. I know this will undoubtedly be a major challenge for me. But I am ready. So bring it on.
There were several issues that arose during my decision making time that pushed me toward a decision not to go. But while I rested my mind and really gave thought to each concern, I was able to break down the pros and cons of each. They were overriden by the possibilities and benefits of going to Korea.
I don't speak Korean and I really don't have much experience with TESOL classroom instruction. But I know I'll get it done. I mean, I won't say this project will be easy. I know this will undoubtedly be a major challenge for me. But I am ready. So bring it on.
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Crying behind a smile...
Exhaustion. Pure exhaustion.
Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.
Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.
In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.
I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.
I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.
I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.
Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.
Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.
In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.
Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.
Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.
In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.
I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.
I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.
I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.
Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.
Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.
Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.
In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.
Thursday, May 18, 2006
Only Me
No one in the world understands who you are better than you. Only you know what you mean to say and how you meant to say it. Only you know what messages you are intending to send via your apparel, body language, or words. Only you know what secrets you keep hidden in the closet or underneath the rug. You, alone, know what makes you feel happy, saddened, or angry.
You can lie to the world, but you can never truly fool yourself. You have absolute control over how you respond to the world, and, in that regard, how the world responds to you. God gave us power over ourselves. We determine our steps under His guidance, but ultimately, we decide. It is the individual who makes the final decision.
Care must be taken to ensure that decisions are made for individual personal gratification and not solely to redeem ourselves in the eyes of others. Too often, we make decisions because we think that someone will be more pleased with us, even if we, ourselves, really don't want to. It is disappointing when we've allowed ourselves to be placed in situations where we are not really happy.
No matter how many friends I have, no matter what family bonds I possess, I know that in the end, it boils down to me. I depend on me, and only me. I live for me, and only me. I am who I am for me, and only me.
You can lie to the world, but you can never truly fool yourself. You have absolute control over how you respond to the world, and, in that regard, how the world responds to you. God gave us power over ourselves. We determine our steps under His guidance, but ultimately, we decide. It is the individual who makes the final decision.
Care must be taken to ensure that decisions are made for individual personal gratification and not solely to redeem ourselves in the eyes of others. Too often, we make decisions because we think that someone will be more pleased with us, even if we, ourselves, really don't want to. It is disappointing when we've allowed ourselves to be placed in situations where we are not really happy.
No matter how many friends I have, no matter what family bonds I possess, I know that in the end, it boils down to me. I depend on me, and only me. I live for me, and only me. I am who I am for me, and only me.
Saturday, April 29, 2006
Renewed
The end of the semester was BRUTAL. But, I have learned a lot; more than I expected. Life's lessons are funny sometimes, because the important ones usually don't come from a textbook. I have spent so much time in textbooks, that I have seldom looked up to see the world of knowledge around me. Well, now I have a little time!
I spent the last weeks thinking about what I am worth, my value to myself and to the rest of the world. Here's what I decided:
* the world needs me to contibute as much as I need it.
* no man is worth heartache and drama; both of these are unnecessary and avoidable.
* true friends are there for you, even when you have nothing but friendship to offer them.
* the past is powerful, but not enough to control your life...unless you allow it.
* the future is rich and full of possibilities, but I must take time to live today.
* enjoy being 'in the moment' sometimes. Just breathe and that God for all your blessings.
* your body is the only true possession you have...take care of it.
* I won't allow ANYONE to come and steal my joy.
* I have to live to please God and myself. Everyone else has to get in line.
* When I learn to love myself and all of my flaws, someone else will be able to appreciate me too.
* Smiling really is good for the soul.
And with these decisions, I have made some major changes. Now, my life will reflect who I am and what I believe; I am no longer going along for the ride. I am not a woman in the shadows, I must be accepted for who I am. I am classy, dignified, and proud. I will not play the role. I am who I am, and if you don't like it....move on!
I spent the last weeks thinking about what I am worth, my value to myself and to the rest of the world. Here's what I decided:
* the world needs me to contibute as much as I need it.
* no man is worth heartache and drama; both of these are unnecessary and avoidable.
* true friends are there for you, even when you have nothing but friendship to offer them.
* the past is powerful, but not enough to control your life...unless you allow it.
* the future is rich and full of possibilities, but I must take time to live today.
* enjoy being 'in the moment' sometimes. Just breathe and that God for all your blessings.
* your body is the only true possession you have...take care of it.
* I won't allow ANYONE to come and steal my joy.
* I have to live to please God and myself. Everyone else has to get in line.
* When I learn to love myself and all of my flaws, someone else will be able to appreciate me too.
* Smiling really is good for the soul.
And with these decisions, I have made some major changes. Now, my life will reflect who I am and what I believe; I am no longer going along for the ride. I am not a woman in the shadows, I must be accepted for who I am. I am classy, dignified, and proud. I will not play the role. I am who I am, and if you don't like it....move on!
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
In God I Trust
Lord, thank you for my blessings:
You didn't have to wake me up this morning,
You didn't have to provide me with food to eat and a place to live,
Thank you for my sanity, my confidence, my wisdom, my courage, and strength;
Thank you foryour clarity, your honesty, guidance, love and friendship.
Lord, thank you for my valleys:
Thank you for the chaos, because now I appreciate the calm.
Thank you for the pain, because I now know the relief of Your deliverance.
Thank you for struggles, because through them I grow and become more courageous,
stronger, more confident and wiser.
Thank you for the hurdles, because as I jump over them, I am brought closer to you.
You provide rain, so that we may grow; storms that blow things around, so that a new path may be uncovered. I know that I am who I am and have experienced what I have experienced so that I may be capable to handle what You have in store for me. In You I am made stronger; in You, I am made whole; and in You I trust completely.
You didn't have to wake me up this morning,
You didn't have to provide me with food to eat and a place to live,
Thank you for my sanity, my confidence, my wisdom, my courage, and strength;
Thank you foryour clarity, your honesty, guidance, love and friendship.
Lord, thank you for my valleys:
Thank you for the chaos, because now I appreciate the calm.
Thank you for the pain, because I now know the relief of Your deliverance.
Thank you for struggles, because through them I grow and become more courageous,
stronger, more confident and wiser.
Thank you for the hurdles, because as I jump over them, I am brought closer to you.
You provide rain, so that we may grow; storms that blow things around, so that a new path may be uncovered. I know that I am who I am and have experienced what I have experienced so that I may be capable to handle what You have in store for me. In You I am made stronger; in You, I am made whole; and in You I trust completely.
---Amen
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
On a Journey Called Life...
I realize that it has been well over a month since I last posted to this blog. A lot has happened between that day and this. God knows how to keep you close.
I am working very diligently to uncover some of my own inner elements, to define myself by my own perceptions of who I am, what I believe, and where I am going. It is much more difficult than I'd expected.
