Doriannicole's Thoughts

Insomnia

2011-05-24T17:42:00.000-05:00

Silence. Deafening Silence. Silence so loud I cannot hear my own thoughts, Instead, words just clammer and smash into each other creating a quiet chaos, a derailment of order. Tornados, hurricanes and floods undo painstaking organization. Paper jam, misfeed. Ideas caught within a machine, misplaced, full of smeared black ink.

I try to catch the thoughts, to transport them into orderly patterns, recovery positions. Words, emotions, flying around me, entering and exiting as I inhale and exhale. Suddenly, I stop breathing, and the world calms around me. Gasp...inhale. In goes the day's worries, appointments, to do lists, heartache, madness. Exhale, the flames fueled by my oxygen, become chaotic and hot. I can't touch my own thoughts, they burn my mind on the inside causing my organs to sweat.

Writing them down, my words, my loud silence, leaves me with blank pages, white with no black. A tombstone with no inscription. Death to thought. What comes with such death, but a plague that demonizes all words, ideas, thought. Sleep...close to death, sleep. Darkness prevails over the lightness of words and ideas. Words become dreams, forgotten experiences, nightmares, and haunting revelations. Ideas are soaked in reality and washed until dry.

Finding Balance and Putting Yourself First

2010-09-28T11:59:00.000-05:00

We all struggle to find the time to do certain tasks and balancing is something that seems to be elusive. Let me share something with you that may be helpful. There were two sentences that have dramatically changed my life. The first was in a book, titled Life After Trauma, by Rosenbloom and Williams (1999). As a relatively recent survivor of a life-threatening attack, I sought out a book that would help me to put my life back in order. I determined that I sought to be better than I was before the incident. The first life-changing sentence identified the first step in that very long journey:

"Do unto yourself as you would do unto others" (p.91).

In other words, put yourself first. Make yourself and your goals a priority. Do those things that you often find yourself advising others to do. Take your own advice. Take the time out each day to think about those goals that are most important. I made a list of goals, things that I wanted to do for myself. One of which was to develop a plan to get to know myself. I want to be my own best friend: laughing at myself, loving myself, knowing intimately how my mind, body, and soul work together. Another goal was to learn to make time to put myself first, to spend time making me a better person - a better wife, daughter, educator, employee, leader, scholar, etc. Remember not to confuse goals with tasks. The latter consists of only those things that you feel have to be accomplished, while goals would capture the accomplishments and successes that make you feel good at the end of the day.
The second sentence that changed my life falls right in after that and can be attributed to Stephen R. Covey (2003):

"The key is not to prioritize what's on your schedule, but to schedule your priorities" (p.77)

I'd always thought I was doing this, until I came across that sentence. So, I reorganized my planning. I wrote a list of true priorities by asking and answering the some of the questions that are often overlooked in this era of hustle and bustle. I asked myself: What is truly important to me? How would I like to live my life, and What would make my heart happy? When I answered these questions, I realized that my relationships with myself, my family, and my friends; my spiritual journey; my continual self-improvement via unmitigated self-awareness; the financial welfare of my family; and my professional growth and development.

With these questions answered, I printed a blank calendar for the week. And, for the first week, I wrote down everything I did. Everything. Then, on Saturday morning, before my husband or family could distract me, I sat down and crossed off everything on the list that didn't fit in the above description. Amazingly, so much of my time was being spent on other people's priorities!!!! I was shocked at how much attention I'd given everyone else, in unbelievable contrast to the lack thereof for myself. The next step was to change it. So, I created a schedule that began with my priorities filled in. Any blank time could be consumed by those 'non-importants;' but I scheduled everything as if it were an appointment. I scheduled time with my husband, lunch (I had not taken a lunch at work in over a year), gym time, personal meditation, church/fellowship time, and of course, my job and my school work. What I found was that, when I do more for me, I am able to do more for others. If we are to praise the concept of servant leadership, then we should find ways to apply it and recognize that you cannot do for others what you cannot do for yourself. What I once thought as selfish has turned into the only means by which selflessness can continue to exist.

I cannot tell you how much this activity has done to enhance my work/life/school/family/volunteer service/spiritual journey balance. I strongly encourage any and everyone to take that time to provide yourself with the care that you need.

Resources:

Covey, Stephen R. (2004). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Powerful Lessons In Personal Change. Free Press: New York.
Covey, Stephen R. (2003). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People: Personal Workbook. Free Press: New York
Rosenbloom, D. and Williams, M. (1999). Life After Trauma: A Workbook For Healing.The Gulford Press: New York

Organizational and Personal Change

2010-09-02T12:36:00.001-05:00

There are many people who are going about their lives always speaking of the changes they want to make, but not having the discipline or understanding of how to make those changes. I am no exception. As I read new texts, I build the capacity for change. This will allow me to engage those newly acquired concepts in a meaningful and effective manner.

Michael Fullan (2008) talks about the six secrets of change. His book focuses on change in organizations, but just think about how that could also be applied to us individually. He identifies the secrets as stated below:

Love your Employees
Connect Peers with Purpose
Capacity Building Prevails
Learning is the Work
Transparency Rules
Systems Learn

The first secret speaks of loving your employees enough to make work something they can enjoy. Allow them the freedom to grow and watch the effectiveness and commitment increase.

The second secret is about connecting and building effective relationships. Networking, sharing ideas, and getting to know the people you work with/for can make work more satisfying. The happier the employee, the better the level of work.

The third secret "concerns competencies, resources, and motivation. Individuals and groups are high in capacity if they possess and continue to develop knowledge and skills, if they attract and use resources (time, ideas, expertise, money) wisely, and if they are committed to putting in the energy to get important things done collectively and continuously (ever learning)" (p. 57).

The fourth secret tells us that we should be always striving for balance between consistency and improvement. We have to be consistent in our methods, consistent in our interactions, our expectations and our mission. However, we also need to be open to vias of improvement, better efficiency, increased effectiveness, and precision and accuracy.

The fifth secret is to be open about your agenda. Let it be know what you intend to do and how you intend to do it. Allow others in to provide accountability and reinforcement. This doesn't mean that everyone must know every detail. Instead it means giving people more than just the end. Show progress, show employees how their efforts are making a difference NOW and not just at the end.

Finally, the last secret involves 'lac(ing) the culture with a theory that will travel over time, in which leadership manifests itself at all levels of the organization" (p.109). This also requires humility, recognizing though, that while you can increase the odds of success, you cannot guarantee it. Lofty goals serve no useful purpose; being realistic about the goals we set and taking the path that is most likely to get us there will ultimately result in more success.

Change within an organization requires change on an individual level. The change may come in the form of new systems, new technology, more globalized economies, etc., but what must stay consistent, is the commitment to personal and organizational excellence. This can only be achieved by having a personal identity, knowing who you are and what you represent, setting realistic and attainable goals, and reshaping your culture to allow effective change to occur.

Reference:

Fullan, Michael (2008). The Six Secrets of Change: What the Best Leaders Do to Help Their Organizations Survive and Thrive. Jossey-Bass: San Francisco.

Simple Pleasures

2010-08-25T20:32:00.000-05:00

Somewhere, some time, maybe back in middle school, I lost sight of the small things that bring joy to my life. And, because of the serendipitous reunion with strawberry kiwi caprisuns, a little taste of my childhood idealism has returned. Funny, some things just have the ability to bring you back to a place of peace...whether caprisuns, eggos (with each square filled with the sweetest Log Cabin syrup), or playing in the rain--even getting my hair wet!

What else gives me pleasure? Hmmm. I think I am going to be on a mission now, to seek out the small things, the forgotten, simple pleasures that bring me brief moments of happiness... where do I start?

Spiritual Retreat: Day Three

2010-05-25T23:11:00.001-05:00

Responsibility: Response + ability...we have the ability to choose our responses.
                               --Stephen Covey

Today served a unique purpose for me. I did a lot of reflecting and application exercises. I didn't really get more in depth with my reading, rather, I took some time to really ponder how the information I've gathered over the last few days can really help me. This journey is going to take far more than a three day sabbatical from human contact, but it has been very eye opening so far.

There are some things in life that will never change. I am okay with that. There are some things that will. I am okay with that. And then there are those things that I have the ability to change, but often lack the courage or wisdom to do so. I am often overwhelmed by such responsibilty that the action never takes place. Today stops all of that.

Tomorrow, I will reenter the world. But I am making myself some very serious promises. I am putting them out there because doing so provides a sense of accountability for my actions or lack thereof. So, starting now, I promise...

1. To find ways to love me first. Each day, I will find something about me or my life that I absolutely adore.
2. Not to be selfish, but to put myself as a priority. I need to recognize that I can't be much help to anyone
    else if I am falling apart.
3. To continue on this journey, no matter what. I am committing to no less than 30 min a day for reflection
    and meditation on things learned this week.
4. To seek professional guidance. To engage my therapist and my pastor in this process. Listening first.
5. To finish reading the books and working through the workbooks.
6. To do something productive with my experiences (help someone else, write, etc.)
7. To allow myself to feel whatever it is I am feeling when I am feeling it.
8. To become better at communicating and allowing others into my world.
9. To finish what I start. Period.
10. To live, laugh and love...myself, my family, my friends, my life.

I am still sorting through the baggage, but I am beginning to understand some of it. Which, in turn, will allow me to put it where it belongs.

Life is to short to be stuck in one place.

Spiritual Retreat: Day Two

2010-05-24T23:40:00.002-05:00

A new golden rule could read: Do for yourself as you would do for others.
--Dena Rosenbloom, PhD

Today was particularly insightful because I didn't spend time assessing the experiences of my life, rather, I explored how I'd reacted to them. I stepped out of my own situation and looked back as if I were a friend of mine who wanted to give me advice. I realized that I am pretty good at encouraging others, loving others, and taking care of others, but I am horrible at taking care of me. What good will I be to the rest of the world if I am too tired, worn out, frustrated, angry to take care of myself? So today was about me.

I explored physical reactions, behavioral reactions, mental reactions and emotional reactions. I noted my inability to really relax in most environments. (Even at home, I sleep with my teeth clenched together). My shoulders are seldom relaxed, my body rarely stops moving. The headaches, the upset stomachs, the rashes that develop randomly on my legs or arms, chronic fatigue, and the lightheaded moments are all physical responses to my anxiety and stress.

Every experience changes you. Sometimes for better, sometimes for worse. Many of my experiences, both good and bad, have changed the way I think about myself, how I perceive the world around me, and how people are in general. These negative experiences are no different. My hyper vigilance, difficulty concentrating and nightmares are all mental reactions to my past.

Behavioral reactions for me have included being withdrawn and isolated, avoidance of places or situations, and a change in my ability to connect intimately with others. Intimacy is not just a word used for couples, but with anyone you connect with and share my personal life with. My relationships have been affected dramatically, and the emotional consequences have been devastating.

Constantly being fearful, being sad, depressed, angry, numb, etc. takes a lot out of a person. And trying to protect others from your emotions makes me distance myself from them in other ways, lessening my ability to trust someone else.

These reactions are draining, miserable feelings. And, so I found ways to minimize how often I felt them. These are my coping strategies. Funny though, I'd never considered some of the things I do to be a mechanism for coping, rather, just personality traits.

I made a list of 'coping strategies,' both good and bad, that I use to get through things. As I'd identified before, my first strategy is to put it away for later. I just forget about it, focusing on something 'more important.' I have 6 degrees, not because I'm brilliant, but because I was in a lot of pain and school was a lot more pleasant. I control everything I can control (my work, my home, how things are organized, my weight, etc.) I clean all the time, reorganizing almost daily. I get lost in projects at home, building something, fixing something, making something, etc. And, when all of that is done, I use my 'accomplishments' as proof that my situation wasn't so bad after all. Then, I do everything I can to forget about it completely.

I have a definite pattern. I've employed this system of 'chaos resolution' for as long as I can remember. So today, after reading a few chapters in a book about relaxation after trauma, I tried some new techniques. I hadn't even realized my teeth were clenched, or that my shoulders were contracted. I didn't notice that I was bending my fingers back, etc. until I stopped. Until I actually lay in bed and assessed my body, part by part.

I did a relaxation exercise that lasted about an hour, allowing me to go through each part of my body and to relax each area deliberately.Then, I listened to music. I wrote poetry. I created new dreams. I made a dream catalogue...ever wondered what you could do with all of those story beginnings?

I began writing letters to the most important people in my life, both good and bad. I wrote to the members of my family that support me all the time, to the members that I need to learn to forgive, to the friends that have stuck by me, and to those who have hurt me. I wrote to each of the perpetrators separately, naming them, giving each one a face, a name...which surprisingly made them look human, not like monsters. A lot less scary, and a lot easier to overcome.

Finally, I took off every article of clothing and took pictures of every part of my body. I printed them out and put them together as best as I could on the floor. I went and documented every mark, every scar, everything I hated, AND everything I loved. I found that there is more about me that I like than things that I don't. I just harp on the things that I don't so often that I forget about the things that aren't so bad. That was a big lesson to learn for me, one that can and should be applied to other areas of my life.

Tomorrow, I will look at my reactions more in depth. I will try to find healthier alternatives. I will finish my letters. Some will be mailed, others won't. I am doing this for me.

Spiritual Retreat: Day One

2010-05-23T23:13:00.002-05:00

What wound did ever heal but by degrees?
--- Shakespeare, Othello

Today's journey began with a moment of appreciation upon waking up. Instead of getting up and getting dressed right away, I laid in bed and thought of as many positives about my life as I could. I thanked God for them. I prayed that God would order my steps in this process and I promised to try to submit to His will and abandon my own.

I went to church today with a different attitude. I have only begun to go to church about a month ago after a hiatus of about a year and a half. I felt that I had lost faith. My world had been rocked and God had let it happen. I have been angry at Him since. So, I essentially abandoned Him when I needed him the most.

In my family, we have an 'inside joke' where we declare that Jesus is coming in a Hyundai. I have a Hyundai and I have extended that to include that He is going to talk to me through that GPS system. So, I've put it to the test. I choose the church service I am going to attend by selecting 'nearby churches' and seeing what pops up. Then I just randomly select a service to attend. So far, so good.

Today, however, was something unexpected. I went to a church service that was only 40 minutes long (and there were a lot of brown people--I didn't know brown people had church services under 2 hours!) Anyway, I digress. But the 40 minutes were important. The pastor's sermon was about Faith. He talked about how God tests our faith. Not because he doesn't know who we are, but because he wants us to know more about who we are...by passing these tests, we are made stronger in him. The pastor spoke of the story of Abraham and Issac. In summary, God had asked Abraham to sacrifice his only son, a son that had been born after great turmoil and strife, the only heir to Abraham. Abraham had been following God for 25 years. His faith was mature and strong, still, surely he had some reservations about what God was asking him to do. Yet, he acted immediately. He did as God told him to do, faithful that God would stop him from doing that, but that if he didn't, then it was for a reason. So, he took great care and took Issac to the place where he'd been told to go. He'd left his servants at the bottom of the mountain telling them to wait there for Isaac and him to return. (Declaration of Faith because he claimed God's mercy before going up there.) On the way up there and as he built the altar, Isaac asked where the lamb was that they were going to sacrifice. Abraham replied that 'God will provide the animal for sacrifice.' Now, the passage doesn't talk about Isaac and how he must have been flipping the heck out (because I certainly would have been), but it does speak to the calmness of Abraham. Although he didn't agree, he trusted God enough to continue. Just as he was going to slay Isaac, an angel called to him to stop. He was told to take Isaac down. Just then, a ram, caught in some shrubs or something appeared. This was the offering that Abraham knew would come. In that, his faith had been tested, tried, and made stronger. He was being prepared for obstacles to come.

I thought about my own faith. And, I thought I'd matured it very well. I had been tested. I had overcome many obstacles. But, I hadn't finished the process. I hadn't dealt with the emotions, I hadn't given them to God, I just hid them. Out of sight, out of mind, right? Well, when I was raped, again, I thought God had forsaken me. I was angry that he would allow something so horrific to happen to me when all I was trying to do is to live right by Him. I carried that anger and bitterness and it just intensified over the last year and a half. No matter how I look at it, God is in me. So if I hate God, I end up hating me. When I start doubting God, I start to doubt me. And if God doesn't love me enough to protect me, then how can anyone else? How can I justify loving me? I have spent the last year and a half feeling inadequate, unloved, empty, worthless. I am filled with shame, guilt, frustration, anger, and I have pushed away the people closest to me. I've isolated myself in an effort to 'protect them' from my drama. And so, while everyday is filled with people, I am completely alone.

I came home from church, broke my social fast to encourage my little sister, and returned to my solitude. I wish I had as much confidence as I portray to others. I wish I thought as highly of myself as my sister thinks of me. It was hard for me to admit how much I hated myself. I wasn't sure what it was that I hated either. I can't make a list of crap I hate, I just don't like it.I'd gone to Barnes and Noble's late last night to find some guidance in this process. I picked up 5 books.

I began to read a book called "Life After Trauma." I was emotional after the first few pages when I saw myself in every paragraph. So, per the advice of the book, I put it down and took a break from it. I went to the lake and read a book called "Learning to Love Yourself." This book was very enlightening. I began to understand why I feel how I do about myself. I spent time journaling about the events in my life that made me feel how I do. I realized that I generalized a lot of things into the confines of one or two incidents. I recognized that I am a workaholic perfectionist, who suffers from obsessive compulsive disorder, and has not figured out how to forgive others. I learned that I am angry, not just sad or ashamed as I'd thought. I am really angry. But instead of addressing it, I allow it to simmer. I focus on achieving at work, at school, etc. But, like any addiction or short term remedy, your tolerance grows and you need more and more to feel the same way. So, now, it is not unlike me to work from 0730-2300hrs. It is not like me to leave things undone. But what's worse, is that I no longer gain satisfaction from completing a task or project, I just find other things that I need to get done. And the cycle continues.