First, when Christa died, things changed drastically in my life. I had never felt such sadness and deep emptiness as I did when she died. Death is no new occurrence in my life, but this one was somehow different. This is not to say that I valued her life over those others who have gone before her, rather I saw my own life in hers. Maybe it was because she was just a baby herself; maybe it was that she had cancer; maybe it was the fight in her eyes, the fire in her spirit, the maturity of her soul; maybe it was her innocence and ability to trust; maybe it was her untouchable faith. Something within her connected with me and when she died, so did a part of me. Her death hit me hard; knocked the wind right out of me. It left me gasping for answers in the air, for purpose, for guidance. And, in spite of my family and friends' presence, I felt utterly alone.
One thing about Christa is that she had this amazing ability to love unconditionally and have faith in everyone. She truly believed that bad people are just good people who make bad choices. She put her trust in everyone. In a way, I envied that ability. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how difficult it is for me to trust, to love, to allow anyone to learn who I am. I am working to develop my ability to not only trust others but also to trust myself.
Further, I have learned and relearned that there is a reason for everything, a time and place for everything under the sun. I have had to majorly step out on faith and just accept the cards I am being dealt. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that the mystery is ours though. He knows exactly what He's doing and where we are going. He just uncovers only enough for us to keep moving. Can you imagine the chaos of the world if we all knew what our futures held?
So, as I decide what my next steps will be, I turn to the One who knows what they should be. I ask for guidance and clarity. And I know He'll provide it.
I am working very diligently to uncover some of my own inner elements, to define myself by my own perceptions of who I am, what I believe, and where I am going. It is much more difficult than I'd expected.
First, when Christa died, things changed drastically in my life. I had never felt such sadness and deep emptiness as I did when she died. Death is no new occurrence in my life, but this one was somehow different. This is not to say that I valued her life over those others who have gone before her, rather I saw my own life in hers. Maybe it was because she was just a baby herself; maybe it was that she had cancer; maybe it was the fight in her eyes, the fire in her spirit, the maturity of her soul; maybe it was her innocence and ability to trust; maybe it was her untouchable faith. Something within her connected with me and when she died, so did a part of me. Her death hit me hard; knocked the wind right out of me. It left me gasping for answers in the air, for purpose, for guidance. And, in spite of my family and friends' presence, I felt utterly alone.
One thing about Christa is that she had this amazing ability to love unconditionally and have faith in everyone. She truly believed that bad people are just good people who make bad choices. She put her trust in everyone. In a way, I envied that ability. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how difficult it is for me to trust, to love, to allow anyone to learn who I am. I am working to develop my ability to not only trust others but also to trust myself.
Further, I have learned and relearned that there is a reason for everything, a time and place for everything under the sun. I have had to majorly step out on faith and just accept the cards I am being dealt. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that the mystery is ours though. He knows exactly what He's doing and where we are going. He just uncovers only enough for us to keep moving. Can you imagine the chaos of the world if we all knew what our futures held?
So, as I decide what my next steps will be, I turn to the One who knows what they should be. I ask for guidance and clarity. And I know He'll provide it.
Tuesday, February 07, 2006
PLEASE NOTE:
The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance maintained by Goals, insurance called Faith, a driver with a map called God, you will make it to a place called Success.
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
An Angel Gets Her Wings
This morning, just in time to catch a ride to heaven with the sun, Christa took her last breath. In the weeks and months leading to this day, Christa was increasingly excited about getting to go to heaven, where she could have all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she wanted. Most importantly, Barbie and Dan (because Ken wasn't as cute) would have the best dream house ever!
For her parents, the devastation is unimaginable. For them, there is an unconsolable feeling of loss and despair. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God bless them with peace and help them to create a new balance in their lives. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and a part of Christa's.
For me, the feeling in indescribable. While Christa wasn't my relative (per se), she was an integral part of my life for the past 6 months. She was my angel. This angel was like a sister to me. I am not sure how my life would be now without her presence. She, in her 7 year old wisdom, has helped me to see the beauty in life; the wonderful things and people in my own life. It was at her insistence that I have given chemotherapy another try. Her courage and strength were contagious and has been one of the leading forces in my own personal recovery, both from cancer and from other obstacles life has thrown in my direction.
While she will be truly missed, her spirit will live on forever. The lessons I have learned from her will guide me forever. And, one day, I will join her in heaven to pick up where we left off...and to taste one of her "especially homemade" peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
See you then, Christa. ;-)
For her parents, the devastation is unimaginable. For them, there is an unconsolable feeling of loss and despair. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God bless them with peace and help them to create a new balance in their lives. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and a part of Christa's.
For me, the feeling in indescribable. While Christa wasn't my relative (per se), she was an integral part of my life for the past 6 months. She was my angel. This angel was like a sister to me. I am not sure how my life would be now without her presence. She, in her 7 year old wisdom, has helped me to see the beauty in life; the wonderful things and people in my own life. It was at her insistence that I have given chemotherapy another try. Her courage and strength were contagious and has been one of the leading forces in my own personal recovery, both from cancer and from other obstacles life has thrown in my direction.
While she will be truly missed, her spirit will live on forever. The lessons I have learned from her will guide me forever. And, one day, I will join her in heaven to pick up where we left off...and to taste one of her "especially homemade" peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.
See you then, Christa. ;-)
Sunday, January 29, 2006
Lesson 1: The ABCs of You
The ABC’s of You
As with any relationship, things must start from the beginning. For me, as a teacher, that’s usually the ABCs. One thing about the ABCs is that once you learn them, you usually never forget them. The same holds true for you.
Each letter of the alphabet forms words, which form sentences, which form meaning. You have earned your letters and allowed me to begin to form meaning. Thank you.
Absolutely
Breathtaking,
Confidently Charming,
Down to
Earth,
Fine as hell,
Getatable but guarded, Gentle,
Honest, Hard working,
Introspective, Impressive, Intelligent
Jaunty,
Kindhearted, Knowledgeable
Liberating, Loving,
Magnanimous, Meaningful,
Normal (while still rare! SMILE),
Observant,
Positive, Productive,
Quality,
Respectful, Respectable, Right,
Sexy, Sophisticated, Sensual,
Tough, Talented,
Understanding, Undeniable, Unprecedented,
Vivacious,
WOW! Witty and with
X-ray vision into my mind,
Yoga couldn’t relax me more,
Zealous, zestful.
As with any relationship, things must start from the beginning. For me, as a teacher, that’s usually the ABCs. One thing about the ABCs is that once you learn them, you usually never forget them. The same holds true for you.
Each letter of the alphabet forms words, which form sentences, which form meaning. You have earned your letters and allowed me to begin to form meaning. Thank you.
Absolutely
Breathtaking,
Confidently Charming,
Down to
Earth,
Fine as hell,
Getatable but guarded, Gentle,
Honest, Hard working,
Introspective, Impressive, Intelligent
Jaunty,
Kindhearted, Knowledgeable
Liberating, Loving,
Magnanimous, Meaningful,
Normal (while still rare! SMILE),
Observant,
Positive, Productive,
Quality,
Respectful, Respectable, Right,
Sexy, Sophisticated, Sensual,
Tough, Talented,
Understanding, Undeniable, Unprecedented,
Vivacious,
WOW! Witty and with
X-ray vision into my mind,
Yoga couldn’t relax me more,
Zealous, zestful.
Friday, January 27, 2006
Love Letter (Part II)
As I lay next to you, holding you; you holding me, I feel like a butterfly just freed from its cocoon. I listen to your heart as it beats, telling me how much you love me. I lay with you, in the heat of the night and I pray that you will never leave. And then, as if you had read my thoughts, you gently caress me and promise me you’ll always be here. Oh my God! I am really falling…
Now, with the aroma of love working like lavender, and as the world begins to fade into a wonderland behind my eyes, I hear you breathing. I listen as our breaths become one, synchronized in perfect harmony. I dream, you dream…I am falling…
At dawn, you are there, still holding me. You gently caress my arms to wake me. “Hey, gorgeous,” I hear you say. You slowly lift me and take me to the window. As we sit there, in each other’s arms, we watch the sun wake up the world. You say to me, in a soft, gentle voice: “Dawn is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to the world...And you, you are God’s most beautiful gift to me.” I smile, turn to you and tell you what my heart has been trying to say, “I love you.” You pull me closer to you, hold me tightly, and say, “I love you, too.” And with that, I know, I have fallen deeply in love with you.
May this love letter never end.
Love Always,
Doriannicole
Now, with the aroma of love working like lavender, and as the world begins to fade into a wonderland behind my eyes, I hear you breathing. I listen as our breaths become one, synchronized in perfect harmony. I dream, you dream…I am falling…
At dawn, you are there, still holding me. You gently caress my arms to wake me. “Hey, gorgeous,” I hear you say. You slowly lift me and take me to the window. As we sit there, in each other’s arms, we watch the sun wake up the world. You say to me, in a soft, gentle voice: “Dawn is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to the world...And you, you are God’s most beautiful gift to me.” I smile, turn to you and tell you what my heart has been trying to say, “I love you.” You pull me closer to you, hold me tightly, and say, “I love you, too.” And with that, I know, I have fallen deeply in love with you.
May this love letter never end.
Love Always,
Doriannicole
On a whole notha level
By chance doesn't exist. Whenever we step out of our daily routine, it isn't by chance. We may not have planned it, but it happened for a reason. I am convinced that this purpose exists even when we cannot readily identify it.
For instance, I met a man in the parking lot of Moffitt about two months ago. I was there late, visiting Christa and I'd parked in a new place. In the car next to mine sat a man, whose spirit seemed so low and trampled. I got into my car, looked his direction and gave him the most genuine smile I knew how to give and I let my eyes linger for just a moment as if to say: "Smile, everything is going to be alright." I put my car in reverse, and backed out of my space. I never looked back over at him. That night, I added him to my prayers and asked that his spirit be uplifted (because 'nobody should look that pitiful,' I added to God).
Last Saturday, on my way into Moffitt for my own treatments, my spirit felt like a withering flower. My mind was full of emptiness and my heart just wasn't into it. At the elevator, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the man from the parking lot. I didn't immediately recognize him and I politely asked for a refresher. He told me,"You told me to keep my head up when no one else even saw it down. Thank you. You couldn't know how much that meant to me." I then remembered him from the parking lot and decided that smiles are contagious, joy is contagious, and the power of prayer is awesome. But I also learned the value in going out of your way to try to life someone's spirit.
One never knows who is looking to him for help, understanding, and peace of mind. You must acknowledge the power of prayer, the power of life, and the power of a smile.
For instance, I met a man in the parking lot of Moffitt about two months ago. I was there late, visiting Christa and I'd parked in a new place. In the car next to mine sat a man, whose spirit seemed so low and trampled. I got into my car, looked his direction and gave him the most genuine smile I knew how to give and I let my eyes linger for just a moment as if to say: "Smile, everything is going to be alright." I put my car in reverse, and backed out of my space. I never looked back over at him. That night, I added him to my prayers and asked that his spirit be uplifted (because 'nobody should look that pitiful,' I added to God).
Last Saturday, on my way into Moffitt for my own treatments, my spirit felt like a withering flower. My mind was full of emptiness and my heart just wasn't into it. At the elevator, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the man from the parking lot. I didn't immediately recognize him and I politely asked for a refresher. He told me,"You told me to keep my head up when no one else even saw it down. Thank you. You couldn't know how much that meant to me." I then remembered him from the parking lot and decided that smiles are contagious, joy is contagious, and the power of prayer is awesome. But I also learned the value in going out of your way to try to life someone's spirit.
One never knows who is looking to him for help, understanding, and peace of mind. You must acknowledge the power of prayer, the power of life, and the power of a smile.
Healing
Don't be discouraged
Joy comes in the morning
Know that God is nigh
Stand still and look up
God is going to show up
He is standing by.
There's healing for your sorrow
Healing for your pain
Healing for your spirit
There's shelter from the rain
Lord send the healing
For this we know
There is a balm in Gilead
For there's a balm in Gilead
There is a balm in Gilead
To heal the soul
Healing for the soul
---Richard Smallwood, Live in Detroit
Thursday, January 26, 2006
Hair cut!
Apparently, I am remiss in posting more recent pictures, as I have cut my hair since I started this blog. From the comments that have been posted, I should have more up-to-date pictures. Well, just to show that I listen to you, here is a picture:
But PLEASE don't get it twisted!! This is MY blog! If I want to be outdated, then that's my PERROGATIVE!!! Love ya'll anyway!
For you Brandon and Brian! Love, Aunt Dori Nic
This is just a shot out to my babies!!! My nephews are getting so big!! They keep me grounded and let me know that our future looks as bright as it ever did.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
I think it must be explicitly stated....
Over the last couple of months, I have recieved lots of commentary about the nature of my posts. I just write what I feel like writing. Some days, I am more into politics; other times, I am into my more private thoughts.
I am not bound by any rules or regulations as they pertain to my writing. I just write. While one's writing is definitely to some extent a reflection of its author , it is not necessarily a mirror reflection by which the audience should make assumptions or pass judgement.
With that being said, I am compelled to add the following:
* Don't hate because I have inspiration for my poems!
* If for some reason, you do not like what you read, DON'T READ IT!
* I am not concerned with your images of who I am and what I stand for; I am not in a position in which I have to answer to you and, quite frankly, you are NOT in a position to question or demand an explanation from me.
I am not bound by any rules or regulations as they pertain to my writing. I just write. While one's writing is definitely to some extent a reflection of its author , it is not necessarily a mirror reflection by which the audience should make assumptions or pass judgement.
With that being said, I am compelled to add the following:
* Don't hate because I have inspiration for my poems!
* If for some reason, you do not like what you read, DON'T READ IT!
* I am not concerned with your images of who I am and what I stand for; I am not in a position in which I have to answer to you and, quite frankly, you are NOT in a position to question or demand an explanation from me.