The book has given me some strategies; one of which was to remove negative relationships out of my life. So, a lot of names got deleted from the phone. I sent out 'resignation emails' to people letting them know how I felt their relationship to me was caustic and that I am doing what I need to do to take care of me. And, I was, for the first time in a long time, brutally honest about my feelings, without real regard to those of the receiving party. It wasn't to be callous, but to say what I should have said a long time ago.

The book didn't cover all that I'd hoped it would, but it was great for realizing the degree of my situation. I didn't know until today that things were so far beyond bad. And, it gave me hope that with some effort, a lot of faith, I could recover...but that just as it took a long time to get this bad, it will take some time to find real and complete peace.

Tomorrow starts a new day.

Spiritual Retreat: Introduction

2010-05-22T23:00:00.000-05:00

That I feed the beggar, that I forgive an insult, that I love my enemy...all of these are undoubtedly great virtues...But what if I should discover that the least amongst them all, the poorest of the beggars, the most impudent of all offenders, yea the very fiend himself--that these are within me, and that I myself stand in need of the alms of my own kindness, that I myself am the enemy who must be loved--what then?
--Carl Jung, Psychology and Religion:West and East

In my world, it is difficult for me to put myself in a position of priority. I spend most of my time and energy catering to the needs of others. I work long hours, I volunteer all the time,and I seldom take a moment to relax. My 'free time' is often cluttered with projects and tasks, I clean non-stop, etc. As much time as I spent decorating my house, I have not really stopped long enough to enjoy it. My television has been used primarily for guests (which are typically children I babysit).

In the chaos of this frenetic activity, I am able to ignore the internal struggles of my life. I am able to suppress my emotions, my feelings, and to be 'successful.' I am a hard-worker, always recognized for my outstanding performance at work and at school. I am 'all degreed up' and I seem to be doing well for myself. I volunteer just about every weekend. I don't drink (very seldom) and I go to the gym almost everyday. In this regard, I have no time to display any emotions. I just smile and portray an image that all is well, even when I know it isn't. For a few hours of the day, I even begin to believe that myself.

But, in the evenings, when I am home alone, the tears fall. In the shower, the tears fall. At night,when I can't sleep, the tears fall. When I wake up frantic from night terrors, the tears fall. When I wake up to see the bruises I've left on my own body in my sleep, the tears fall. But then, I wake up to a new opportunity to excel at what I do best, pretend that everything is okay.

I have always had issues here and there to deal with. But it was just recently, when confronted with yet another issue, that it dawned on me that my situation was far graver than I'd originally thought it to be. I hadn't realized how much I had suppressed until I could hold no more. I hadn't realized how much hurt and pain I carried around, how much emotional baggage I pulled along every day. After a while, I'd just stopped feeling things. I'd just say my usual 'whatever,' and ignore how it may have made me feel...and eventually it seemed to be forgotten. Until now.

I listened today, by chance, to a song by Alicia Keys on her Elements of Freedom album called "Pray for Forgiveness.' It shook me up unexpectedly. I began to cry so hard that I had to pull over and gather myself. It took me 20 minutes to regain my composure enough to drive home. I kept thinking, I am drowning in my own tears, and nobody notices. Even those who may have an idea of where I am, really have no understanding of the depth of my emotion. I understood that I needed real help, not from a therapist (I've been seeing one for almost a year and a half), but from the Maker of my emotions. I need to get back in conversation with God. I need to rebuild my faith. I need to accept my past for what it was, and accept the changes to me, therein. You cannot be the person you were before life happens to you, there will be some changes. How you handle the experiences, what you change, how you learn to cope with your situations dictate the level of success you can have in recovering.

I haven't recovered. From any of it. I thought I had, but I just hid it; even from myself. I told myself I was okay. I convinced myself that my relationship with God was okay. I felt like I was doing just fine in life, until 14 November 2008, when it just got turned upside down and all of my dirty laundry fell out for all to see...not just that situation, but the pain and hurt I'd endured and suffered in silence my whole life.

So, I am taking a spiritual retreat, beginning tomorrow. I will pray, meditate, and fast (social fasting). I will step away from the commotion in my life and be still. Only then can I hear the answers. I am chronicling this very personal experience, not because I want everyone to know my business, but because I know there is someone who will read this and understand all too well how I feel at this moment. There may be someone who is on the verge of giving up (I've been there a time or two) and needs a little encouragement to continue. If I suffer in silence, no one will know. No one will be able to grow as a result of my experience.

Beautiful

2010-04-17T22:04:00.000-05:00

That night, as I walked into the room, I was almost trembling; nervous about how he would see me. My black satin lace negligee was covered by a matching satin robe, tightly tied to prevent any unintended exposure.

I’d been preparing for this all day. I’d just taken a bubble bath to soothe my mind- candles illuminated the room, emanating a soft lavender aroma. As I bathed, I took my daily solemn inventory of my scars, remembering the birth of each one as parts of me died. Tears felt slowly into the water, disappearing, worthless, lost. How could anyone think this is beautiful? How could something that originated in such darkness and evil ever be good?

My hands trembled as I added lotion to my skin, creating a sheer separation between those moments and this night that I’d been planning for months since then. God, I hope it’s dark enough in the room…
By the time I opened the bedroom door, he’d already lit all of the candles, prepared the pillow and made a place for me. The soft scent of vanilla and chamomile immediately began to calm me. As I looked up, I noticed his gaze. He looked at me as if there had never existed a woman more beautiful. My heart was racing; I swallowed hard and moved slowly toward him.

It had been months since I’d allowed anyone to touch me. His hands reached out slowly to take mine. He looked at me with so much love and affection. I looked thankfully back at him, gazing into his eyes. His grip tightened gently to assure me. He pulled me closer to him, caressed my hair and then put his hand softly on my cheek. Without a single spoken word, I knew he loved me, I knew this moment was beautiful. I knew that he was going to touch my body, I’d prepared for that. But I didn’t know how I was going to react as he made love to my heart and soul.

Gently, his hand moved to my shoulder, to my arm, and to my waist. I held him back, tears filling my eyes as he untied my belt. The robe dropped to the floor, and I stood there, vulnerable, exposed. The satin-laced negligee was form-fitting and very short-teasingly exposing. “Beautiful. Simply beautiful,” he whispered. My heart melted and I finally exhaled, allowing my body to relax a bit.

He brought his hand gently to my side and guided me onto the bed. He carefully and slowly undressed me, inching my negligee past my hips, my back, my breast, warming my body with his sensual as he exposed skin to the flittering light from the candles. He looked at me, softly, sincerely, deeply ‘Beautiful. Simply beautiful.”

In an instant, the automatic reflexes of my self-consciousness forced my hand up to cover as much of the scarring as possible. And just as quickly, he placed his hand on top of mine and slowly eased them to my side. He held them there, reassuringly. “Why do you hide yourself from me,” he asked gently. The tears began to well up in the bottom of the my eyes as I responded “They are such ugly reminders of the worst moments of my life.”

He leaned in closer, and placed his soft, succulent lips on the tip of the worst of the scars. “With this,” he whispered softly “you became more of who you are today. Scars are a testament healing, survival, resilience, courage…and that’s nothing less than absolutely beautiful.” He bent down and kissed every single inch of each scar. Between his kisses and soft caresses, he whispered over and over again “Rare beauty…Damn; just beautiful.” And in that moment, I felt beautiful.

I sat up to kiss his lips. We embraced, melting and molding into each others’ arms. I was ready to let him be a part of me. I pulled him closer, leaning my body slowly back to meet soft bend of the satin covered pillow. I allowed my body to melt into the bed, releasing my thighs as he lowered his body into mine.

Gently, slowly, he danced with my soul to the most beautiful melody imaginable. The easy rhythm that our bodies assumed flooded my senses with an array of sensual cues. I felt whole. I felt loved. I felt beautiful.

A new spring....

2010-03-01T23:06:00.000-05:00

A new phase of my life awaits me. A new beginning, a new chance, a new opportunity to be better than I am stands before me. The newness of everything superficially feels refreshing, exciting, and promising. Beneath the surface, though, fear, anxiety, and panic fill my body and mind. Worry overwhelms my senses, making sleep an impossible chore. So, I sit awake, here, writing to you.

The fear that crowds my thoughts every day and scripts my dreams each night is not a normal fear. It may or may not be rational, may or may not be understandable, but it is definitely powerful. Fear and happiness cannot coincide peacefully. This is to say that if someone is filled with fear, then they are void of happiness. Fear can only displace happiness; and happiness displaces fear. Happiness cannot exist without peace. I’ve figured out that without my fear, I could never have appreciated the joy. Without the darkness shadows, we can never recognize the light.
I fell in love with happiness; with peace. It loved me back, hard and good. There were times when I feared less, and loved life more. There were dark and desolate times when fear stole my joy completely. And just when I couldn’t live through the darkness, your light shone brilliantly. You brought so much peace into my world, and when I felt peace, I felt happiness. I felt the warmth of your rays on my soul. And yes, fear always exists outside of the confines of my room, but it is diminished so much by your presence. It’s hard for a shadow to maintain its integrity in the sunlight. And if the sun is before you, then shadows are forced to the rear.

As I write this, I listen to your breaths, watch your chest rise and fall. I feel the vibrations of your dreams resonating within me. Peace and happiness are alive, but not inside of me. Tears fall uncontrollably. My heart aches. My stomach tightens at the thought of leaving your side. All of the peace I’ve found becomes futile, inadequate; I don’t know how to own it, produce it, or find it. I only absorbed it, embraced it. I never made it.

I am trying to fill my mind with positive thoughts. I am remembering the laughs we shared, the long engrossed conversations we’ve had. I remember our duck talks and I laugh out loud. I remember your pen tattoos and I smile. I remember our expensive cab rides, our city explorations, our pillow fights, manicures, pedicures, spa trips. I think of roses.

I feel like a rose. A rose who was once part of a healthy bush, stolen from her home; I was thrown to the hard and lonely streets. Many people passed by, many people kicked me, stepped on me, stepped over me. But you didn’t. You saw I didn’t belong. You picked me up, clipped my stem, and fed me. You loved me and allowed me to be part of your space. You allowed me to bloom, to feel the sun’s rays, to develop and grow. And now, as our paths take us in opposite directions, I am thirsty for more. The more I thirst, the more I begin to wither. Slowly, I am fading. Already, I am fading. I pray for my survival.

I watch you and I look around the room. And I remember butterflies. I feel like a butterfly. Once caged within my own cocoon; afraid of all that exists outside. I tortured myself in my cocoon. I hated myself there. But, one day, I ventured out to get my mail; I noticed a small crack in the wall of my shell. I peeked through and saw and felt the glorious sunlight. It felt so good and warm and it embraced me. It loved me, unconditionally, just because. And, in its light, I played outside, I danced, I laughed, I smiled, I loved the sun right back. From the darkness of night and the storms I still hide, but I can still peek through the cracks. Now, my world begins to darken, my shell becomes more inviting. The cold dark outside appears dismal because the sun has gone away. My wings are brittle, my strength is fading. Already, I am fading. I need to subsist.

My heart beats for the sunny days. I will cherish forever the kisses of the sun. I vow to continue now, not because it will be easy, but because I have learned that it can’t rain all day, every day. I see that more now than ever before, because now I open the window; because now, because of you, I can peek outside. Wisdom spoke to me, saying that no one can ever hurt me any worse than they already have. I have control over whether or not they win. Resilience. Patience. Courage. Determination. Conviction. For me, it is the only way to ensure my survival.

I haven’t lost all of my optimism; I still want to change the world, to make a difference. Sometimes, in order to change the world, we have to first change ourselves. And sometimes, that change begins somewhere else. Sometimes, that change begins with a simple statement, a warm smile, and a surprisingly easy conversation. Something so simple, yet so powerful has come to change the way I see the world and how the world sees me, forever.

Old People Dance to 'Billie Jean,' Provide Best Memorial to Michael Jackson Yet

2010-02-04T21:31:00.000-05:00

Old People Dance to 'Billie Jean,' Provide Best Memorial to Michael Jackson Yet

I love how much life these men have. Michael Jackson may not have been perfect, but this proves he was and continues to be a powerful and inspirational force!

Obama to Repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" policy

2010-01-29T00:30:00.002-05:00

http://www.aolnews.com/politics/article/barack-obama-vows-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-military-policy-on-gays/19334979?icid=mainmaindl1link7http%3A%2F%2Fwww.aolnews.com%2Fpolitics%2Farticle%2Fbarack-obama-vows-repeal-of-dont-ask-dont-tell-military-policy-on-gays%2F19334979

In 2010, in a world where gay marriage is accepted, where gay pride flags are recognized by nearly everyone, it should be hard to believe that this has brought so much controversy.

Like racism, anti-gay policies have resulted in a huge disservice for America. When I was swearing in to come into the Air Force, I almost backed out. In a video moments before, they explained in detail what it meant to commit "homosexual acts" and how such acts could result in court-martial and possibly immediate and less than honorable discharge.

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Was it that serious? Really? I, wrongfully and remorsefully, justified the video as a means to promote sexual privacy...or something. I was so convinced that the Air Force was what I wanted to do, that I ignored that video.

Then, since I have been in, I have seen the effects of that policy. I have met Airmen who have been forced to live an "alternative" lifestyle. They have been forced to declare themselves heterosexual or to remain completely closeted. Not only do they have the government to fear, but they have their fellow service members to fear as well. Hate crimes do occur in the military.

So, we are fighting in two wars, our men and women die everyday; we serve everyday to protect the freedoms afforded us by our Constitution. But, while we serve, we cannot live those freedoms? It isn't enough that we have to worry about terrorists attacking us and protecting our families back home? We now should care about the sexual orientation of our wingman? We don't have time to care about that. And even if we did, what good does that do?

I am not homosexual, I don't really agree with the principles associated with it, but I accept people wholly for who they are. At the end of the day, you have to live with your decisions and I have to deal with mine. I choose not to judge people, but to accept them and be tolerant of our differences.

I am vegetarian. There are many who don't agree with the principles and the concepts that permit my decision. But that's who I am. Am I less of a person because of it? Should I say I am not Christian? The Bible allows people to eat meat. So, should I be kicked out of the military because I take all of the vegetarian MREs? I mean seriously. People can choose to accept it or not. This is not to undermine the seriousness of the issue but to highlight the pettiness and the shame of the situation.

To the senator that claimed that "this country was founded on the Christian principles of heterosexuality," I say back- this country was founded on hatred, intolerance, and the backs and lives of others. I would even suggest that some of the members of the Nina, Pinta, and the Santa Maria were closeted homosexuals. And, I am quite certain that they all partook in the turkey dinner!

Just my thoughts...what do you think?

Chris Matthews MSNBC: 'I Forgot Obama Was Black for an Hour'

2010-01-29T00:21:00.001-05:00

Chris Matthews MSNBC: 'I Forgot Obama Was Black for an Hour'

What do you think about this?

Personally, I am not in the least bit surprised. It is so easy for someone who does not live a problem daily to feel as if we have somehow overcome that problem. Racism is alive and well. It's not just against Black people, it's against Latinos, Asians, and even Caucasians. The perpetrators are not all Caucasian either. I have known Black people to denigrate other Black people (i.e. Jamaicans, Africans, Haitians, etc). I have witnessed people of all colors and socioeconomic status promote racist views of other races. Unfortunately, as I sit here to type this, I cannot say that there has been any major group of people against whom racism hasn't been thrust. There is no question about the prominence of racism in American or even global society.

However, the effect of the racism varies from one population to another. Black people have felt the pain of it for hundreds of years. That has not subsided. Nor will I be willing to claim that it has begun to subside. It has never been the case that every White person hated Black people or even succumbed to the beliefs that have driven the egregiously committed acts and policies of American history. I uphold that today, racism is not the flaw of every White person. However, it is a flaw of more than we'd like to admit. It is the flaw of many Americans- of all races- way more than we'd like to say.

Again, though, the question returns to the effect of the racism. If a prominent Black man decided not to like White people, would that influence an election or a major policy? Would it change the way Americans see the White person? Would they question his nationality? his morals? his ethics? No. They would think the Black person was offensive and racist. The majority of Americans would call it what it would be: RACISM. But when the tables are turned, does this still hold true? I'd think not.

We have always known the White man to be the hegemony of the world, especially here in America. He sits at a huge table where his influence reaches far and wide. Yes, we are starting to have dialogue at this table, but he's still at the head. The table isn't round as it should be.

So, while Chris Matthews comments were not meant to be offensive, they were a blatant reminder of what it is to be Brown in America. It doesn't stop at the White House. In corporate America, brown men and women are vying for recognition and promotions to top positions. They are fighting hard to be seen for their accomplishments and capabilities, not for their skin complexion. In the military, the Army, partially due to the higher number of Brown service men and women, is perceived to be inferior to their sister services. A historically Black college or university (HBCU) degree is somehow less valuable than one from a predominately white school. Latinos and Blacks are being blamed for the increase in welfare costs, but the reality is that more White people receive welfare than any single group. The list could go on...

But for every achievement, for every new name taught in schools during the month of February, those who do not live in brown skin every day tend to forget the daily struggles. They tend to use a displacement theory to replace many "bads" with one great "good." The notion that a Black president means racism is over is naive and remorseful. This is especially true when you see how hard many have tried to thwart every effort he has made, or when you consider the death threats, or the racial commentary that permeates the media. Even Black activists are 'disappointed' because he hasn't done much for the Black community....WHAT!?! He is helping America...which, to my knowledge, includes Black people. Did they think that just because he is Black that he would pass the "Black Act" giving all Black people some entitlement at the exclusion of others? That has never been his rhetoric and we should fear that approach as much as any racially driven objective.

If racism were over, we wouldn't even notice he was Black. No expectations would come from his skin color. And that goes both ways.

Thank you, Angels

2010-01-01T20:55:00.001-05:00

Greetings!

I hope and pray that this note finds each of you in the midst of good health, good spirits, and great peace. In my journey, I have been privileged to encounter each of you at some point. I honestly believe that every person you encounter in your life, no matter the brevity of such encounter, touches your life in some way, whether positively or negatively.

In my life, I have been adversely affected by many. Some of these encounters have affected my body, some my spirit, and I have even allowed my faith to waiver. People have stolen my joy, robbed me of my peace, and covered my world with darkness. And there were those unspeakable moments of my life when I didn't have enough faith, enough strength, enough love for myself to make it further. And it was in those moments, when the faith, strength, and love of my family and friends held me up. It was in these moments when my friends, family, and even strangers, seeing that I'd lost my way repositioned me in the direction of God.

There are people who smiled at me at that moment when I'd given up on the world. There is the man who helped me with my bags as I slid across the icy parking lot. There is the lady who offered me a ride when she drove past me walking in the rain without an umbrella. There are the customers who come in and thank me for helping them, letting me know my work is noticed and appreciated. There are the friends who randomly send messages on facebook or to my email just wanting to say hello. There is the family that holds me up when I feel faint at heart. My sister, Cale, who always listens and, when I was quieted by circumstances, helped me find my voice. She is one of my best friends. Another sister, Bri, my little copycat! She inspires me to continue, to be better than I was the day before, to remember that someone is always watching me. My sister Dee is my comedy relief, the one that makes me laugh when there is absolutely nothing to laugh at. My mother, oh the woman that has shown her courage and strength time and time again, who encourages me, lifts me up when I am down, pushes me to be better, tells corny jokes when I need them the most, and who taught me how to 'cry two tears in a bucket...' (smile).

There is Ryan who continues to support me. Who continues to love me, no matter how complicated things get. It is he who promised to spend the rest of his life with me, knowing that wouldn't be easy. He is a great source of motivation for me, his words and actions push me to be better, they push me to be the best I can be, no matter what happens. It is he that made me recognize that my own peace and happiness are my responsibility, and no one elses.

Then, there is Raheem, my best friend here in Korea. It is he that, literally saved my life, twice, here. He is a sounding board for the myriad of thoughts that seem to short circuit my brain sometimes. He's my bodyguard from all of the vultures that pervade Osan. He's great company: funny, considerate, kind, respectful. He never disrespects me, my marriage, or his. In fact, he has introduced new facets of loyalty that I'd never even considered before. He, too, inspires me to be better. He makes me appreciate the power of the sun, especially in the midst of great storms.

There are so many people who have touched and inspired me. There are some whose negativity and ignorance have propelled me ahead, forcing me to distance myself from the disappointing levels on which they reside. I am learning, the more I grow, that no man is an island. I am learning to find lessons in the good and bad situations. I am finding that someone can be an example of what I don't want to be. And, I am learning that sometimes, you have to let some people, some things, some thoughts, some feelings, some hurts and some memories go.

So this note, is a 'thank you' to all of you. Thank you for loving me when you did. Thank you for supporting me when you did. Thank you for the good, the bad, and the ugly. Thank you for being a part of my life and for allowing me to be a part of yours. I hope and pray that each of you continues to be a part of my life and that you continue to be the person that God created you to be. You are all angels sent to help someone make it in this world.

To this end, I have one request. Please send a message to me with an update about what's going on in your life. I want to know if you have children, if you are married, etc. Send your birthdays and anniversaries so I can add them to my calendar. Also, please send your email addresses so that I can do my best to keep up with you as we travel in our own directions. Happy New Year!

Absolutely Sensational....

2009-12-27T03:36:00.002-05:00

So what's the count up to now? 13 women? Tiger seemed to be busy in 2009. I can guarantee he wasn't alone. In fact, just months ago, Steve McNair was killed by his alleged ex-girlfriend with whom he openly spent time. Let's not mention Tye Tribbett and Da T.R.U.T.H., two gospel music artists. And not to keep politics out, South Carolina Governor, Mark Sanford and Sen. John Ensign of Nevada all had their exotic rendezvous this year. Even David Letterman made 'shocking' confessions of sleeping with various women who work for him. And these are just a few of the illicit affairs...

We can continue by talking about the boy in the balloon...or not in the balloon. Baltimore Mayor Shiela Dixon was convicted of embezzlement. There were six major abductions/disappearances (none of them brown) that covered the screen. Nas, the singer was ordered to pay more than %51,000 in alimony and child support to Kelis. Chris Henry died after falling off the back of a pickup truck. The Colts are (to date) undefeated but were joined for 13 weeks by the Saints. The Yankees won the World Series. Oprah going to retire from her media empire in a matter of months.Let's not forget Kanye West's disgusting display at the music awards. Jon and Kate plus Eight minus one...And of course, Obama's every move displayed for the public.

While these stories are, for some, entertaining, they are no where near the most important stories of the year. They are overly sensationalized as a means to distract us from the most important stories. I mean, what else could we possibly talk about? How could we function without an average of 7.8 hours a day being devoted to Obama and the economic recession, with an average of 4.6 hours being used to find him at fault for it's enduring presence. Tiger Woods almost caught up in the last month coming in second place for media coverage.

Lobbyist and the GOP spent more than $100 million dollars to thwart Democratic efforts...the Democrats spent almost as much to recover from the political punches and to throw some of their own. But the public schools got no more money (because of the recession), the US lowered it's UNICEF contributions (because of the recession), the military is downsizing (because of the recession) while simultaneously increasing the number of service members in Iraq (now that one is because of the terrorists).

I guess all of this is to say: What in the world is happening here? Where are our priorities? Will things change? Will parents wake up and spend time with their children? Will they monitor them on the internet; what they watch on television? Will we get off our butts and actually exercise? At least exercise our minds? No one at home, judging the rest of the world is free from fault. None is without his or her own transgressions. But, we live in a society that is full of stones to throw at others.

Let me just put this out there...how many people reading this post have ever cheated on a significant other? How many have hated on someone else's accomplishments? How many have lied, cheated, or stolen to get something they wanted? Before we judge others, consider what we have contributed to the problem. If the news ratings didn't soar when people made mistakes, they wouldn't keep them on the air so long. No one is without sin. No one is free from temptations. That's life; not news.

Let 2010 be the year that we put family first; the year that we focus on healthy habits; the year that we read and research, not perpetuate unfounded gossip. Let's let 2010 be the year that America grows up.

Criticisms of Obama...

2009-12-23T06:24:00.002-05:00

Lately, I have listened to debates over how effective the Obama administration has been. I have heard harsh criticisms of his progress and his ability to lead. Until now, I seldom respond. I usually just resign to allowing people to have their own opinions, no matter how different our perspectives are. However, being that the end of 2009 is near and Obama is leaning toward a year in office. I decided to put forth my two cents.

First, I must say that no one person in Washington, DC controls America. No one person is that powerful. To this end, the successes and failures of Washington DC cannot ever be attributed to one person, even if he is the President of the United States. There are many who blame Obama for the economic crisis, the war in Afghanistan, and every other world dilemma. The allegations have proven themselves to be unfair and largely unfounded. Yet they continue to pour in. Aside from the blatant ignorance of some people, there are reasons for the perpetuation of disregard for the President and his administration.

Racism. There are some people who have been very vocal about their disdain for a person of color in a position of power. They have challenged his loyalties, challenged his nationality, his religion, his identity. This doesn't come from just one group. There are prominent African Americans who say that he isn't doing enough for Blacks in America. Should he be doing something in particular to build just Black people? His response has been that he is doing things for the greater good of everybody, regardless of race and ethnic orgin.

Inpatience. People elected Obama in hopes of change. To date, a lot has changed. However, it is difficult to see the smaller things as they are overshadowed by the larger consequences of the economic crisis and the war in Iraq and Afghanistan. People expected that on 21 Jan 09, the world would automatically be different. Contrary to popular belief, we didn't fall into an economic depression, a war in Afghanistan and Iraq, or disrespected by most of the world over night. Things will take time to show drastic improvements.

Noncooperation. Time and cooperation are essential for change. When Obama campaigned his slogan was not "Yes I Can!" it was "Yes WE Can!" His campaign was based on the premise that everyone had to do their part to make things work. We have right now, the "Party of No" who just refute anything the President tries to do. They vote against common sense legislation, the debate and push obstacles in the way for every change. People, like Danny Glover, complain that companies need to lend more money to Black people. The stimulus aimed to help banks lend to people...not just Black people. But, according to a survey conducted by Consumer Digest, the average credit score for an African American? 536. For Latinos? 511. Has it occured to anyone that credit ratings are still a factor for lending?

For all of the money spent by networks, lobbyists, and the GOP to thwart Obama's efforts, we could have seen much more change. The progressive attitude of the administration may not be appreciated for a long time. But the effects of health care reform, the effects of the war in Afghanistan, the effects of this economic depression, will be felt for generations to come.

Instead of adding to the problem, we need to step up and be part of the solution. Stop fearing change. Stop arguing for things you haven't researched. Work together, build this country together. Fight the fight together... and we will all win.

2009-11-09T03:24:00.002-05:00

Fantasy Football

(from the ball's perspective)

It’s Sunday Morning, time to impress

Everyone’s looking, I have to do my best.

Do I have enough air? Are my seals closed tight?

I wouldn’t want to be lonely on Sunday night.

The day starts early with many inspections.

The team manager looks at all of us, and makes his selections.

He chooses the one that feels the best.

And look at that! I feel better than the rest!

Oh, I am looking good today, ready to play.

The final inspections before I get my say.

These are the hardest because these guys are the ones

Who are going to hold me, caress me, and squeeze my buns!

Well Good Morning Peyton! How do you do?

I am so lucky to be starting for you.

I’ve always dreamed of being in your hands.

All of your wishes today are my command.

I love how you squeeze me from head to toe,

Placing your fingers firmly between each row.

You tell the manager you like my shape.

You say I feel lucky, inside it makes me go ape!

You toss me aside and pick up the next

And do the same until you get a text

It’s the coach wanting to see you soon

I just wait patiently until game time, around noon.

When everyone’s gone, the football babe gossip begins.

They tell me how things are for all of my friends.

How they got treated, where they worked and where they’ve been.

This week has been tough, it’s a shame and a sin.

One friend got picked for the Patriots game last Sunday night.

Got her ass kicked up and down the field, just isn’t right.

She begged to be handled sweetly, licked and tossed,

She longed for another chance with Randy Moss.

Another was selected to play with the Bills.

Hhh~ Another boring night with no spectacular frills.

Yes, T.O. is on the team, but that’s no big pop

Because every time she touches his hands, she ends up dropped.

My girl was chosen to play with Romo.

What she’s expected to do, she doesn’t know.

She tried to explain that she can’t perform miracles.

His plays are not planned, rather completely lyrical.

“Poor girls!” I say as we continue to talk through the walls.

Thinking how it’s better to be us than other types of balls.

The other kinds of balls have it much worse than we do.

They often don’t return to talk and laugh and see another day through.

Although we may get our asses kicked from time to time,

Their Daddys try to kill them and send them flying.

We’ve got golf balls, hit with clubs across a huge course.

We’ve got baseballs hit with bats, can’t say what’s worse.

They there are the basketballs, slammed to the floor.

When the players get mad, they slam them into the doors.

Like us they are handled by the best of millionaires.

Man I miss the touch passes by Steve McNair.

Hhh back to us I now return.

Thinking of how my body yearns

To be felt, grabbed, tossed and kicked.

Collie, Wayne, don’t let me get picked.

At this time, I’ll take a quick break

Don’t want to look tired cuz I tried to stay awake.

“See you soon Peyton dear” I whisper before going to sleep.

I dream about him holding me tight just before going deep.

Doriannicole Standish

8 Nov 09

I know your name...

2009-09-15T03:48:00.000-05:00

You know, the world may not see your game.
You may never be shrouded in shame.
But I know your name.

You may try to move on with your life.
You may lie to your families, your wives.
But I know your name.

You can follow me from place to place.
Your actions you may have tried to erase.
But I know your name.

You think you lucked out, you got away.
I am here to tell you that there will come a day.
And I know your name. God knows your name.

Have you ever....

2009-09-09T03:36:00.000-05:00

Have you ever found yourself in a valley so low, you were drowning in water? playing in black oil? or looking Satan right in his eyes?

Have you ever found youself crying so hard you forgot to breathe? your heart hurting so bad your body begin to ache?

Have you ever been surrounded by people, yet felt completely alone? Felt like trust for others was an unattainable feat?

Have you ever felt so worthless, so devoid of value, that killing yourself gave more effort that you deserved?

Have you ever feared so much that your mind refused to sleep? felt so much anxiety that you couldn't digest food?

Have you ever hated yourself for hating others? Have you ever tried to forgive but couldn't make your heart comply?

Have you ever prayed hoping to find faith again? Have you ever hoped for the ability to pray from the heart again?

Have you ever been murdered? Raped? Beaten? Criticized? Ridiculed? Persecuted? Tortured? Drugged?

Have you ever wondered about the world we live in? Questioned how people could be so cold? So callous? So selfish?

Have you been so estranged from God that the idea of church brings a fitful burst of tears and weeping?

Have you ever wondered what is below hell because you've already reached there?

Were you there?

2009-08-29T21:15:00.000-05:00

A testament of faith...

This week, I found myself in the Emergency Room twice. The first was scary enough, the latter, damn near took my life. I have spent the entire week in bed, in pain, in and out of sleep. I kept thinking that things happen because I speak my mind... LOL. I published my last blog and spoke about the anger and rage I felt toward God for letting me hurt so much. And, then, this week when my body was screaming with pain, the frustration just became deeper... why me?

Anger, frustration, resentment and disappointment all charged my spirit at once. I was angry at my mother, my pastor, the Bible, and God for allowing me to believe he'd always be there for me. I hear Fred Hammond singing 'No weapon', I read the Bible (Hebrews 13:6) and I think I am going to be okay, no matter what comes my way. God is supposed to be there, to save us, to protect us, to comfort us.

So, how does it happen? How was I left alone to fight for my life? At church, they still tell me that God was there. Really? Was He? I am no longer asking my family, the pastors, my friends, the Bible. I am asking HIM:

Were You there...

...when they decided to take what didn't belong to them?

...when they beat me, spit on me, cursed at me?

...when they lied on me?

...when they tried to kill me?

...when they abandoned me?

...when they told me I wasn't going to make it?

...when they turned on me?

Were You...

...holding my hand while they raped me?

...carrying me when they threw me in a ditch?

...watching while they laughed and made fun of me?

...protecting me while they destroyed my dreams?

...with me when they killed my baby?

...there when they took my loved ones away?

...lying by my side when I woke up from nightmares?

Were you there...

...through all of the treatments, the needles, the pain?

...when migraines controlled my life?

...when my family doubted me and some turned their backs to me?

...when my body almost lost life..again?

I prayed to Him, asking Him, yelling at Him, demanding answers. I haven't been able to talk to Him lately. Admittedly, I've been giving him the silent treatment for months. But now, I needed to know why I should believe in the power of God when He never wielded it for me. Why should I believe in the mercy of God, when He showed none toward me. And how could I ever believe He loved me if all I felt was unyielding hatred, shame, and disappointment towards myself?

The one thing I hadn't expected happened...He put me in such a place this week that not only would I call to Him, but the pain kept me still so I could hear him...

He responded; His voice spoke delicately yet with firm resolve. He said to me:

My child, you ask me whether or not I was there, yet here you stand. I was there, taking your pain, protecting you from the ultimate loss. I was there making sure that all that you endured was never more than you could bear. I was there, moving things, making sure that what you live through will ultimately build you and bring glory to my name. I heard you cry out my name, and I answered. I wiped away your tears. I am mending your broken spirit. Do you know, my child, the beauty of a broken spirit? It is similar to a broken bone. Once broken and healed, it is extraordinarily difficult to break it in the same place again. The mended bone is much stronger than the never before injured bone. Like a broken bone, it hurts and it takes time to heal.

There was never a moment of shame for you. You acted in my grace. You did what I asked you to do. You did what your heart told you to do. Do you remember how they treated Jesus? Do you remember how they beat him, lied on him, abandoned and tried to kill him? Do you remember how Jesus wept? He wept for you. He wept for the pain that you are feeling right now. But, while his body died, his spirit remained alive, indomitable.

The pain you feel now resides in your inability to focus. Focus on me, not that pain, and it will disappear. The more you give it, the more it will take from you. My commitment to you is unwavering, you are my child. No matter your perceived flaws, your mistakes, your emotions, you are mine and I made you exactly how I want and need you to be. You do my work everyday, humbling yourself, maintaining peace, and giving to others that which you barely yourself have. And even when they attempt to steal from your happiness, you radiate with joy. Your very presence literally lights a room. It is not because of your greatness, but because of mine that resides in you.