The Touch
It starts with a touch. A calming, soothing, relaxing touch. A touch that defines the boundaries of our relationship. This touch slowly expands the borders of our friendship and lurks premeditatedly in pleasure spots uncharted on his map. In fact, he is like Columbus, in that he is “discovering” places not necessarily untouched or unknown, just foreign to him. With the gentlest of gestures and the most chilling warmth, like ice cubes in hot steamy coffee, my inhibitions are placed aside and my body taken over by the touch.
I cannot speak, my mind stops functioning, and my body controls itself. Like a plant drawn to sunlight, my body is drawn to your touch. Suddenly, I am addicted to the warmth of your hands and the high I get from the rush of passion to the surface of my skin. Suddenly, it’s a drug I can’t get enough of ...what am I doing? This was not in the plan! I think in a futile effort to rescue myself from the impending danger. But the thoughts never make it to the surface for air… they drown in a sea of ecstasy.
I, too, am cast under your spell as you feed rhythm to my hips. The waves in my sea surge to heights unimaginable as my breathing becomes like Category 5 winds, heavy and uncontrollable. As you sail southbound, the danger increases, the storm is unpredictable and unrelenting. Now, the sea is dangerous, the winds are at full force, and the earth, the whole damn universe is trembling.
Unexpectedly, I am able to call out for help. I scream into the wind and brace myself for the force of this storm. Gravity has ceased to exist and I am now floating…
Saturday, January 21, 2006
Everything Has Its Time
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8
To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost five years ago, I was devastated. I could not understand why God felt the need to punish me. I felt betrayed by my body and its Creator. I couldn't understand why. I just kept asking God to give me some explanation. And in His time, He has.
He has enabled me to see that there is a much bigger world out there than the one in which I live. I have seen that my life is but a fiber woven into God's intricately detailed master plan. Without me, the world would not be the same. And without the world, the steps I take within it, and the steps others take, I would not be the same. You see, just like the Bible says, there is a purpose for everything. We may not always see it, but it is there and valid.
In the last five years, I have begun to learn how to live. I have traveled and met many wonderful people. And now, contrary to the predictions of doctors almost five years ago, I am still alive. It took this experience to teach me to put my trust in God and not in man and to recognize Him as the ultimate healer.
Had it not been for this fight with cancer, I would never have been here going to school at USF, and I would never have encountered my most recent inspiration:
There is a seven year old girl named Christa who has been my inspiration during the last few months of my cancer treatments. At seven years old, she hasn't been corrupted by the views of the world and has been able to maintain her relationship with God. This is her third year with cancer and she is dying.
When I met her in early September of 2005, she was like a normal child: loud, funny, vivacious, and full of energy and zeal. But she knew then that she was going to die soon. We had several conversations about death, heaven, and living life while you have it. I felt from the first day we met that she was one of the angels God has placed in my life to help keep me in check.
I have not missed one week without seeing her. I go to visit her on my lunch breaks from work and after class during the weeks. I see her often on the weekends. In November, I cut my hair and donated it to her. She wanted to have hair and God afforded me the opportunity to provide it. It was not even a sacrifice for me. She brings a certain light to my life; one that highlights the positive and cast shadows on the negative so I can hardly see them. She helps me to find purpose in every day. She makes me want to be a better person.
Since August, Christa has been living at Moffitt, the cancer center here in Tampa. She is confined to the premises almost all of the time. Her parents live in the adjacent family living facilities located on the premises. She told me that the only reason she'd want to live longer would be to have the opportunity to travel and see the world's beautiful places. She loves to see post cards and pictures on the internet. In fact, together, we have totally decorated her room with pictures from all over the world. And we visit there, in our day dreams, sometimes.
Just last week, we went to the beach. That is one of Christa's favorite places. It is my favorite place too. It is where heaven touches the earth and where you can hear God's voice in the wind. We did what we needed to do to make our trip to the beach fantastic. So, we put on our bathing suits and put on our shades. We turned the lamp toward us and used a portable heater, to simulate the sun and its warmth. Next, we turned on an oscillating fan, to give us a little breeze. Then we created beach sand by filling our sandboxes with store bought sand, placing warm heat packs on the bottom, and digging our feet in. Then, we play our favorite CD with sounds of the beach, and we lay back and relax. With our eyes closed, we imagine we are really there. We talk to each other about what we see in our minds and we escape reality, just for a few minutes. Her body may be dying but her spirit remains alive and well. More importantly, in the moments of silence, we can talk to God.
Many of us don't have time to really converse with God. We make time for other things, but not for those things most important to our well-being. So with this, I thank God for making time for me to talk to Him and for humbling my spirit.
For Christ I live, and For Christ I die.
To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven:
A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.
When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost five years ago, I was devastated. I could not understand why God felt the need to punish me. I felt betrayed by my body and its Creator. I couldn't understand why. I just kept asking God to give me some explanation. And in His time, He has.
He has enabled me to see that there is a much bigger world out there than the one in which I live. I have seen that my life is but a fiber woven into God's intricately detailed master plan. Without me, the world would not be the same. And without the world, the steps I take within it, and the steps others take, I would not be the same. You see, just like the Bible says, there is a purpose for everything. We may not always see it, but it is there and valid.
In the last five years, I have begun to learn how to live. I have traveled and met many wonderful people. And now, contrary to the predictions of doctors almost five years ago, I am still alive. It took this experience to teach me to put my trust in God and not in man and to recognize Him as the ultimate healer.
Had it not been for this fight with cancer, I would never have been here going to school at USF, and I would never have encountered my most recent inspiration:
There is a seven year old girl named Christa who has been my inspiration during the last few months of my cancer treatments. At seven years old, she hasn't been corrupted by the views of the world and has been able to maintain her relationship with God. This is her third year with cancer and she is dying.
When I met her in early September of 2005, she was like a normal child: loud, funny, vivacious, and full of energy and zeal. But she knew then that she was going to die soon. We had several conversations about death, heaven, and living life while you have it. I felt from the first day we met that she was one of the angels God has placed in my life to help keep me in check.
I have not missed one week without seeing her. I go to visit her on my lunch breaks from work and after class during the weeks. I see her often on the weekends. In November, I cut my hair and donated it to her. She wanted to have hair and God afforded me the opportunity to provide it. It was not even a sacrifice for me. She brings a certain light to my life; one that highlights the positive and cast shadows on the negative so I can hardly see them. She helps me to find purpose in every day. She makes me want to be a better person.
Since August, Christa has been living at Moffitt, the cancer center here in Tampa. She is confined to the premises almost all of the time. Her parents live in the adjacent family living facilities located on the premises. She told me that the only reason she'd want to live longer would be to have the opportunity to travel and see the world's beautiful places. She loves to see post cards and pictures on the internet. In fact, together, we have totally decorated her room with pictures from all over the world. And we visit there, in our day dreams, sometimes.