And, my child, you aren't faithless. If you were, you wouldn't be calling on me now. You couldn't be angry or disappointed. So while your faith and trust in me may be limited, it is there. And all I ask is that you have faith the size of a mustard seed...together we can move mountains.
Know that I love you...no one in this world can love you the way that I do...I understand that it will take time for you to know that in your mind. But, your heart is now and has always been mine. Your spirit may have once been weakened, but it has never died.

Your faith kept you from giving up. It is your faith that helps you pull it together each day. It's what keeps you doing what you started. It's why you still love and help others. Because you have faith in Me. You may never see how much stronger you are, you may never see past that moment in your life, but the darkness of the situation creates a beautiful contrast with what is store for you. I love you, my child.

Keeping it A Hundred....

2009-08-24T22:06:00.002-05:00

I am sitting here in front of the screen with a million and ten thoughts traversing recklessly through my mind. I am wondering which of these will make it to the page, which of these will die in my heart. I have never publicly written anything in this manner; great thought and care goes into the things I choose to share with the world. So, as you read this, I ask you to forgive me for being so blunt, so honest, and for showing blatant and complete disregard for anyone's feelings and/or opinions. Forgive the ping pong effect of my writing as I am just putting it down as it comes out of me; without edits, without take backs. I learned a long time ago that what is said, once it comes out, can never be taken back. And, more importantly, I am learning right now, more than ever, that at the end of the day, I have to deal with me and no one else.

First, to answer the many emails and messages about why I haven't written much, let me say that I was holding back to avoid offending anyone, to avoid putting anyone in any particular situations, and to try to avoid anything I hated about my life completely. It's hard to write from the heart when there is so much weighing it down. The past few months have seen me at my ultimate worse ever. There were days when I thought I didn't belong in this world. Here I am serving my country, willing to make the ultimate sacrifice for my country and the people in it, and so many of them are ambivalent, ungrateful, spoiled and selfish. I watched as people lost their lives defending our country. We have been at war for almost 8 years. I know it's hard to believe but this September 11th will be the 8th year of this incessant battle. But who are we fighting? I am not even sure anymore. Moreover, why are we fighting? To protect innocent lives?

We need to be focusing on the wars at home. Teenagers having sex with adults, "sexting" from video game devices, children smoking smarties...THE CANDY! to get high, snorting kool-aid for a buzz, sneaking shots of alcohol but putting them up their noses for an immediate high. Let's not mention boyfriends constantly killing their girlfriends, husbands beating the hell out of their wives, women throwing their lives away in underground strip clubs and a whole fucking state considering making prostitution legal. Let's not talk about what I think about this. We have people killing each other over words written in a song. We have people going back and forth disrespecting the very essence of another because of something childish that one said about the other. Rhianna decides to speak out for abused women and then goes back to the bastard that beat her. Mariah and Eminem going back and forth about who slept with who? And the thing about it...all of this makes so much money. We allow this bullshit to happen.

What about quarterbacks that retire 15 times? Can we talk about football for a sec? Because it is a great analogy to the lack of loyalty and conviction that we are seeing around the world today. For everyone, it's about the money, the title, the fame, the fortune. All of these things are supposed to make them happy. Yet, these dumb asses go right back to their old neighborhoods that they so desperately tried to get out of, and kill each other. They want media attention, so they retire and then come and suck royally...again. Money isn't enough. We have no real role models for our children to follow. Those that make it, never return to lift others out. Those that get some status, return only to add to the problems. They are loyal to everyone but themselves. They have little values, little respect for themselves and others, and they certainly don't give a damn about the little boys and girls who are doing everything possible to emulate them.

Let's talk politics for a second. Barack Obama came into office and within the first 100 days people were 'disappointed' with the progress that he made. The fact that he made progress in the midst of such a mess is in and of itself a miracle. Do you know where the economy was? Really? Do you really know how messed up the schools were? While we are talking about schools, did you know that the Secretary of Education that Obama appointed was the first one ever to have a background in education? Does this speak about our previous priorities? Does this explain why No Child Left Behind left more children behind than any of its predecessors? Hmmm. Maybe schools in the nation's capital will get some books...maybe we can pay teachers enough to support themselves on their salaries. Has anyone out there ever lived in NYC, DC, LA? Do you think $35,000 is going to cut it? Nah...not without a second salary.

Then, there is the health care crisis. Let's face it, there is no solution that is going to make everyone happy. Most developed countries have some form of government subsidized health care. Think about this for a second: I have cancer. In the United States, one chemotherapy treatment cost $16,000. Most health care plans that you get from work have a cap of $250,000. So, let's just put it out there. 12 rounds of chemotherapy $192,000. Prescriptions (of which I had 13-14 per day at any given time) $1000/month. So in a given year: $12000. Operations to remove tumors and growths, tests, doctor's fees, specialists fees, radiation...before we even find the right solution, we've busted the cap. Now, it's out of pocket for us. So, government subsidized health care wouldn't be right for everyone necessarily, but it would allow me to do what I wanted to do for a living without starving to death. It is a common saying that the drugs aren't what makes chemotherapy patients thin and fragile, it's their inability to pay for the food they need to survive.

Then there are the deeper sentiments that have come into my mind over the last several months. As much as I have a love and respect for God, we just don't seem to be on the same page. I am praying now, to be able to repair the relationship I once had with him. I look to my faith to bring me through trying times, but in November, my faith was stolen. I felt like I'd died...alone. I went to church a couple of weeks later and heard the pastor say that God is with you always; that He never leaves your side; and that when you are going through tough times, that He holds your hand and leads you out... And all I could think was: was God holding my hands when they were raping me? Did he have my back when they were kicking me, when they were spitting on me, burning me with cigarette butts? Was he leading me through the darkness toward the woods where they ejaculated time and time on me, in me; taking turns on me? Where was He when I was screaming out His name? Was He holding my hand when they were stepping on them and kicking my side until I stopped fighting? Was He watching and delivering me while they were literally pulling my hair out, dragging me by my hair through the woods? My Father which art in heaven...would I have been able to watch my child go through that without reacting? Would I have allowed the military to revictimize me over and over again? To blame me for what happened that night? Would I have left such a void in my child's heart that she could not find enough love for herself to even look in the mirror some days?

How do you justify allowing someone to suffer? How is that grace and mercy? I know I may be offending some, but it has plagued my heart for months. Slowly I am working to repair my relationship, but it's hard to put my trust in Him to protect me and keep me. Really hard.

While we are on familial relationships... let me put something else out there . I am working hard to forgive everyone in my life that has done something to tear me down. I am trying to forget the images of my mother with the phone cord wrapped around her neck, or the can of coins hitting her in the head. I am trying to forget the cousins who molested, the neighbors who touched me inappropriately. And no, most of the world doesn't know about all of this. I am not looking for revenge. I am not looking for any kind of reparations or for them to be punished. I am only trying to find peace and closure. I am trying to close doors that, left open, inhibit me from being able to fully love myself. I am trying to find peace with it all.

If you know you wronged me, you betrayed my trust, you hurt my family, you hurt me, stop acting like you've always been there. Stop pretending that you 'supported' me and I have accomplished all that I have because of your encouragement. Stop taking credit for things you had nothing to do with. I am sure it doesn't help me to find forgiveness. What I don't understand is how you can think that because in your heart you feel that you have changed, become more of a man, given your life to Christ, or whatever it is you say, that it overrides the damage you've already done. That your life changes somehow ameliorates the pain and suffering you put me through. Just putting it out there.

I am who I am because of my life experiences. So, in some perverse way, sure you had something to do with it. The men in my life taught me what NOT to accept in a husband. The women in my life taught me how NOT to accept bullshit excuses as to why he hit you, or why you have to sleep with him whenever he wants to, or why marriage somehow means relinquishing control over your life and letting go of your dreams. There are women in my life that taught me to speak up for myself, to put these big feet to use when necessary and to not be afraid to speak my mind.

I am tired of people seeing me for what is on the outside. I am tired of being my rank, tired of being my accomplishments, my failures, other people's expectations. I am tired of trying to live up to other people's definitions of success, of a wife, of a sister, of a friend. I am tired of being happy when behind the smile are tears of frustration that I don't have permission to express. Fuck that. I will cry when I need to cry, laugh when I think something is funny, and express myself when I need to. I am on my time. I cannot fear man anymore...what else can he do to me? I've already been murdered twice. What more can you do? You've taken so much from me. You've trampled over me, beat me, raped me, scarred me, broken bones, destroyed everything you could, even my self-esteem. But I am here to let you and the rest of the world know... I am still standing. I'm stronger than you think, hell, I am stronger than I thought.

I work out twice a day for a couple of reasons: one, I think it is awesome that sizes 2,4,6 are always on the clearance rack...so I, in frugality and vanity, choose to stay that size...although cheese sticks and french fries call me like the snake in the apple tree. Two, I am getting physically stronger so that the next man (or woman) that feels they can take advantage of me has a lot more coming at them than they may expect. I am finding my inner gangsta... LOL... I will cut somebody if necessary.

I am not condoning violence. In fact, that's what breaks us down as a people. But, I am condoning taking care of yourself. Cuz, at the end of the day, no one has your back like you do. No one is going to be there every time. And, like I said before, at the end of the day, you have to deal with you. Someone wise let me in on that little secret. So, i am dealing with me. One day at a time.

Playing outside of the sandbox...

2009-03-07T23:25:00.003-05:00

There comes a time in your life when you have the opportunity to step outside of your box. You have the chance to make the greatest decision of your life, possibly. You realize the safety and security of your life, albeit extremely superficial, is at stake...but that the joy and happiness that is possible as an outcome is far greater.

The truth of the matter is that we get these awesome chances very rarely. We so often miss them because we feel the risk is to great, we have not opened our minds enough, or we have no real sense of self to be able to defy the status quo. So often, we are so preoccupied with the possible judgements and criticisms of others that we don't do what our hearts say is best for us. Sometimes, we have to learn to just do what works best for us and allow others the opportunity to get over it.

With time, people will learn to move past the fact that your world has expanded beyond the box. You will learn that you have the ability to step out and will do so more often. Life is short and precious. There is nothing like trying it out. IF all else fails, you can always step back into the box.

Risk, take the chance... Live, on the edge... Love, without boundaries...

Phenomenal Woman

2009-02-28T10:39:00.003-05:00

Today, we are transitioning from Black History Month into both Women's History month and National Poetry Month. So, in honor of all of these celebrations, I am posting one of my favorite poems. It's inspiring, thought-provoking, and written by one of the most intelligent women I have ever met, Black or White. Over the years, as a author, a poet, or as my professor, Maya Angelou has taught me so much about myself without ever telling me about myself. Instead, her words, whether in poetry or prose, speech or other, speak directly to the definition of my being. It is this poem, built of confidence, that allows so many women to find the courage to be who God made them to be.

Phenomenal Woman

Pretty women wonder where my secret lies.

I'm not cute or built to suit a fashion model's size

But when I start to tell them,They think I'm telling lies.

I say,

It's in the reach of my arms

The span of my hips,

The stride of my step,

The curl of my lips.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,That's me.

I walk into a room

Just as cool as you please,

And to a man,

The fellows stand or

Fall down on their knees.

Then they swarm around me,

A hive of honey bees.

I say,It's the fire in my eyes,

And the flash of my teeth,

The swing in my waist,

And the joy in my feet.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Men themselves have wondered

What they see in me.

They try so much

But they can't touch

My inner mystery.

When I try to show them

They say they still can't see.

I say,It's in the arch of my back,

The sun of my smile,

The ride of my breasts,

The grace of my style.

I'm a woman

Phenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Now you understand

Just why my head's not bowed.

I don't shout or jump about

Or have to talk real loud.

When you see me passing

It ought to make you proud.

I say,

It's in the click of my heels,

The bend of my hair,

The palm of my hand,

The need of my care,

'Cause I'm a womanPhenomenally.

Phenomenal woman,That's me.

Maya Angelou

Missy's Garden

2009-02-25T11:44:00.002-05:00

Once there was a girl, Missy, who just loved gardens. She loved the colors, the patterns, the freedom and ability to design God’s work for him. She couldn’t wait until springtime when the butterflies would come to visit the gardens, or the summertime when the fireflies would light up the evening views.

Missy was bright, ambitious and determined. So, she ventured out to create the garden of a lifetime. She imagined herself standing amongst the most beautiful plants and flowers in the world. She even considered planting trees in her garden.
First, she began by cultivating the land where she planned to build her garden. She treated the soil with special fertilizers, removed all of the weeds and rocks that had inhabited the earth where she’d decided to plant her garden.

On the eve of the sowing process, a terrible storm came and destroyed all of her hard work. The water and wind stripped the soil of all of the fertilizers she put down and tossed in rocks and sticks and outside rubbish from other lots. Moreover, the winds and rains had carried away many of her supplies.
The damage was devastating. It would take a long time to cultivate the land again. Many of her resources were low. The cost of repurchasing all of her supplies, the time to remove all of the rocks and sticks, the changing climate, and the fear of another storm consumed her. She began to doubt her ability to make a garden. Her garden, once pregnant with possibility, now seemed helplessly barren. Maybe this had been God’s way of telling her she wasn’t meant to have a garden. Still deep inside, the longing for a garden persisted.

After some time, she cleared the rubbish and rocks to a side of the lot. She had already decided that she would only plant a smaller garden. So, she took some of the resources she’d saved since the storm and began the process all over again; just on a smaller scale. As time progressed she began to see the fruits of her labor. Small blossoms appeared in a myriad of colors and shades; greens and reds, purples, oranges, yellows. She was beginning to hope again.

Deep in her heart she wanted that garden she’d always longed for. So, she began the great expansion project. She wanted people to be able to see the beauty she saw in her small garden. She wanted people to be able to really see all of the elements that created her garden. So, day by day, she expanded little by little until one day she reached the maximum area.

While it was difficult to manage such a large space, she did her best to make it presentable and inviting. People stopped to look but very few saw past the vastness of the garden to see the smaller parts that created the greater image. After a couple of years, she got tired of people trampling her flowers, tired of the storms that blew rubbish into her flowerbeds and moreover, tired of people stealing flowers from her beloved garden. She felt like maybe she needed to revamp her garden and focus the garden around something more fixed, more permanent. Maybe she could find something that no one could take away…maybe the trees from her original design would suffice.

In the midst of the garden remodel, Missy found herself growing physically tired. Caring for such a massive garden was proving to be quite a bit of work, not to mention choosing the perfect tree, moving it to the garden, and supporting it until it had strong enough roots of its own. Yet, she continued. She knew there was a long road ahead of her, but she could see her garden coming along.

Then, one day out of nowhere, Missy woke up to a garden plagued with some kind of disease. It ravaged her garden, spreading like a malignant cancer across her garden. It destroyed the perimeter of her garden, it killed the blossoming flowers on the ground and finally her rose bushes began to die too. She sought professional help to save her garden. She worked side by side with them while they toiled in her garden trying to stop the metastasis of the dream killing disease. The professionals gave her garden treatment after treatment. The disease would go away for a few months only to resurface because they’d left a single infected plant in the garden. Again, they’d provide treatment after treatment.

Missy focused all of her energy on her trees in the middle of her garden. She refused to let this disease affect her trees. She watched them carefully and continued to pour her resources into both the garden at large and the trees. Eventually, Missy had to change her career to make sure she could continue to watch her garden.

It took almost seven years for Missy’s garden to begin to develop again. Her trees were doing well. By the end of the 8th year, Missy had seven trees standing tall in the center of her garden. She still fought off the garden bandits who sought to steal her flowers. She still had to protect her plants from the abuse of storms, trampling feet, and the little boys who played too close to her garden. She built tall fences around her garden. Yet, they still managed to enter. So she made her fences concrete, wide blocks, impenetrable without major effort.

In the beginning of the seventh year, she opened her garden for the first time. She determined that she could allow select people to see it up close. Her first visitor was so great. He seemed to know all about the garden. He identified so many of the flowers on the first try. She was so at ease with him. She let him into her garden regularly. He always noticed changes, she loved that he loved her garden. For seven months he came every day. Then, just as quickly as he’d entered her world, he disappeared. She was devastated. For three months he didn’t show up to see her garden, although she tried to invite him.

Just when she’d given up on her garden companion, he showed up at her gate entrance. By now, she’d closed off the garden to anyone. He begged her to let him come to see the garden. She reluctantly obliged. But something had changed. She saw him more as a trespasser instead of a visitor. And, she found herself asking him to leave.

She frantically uprooted her garden and moved to a different place. In the process, she lost some of the plants but figured she’d replace them as soon as she was settled. Her trees all survived the move, although one tree, that she’d affectionately named Faith, was not as strong as the others. The move really weakened Faith because her roots had been so deeply planted and the uprooting process is most dangerous the deeper the roots are. Between the disease and the move, the garden had grown much smaller than it once was, but it was still something to behold.
Amazingly, the lot she moved to already had big walls. Her garden was finally safe. The professionals hadn’t detected any of that malicious disease that had killed off so much of her garden. No pests, in insect or human form, were going to enter her garden ever again.

It was lonely without any visitors but the beauty of the garden was beginning to become more apparent. Missy worked overtime to repair Faith. She needed to make sure that her Faith was strong and intact. While she worked on Faith, she also continued to work on Knowledge, another big tree. This type of tree needed constant care.

One day, she sat in the garden and leaned on Faith. She decided to extend her garden in a way she hadn’t before. She was going to add a balcony from which she could see the full aerial view of her garden. She went to the contractor’s office and told him of her plans. He helped her design her balcony and get her started on this long project. This was no ordinary balcony. It depended on the height of her Faith and on her Knowledge.

As she was leaving the contractor’s office one day, she ran into a man who was very attractive. His name was RJ. She thought about her garden and her last visitor. She continued past him. Time and time again, she ran into him until finally, she begin to let him see elements of her garden. She’d bring cut flowers from her garden, small examples of what lay behind that massive wall. He seemed interested in all that she had in her garden. So, she very hesitantly allowed him to peek inside the walls.

After a while, he began removing parts of the wall. He understood that the plants needed sunlight from all directions. RJ understood that there were so many things that made Missy’s garden beautiful. He saw more than the plants. He saw the love and dedication that she put into it. He saw the fear which caused her to protect each one. And while he couldn’t protect her garden from disease, he could help her protect it from the trampling feet, the blossom thieves, and allow her to remove the wall, so every plant can have sun light.

With him there, the garden blossomed. Butterflies began to emerge and grow in her delicate garden. A beautifully ornate vine, Amorous, was planted. This was a project that required a lot of effort from both of them. But, it was a beautiful addition to the garden. It surrounded the garden, like the wall had before, but gave way to brilliant sunlight. Oh this garden was becoming a sight to see.

Like any success, there were those who sought to destroy the garden. And they came in, one Friday night in November, and vandalized the garden. They threatened Missy that if she rebuilt it, they’d do her more harm than they had done her garden. She fell to her knees, afraid for both her garden and her own life. Faith had been damaged the most. Confidence, another tree was hurt badly too. They had carved their mark into the bark of Confidence. Still worse, Missy had all but given up. She didn’t want to talk to anyone. RJ, who had been away on a work assignment, called her frequently to encourage her. He helped her make it through the most difficult days. Before you know it, she was back in the garden working diligently to fix her garden.

Confidence and Faith are still not as strong as they once were, but they grow a little stronger every day. RJ still comes to help Missy in the garden. In fact, he moved in, so that he can be there to help Missy every day. RJ’s presence, his added love makes Missy’s garden just blossom. And while storms may come, Missy and RJ will be there to replant the seeds in the garden.
One beautiful summer day, when Missy’s garden was in full bloom, she and RJ stood on the balcony looking into the garden. It was if she were floating hand in hand over the garden she loved, and had for so long dreamed of, and the man she loved. And, just like that, he turned to her, and asked if he could tend her garden for the rest of their lives. She, beaming said that he could, if that was something that he could promise her he’d do.

The next spring, when all of the beautiful flowers began to peek from behind their green cloaks, RJ whispered something else. He told Missy, “Forever and ever, I do.” And, with that, Missy’s garden became home to RJ forever.
The End.

Black History Month: Great African American Leaders

2009-02-15T18:42:00.000-05:00

Although February should not be the only time we remember our great African-American leaders, it is a time to remember to reflect on where we, as a great nation, come from. Reflection is important if we are to learn from our history and continue to progress. Below is a snippet of some of our great African-American leaders; some of whom you may know, some of whom it you may not:

Paul Cuffe(1759-1817)Paul Cuffe, a free black from Massachusetts, was a shipowner and advocate of sending free blacks voluntarily back to Africa. Cuffe's efforts helped encourage the American Colonization Society to found settlements in what was to become Liberia. Altogether, some 15,000 American blacks moved there during the colonization effort.

Richard Allen(1760-1831)Born a slave, Richard Allen began his career as a clergyman with the conversion of his master. Shrewd and hardworking, Allen bought his freedom and moved to Philadelphia. After being rebuffed at white churches, he formed an independent black Methodist church. In 1816, he became the first bishop of the African Methodist Episcopal Church, the first national organization of its kind. During this era, it was said, Allen's house was never shut "against the friendless, homeless, penniless fugitive from the house of bondage." Allen is also reported by his contemporaries to have had "greater influence upon the colored people of the North than any other man of his times."

Frederick Douglass(1817-1895)Born into slavery on a Maryland farm, Frederick Douglass became the foremost African-American abolitionist in the United States. At the age of 21, he escaped to Massachusetts where he become a lecturer for the Massachusetts Anti-Slavery Society.In 1847, Douglass founded a newspaper, The North Star, whose masthead read: "Right is of no sex -- Truth is of no color -- God is the Father of us all, and we are all Brethren."During the Civil War, Douglass recruited black regiments for the North and spoke eloquently for black suffrage and civil rights.

Sojourner Truth(Isabella) (1820-1883)Born a slave in New York, Sojourner Truth escaped just before the state abolished slavery. Becoming a preacher-prophet, she adopted the name "Sojourner Truth." By 1843, she began touring America denouncing slavery and championing equal rights for blacks and women before religious, abolitionist and women's organizations.Truth visited President Abraham Lincoln at the White House in 1864, then remained in Washington to help runaway slaves. Her last years were spent urging Congress to allocate land and money for freed blacks in the West.

Harriet Tubman(c. 1821-1913)Harriet Tubman was born a slave in Maryland. At age 25, she escaped to freedom. She was to become the most famous conductor on the "Underground Railroad," a secret network of hiding places where fugitive slaves found sanctuary on their way north. All told, she made 19 trips back to the South, helping more than 300 slaves escape to freedom.During the Civil War, Tubman worked for the Union as a nurse, a spy and a scout. At one time $40,000 was offered for her capture. Her later years were given to establishing an old-age home for impoverished blacks.

Booker T. Washington(1856-1915)Booker Taliferro Washington, the most influential African-American leader at the turn of the century was born a slave in Virginia and freed with the Emancipation Proclamation.In 1881, Washington became head of Tuskegee Normal and Industrial Institute in Alabama, where he advocated industrial and agricultural training for African-Americans. Under his leadership the school became one of the nation's leading black universities.After delivering his famous "Atlanta Compromise" speech in 1895, Washington was recognized as the chief spokesman for black Americans. Advocating the dignity of common labor, Washington steered blacks toward careers in agriculture, mechanics and domestic service. In 1900, Washington organized the National Negro Business league which emphasized skill, thrift an black capitalism.

W.E.B. Du Bois(1868-1963)A prominent author, editor and educator, William Edward Burghardt Du Bois obtained a doctorate from Harvard in 1895. In the course of his long career -- as editor of the Crisis, the magazine of the National Association for the Advancement of Colored People (NAACP), sociology professor and lecturer -- Du Bois embraced such differing ideologies as equalitarian democracy, pan-Africanism, economic and cultural self-determinism, Marxism and socialism. Throughout his life, he remained a steadfast critic of a society which tolerated discrimination, and he advocated equal opportunity and education as the keys to black advancement. In 1961, at age 93, Du Bois moved to Ghana.

Ida B. Wells-Barnett(1869-1931)The demand for the arrest and punishment of lynchers -- white vigilantes who executed blacks became a major crusade at the turn of the century. An outstanding figure in this movement was Ida B. Wells-Barnett, who in 1895 compiled the first statistical pamphlet on lynching, The Red Record.Wells taught school in Memphis, Tennessee, until she became editor and part-owner of a newspaper, the Memphis Free Speech, which circulated throughout the Mississippi Delta. In 1892, after exposing those who had lynched three young black businessmen in Memphis, her offices were destroyed.Fleeing to Chicago, Wells married Ferdinand Barnett. Both became active in the National Equal Rights League.

A. Philip Randolph(1889-1979)Asa Philip Randolph was one of the most influential labor and civil rights leaders of the 20th century. In 1925, Randolph founded and was elected president of the Brotherhood of Sleeping Car Porters, which fought a successful battle for recognition by the railroad companies.In 1941, Randolph threatened President Franklin D. Roosevelt with a mass march on Washington to protest the exclusion of blacks from jobs in defense industries. This led to the establishment of the federal Fair Employment Practices Committee. Randolph also encouraged President Harry S Truman to desegregate the military in 1948.As an elder statesman of the civil rights movement, he was a principal organizer of the March on Washington in 1963.

Roy Wilkins(1901-1981)Roy Wilkins joined the NAACP as assistant secretary in 1931 and became executive director in 1955. Wilkins and more than 700 others were jailed in the spring of 1963 after a mass demonstration against segregation in public facilities in Jackson, Mississippi.Early in his administration, President Lyndon B. Johnson conferred with black leaders, including Wilkins, to enlist support for the civil rights program begun under President John F. Kennedy.

Thurgood Marshall(1908-1993)Thurgood Marshall, the first African-American Supreme Court justice, attended Lincoln University in Pennsylvania and Howard University Law School in Washington, D.C. Admitted to the bar in 1933, he worked with the Baltimore, Maryland, branch of the NAACP and later established its Legal Defense Fund.As chief attorney for the NAACP, Marshall earned a reputation as an exceptional lawyer, winning 32 cases before the U.S. Supreme Court. Marshall's primary target was segregation in all its manifestations: interstate travel, housing laws, voting rights and education. The most celebrated of his victories, the landmark Brown v. the Topeka, Kansas Board of Education in 1954, ended legal segregation in public schools.Marshall was appointed to the U.S. Court of Appeals in 1962 by President Kennedy. He then became the first black to become solicitor general of the United States. In 1967, President Johnson named him the first black Supreme Court justice. He served until 1991, remaining an unceasing advocate for the equality of all Americans.

James Farmer(1920-1999)In 1942, James Farmer founded the Congress of Racial Equality (CORE) during a sit-in at a Chicago restaurant that refused to serve blacks. Farmer directed the organization toward nonviolent protest - sit-ins, boycotts, marches and Freedom Rides. These early demonstrations, protesting segregation in public facilities, were met with hostility and violence. By the 1950s, as a result of direct action by CORE and the NAACP, public facilities in the North opened to blacks.In 1961, Farmer traveled to Montgomery, Alabama, in support of a new round of Freedom Rides. Other civil rights leaders, including Martin Luther King Jr., joined the cause as it gathered momentum.Farmer resigned as national director of CORE in 1966 and turned to teaching. In 1998 he received the Presidential Medal of Freedom, the nation's highest civilian honor.

Whitney M. Young, Jr.(1921-1971)Following a distinguished career as a teacher, Whitney Moore Young Jr. was named executive director of the National Urban League in 1961. The league was formed in 1910 to improve the living conditions and employment opportunities for urban blacks.Young was one of the black leaders who advised President Johnson on the landmark Civil Rights Act of 1964. Young served on numerous private and federal commissions related to social welfare. Elements of his "domestic Marshall Plan" were incorporated in the federal antipoverty program during the 1960s.

Benjamin Hooks(1925- )Throughout his career Benjamin Hooks, a lawyer and ordained Baptist minister, has addressed a range of political, economic and social problems confronting African-Americans and other minorities. In 1965, he was appointed a Memphis Criminal Court judge.The first black to serve on the Federal Communications Commission (1972-1978), Hooks was instrumental in paving the way for blacks to own and operate radio and television stations.He was executive director of the NAACP, the nation's oldest civil rights organization from 1977 to 1993. He is chairman of the National Civil Rights Museum in Memphis, Tennessee.

Malcolm X(1925-1965)The life and philosophy of Malcolm X have profoundly influenced the thinking of black Americans. Born Malcolm Little, Malcolm X spent much of his childhood in foster homes and state institutions. Arrested at the age of 21, he was given a 10-year sentence. While in jail, he became interested in the Nation of Islam, the Black Muslim sect led by Elijah Muhammad, who advocated separation of the races. Paroled in 1952, he adopted the name Malcolm X, and became a leader of the Black Muslim movement.His eloquence drew a strong following but his popularity and forceful personality led to disputes and ultimately his expulsion from the movement in 1963. He then founded his own organization.Following a pilgrimage to Mecca, Malcolm modified his views and accepted the possibility of working with people of diverse ethnic backgrounds. He was assassinated in 1965 during a speech in New York City. Malcolm X's influence has grown since his death, largely through his autobiography and, most recently, a film.

Ralph Abernathy(1926-1990)Ralph Abernathy, Martin Luther King Jr.'s closest associate, was a prominent figure in the civil rights movement for three decades. In 1955, he helped organize the association to supervise a city-wide bus boycott in Montgomery, Alabama. following the arrest of Rosa Parks, who refused to give up her seat to a white passenger.In 1957, a group of Southern black ministers from 11 states met with King and Abernathy to establish the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), King was elected president and Abernathy, secretary-treasurer. Under their leadership. the SCLC organized nonviolent marches, sit-ins, boycotts, prayer pilgrimages and voter registration drives protesting segregation in the South. After King's death, Abernathy became president of the SCLC, heading it until 1973.

Andrew Young(1932- )Born in New Orleans, Louisiana, Andrew Jackson Young graduated from Howard University and later was ordained as a minister.While working on a voter-registration project, he met Martin Luther King Jr. and joined the SCLC where he became one of King's most trusted aides. He was active in desegregation campaigns in Birmingham, Alabama, and Chicago, Illinois, and in the 1963 March on Washington. Young became SCLC executive director in 1964 and, after King's death, executive vice president under Ralph Abernathy.Elected to Congress in 1972, he was reelected twice. President Jimmy Carter named him ambassador to the United Nations in 1977. In 1981, he was elected mayor of Atlanta and was reelected overwhelmingly in 1985. Young has been chairman of GoodWorks International, a consulting firm he co-founded, since 1997.

Colin Powell(1937- )Colin Powell became U.S. secretary of state, the first African-American to hold that position, in 2001. Prior to his appointment, he was the chairman of America's Promise -- The Alliance for Youth, a nonprofit organization dedicated to building the character and competence of young people.Powell was a soldier for 35 years and rose to the rank of four-star general. He served as assistant to the president for national security affairs and as chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, the highest position in the U.S. military, before his retirement in 1993. As chairman, he played a major role in the 1991 Persian Gulf War and in the restructuring of the U.S. military following the end of the Cold War.

Happy New Years!! A Resolution of Unity and Peace

2009-01-09T23:10:00.002-05:00

Greetings! Happy New Year to everyone! I hope the new year has been great so far. As a new year's resolution, I would like to do better about keeping in touch with my friends and family. I am hoping to take the time to reconnect with old friends, make and enjoy new friends, and to bridge some gaps among family members. Life is about more than our careers, our titles, our perceived successes and failures or our possessions. Every moment is so precious. Truthfully, at the end of the day, all any of us really have as our own are the relationships with others and the legacies we leave behind.

As the subject indicates, I am in Mississippi. It's a temporary assignment for more training. I am doing well, I am happy for the moment. We all know how hard it is for me to keep still, so expect a new email with a new location soon!

Some of you I've spoken to in the last 10 minutes; others I haven't spoken to in 10 months. Either way, shoot me an email letting me know how you are doing and what's going on in your world! I wish you the best 2009 has to offer!!

Lots of Hugs and Kisses!

Doriannicole

Are you ready to FLY?

2009-01-09T18:33:00.002-05:00

Harriet crawled so Frederick could write. Frederick wrote so Rosa could sit. Rosa sat so Martin could walk. Martin walked so Barack could run. Barack ran so we all can fly.

*********

20 Jan 2009, the inauguration of America's newest president, is indeed a day of monumental history, great pride and accomplishment for our nation. But, the story must continue. We must all do our part to ensure their lives were not in vain...Harriet, Fredrick, Rosa, Martin, and Barack did it so each of us, no matter our race, ethnicity, creed, sexuality, nationality or gender could carry on the legacy of an America in pursuit of freedom, happiness, and justice for all. Are you ready to take flight?

10 Ways to make a difference in your community:

1. Mentor a child or teenager.
2. Be a good role model, lead by example.
3. Donate time to charitable causes (money is not enough).
4. Contact your local political representative about key issues.
5. Sponsor a child to go to school. (Depending on grade level, this could be as simple as buying school supplies, uniforms, etc.)
6. Contact your local volunteer center for opportunities to serve.
7. Become an organ donor. Donate Blood.
8. Help a teacher grade papers. Make dinner for firefighters. Bake cookies for policemen.
9. Look for the good in ALL people and teach your children to do the same.
10. Think critically. Be willing to step outside the box. And love thy neighbor as you love yourself.

An ObamaNation

2008-11-06T23:07:00.003-05:00

Two days later, I still cannot adequately nor completely accurately express into words what the start of an "Obama-nation" means to me or to America. I have been thinking about what others are saying about his monumental and historical victory and decided to compile some of my thoughts:

1. Blacks all over the world should be proud of what Obama has accomplished.
Indeed they should be. We ALL should be proud of what WE have accomplished. Obama launched an awe inspiring campaign 21 months ago. But WE worked side by side, sending donations, volunteering to help, campaigning for him, telling our friends, registering people to vote, but most importantly, believing in a movement greater than ourselves. We must remember, AMERICA voted, not just Black people. It doesn't undermine the accomplishment nor its historical significance. It just to remind us to maintain and foster the unity we developed with each other over the course of this campaign.