Just last week, we went to the beach. That is one of Christa's favorite places. It is my favorite place too. It is where heaven touches the earth and where you can hear God's voice in the wind. We did what we needed to do to make our trip to the beach fantastic. So, we put on our bathing suits and put on our shades. We turned the lamp toward us and used a portable heater, to simulate the sun and its warmth. Next, we turned on an oscillating fan, to give us a little breeze. Then we created beach sand by filling our sandboxes with store bought sand, placing warm heat packs on the bottom, and digging our feet in. Then, we play our favorite CD with sounds of the beach, and we lay back and relax. With our eyes closed, we imagine we are really there. We talk to each other about what we see in our minds and we escape reality, just for a few minutes. Her body may be dying but her spirit remains alive and well. More importantly, in the moments of silence, we can talk to God.
Many of us don't have time to really converse with God. We make time for other things, but not for those things most important to our well-being. So with this, I thank God for making time for me to talk to Him and for humbling my spirit.
For Christ I live, and For Christ I die.
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
The Bigger Picture
Lately, I have been thinking about the people I have encountered over the last year and how my life has changed as a result. I concluded that everyone could be categorized into three different sections: those I knew but just met, those I met but just got to know, and those who have been consistent fixtures in my life.
Among those in the first category would be those people with whom I made instant connections; those with whom my relationship felt so comfortable and easy from the very beginning. I would consider as recent additions to this list; Justilien, David, Curtis, Shamar, Celeste, Sasha, Natasha, Yolanda, and Kevin. Although I met all of them in the past year or so, it feels as if I've know them forever. It is as if we are reading from the same page (on so many different levels.) We just click.
The next category consists of people who, for whatever reason, I had previously met but didn't really get to know well until recently. Their true identities (and mine too) emerged very clearly. Some of these were wonderful, some were disappointing. Among those in this list, one would find: Kumar, David, Stephanie, Erika, Chris, and Jason. Whether positive or not, all of them has had a very positive effect on my life and each is an integral part of what makes me who I am.
The last category, is the most dear to me. My rocks. They are not new additions to my life, but those who were there to help build the foundation. These are the people who have been there for me when it seems no one else cared. They are those who walk with me (on the phone) late at night when I am by myself, those who force me to care about the important things in life, those who enlighten me, who build my spirit with the strength of theirs, those who pray for me, those who let me cry, those who hold my hand, those who sacrifice so that I am not alone.
Those people are my mother, Nikki, Ms. Cookie, Mr. Willie, Breezy, and Caleshia. To all of whom I own much of my success in life. My mother has given all that she has and is always ready to give more. Nikki listens to all of my drama and keeps me sane. Ms. Cookie and Mr. Willie have continued to encourage me and believe in me when I doubted myself. Breezy gives me a standard to keep. She makes me want to be better so that she can follow in good footsteps. And Caleshia has become one of my best friends. When I thought I'd lose my hair to chemotherapy, she was willing to shave hers bald with me so that I wouldn't be alone. When I am drowning in frustration, she performs CPR.
It is truly amazing that our footsteps were mapped out so delicately that we cross each other's paths. This idea serves to give my life purpose and make my relationships meaningful and worth the time. It allows for every person I encounter to give value to my life. It makes me a better person. Thank you.
* The above mentioned lists are in no way and by no means exhaustive.
Among those in the first category would be those people with whom I made instant connections; those with whom my relationship felt so comfortable and easy from the very beginning. I would consider as recent additions to this list; Justilien, David, Curtis, Shamar, Celeste, Sasha, Natasha, Yolanda, and Kevin. Although I met all of them in the past year or so, it feels as if I've know them forever. It is as if we are reading from the same page (on so many different levels.) We just click.
The next category consists of people who, for whatever reason, I had previously met but didn't really get to know well until recently. Their true identities (and mine too) emerged very clearly. Some of these were wonderful, some were disappointing. Among those in this list, one would find: Kumar, David, Stephanie, Erika, Chris, and Jason. Whether positive or not, all of them has had a very positive effect on my life and each is an integral part of what makes me who I am.
The last category, is the most dear to me. My rocks. They are not new additions to my life, but those who were there to help build the foundation. These are the people who have been there for me when it seems no one else cared. They are those who walk with me (on the phone) late at night when I am by myself, those who force me to care about the important things in life, those who enlighten me, who build my spirit with the strength of theirs, those who pray for me, those who let me cry, those who hold my hand, those who sacrifice so that I am not alone.
Those people are my mother, Nikki, Ms. Cookie, Mr. Willie, Breezy, and Caleshia. To all of whom I own much of my success in life. My mother has given all that she has and is always ready to give more. Nikki listens to all of my drama and keeps me sane. Ms. Cookie and Mr. Willie have continued to encourage me and believe in me when I doubted myself. Breezy gives me a standard to keep. She makes me want to be better so that she can follow in good footsteps. And Caleshia has become one of my best friends. When I thought I'd lose my hair to chemotherapy, she was willing to shave hers bald with me so that I wouldn't be alone. When I am drowning in frustration, she performs CPR.
It is truly amazing that our footsteps were mapped out so delicately that we cross each other's paths. This idea serves to give my life purpose and make my relationships meaningful and worth the time. It allows for every person I encounter to give value to my life. It makes me a better person. Thank you.
* The above mentioned lists are in no way and by no means exhaustive.
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Un Poemita
La Depresión del Muerte
No puedo hablar, no puedo decir nada
Pues, podrÃa pero no moverÃa el agua.
Nunca he sentido asà anteriormente
Como una niña callada de repente.
Entonces, espero que la sientas la emoción
Que dentro la cabeza crea tanta conmoción.
Rezo que puedas oÃr mis pensamientos
Que, a través de las nubes, intento meter en los cielos
Lágrimas del dolor mi corazón está llorando
La presión de la vida sigue aumentando.
No puedo luchar, no puedo hacer nada
Pues, podrÃa pero no moverÃa el agua.
No puedo hablar, no puedo decir nada
Pues, podrÃa pero no moverÃa el agua.
Nunca he sentido asà anteriormente
Como una niña callada de repente.
Entonces, espero que la sientas la emoción
Que dentro la cabeza crea tanta conmoción.
Rezo que puedas oÃr mis pensamientos
Que, a través de las nubes, intento meter en los cielos
Lágrimas del dolor mi corazón está llorando
La presión de la vida sigue aumentando.
No puedo luchar, no puedo hacer nada
Pues, podrÃa pero no moverÃa el agua.
Sunday, December 25, 2005
Do you believe in Christmas?
For the past two to three weeks, I have done everything humanly possible to evade any and every store imaginable. I have listened to people panic over the possibility that their loved ones won't recieve their gifts on time. I have encountered numerous "Christmas grumps" who scream and yell and start fights over the stupidest stuff or just for the fun of it. The number of people having heart attacks and strokes HAS to go up during the holiday season. And, I can't understand why.
This is Christmas...notice the first part of the word CHRISTmas. (I had to bold the letters because otherwise it may go unnoticed...like it seems to have everywhere else.) That is what is so funny to me. We cannot wish our students, our coworkers, or anyone we don't know a MERRY CHRISTMAS because it is a "religious holiday." Yet, finding religion on such a day has never proven to be more difficult.