2. We were afraid to take a chance, afraid to risk disappointment.
Whoo! That's powerful. I do think that so many of us were afraid to dream, afraid to take a chance, we were so afraid to hope that we have been since that fateful day in 1968 a rather silent people. For the most part, we had been conditioned into a state of complacency. A place where dreams were limited, goals short-term, and life surrounded by the walls of society's box. Yes, we've had the NAACP voicing concerns on the news, the LA riots of 1996, and we petitioned for Aminah Lewall. But, we have not sacrificed and fought for anything like we did this President. Failure would lead to disappointment, so we only attempted what we were sure would be possible. Obama attempted the impossible and succeeded! We are beginning to understand that dreams do come true. In essence, Barack Obama gave us the "Audacity to Hope." Amazing how Obama's book sums so eloquently this campaign.

3. This is important for the upcoming generations.
Actually, Obama's election is important to ALL generations. He inspires everyone, all nationalities, all socioeconomic statuses, all races, all professions. He inspires the old to dream one more time. He inspires the young to push to new heights. He inspires the nation to embrace its diversity and has proven that unity and diversity can coincide gracefully and powerfully. But, the greatest privilege he has given us is our new ability to encourage our children. We have expanded the horizons of their futures. Truly they can be whatever they want to be; we no longer have to shield them from the old perceived 'reality' that the 'world ain't ready for no Black...' We can do anything we put our hearts and minds to do.

4. Barack Obama is going to work primarily on behalf of other Black Americans
That's disappointing to hear. Seriously. Barack Obama won this election with a very sizeable margin. That means people of all colors joined him on his journey to the White House. Why would he just ignore such a massive group of people? Further, during the entire campaign, Obama has preached a message of unity and has demonstrated his desire to work for the country...not a group of people. He wants America to be free and open and truly live up to the Land of Opportunity. He's about creating jobs, repairing the economy, etc...not giving out 'hook ups' to other Black people. A claim like this just highlights the ignorance that still pervades this country.

5. Okay, so now that he's President (Elect), what happens next?
The journey just began. Getting to the White House was akin to finally getting into the car for a long road trip. There are still lots of ground to cover, especially in the next four years. WE must work together to support his initiatives, we must all do our part to help reduce our energy usage, keep our streets clean, take care of our children, support our educators, support our soldiers, etc. We keep working. Leadership requires followership. We are following his lead, learning valuable lessons. Already, during this campaign, we have had lessons on professionalism, the inevitability of hatership, resilience, perserverance, diplomacy, and honesty. In the next 4-8 years, I do believe that more of such lessons will be learned. Eventually, most in America will see the beauty of diversity.

The beautiful part of this election was not just that a Black man was elected President. But that this man has the ability to circumvent the negativity and replace it with new ideas. He educated us, he focused on us, and through his outstanding oratory abilities, he inspired us. He dared to dream, and his dream became a reality.

On Patriotism....

2008-11-04T23:21:00.000-05:00

Patriotism is defined as "devoted love, support, and defense of one's country; national loyalty;" "love of country and willingness to sacrifice for it;" and "love of country; devotion to the welfare of one's country; the virtues and actions of a patriot; the passion which inspires one to serve one's country." Patriotism to me embodies an unconditional reciprocal relationship between one's country and one's spirit; a relationship in which both give for each other, each benefitting from the other; a relationship where the unique and diverse qualities and characteristic of both the individual and the nation are not only accepted but encouraged; a relationship in which the history of each one is an integral part to the history of the nation.
Both candidates for President of the United States have displayed unmistakable patriotism. Both have contributed significantly to the continued growth and development of our relatively young nation. Both have sacrificed many years, albeit through disparate journeys, for the causes of our country. Each have demanded and effected change within the systems, the hearts, the minds, and souls of America. And, for this, we should all be truly grateful.
John McCain served in the US military, fighting in one of the most gruesome wars in American history. He sacrificed much of his life to defend our nation, to save our soldiers, and to promote a positive change in our government. While some of his plans for America might have been contrary to my own personal beliefs, the immense effort and passion that he thrust behind them still managed to stir something within me. His story as a Prisoner of War (POW) is inspiring and serves as a great testament to John McCain's courage and selflessness. His service to the United States can never go unappreciated.
Barack Obama didn't follow the traditional military path. Instead, this great orator has appealed to the masses through their hearts. He has triggered a surge of deep patriotism that has not been felt to this extent in my lifetime.
Of course, after 9/11 everyone was temporarily patriotic. But, it was temporary. Most people resumed their lives, thinking about it as the media blasted it, but dismissing it during the commerical breaks. Some put up flags as a reminder of this country's greatness, some wore wrist bands, some wore lapel flag pins, some sent a donation to organizations that helped others. And, true indeed, some felt their lives changing as that second plane hit the World Trade Center towers. Some felt a sense of patriotism so strong that they left the security of their jobs to help restore America, some enlisted in the US Armed Forces, some took in displaced children. But still, the masses went profoundly unaffected. The effect of the blasts was superficial, shrouded in controversy, and filled with judgment of many: of our government, our President, our nation, and even our neighbors. In many situations, 9/11 caused such an intense fear, not patriotism, that the very diversity that makes this country great, was replaced with separatist hatred. Now, anyone resembling a Muslim, was a terrorist.
Now, Obama may never have served in the Armed Forces. But he has rolled up his sleeves to work in some of the most desperate neighborhoods in this country, making the point that wearing a uniform doesn't make you a patriot. It's not what you wear that defines you, it's who you are inside, as he explained when the media lambasted him for not wearing the 9/11 lapel pin. His patriotism is very deep and sincere and he won this election not just because he came up with an economic plan, but because he incited that patriotic spirit in the atoms of our nation. He reached out to the smallest part of our nation: each person. He, unlike anyone I've ever seen before, recognized the importance of each individual in the success of a nation. He recognized that WE must work to repair America, not just our elected officials. He started from the bottom and reached the "mountaintop" that Martin Luther King, Jr. spoke about.
Yes, we made history. We will see the first African-American President ever in America. That is awesome. But more awesome than the color of his skin, was his ability to move people to action. More people registered to vote than in any previous election. People were moved to see past color lines, past party lines, and beyond those things that divide us. Instead his campaign focused on all that made us America, all that united us. That's patriotism. Working from the bottom, devoting time, energy, love, money, and sacrificing for the welfare of America, and inspiring others to do the same is patriotism. He made this fight one for America. WE campaigned, WE sacrificed, WE devoted time, WE believed in something greated than "me," WE believed in US!
Now, WE must continue to work, to strive for change, to work together, to endure together, to make sacrifices, and to lend ourselves for America. Obama is the elected leader, but as such we must do our part to help him to help us be the US we can be. YES WE CAN!

Beyond Aesthetics...

2008-10-15T18:08:00.002-05:00

True beauty lies far below the superficial limitations of our visual cues; deeper than our skin complexions, beyond our hairstyles, beneath the layers of fabric (and their brands) we wear.

True intelligence is more profound than titles, roles, degrees. It cannot be measured by the number of books one has read or written. It cannot be determined by shear verbosity, aptitude, testing ability, or naif expertise.

True love is incomparable to anything human. It moves beyond our emotions, our thoughts, our ideas of romance, our notions of family and relationships. It extends past the confines of our imagination, past ourselves. It erases color lines, national boundaries, gang territories, denominations, religious affiliations, and other divisive institutions.

True beauty is the ability to see God in everyone else. When you see beauty in others in spite of their attitudes, dispositions, moral decisions, beliefs, skin color, hair texture, clothing preferences, sexuality, religious affiliations, etc., you choose to see the beauty of God's imagination. You see His creation. The awareness of frivolity of all of the minuscule details we spend our lives 'preventing' or 'lifting' or 'tucking' or 'covering' leads us to see the bigger picture. We see that God created us all in his image. No man inferior to another, rather each man necessary for the survival of the rest. No man walketh a path of life alone. He encounters at least one life, and with just the encounter, changes it.

True intelligence is the understanding that humans will never know it all. We will research and discover and add to our relatively small perception of the world we live in. We will develop schemes to accomplish great tasks, we will turn to doctors for medical advice; lawyers for legal advice. And yes, we can live and make smart and wise decisions; but, we will not uncover genuine intelligence as long as we think we already know what it is. The intelligence we too often forget about comes in the form of gifts, talents that God has given each of us. We value some more than others, but we shouldn't. Without each of these talents the world could not exist as it does, we would not be able to do the jobs we have. Intelligence comes in knowing that there is so much more to understand that stems from a Source far greater than the next laboratory.

And true love. True love is unconditional. It is everlasting and always forgiving. And no matter how many people think they have found it, true love is actually foreign to our world; instead of forgiving, we go to war. True loves says that 'because God made you, I will sacrifice my all for you.' It doesn't ask for your appreciation, a certificate of excellence, or a return of the favor. Just recognition of God's love for you. Human beings cannot love in complete truth. We can love with sincerity. We want to love with everything we have, and we do...but we do not live in complete truth for we cannot live in something which we continuously seek.

In our search for the Truth, we have traveled into places near and far, into other galaxies, onto other planets. But until we take a collective look inside of each one of us we won't find it. Truth lives in us. God is Truth and He resides in all of his creations. The superfluous truth that we live each day is never enough to sustain us. We are constantly searching for more, a greater truth, and more in depth truth, the real truth.... But we are looking to aesthetics to guide us, our brains to figure it out, our hearts to push our emotions, but we don't get to the depths of our own souls. We don't know who we are at our very core.

In learning who God is, we can gain true intelligence. God knows all. No need for a LSAT or GRE to prove that. In learning who God is, we can learn to see the beauty of all of His creations. We can learn to appreciate our earth and all of its inhabitants. And In learning who God is, we can experience the Greatest Love ever to exist. We already have the tools we need. We just need to start digging.

This is you...

2008-10-11T18:21:00.006-05:00

Your soul is an open wound, broken stitches, jagged edges. Wounded and repaired, wounded again. 'For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten son....' and yet, he still left you? A soul struggling to hold on to its life. Clinging. . .

Your mind, filled with anger, bitterness, confusion, fear forms a brick wall surrounding your heart and soul. Because of what you know. More, though, because of what you don't know. Your mind searches for answers to questions you can't ask, he's not there to answer, or to which you just don't want to know the answers.

Your heart, though hardened by your life's losses, the disappointments, and the failures of love, is purified like a diamond in the midst of coal. Rare. Clear. Coveted. Valued. Flawless. Waiting to be rescued, waiting to love, waiting to signal your world that you are ready to take a chance. Waiting.

And your body; wanting, giving... makes love but fights wars, caresses yet defends, dancing to its own flavor of music, tasting-no, consuming life with exuberant passion.

This is you.

Moonlit nights, heated by your warmth replay themselves in my mind. Nights of passion, nights of trust... Indulgence.

The smell of your body, your cologne, your scent are refreshed every time I see you. I can remember what you smelled like, I can remember what you felt like...

The taste of your lips, almost as sweet as the words that emanate from them, cause my whole body to shudder with anticipation. Then, the feel of them on my neck, my chest, my breasts, my...

The feel of your strength, strong hands caressing my body, holding me steady, keeping me...guiding me. The strength of your body accepting mine, entering mine--giving me power.

This is you and me.

I cannot express what you do to me. I cannot tell you of my dreams, my fantasies. I cannot tell you that even without touching you, my thoughts betray my inhibitions. I cannot tell you of the ways my world changes for you, how your smile can renew my spirit. I cannot tell you of the place you made in my heart, that will be there even when we part. Ah, when we part...

Sadness, loneliness, heartache will come... I opened doors, moved walls and let you into places I probably will never let anyone again. We will go our separate ways and with me I will carry a precarious mixture of guilt, betrayal, love and lust... but I wouldn't change even one moment...

This is me.

The Key

2008-09-18T12:19:00.003-05:00

I can no longer listen to the tintinnabulations of the shackles and chains of my past. I have spent most of my life living in regret, shame and hopelessness. I have already wasted so much of my short life in tears because of what people stole from me.

For years, I have struggled to go nowhere, just anywhere away from the pain of my childhood, the misery of my rape, and the heartaches and suffering of my illness. I have once written that I was not just raped; I was raped and murdered. It was a massacre. My children were murdered. My family was killed. And my hopes and dreams, bludgeoned, beaten, kicked, stabbed, and fatally wounded. I thought God had forsaken me when Dr. Anjins diagnosed me with ovarian cancer. I thought I'd been left to walk the sands of the beach with only one set of footprints.

In reality though, my tears, my lack of focus, my inability to see my life beyond my own set of circumstances, prevented me from being able to see the truth of it all. Because I didn't see it, I thought it wasn't there. I can almost laugh at that notion now. The immaturity of my relationship with God, my shakiness in my faith, my inconsistency in my walk, led me to believe something I knew wasn't true.

How is it that we know that God is real, yet find ways to undermine His presence in our lives? I kept thinking: If God were real and true, then He would never have let these things happen to me. I would ask over and over why God let these things happen to me. Wasn't I a good person? Didn't I do what I was supposed to do?

Funny, because while I have shared my testimony with hundreds of people, learned to pray and meditate again, and truly reestablished my connection with God, I never really understood how God sees me and my circumstances; what His intentions for my life are--until now. Here's where I now stand:

In each level of both my life and my conscious searching for God, He has never

failed to provide me the things for which I fervently asked. He is the provider of

everything my heart could desire and my mind could conjure. There is nothing in this

world, this universe, that He did not create.

Things happened to me, yes. God never intended for my body to be permanently

scarred. He never pushed me into trouble, or even led me down the wrong road. I walked

down a road, I lacked faith, I lacked the spiritual weapons I should have had, I lacked the

vision. I asked God to help me to be closer to my mother. I asked God to bring me together

with my family. I asked God to use me to help other people.

And that's just what He did.

Now, here I am, a creature with emotions and feelings. But, unlike before, I walk in faith. I just step out. I pray, I meditate, I ask God for answers and they come. When they do, I listen. I joined the Air Force because I wanted to make a difference in the lives of others. I believe God heard that and has given me the opportunity to help other people reach their potential, to move past their obstacles, and come closer to him...without ever having done the job I came to the Air Force to do. The obstacles I have encountered just allowed me to find new routes, meet and encourage a new set of people, and share God's love in places I wouldn't have otherwise.

Moreover, God has led other people to me. I have attracted so many 'angels' that look out for me. There are people who come just when I need them the most, calls that come at just the right time, movies or books or speakers that say just what I need them to say, right when I need them to say it. God sends out others who have figured it out so that I can figure it out. My gratitude to have so many people, so much happiness come my way so often, is immeasurable.

The same holds true for all of the baggage to which I have been shackled and chained. God has blessed me with a new perspective. I have a different understanding of events in a person's life for which I have encouragement to share. I have been sent on another path because of those events of my past.

I don't believe you are what you experience, rather, you are the knowledge and the lessons you acquire from what you experience. Knowledge alone isn't power, the courage to apply the knowledge you have is powerful. The openness to reach to a higher source to find answers is powerful. To look within yourself and find that there is nothing you can't do, not because you are so great, but because God is in you, and HE is awesome beyond measure, is an awe inspiring moment. It is a moment so powerful, so overwhelming, that people seldom act on that new understanding.

I can no longer stand to hear the tinkles and chimes of the chains with which I am bound. God has no limitations, God is in me, therefore I have no limitations. Everything I am supposed to be, I am. In Him, I am perfect and true, beautiful in my own way. I don't have to be perfect by the world's standards. I am who I am, true to who I am, and thus perfect at being who God intended me to be.

The Power of the Challenge

2008-07-26T10:53:00.000-05:00

I believe in God. I believe in the power of prayer. I believe in love. I believe that every soul on this planet has a purpose; that no one is here serendipitously. I believe that no weapon formed against me shall prosper because I kept in His hands and no man is strong enough to defeat God's power.

I must admit that from time to time, I lose sight of this credence. I forget that I have a purpose and that I am exactly where I am because I am supposed to be at that precise moment. I forget that I have a purpose or that others have purposes in my life. I forget about the power of love...of God's love, of human love, and of self-love.

In my lifetime, I have faced a plethora of challenges. My faith has been tested and proven, time and time again. Each of these tests, some small and some huge, has worked to build the foundation of my faith. I have learned that you can claim to believe in something, you can claim to be faithful to something; but until that faith or belief is challenged, you cannot be sure of its validity and strength.

Nothing is considered factual without study. How do we know if a product works? We test it; with these tests we prove the validity of the claim that it works. Without these tests, the claims are just words without meaning. How do we know that a building is the tallest in the world? We measure it and compare its measurements with those of the rest of the world's buildings. The same holds true for our faith and beliefs.

Everyday, people say they love one another. New couples emerge and they say those three words. And they ask themselves, how do I know this is real? How do I know that he/she loves me? Am I sure that I love him/her? And then, that love is tested. And you know that its real because it endures. I am convinced that this is the reason that couples married for many years often say they love their spouse more today than they did when they got married. How many times has their love been tested in the span of the marriage? The more trials they endure, the stronger the love proves to be.

Every relationship we have works this way. The spiritual relationships, the human relationships, the relationship we have with ourselves, all work this way. To build on a relationship, one must endure tests and trials, to prevail in spite of storms that will certainly assay the strength of that bond.

So, through every test and challenge I experience, I learn to reexamine what I believe. My trials and challenges have proven that God exists, proven the power of prayer, the power of love, and that there is a purpose for everything under the sun... the greatest challenge is learning to let go and accept those purposes, accept love, and to learn to pray for more understanding.

What will I die for?