Apparently, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. However, on this very day, because they feared low attendance, many churches were closed. Santa Claus, however, was able to make his presence (presents, whichever spelling applies) known. More stories were told of a make believe old man and his nine reindeer who travel the globe bringing joy to all of the children...but, how many were told of He who brings joy EVERYDAY to the whole world? Not nearly as many.
For those who did find an open church or went to the Saturday service, or midnight mass, how can you combine the belief of two entities whom you have never seen? Santa gets credit for bringing joy through toys, Jesus gives you life and love. For some, it doesn't work at all. Jesus provided made it possible for some to be able to buy the toys AND still have electricity and a place to live. Some will be relying on battery operated toys for their diversions. But for most, Jesus and Santa aren't in competition...on this day Santa wins. In fact, many don't think about Jesus and his 12 disciples, but Santa and his 9 reindeer.
I must say that the Bible clearly says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) And that gift, the gift of life and salvation, is much more valuable than anything an old fat man and his reindeer could bring, hands down. To get God's gift, there is no need for lines, no cause for stress, and plenty enough for everyone who wants in. There is never a need for a receipt or a credit card. You can enjoy this gift well after December 25, with no warranty papers to fill out... Guaranteed.
This is Christmas...notice the first part of the word CHRISTmas. (I had to bold the letters because otherwise it may go unnoticed...like it seems to have everywhere else.) That is what is so funny to me. We cannot wish our students, our coworkers, or anyone we don't know a MERRY CHRISTMAS because it is a "religious holiday." Yet, finding religion on such a day has never proven to be more difficult.
Apparently, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. However, on this very day, because they feared low attendance, many churches were closed. Santa Claus, however, was able to make his presence (presents, whichever spelling applies) known. More stories were told of a make believe old man and his nine reindeer who travel the globe bringing joy to all of the children...but, how many were told of He who brings joy EVERYDAY to the whole world? Not nearly as many.
For those who did find an open church or went to the Saturday service, or midnight mass, how can you combine the belief of two entities whom you have never seen? Santa gets credit for bringing joy through toys, Jesus gives you life and love. For some, it doesn't work at all. Jesus provided made it possible for some to be able to buy the toys AND still have electricity and a place to live. Some will be relying on battery operated toys for their diversions. But for most, Jesus and Santa aren't in competition...on this day Santa wins. In fact, many don't think about Jesus and his 12 disciples, but Santa and his 9 reindeer.
I must say that the Bible clearly says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) And that gift, the gift of life and salvation, is much more valuable than anything an old fat man and his reindeer could bring, hands down. To get God's gift, there is no need for lines, no cause for stress, and plenty enough for everyone who wants in. There is never a need for a receipt or a credit card. You can enjoy this gift well after December 25, with no warranty papers to fill out... Guaranteed.
Saturday, December 17, 2005
Can't Give Up Now
The pain of an eternal loneliness casts a dark shadow over my life. The scars left from this journey’s previous thorns are darkened and made deeper. At some moments, it is as if God himself has abandoned me. He promised never to leave or forsake me. He promised to bring comfort in times of need. He promised never to put more on me than I could bear. In the deepest core of my heart, I know this to be the truth. But now, I can’t reach that deep. Now my heart has stopped beating. My lungs have stopped breathing. I am dead.
The tears of suffering and frustration rush to my eyes creating a sudden and unstoppable waterfall. As the water cascades down my face, images of dreams play behind images of reality. I can’t make it stop. My body has been destroyed but not as severely as my heart and soul. The depth of suffering and pain on the inside far outweighs the same on the surface. I live now just to die later. While death is being postponed, life is through. What purpose could I have now?
My father turns in his eternal slumber at the idea that his name dies with me. The genetic traits passed on from his lineage end now. And why? Because I was chosen to be punished. I fear the worst is yet to come. Like a child with an abusive father, I try to decide what I have done to deserve this. I have to believe that this is what He wanted. That because of this happening now, something will blossom later. I have to believe that.
Just when I am getting ready to lose all hope and faith, there is a shift change at the hospital. My Doctor enters and with a single look, assures me. With a single word, He revives me. With a single touch, He begins to heal me. He gives me just enough to confirm my beliefs. Because I couldn’t reach any deeper, He extends His hand for me.
As I walk the journey of recovery, I fear nothing for I know I am not alone. I fear neither death nor life. I see that my life is but a small pixel in His plan; without me and my trials and tribulations, the picture cannot be completed. Every day, I now give thanks for the hurdles of my life because every time I have to jump over them, I am lifted closer to Him.
The tears of suffering and frustration rush to my eyes creating a sudden and unstoppable waterfall. As the water cascades down my face, images of dreams play behind images of reality. I can’t make it stop. My body has been destroyed but not as severely as my heart and soul. The depth of suffering and pain on the inside far outweighs the same on the surface. I live now just to die later. While death is being postponed, life is through. What purpose could I have now?
My father turns in his eternal slumber at the idea that his name dies with me. The genetic traits passed on from his lineage end now. And why? Because I was chosen to be punished. I fear the worst is yet to come. Like a child with an abusive father, I try to decide what I have done to deserve this. I have to believe that this is what He wanted. That because of this happening now, something will blossom later. I have to believe that.
Just when I am getting ready to lose all hope and faith, there is a shift change at the hospital. My Doctor enters and with a single look, assures me. With a single word, He revives me. With a single touch, He begins to heal me. He gives me just enough to confirm my beliefs. Because I couldn’t reach any deeper, He extends His hand for me.
As I walk the journey of recovery, I fear nothing for I know I am not alone. I fear neither death nor life. I see that my life is but a small pixel in His plan; without me and my trials and tribulations, the picture cannot be completed. Every day, I now give thanks for the hurdles of my life because every time I have to jump over them, I am lifted closer to Him.
Written to and for...well, you know who you are.
Mr. T.
Living in a world all of my own,
Dancing and smiling all the day long,
Then who should come to help with my phone,
A man who went to school with Raheim Devaughn.
We talked for quite some time in the store,
I sent him an email plea for some more,
From the very moment that we met,
I knew it was he I wanted to get.
He surprised me and responded to my plea,
Saying that unfortunately he was married.
I tried to unselfishly reconcile my feelings
And told myself I had to limit our dealings.
But, I just couldn’t stay away,
My emotions were out of control;
My feelings every whicha way.
Sexual tranquility was my new goal.
Now, today, as I watched him lick his lips
I imagined his hands holding my hips.
I dreamt of his body pressed against mine
Moaning and groaning and forgetting about time
Just that fast, I forgot about his wife
I forgot he had kids and a whole separate life.
I just thought of the passion he held in his eyes
I felt the warm sensations percolating between my thighs.
Selfishly, I remained in a trance,
Thinking, wondering what to do next.
I craved him so badly I didn’t want to breathe,
Unless I could inhale and exhale with him inside me.
I need to feel his lips as they touch mine,
I crave his tongue sliding really deep inside,
Tasting me softly and holding me tightly,
Caressing my softness in the firm of his hands.
And then, just at the moment when my desire is burning,
He penetrates my soul to extinguish my yearning.
Slow dancing with my heart and soul,
Heating the room like old fashioned coals.
On his back I ask him to lie,
I need to taste him so badly, I could cry.
Kissing him from his head on down
I listen as he fights to control the sounds.
Oh but I can’t; he tastes so good.
I am so ready, so in the mood.
I take him in slowly and savor his flavor
I dream about when he returns the favor.
My tongue dances with his manhood
Oh how his life feels and tastes so good!
God please, please wake me from this dream
Oh tell me this isn’t as good as it seems.
As I lay now awake, the dream now over
Feelings of guilt began to hover
How can I feel this way about a married man?
As if my values were being lost in quicksand.
I recognize that there are some mistakes
That can’t be made for his children’s sakes
That his marriage means that there’s love at home
Leaving absolutely no room for his heart to roam.
So ends the story of a intellectual affair
One that no one ever suspected was there.
A story of a physiological attraction so strong,
That felt so good, but was clearly so wrong.
I pray for his happiness in life,
May he and his family evade all strife,
For me, I pray for forgiveness
For playing the role of the evil temptress.
And so our paths have to part,
As they should have from the start.
To our own lives we return,
This meeting of the minds is now adjourned.
By: Doriannicole Haynes
August 2005
Can you Handle Me? (10 min Poetry)
Can You Handle Me?
I’m the darkest brown coffee bean;
And added to it, a little sugar and cream.
I’m the best vanilla ice cream in the world;
And add praline pecans and a thick caramel swirl.
I’m a hot cup of cinnamon apple tea;
Delicately sweetened with just enough honey.
I’m a warm soft peanut butter cookie;
With a Hershey’s kiss melting in its nookie.
I’m a chewy double fudge brownie square;
Invaded by white chocolate bits everywhere.
I’m a strip of caramel in a chocolate candy bar;
A Payday that makes em’ want to go to war.
I’m a “Hot Right Now” Krispy Kreme delight;
Can't resist the urge once I'm in your sight.
I’m a taste of the best Puerto Rican Rum;
With a splash of Coke, (don’t you want some?)
I’m a maximum strength Long Island Iced Tea;
A lot of strong flavors combined to make me.
Are you ready for the strength of my coffee;
The thickness of my swirl, the sweetness of my honey?
Can you handle the chocolate as it melts in your mouth?
Do you prefer the Delirium of the north or the Tropical Storm of the south?
Doriannicole Haynes
09 December 2005
I’m the darkest brown coffee bean;
And added to it, a little sugar and cream.
I’m the best vanilla ice cream in the world;
And add praline pecans and a thick caramel swirl.
I’m a hot cup of cinnamon apple tea;
Delicately sweetened with just enough honey.
I’m a warm soft peanut butter cookie;
With a Hershey’s kiss melting in its nookie.
I’m a chewy double fudge brownie square;
Invaded by white chocolate bits everywhere.
I’m a strip of caramel in a chocolate candy bar;
A Payday that makes em’ want to go to war.
I’m a “Hot Right Now” Krispy Kreme delight;
Can't resist the urge once I'm in your sight.
I’m a taste of the best Puerto Rican Rum;
With a splash of Coke, (don’t you want some?)
I’m a maximum strength Long Island Iced Tea;
A lot of strong flavors combined to make me.
Are you ready for the strength of my coffee;
The thickness of my swirl, the sweetness of my honey?
Can you handle the chocolate as it melts in your mouth?
Do you prefer the Delirium of the north or the Tropical Storm of the south?
Doriannicole Haynes
09 December 2005
Love Letter (Part I)
Make love to me, holding me so closely that our breaths synchronize. Poison me with your charm, your charisma, and your caring. Make love to my mind, pushing my imagination to seek new depths of passion. Make love to my soul, dancing with my spirit with each kiss. Dream with me. Take me deep into your most intimate fantasies. Pioneer new horizons, experiment with the unknown. Catch me, I am falling.
Watch as I slowly remove our barriers, exposing my hidden features to your eyes. Come close as I allay you of your obstacles. Gently gliding my hands and my body all over your dark chocolate skin, smooth like silk. My desire for you is growing every second. I am preparing to give your soul a home. Catch me, I am falling.
Delve deeply into my heart of desire. Let your sword be my weapon and I will take down your shield. Escape with me to places unknown, places lost to reality. Feel the heat of the summer. Caress my body like leaves on a breezy autumn day. Cradle me closely, as if it were winter. Let me emerge from within like the first day of spring. Catch me, I am falling.
Take my body, as I take yours, letting your sweet hardness melt in my mouth like cotton candy. I will discover your hidden pleasures. Come closer, deeper as if you were burying a treasure. Penetrate my soul. Oh, please… Oh, pleeease…Help me to lose control. Catch me….Yesss!! Hold me….I am falling…
Together, we can make Part II.
With love and great anticipation,
Doriannicole
Watch as I slowly remove our barriers, exposing my hidden features to your eyes. Come close as I allay you of your obstacles. Gently gliding my hands and my body all over your dark chocolate skin, smooth like silk. My desire for you is growing every second. I am preparing to give your soul a home. Catch me, I am falling.
Delve deeply into my heart of desire. Let your sword be my weapon and I will take down your shield. Escape with me to places unknown, places lost to reality. Feel the heat of the summer. Caress my body like leaves on a breezy autumn day. Cradle me closely, as if it were winter. Let me emerge from within like the first day of spring. Catch me, I am falling.
Take my body, as I take yours, letting your sweet hardness melt in my mouth like cotton candy. I will discover your hidden pleasures. Come closer, deeper as if you were burying a treasure. Penetrate my soul. Oh, please… Oh, pleeease…Help me to lose control. Catch me….Yesss!! Hold me….I am falling…
Together, we can make Part II.
With love and great anticipation,
Doriannicole
And What About Me?
A Sister’s Perspective… And What about Me?
Thank you, my brother for telling me what you want. It made me realize that I really do have a lot to offer… and a lot to learn.
But what about my needs? There are many books on “How to find…, How to love.., How to please…, or How to keep, etc., a Good Man.” Has anyone told you how to find, love, please, and keep me? Well, may I?
I want a GMC, a Good Man who is…
Christian… Someone who knows WHOSE he is and WHO he is in Christ. Somebody who doesn’t mind saying grace aloud (for BOTH of us) and ain’t afraid to say it in public. Someone who can pray with me, and when I ain’t acting right, pray FOR me, and when I’m going through, pray OVER me. I want a man that knows that Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”) is followed by verse 25 (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”). I need a warrior for the Lord, someone who will lead our battles against Satan, someone who is capable of being the spiritual head of our family.
Conscious… Someone who is conscious of his feelings and fears. Can you forget that while growing up, you were taught to hide your emotions? Why? Because our little boy will mimic and eventually become what you are. I want him to become a man who knows it’s okay to hug other men in fellowship and with agape love, and that it is okay to cry when you are hurt and/ or happy. I need a man who will love our little girl in such a way that she will grow up with serious expectations of a man and eventually, a husband. I love being with a man who is strong, but it’s okay to confide in me that you don’t have the answer… Best friends do that sometimes, ya know.