2008-07-25T22:11:00.004-05:00

I once read a quote that said, "You can't know what you live for if you don't know what you'll die for." As I read that quote, a melange of ideas scattered my thoughts. Different themes danced around light heartedly as I, selfishly, thought about vanilla Oreo cookies and other supererogatory material goods. And then, as if God, Himself, were speaking to me, those thoughts suddenly vanished and an overpowering and inextricable set of emotions fell upon me.
In an instant, I thought about the firefighters who lost their lives in the 9/11 attacks. Those men and women who sacrificed themselves for the lives of others. They believed in those people they saved. They believed in the value of each life as the men and women of the trade towers were extracted from the building. They believed that each of those they saved had a purpose and would each make incalculable contributions to our nation. They believed this before the first plane ever took off from that airport. They believed in it the day they took their oath.
In my mind, examples of heroism began to deluge my mind, an irreversible cataclysm of faith. I realized that people do what they do everyday because they have faith in other people. I thought about Christa, my little seven-year-old hero, who with her precocious wisdom, brought me back to reality and, probably, ultimately saved my life. I thought about how much she believed in God's word and how she feared not anything this world could offer or take away. I thought about how, at seven years old, she knew that God had given her life and that in death, He would give her life anew. And she believed it so intently, that she was willing to die for it.
I thought about Jason, the Air Force medic who deployed with the Army six times to Iraq. I thought about how he never once complained when his tours were extended. How he worked through exhaustion, how he sacrificed his family to ensure that others kept their loved ones. I thought about his belief in that flag of 13 stripes and 50 stars, in that uniform and all that it represented, and in this nation, replete with imperfections yet still serving as a beacon of hope for millions around the world. I thought about the children not even born yet that he fought to protect. I thought about the families whose loved ones were kept alive by his heroism. I thought of the way he died in combat, with pride, honor and dignity. He died fighting for more than a victory, he died for what he believed in.
And now, I ask myself again what it is that I am willing to die for. I ask because knowing why I do what I do helps to keep me focused on the task. It helps me to understand that each day may not be easy, that no days may be easy, but that each day is worth it because whether with a hose, my words and prayers, or my m-16, I am a warrior. I am fighting for what I believe in. So today, with absolute certitude, I understand what I life for. I live for my family: my mother, my siblings, my nieces and nephews. I live for my neighborhoods: my students who fight everyday to survive the world. I live for my nation, replete with foibles at every level, but the only place I'd ever want to claim as my own. I live for my love of the human race. But most importantly. I live for God. Jesus died on the cross because He believed in me. What can I do to be worthy of that honor? I can never live to that standard.
As I was writing this, I thought of one more person: Wiline. Every email she has ever sent me summed up my entire understanding; everything I believe falls under the umbrella of the words written in the signature block of her messages to me:

For Christ I live, and for Christ I will die.

To You, Mrs. Middleton

2008-07-19T06:26:00.001-05:00

When she was born back in 1988, I had already established my position in the family as the baby. And when she came home and garnered all of the attention of our family and friends, I was bitter and filled with resentment. But as I have grown up, I started to see her with different lenses.

When she was two years old, she watched THE LITTLE MERMAID no less than a thousand times (I'm not really exaggerating in that number). To this day, we quote the movie at every swimming event...and sometimes in completely dry situations. She demanded and drank so much apple juice that I now can barely tolerate the smell of Mott's Apple Juice. I, in my adult life, have NEVER bought apple juice for my household. Thank you, Briana. This is the little girl who screamed and danced in horror at the mere mention of 'ants' or 'ghosts'...she still does...(I'm mischievously smirking now as I type this.)

She was always a princess, beautiful, demanding, mean, and spoiled rotten. I have pictures of her pouting from day one. Smart, learning to spell with music (we should've known then)..."S-L-E-E-P-Y, Sleepy!" she would sing. Then it was her name, then more complicated stuff.... I remember Mommy used to spell EVERYTHING, and I remember the day Briana decided she knew how to spell McDonald's...my mom was stunned. We still tried to spell stuff, but the little slickster understood us anyway...

She knew how to cry and manipulate anyone into having her way. And, as bratty as she was sometimes, I learned early on how sweet and special she is. I hated that she copied everything I did, said, suffered through, wore...now, I see her affection and the flattery she intended in those days. I know how much she respects who we are and yearns to learn all that she can. Her goofy jokes, her sensitivities, her sweet hugs, her warm emails, her loud messages through someone else's phone calls; all serve to show just how special she really is.

I remember telling someone she was 13...and then realized she was 13 three or four years prior! I couldn't believe she was growing up so fast. And now, as I sit here and look at her, I see something completely new. I see this beautiful rose bush whose thorns and thick branches sometimes start trouble at home, but whose awesome delicate flowers overshadow everything else. The buds of her flowers still haven't opened all the way, but they are as bright and ready as any other of God's creations.

I still can't believe she is grown. I still can't believe she is married. I still can't believe how God has blessed us all by her very existence. The sibling rivalries, the trifling and petty arguments and my extreme aversion to apple juice, have all been necessary to all of us. We are who we are today because of them. But, the overwhelming pride I have in her, the unyielding and unconditional love I have for her, the deep respect I have for her and what she is accomplishing, and the great adoration I have for her as my sister are sentiments I am now sharing with her, voluntarily. (Let's not talk about sharing as siblings...lol)

I hope to one day soon follow in her footsteps down that aisle. I hope to be as confident, as beautiful, as ready, as open-minded and as in love as she is right now. Life is short. (Briana may be a little shorter...hey, I am still the big sister!) But, in the two decades we've shared on this planet, I have learned a lot from her. She makes me want to be a better example for her. She pushes me when I need a nudge here and there. She yells through the phone that she loves me, and counts and cherishes each minute I spend with her.
** ** ** ** **
Breezy, I love who you are, and I am excited about who you are becoming. Don't forget to pray and ask for guidance. And know, that for the rest of our lives, you can always count on me. I am proud of the young woman you are. Continue in your diligence, be as good of a wife as you have been a little sister. I love you little one!

Exactly Where I Am...

2008-07-04T22:53:00.004-05:00

If there is nothing else that this past year has taught me, it has shown me innumerable times how God has a plan that trumps any plans I can make for myself. With this, there is no possibility that I can be in a place that I should not be.

I pray daily for God to order my steps. I pray for direction and purpose. God answers my prayers everytime. I just don't always like His answer. Sometimes, He allows me to move as I'd planned. However, as soon as my plans aren't aligned with His, He makes modifications.

So, now, I am still here in Texas, upset about not being able to leave and go on to do more training. But each day, I am learning alot about how my presence is needed here. I am able to have relationships that I would probably have never had if I hadn't stepped exactly how I did...if I weren't exactly where I am.

Faith is praying for it, and moving knowing that it will come to pass. Well, I pray for guidance, direction and purpose for each step. God, knowing all, responds and sets up my journey as I manuver my way through various obstacles. I know that the obstacles I face strengthen me and my faith and serve to guide me onto other paths.

So, instead of spending the remainder of my time, lamenting about all of the things I could be doing, or that I should be doing, I am going to take the time to thank God for allowing me to do the things that I find myself doing at that moment. I am going to pray that He continues to order my steps and that I find peace within my situation.

Love: How do you know it's real?

2008-04-20T06:56:00.000-05:00

Real love doesn't come everyday. As a person who has just begun to find out what that even means, I am no expert in defining the constraints that permit us to categorize our feelings and emotions under such a title. In fact, I don't think real love is solely emotions or feelings. While those may be the more tangible facets of this phenomenon, it is becoming more clear to me that other aspects present themselves more conspicuously and much less confusingly.

In my own case, I have loved before. I have really felt for someone a kind of love that until now, I thought to be 'real love.' It was. In it's own way... I cared deeply for people. I still care deeply.
But this that I feel now goes further. Much further.

Now, I pray every night that God never let this person walk out of my life. I ask God to make me a better person and to prepare me to be for him what he needs me to be. I ask God to direct my path to follow His will and to help me to be the Christian woman this man deserves. I walk in faith. I cannot give up even when I think I can't take anymore. I walk...blindly into our future. I cannot make decisions without him. The two most important figures in my life are God and my man...even when it seems that neither is present.

I have tried to walk away...but my heart is threaded to his. I am in love with him. I am in love with Him. Both love me. Both speak to my heart. Both amaze me everyday. And I am blessed. One blessed me with the other. The other helps me to look to Him. It's a circle, a cycle of life, and love. And I feel that with both, anything is possible.

Care Package from God

2007-12-15T05:00:00.000-05:00

Sometimes when you least expect it, God sends you a care package. The contents of the care package are not always completely understood until you need them. How they will work for you in your life may sometimes remain unknown or appear as negative things. It takes a deep trust and unrelenting faith to be able to accept whatever comes in the care package.

All my life, I have been struggling to define and redefine myself on my own terms. I spent most of my life catering to the needs of other people, always thinking of them before myself. And many times, after spending all I had on them, I left very little or nothing at all for myself. Other times, I fell prey to people whose only interests were themselves and their physical needs and desires. I allowed them to play on my vulnerability, naivety, and later, my hopelessness and frustration.

So, for the last seven and a half years, I have worked diligently to become a better person, to think of others while not sacrificing myself, to reconcile the painful memories of my past, and to take productive measures to improve my future. More importantly, I have developed a much more profound and sincere understanding of my spirituality. I have begun to really assess my beliefs and to develop my spirituality.

I have always known and believed in God, but for several years of my life, I ignored Him. I turned my back to Him and refused to acknowledge His presence in my life or in the world around me. And while I had refused to accept Him, to acknowledge Him, to worship Him, to praise Him, as soon as I was in inescapable trouble, He was the first to be called. And, you know what? He came.

As I have grown, God has placed wonderful people in my path that continue to encourage personal growth. They grow with me, they encourage me, they help me, I help them, we learn together; and when this can no longer happen, our paths separate. They are like ‘angels on an internship’—in and out of your life after just a little while. Each one changing you somehow, making you better somehow, preparing you for what’s to come, for what lies ahead.

And now, as I sit here and reflect on all of the beautiful footprints that have been made next to mine, when I think of all of the positive changes that have come out of my relationships with all of the angel interns, I am amazed. I realize that I am very blessed.

There are times when the contents of these care packages don't seem so much like a blessing. There are times when the pain is more than you think you can bear. But, in the end, the true miracles and blessings, and deeper understanding of God's strength and mercy override the temporary discomfort. Just knowing that pain is temporary, that God can take you out of any situation, and that there are lessons in every situation help me to endure the situations. I have learned to thank God for the things I cannot see directly... for my storms, my doubts...not because I like hard times, but because without them, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the better times, nor would I know His power.

Joy....

2007-11-12T10:53:00.000-05:00

On a daily basis, I am asked whether or not I am ALWAYS this happy. And, all who know me usually respond for me (with eyes rolling) with a resounding YES!

It is said that misery loves company. Rarely, if ever, do we consider that happiness also loves company. People want to be happy. I find that we just don't share our happiness as quickly and as openly as we do our misery. So, everyday, I set out to share God's blessings with others.

I don't necessarily have to testify how God has blessed me to share my love for life. I have found that even small doses of laughter, smiles, sincerity, hugs, etc. go a long way. Sharing my joy comes in many forms. I laugh, I smile, I counsel others, I help whenever and how ever I can, and I do only what I can do with a happy heart.

Love of life means love of people. It means love of God. And it means love of self. So each day, I love my neighbors like I love myself. I treat everyone the way I would like to be treated. I try desperately to handle difficult situations in a way that would make God happy.

All of this translates to a life filled with passion, zest, joy, and power. To be blessed with a life that inspires, a life that empowers, a life that enhances, and a life that is dedicated to do good deeds,and glorify His name, is all I ask God for each day.

I am in love...

2007-10-01T22:17:00.000-05:00

While living in Korea, I fell in love.

I fell in love first with God. For the first time in my life, I was in forced solitude. Unable to speak Korean and communicate with others, I was blessed with the opportunity to explore the world around me and, more importantly, the world within me. I found a great church home and immediately felt my spirit blossoming like a spring flower. As our relationship develops deeper, more completely, God reveals to me parts of His divine plan, helping me to understand my place and purpose in life. Each day that I live strengthens the love I have for Him and His plan.

I fell in love with myself. I cannot recall a time when I appreciated myself. While I am still growing into the person I want to be, I realize that I am just who God needs me to be right now. My self perception has improved immensely. Aside from the physical changes, I have changed my attitude. I have learned that God has a plan and a purpose for me, and that every challenge, every perceived failure, every hardship, every loss has been to show me a victory, success, a blessing, and a gain. My new vision, that sees the beauty in the obstacles of life, has brought to me a new joy, comparable to no other.

My new found love for me helped me to fall in love with someone else. I met a man with whom I'd planned to spend the rest of my life. I thought of him as everything I'd ever want in a man. And, while we ultimately didn't work out, I learned a lot from him. I learned that there are men who know how to treat a woman. There are those who respect and value women, those who will be good role models for future generations. I also learned that there was even more that I required of him, because there is more that God requires of me. So, inspite the difficulty of the break up, the tears, and broken hearts, I succeeded. I learned valuable lessons and continued to develop my own expectations for the man who God sends me later.

Most importantly, I fell in love with life. I fell in love with MY life. In fact, every day, I fall in love with life all over again. I have even begun to love my past. I am understanding how my past has helped me to become my present, and how my present will help to tailor my future. I am recognizing the beauty in pain, the hope in suffering, the knowledge of defeat, and the excitement in the unknown. I appreciate the simple days, the sweetness of sincerity, the rush of love and adventure, the enlightenment of learning, the blessing of life itself. I see my life as a masterpiece of God. There are dark lines, shadows, light, brilliance, color, beauty. Without any element of the painting, the work would cease to exist as it is. I am realizing daily the need for the struggle, the need for pain, the need for heartache. For without it, how can we appreciate their opposites? How can we love others and appreciate their pasts, their lives, if we can't our own?

God's Plan

2007-09-12T09:37:00.000-05:00

"But Naaman went away angry and said, "I thought that he would surely come out to me and stand and call on the name of the LORD his God, wave his hand over the spot and cure me of my leprosy." 2 Kings 5:11 (NIV)

There are many people who walk around daily in a perpetual state of depression and disappointment. They are frustrated by their jobs, their family situations, their finances, their love lifes, etc.

Sometimes, we pray to God to help us through circumstances, to heal us of our ailments-both physical and mental. We ask for cures for our cancers, instant healing. We ask for our dream jobs to just pop into our spaces, for money to miraculously fall into our bank accounts, for bills to pay themselves, for our future husbands/wives to run into us in the market and fall madly in love immediately. However, God doesn't always work the way we want Him to. His plans and our plans are sometimes very different.

In my life there have been numerous times when, inspite my best planning, things just didn't work out the way I'd expected them to. It has always, without fail, worked out though. In the end, I had been blessed with more than I'd ever even asked for. The challenges and difficulties I faced along the way, turned out to be for my betterment. I learned to appreciate my blessings. More importantly, I learned that God doesn't always fix our problems when and how we'd like Him to, but He always makes things work out for the better for those who trust and believe in Him. If we take the lessons He sends to us, if we trust that His plan is greater than our own, then we can grow closer to Him, accessing more and more of His blessings with each step.

God and Storms

2007-09-01T22:57:00.000-05:00

God is the center of everything. There is no success, no failure, no breath that exists without Him. We thank God for the successes, we call Him when we are in the midst of storms, but we often fail to thank Him for the storm.
Storms are multifaceted, complex creations. If you ever sat back and reflected during a storm, you would be able to see so much of God's work at play. Each component of a storm is necessary for the circumstances that persist. For me, the analogy is perfect with the trials we encounter daily...some are showers, some are thunderstorms, others are hurricanes, tornados, tsunamis,earthquakes. Yet, inspite the seeming damage, the hurt, pain, devastation; there are other effects we often take for granted.
Think of the analogy a little more: the clouds that precede the storms are the small warnings that God sends. Sometimes, we pay attention to them (and prepare ourselves accordingly- we evacuate our homes, our relationships, our jobs, etc.) and have faith that God will carry us through the storm. Other times, we are so preoccupied with our own worlds that we don't hear Him. We forget to shut up and look up...and we are caught off guard. And, in these circumstances, the storms hit us hard...damage is much more extensive.
The rain, made of the water He made, cleanses our worlds. It sometimes rains so heavily that we have to stop what we are doing (ever been driving and couldn't see?) or it just sprinkles enough to clean our lenses...refocus our perspectives. If you look deeper, you can find the leaks in your umbrella with just a sprinkle (are you focusing too much on your man/woman? your job? your bank account?)
The thunder is God's way of speaking to us. He reminds us of His strength, of His power. The lightning is the light that guides His voice. The light that makes those of us who are deaf, SEE the beautiful strength and power of His creation.
The winds, blowing to cool us down, offer us fresh air to breathe. We are blessed with new ideas, new lives, new paths uncovered. Messages are carried in the wind...seeds are transported, life is replanted. When we resist the winds, instead of enjoying it, we stay where we are...and when that gets old; we have built walls around us so high we can't be blown away by any of the amazing miracles of God.
Embrace the storm...when you are damaged, no matter how severely, thank God for the chance to rebuild and make changes. Ask God to help mold you into the person He wants you to be. And when it is all over, enjoy the rainbow, and emerge with a smile, purified heart, and a down to earth attitude.
Recognize that storms happen for a variety of reasons:
1.) We have lost focus on Him and stopped following directions... we are then redirected.
2.) Our hearts, minds, souls are unclean, infested with temptation or evil thoughts, and He cleanses (sometimes scrubs) our hatred, jealousy, contempt, etc. away.
3.) To make sure that we always appreciate the green things we have been blessed with. To make sure that we see the beauty in the things He has created.
4.) To serve as testaments to His strength...and His mercy...remember Who brought you through that storm.
5.)To allow you to heal...we carry wounded hearts, we nurse our pains and aches, but we don't heal properly. He puts His ointment on it, takes away scars..and leaves some as a testimony, as evidence of what He can bring you through.
So, on a personal note, as I look through the storms in my past: Hurricane Rape, Hurricane Cancer, Tropical Storm Haters, Earthquakes of Death, etc., I thank God. A gem more valuable than a pearl and stronger than a diamond is being created. The beautiful delicacy of a butterfly is emerging...and in time, her wings will spread and His wind will carry her closer to Him.