Consistent… I like a man who is a DOer not a TALKer. You don’t have to tell me what you are going to do. JUST DO IT!! I need a man who will be the man ALL THE TIME…even when it is not convenient or comfortable, and is sometimes confrontational.
Chivalrous…Yeah, it is nice to have doors opened (and closed), but it goes deeper than that. You know how you love those massages? Would you be willing to show me how good they feel to you? I know what your favorite meal is. When will you surprise me with mine? I like a man who becomes intimate with my likes and dislikes, preferences and whims.
Creative… Did you see “Soul Food”? I’d be interested in someone who could put that bathroom scene to shame. I want somebody who knows when to take his time… and when we don’t have a lot of time, someone who knows that the things he does for me ALL DAY (not a little bump ‘n’ grind, honey), can be considered as foreplay. Somebody who can pace himself and wait on me… Girl, can I get a witness? And can I please speak to the brother who doesn’t care about the WHEN or the WHERE as long as it is with me? You already know what kissing my ear will do, but them ears gets tired sometimes…what about that spot on the small of my back… naw, not there… over a little more. Ya’ll don’t hear me!!!
Chocolate... I don’t care if he is German chocolate, cappuccino chocolate, mocha, Swiss, white, single or double dipped in chocolate, jute gimme chocolate ‘cause that’s my favorite flavor.
And you may ask, my brother, what is in this for you?
Hmmmm… an ear and a shoulder instead of a mouth and a bad attitude, a good friend and confidant, maybe even your own customized half-time show during the football game, a nice bath when you get home from work… get the picture?
--Doriannicole Haynes
‘Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet, to be walked on. Not from his head, to be superior. But from the side, to be equal. Under the arm, to be protected, and next to the heart, to be loved.”
--- Hebrew Talmud
Thank you, my brother for telling me what you want. It made me realize that I really do have a lot to offer… and a lot to learn.
But what about my needs? There are many books on “How to find…, How to love.., How to please…, or How to keep, etc., a Good Man.” Has anyone told you how to find, love, please, and keep me? Well, may I?
I want a GMC, a Good Man who is…
Christian… Someone who knows WHOSE he is and WHO he is in Christ. Somebody who doesn’t mind saying grace aloud (for BOTH of us) and ain’t afraid to say it in public. Someone who can pray with me, and when I ain’t acting right, pray FOR me, and when I’m going through, pray OVER me. I want a man that knows that Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”) is followed by verse 25 (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”). I need a warrior for the Lord, someone who will lead our battles against Satan, someone who is capable of being the spiritual head of our family.
Conscious… Someone who is conscious of his feelings and fears. Can you forget that while growing up, you were taught to hide your emotions? Why? Because our little boy will mimic and eventually become what you are. I want him to become a man who knows it’s okay to hug other men in fellowship and with agape love, and that it is okay to cry when you are hurt and/ or happy. I need a man who will love our little girl in such a way that she will grow up with serious expectations of a man and eventually, a husband. I love being with a man who is strong, but it’s okay to confide in me that you don’t have the answer… Best friends do that sometimes, ya know.
Consistent… I like a man who is a DOer not a TALKer. You don’t have to tell me what you are going to do. JUST DO IT!! I need a man who will be the man ALL THE TIME…even when it is not convenient or comfortable, and is sometimes confrontational.
Chivalrous…Yeah, it is nice to have doors opened (and closed), but it goes deeper than that. You know how you love those massages? Would you be willing to show me how good they feel to you? I know what your favorite meal is. When will you surprise me with mine? I like a man who becomes intimate with my likes and dislikes, preferences and whims.
Creative… Did you see “Soul Food”? I’d be interested in someone who could put that bathroom scene to shame. I want somebody who knows when to take his time… and when we don’t have a lot of time, someone who knows that the things he does for me ALL DAY (not a little bump ‘n’ grind, honey), can be considered as foreplay. Somebody who can pace himself and wait on me… Girl, can I get a witness? And can I please speak to the brother who doesn’t care about the WHEN or the WHERE as long as it is with me? You already know what kissing my ear will do, but them ears gets tired sometimes…what about that spot on the small of my back… naw, not there… over a little more. Ya’ll don’t hear me!!!
Chocolate... I don’t care if he is German chocolate, cappuccino chocolate, mocha, Swiss, white, single or double dipped in chocolate, jute gimme chocolate ‘cause that’s my favorite flavor.
And you may ask, my brother, what is in this for you?
Hmmmm… an ear and a shoulder instead of a mouth and a bad attitude, a good friend and confidant, maybe even your own customized half-time show during the football game, a nice bath when you get home from work… get the picture?
--Doriannicole Haynes
‘Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet, to be walked on. Not from his head, to be superior. But from the side, to be equal. Under the arm, to be protected, and next to the heart, to be loved.”
--- Hebrew Talmud
Thursday, September 08, 2005
Overcoming Obstacles
Each day you live is a blessing, and each challenge you face is a blessing within that blessing. I know that, at times, it seems easier to just throw your hands up and quit, but then you walk away defeated. But when you persist, even when the outcome seems unfavorable, you have succeeded; for you have learned something, challenged yourself in ways never imagined, and attempted to do the impossible. For that, you wouldn’t be a failure but braver than the bravest lion and stronger than the strongest animal. On the other hand, if your efforts result in your favorable outcome, then, you have won all the way around.
While you are in battle, facing those challenges head on, be careful not to lose sight of your goal. If you aren’t sure of your goal; stop, step back, and find it. Be sure of your goal. Fighting a battle for no cause (or the wrong cause) is an unforgiving waste of energy and effort. It also ensures that you never succeed in attaining that goal.
Finally, when you are in the trenches, fighting for your life, remember to smile at your neighbor (and thank the Lord for the small miracle when he/she smiles back.) Never let your challenges or obstacles be so large that they cast a shadow over your life. You must still find time to smell the proverbial roses, to find yourself in someone’s loving embrace, to enjoy the many other blessings God has given you. Each day is a new start, the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t hesitate to live life richly as no one is promised even the next moment. So, in this sense, tomorrow could be your first and last day. Live it as such.
While you are in battle, facing those challenges head on, be careful not to lose sight of your goal. If you aren’t sure of your goal; stop, step back, and find it. Be sure of your goal. Fighting a battle for no cause (or the wrong cause) is an unforgiving waste of energy and effort. It also ensures that you never succeed in attaining that goal.
Finally, when you are in the trenches, fighting for your life, remember to smile at your neighbor (and thank the Lord for the small miracle when he/she smiles back.) Never let your challenges or obstacles be so large that they cast a shadow over your life. You must still find time to smell the proverbial roses, to find yourself in someone’s loving embrace, to enjoy the many other blessings God has given you. Each day is a new start, the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t hesitate to live life richly as no one is promised even the next moment. So, in this sense, tomorrow could be your first and last day. Live it as such.
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