Groupies....

2007-08-30T23:47:00.000-05:00

I just finished reading this month's Essence magazine. I was intrigued by an article posted by Will Demps of the NY Giants. I was impressed by his willingness to expose a lifestyle in which many high profile individuals partake on a regular basis.

I've dated 'high-profile' men and found that women can be very trifling. I've sat at dinner while a woman came and asked my date to autograph her breast, right in front of me! I've seen how the women sneak up to the hotel rooms, how they find these men no matter where they go. They are sometimes so physically beautiful and damn near naked, and the men fall into the temptations of their flesh. Leaving us, the women at home, feeling inadequate and hurt.

Let me say, that I respect Will Demps so much more because he admitted to succumbing to his environmental pressures. But, more than that, he woke up from this lifestyle, at an early enough age, and decided that he'd rather find a serious relationship, instead of an empty set of women.

If I could write him a letter in response to his article, it would be one of encouragement; this is what I'd write:

Greetings Mr. Demps;

I know that you have received a million and four emails already in response to your article in Essence; please allow me to be one million and five. I am no groupie; I am not attempting to be or do anything except encourage you. (My favorite team is the Colts, anyway :) ) So, please, just hear me out.

You are a wonderfully handsome man; well spoken, intelligent, focused and driven. In this world, all of these attributes will get you far, but only so far. Too often, we succumb to the desires we think we have and sacrifice the blessing God wants us to have. I have done it as well- maybe not in the same ways you stated, but in equally damaging ways. But, I have been blessed with obstacles that have served to reshape the person that I am and my perspective on the world around me.

Without expounding too much on who I am, let me say that I almost completely understand where you are coming from in your article. I have had similar thoughts and I, too, want to be in a good healthy relationship with someone who respects me, trusts me, and loves me- and for whom I can willingly do the same. You are on the right track to finding her; she is out there…growing and developing to be ready for you She isn’t perfect either, but she will be perfect for you. You have to be open and willing to accept her and the responsibility that God gives you to love, cherish and honor her. She is growing right now into a person who can accept you and the similar responsibilities that God will give her for you. It is important for you to be with someone who will love you for you; not for your job, status, looks, etc. All this to say, be patient. Don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t assume that just because you’ve made mistakes in the past, that you don’t deserve the best. You do. If you are patient and faithful, there is no doubt in my mind that you will have that. We both will.

Stay focused on your game, on your personal growth and development, and most importantly, on God and what He wants you to do. Don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone and take small risks with your heart. This is the same advice I give myself every morning. :)

If you ever just need a person to talk to, to be your friend before anything, and to secretly root for your team (while screaming for the Colts in public), you got one. No strings or expectations attached. I am just a person who likes to encourage and help build up others. I am more than blessed; so sharing is my pleasure.

Sincerely,

Nicole

Trust

2007-08-01T23:08:00.000-05:00

Trust. Hmmm, that's a funny concept to me. Sit back and think about all of the people you trust. Think about how much faith you put in the important people in your life. Think about it.

So often, we put faith in our parents, in our friends, in our family, in ourselves. We know that if anything ever happened that these people we depend on would be there for us. We know that they always have our best interests at heart. We know they will be there to lift us when we fall. We know they will pray with us, over us, for us. We know....

But, in spite of all of these things that we know, we find out about something called disappointment. We find ourselves disappointed because these people whom we trusted, failed us. They hurt us. They became jealous. They became fearful. They were too tired to help out. They forgot us. They forgot what friends and family were for. They stop loving us.

Yet, we still trust in them. Time and time again. We still depend on them, despite concrete evidence of the danger and risk of such. Let me tell you the importance of the Promise.

God promised us, each of us, that He will protect us, guide us, love us, forever. He promised that things will work out for those who love Him. He loves us in spite our flaws. We can't hurt Him so badly that He turns His back on us. He forgives us before we forgive ourselves. And, He is never too tired to be there for us.

People are infallible, God isn't. People are selfish, God is benevolent and generous. People can be hateful, God IS LOVE UNCONDITIONAL. People are afraid of the unknown, God is omniscient and omnipresent. In the end, the message is this, put your cares in His hands. Depend on Him for help, guidance, and love. If you need love, know the God will provide it. In His love, you will find love from others. The right love, the right guidance, the right path. Without Him, you will have to lean on your friends, and who is holding them up? When they fall, so will you fall. When they break, so will you break. Don't hide under the twigs of small trees, hide in His tabernacle, behind a rock of stone...and sing His praises. :)

In this part of the journey....

2007-07-24T05:56:00.000-05:00

In this part of my journey, when the world is blossoming and pure, I decided to do the same for myself. My heart, full of resentment and anger, bitter from the past, needed to be cleansed and rehabilitated. My mind needed to be nourished with knowledge and perspective. My soul was weak and dying and needed resuscitation. My body was aching and throbbing under the load I was carrying. My life needed healing. I was not growing, so I was dying.

I found Life again. I'd turned my back on Him. I'd questioned His methods, His will, His power. But, when I knocked on His door, I learned that He'd never closed it. He never turned His back on me. He never stopped loving me. And, as soon as I looked to Him, He rejuvenated me. He fed my mind and my soul. He healed my body. And, I was reborn. I was recreated and I have grown ever since.

Know that He is always with you. When you can't feel Him, He's there. When You don't see Him, He's there. He's just testing your faith. Trust Him, get to know Him, and lean on Him for all of your needs; He'll never disappoint you.

Another stage

2007-07-16T06:21:00.000-05:00

So, in the last few months, I have been really trying to become a better person. I have tried diligently to go into my own mind and access the lessons I've already learned. It's not been easy.

But, I have learned alot of small lessons that have really shaped my world. I'll share some with you:

1. When you stop looking for it, it will appear. This goes for everything, from keys to love.
2. God never fails. And, with Him, you can't either.
3. Just because it doesn't work the way YOU wanted it to doesn't mean it didn't work out the way it was SUPPOSED to.
4. Every obstacle makes you appreciate the smoother terrain. Sometimes, we encounter dips in the road; other times, we find bumps. Still, we also find straight road blocks, closed roads. When you need a new route, consult your GPS (God's Prayer and Scripture).
5. Love yourself as much as God loves you. You can never find true love if you don't love yourself.
6. Leave your past in the past. It's heavy. Sure, take a souvenir so that you can remember the lessons, but leave the baggage behind.
7. Smile. When they piss you off, smile. When they hurt you, smile. It is a powerful statement.
8. Never let anyone steal your joy. By letting them get to you, you empower them. Empower yourself and walk away. It's not being a coward, it's being brave enough to not care what they think.
9. If you have haters, then you are doing something right. Even Jesus had haters, remember?
10. Never go against your personal beliefs, no matter the temptation, no matter the person you are trying to impress. In the end, the emptiness is much harder to overcome than the temptation ever could have been.

I Salute You

2007-05-28T10:12:00.000-05:00

Do fallen soldiers wear their uniforms in heaven? Do they get to keep their purple hearts? Do they walk through the pearly gates, shouting 'Hoo rah' to Jesus? For those who have fallen, I salute you. For my brothers and sisters who are still serving, still fighting, I salute you.

I may not agree with the politics that prompted and perpetuate this war, but I do respect you for serving your country and honoring a mission. I personally thank you for the many sacrifices that you have made to ensure my own way of life. I know firsthand, the freedoms that you give up so that I may experience them. The curfews you abide by, so that I don't have to; the oath of loyalty that you take, so that I may make use of the 1st amendment; the distance from your loved ones, so that I may be with mine. Each day that you serve, each act of sacrifice, is not unnoticed. It is what you do everyday that keeps us safe. It is the fact that you believe, at least in your job, that keeps the world a better place.

I pray for all of you. I pray for those who have fallen, that their hearts be pure and their souls of God. I pray for those serving, that they too follow Christ, but also that they find peace, safety, serenity, and wisdom in their time. Thank you for serving our country. Thank you for serving our world.

Cultural Differences: Only in Korea...*

2007-04-12T09:06:00.000-05:00

You know you are in Korea when...

1. ...SPAM is a delicacy.
2. ...you get a SPAM gift basket at a holiday, and are elated!
3. ... you paid $80 for that said SPAM basket.
4. ... your children go to school until 11pm.
5. ... a nice haircut resembles the Sonic the Hedgehog style.
6. ... mini skirts without hoisery is acceptable in 20 degree weather.
7. ... traffic backs up for miles because someone got pulled over.
8. ... the bus driver gets off the bus to fight another driver (on the highway!)
9. ... the passengers of the said bus begin placing bets on who is going to win!
10. ... there is a coffee shop on EVERY corner.
11. ... you have to stop at EVERY mirror (or reflective material) on your way home.
12. ...a promise of saltine crackers will get kids to do anything.
13. ... bus stops are created because an ajuma (old lady) tells the bus driver to stop so she
doesn't have to walk.
14. ... every store sells identical clothing.
15. ... none of the English makes any sense.
16. ... parents bring their children to English academy wearing shirts that says 'F#%$ it B!
^(#$!!' and is not aware of the meaning.
17. ... a size 8 (in American sizes) is considered plus size.
18. ... there is no shoe store that sells shoes over an American 8.5 for women.
19. ... the buses are like coach buses in America. (The seats RECLINE ya'll!)
20. ... McDonald's JUST started selling hotcakes.
21. ... Outback steakhouse is the top of the line restaurant.
22. ... a fully furnished apartment has no furniture.
23. ... a luxury apartment has no oven.
24. ...the mafia can manage your apartment building.
25. ...braided hair is called 'reggae' (pronounced 'leggae')
26. ...pornography has zero nudity (just the concept I suppose).
27. ...people laugh more with the porn than anything.... (awh, ney, ney, ney) I'm cracking up!
28. ...there is no difference between breakfast food and dinner food. (Kimchi, anyone?)
29. ...all of your garbage has to be put in pink bags...just to be mixed in with all of the rest.
30. ... immigration can just violently accost you without identifying themselves and accuse you
of being an 'Illegal african immigrant.' (and they don't expect you to punch the hell out of
them either!!)
31. ... police officers don't carry guns.
32. ... NO ONE has guns.
33. ...the homicide rate is more than 20 times lower than the suicide rate.
34. ...you can do all of your clothes shopping in the metro station.
35. ... 90 year old grannies can text message faster than you.

More to come soon.

* Please note: This is not meant to be culturally insensitive. It's only meant to highlight some of the differences that exist between the US and Korea. JUST LAUGH!!

Things I am learning everyday:

2007-04-02T09:51:00.000-05:00

1. God is amazing. I've always known it, but seeing it everyday is still awesome.
2. I am exactly who I am supposed to be. I have to be content with who I am.
3. Everything I do, everything I experience (good or bad) is a blessing and an opportunity to
grow.
4. People come into your life for a reason and a season. We don't get to determine either of those
things. So just learn to go with the flow.
5. There is no room in the world for cowards. You have to be able to stand up for what's right
and know when to back down (bite down, lol -Caleshia).
6. Peace doesn't come from a political resolution... there is only one Grantor of Peace.
7. Sometimes, smiling when you think you can't proves that you can.
8. We are all created for His purpose. Sometimes, the things we want aren't the things we need.
And somethings we will get when the time is right.
9. There is a beginning AND an end to EVERYTHING under the sun... we don't get to determine
them either.
10. Fear is no reason to quit. When the future is unknown, don't fear it... enter it in faith.

It's in the past;you can't change it now...Or can You?

2007-03-07T10:39:00.000-05:00

The Prime Minister of Japan has decided to change history. Today, he declared that the sexual enslavement of Korean and Chinese women did not happen. Amazing how history changes.

Here's the article:

The New York Times
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/03/06/world/asia/06japan.html?em&ex=1173330000&en=d13181bd37397406&ei=5087%0A

March 6, 2007

No Apology for Sex Slavery, Japan’s Prime Minister Says
By MARTIN FACKLERTOKYO, March 5 — Prime Minister Shinzo Abe said Monday that Japan would refuse to comply if the United States Congress demanded an apology for his nation’s use of foreign women as sexual slaves during World War II.Japan has already lobbied against a resolution, under consideration in the House of Representatives, that would call on Tokyo to take clearer responsibility for its enslavement of some 200,000 mostly Korean and Chinese women known euphemistically here as “comfort women.”

Japan has apologized before and issued a major report in 1993. But there are widespread concerns that Mr. Abe and other conservative Japanese lawmakers may try to water down or reverse such admissions of guilt as part of a broader push to revise their nation’s wartime history.Speaking in Parliament, Mr. Abe reiterated the position of conservative scholars here that Japanese officials and soldiers did not have a hand in forcing women into brothels, instead blaming any coercion on contractors used by Japan’s military.

Mr. Abe rejected testimony before a House committee by surviving victims, who said they had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers to serve in military brothels. He said “testimony to the effect that there had been a hunt for comfort women is a complete fabrication.”He also criticized the proposed House resolution, which blames Japanese authorities for the coercion, saying it “was not based in objective fact, and does not consider the Japanese government’s measures so far.”Political analysts said ignoring the House resolution, which is nonbinding, was not likely to drive a wedge between Tokyo and Washington, its most important ally.

The fear among Japanese diplomats is that Mr. Abe or other Japanese politicians will overreact and make claims that reinforce the perception in the United States and elsewhere that Japan remains unrepentant for its wartime aggression, analysts said.“It just looks bad for the prime minister to be getting involved in these sorts of historical details,” said Minoru Morita, a political analyst who runs an independent research institute in Tokyo. “Plus, his argument isn’t going to sway world opinion anyway. Even if the military wasn’t pointing guns at the women, they still could have been coerced.”Apparently in a nod to such concerns, Mr. Abe appeared to pull back from a comment last week denying that the women had been forced at all to work in brothels.

On Monday, he told Parliament he supported the 1993 government statement, which acknowledged that the military had at least an indirect role in forcing the women into sexual slavery.That government had also apologized to the women and set up a fund to pay them compensation, which is set to expire this month.“There probably was not anyone who followed that path because they wanted to follow it,” Mr. Abe said, speaking of the women’s entry into military brothels. “In the broad sense, there was coercion.”With that limited concession, Mr. Abe appeared to be trying to defuse a growing diplomatic row with Asian neighbors over last week’s denial, which outraged officials and women’s groups across the region.As opinion polls show his approval falling among Japanese voters, Mr. Abe can ill afford to be seen as provoking China and South Korea, much less undermining ties with the United States, political analysts and opposition lawmakers said.“If Japan doesn’t apologize and repent for its past violations of human rights, won’t it lose international trust?” a lawmaker from the opposition Democratic Party, Toshio Ogawa, asked Mr. Abe during Monday’s parliamentary debate.

Mr. Morita and others said that vowing to ignore the possible House resolution appeared to be an attempt by Mr. Abe to appease his conservative base even as he supported the 1993 statement.But Mr. Abe’s claims that Japan had no official role in its military brothels carried another potential public relations risk, they said: in making such denials, he was in effect dismissing as liars the aging women now coming forward with tearful testimony of their ordeals.One was Lee Yong-soo, 78, from South Korea, who testified in the House last month that she had been kidnapped by Japanese soldiers at age 16 and raped repeatedly at an army brothel.

In a news conference last week in Tokyo, she said Japanese soldiers had dragged her from her home, covering her mouth so she could not call to her mother.“I want Japan and the Japanese prime minister to apologize,” she said. “As a victim who was forcibly taken, as someone who lived through those events, I’m a living witness.”

History can be Changed...See?

Yes, this is a major issue here in Korea. Women are furious. Japan has a very unambiguous reputation of ‘revising’ their history. The books are modified to enhance Japan’s position by removing their own heinous crimes or elucidating and highlighting those of others. But, I must say this in response: The United States, who is seeking to ameliorate its current international political woes by bringing positive attention to their actions, is also guilty of the same heinous crimes. Moreover, they are guilty of altering and completely reconstructing history to improve their own images as well. They may not have called them ‘comfort women’ in our case… but most were called ‘colored women’… same difference.

The problem here is a matter of social education. In an effort to increase patriotism, reduce violent crimes, and maintain an entire country that adheres to basic religious tenets, both countries have had to conceal past actions (and some hide current actions) to provide an example for their inhabitants to follow. American History cannot be taught as it really occurred because, in doing this, students would learn that in order to become a superpower, or ‘the best,’ it is acceptable to lie, cheat, steal, kill (and let be massacred), covet our neighbors’ possessions (oil, diamonds, ahem!), disrespect your roots (take a quick look at immigration, or on the basis by which the US was founded to clarify this), and to put your country before God (we can’t pray in school, but we can ‘pledge allegiance to a flag’), and so forth. Japan, likewise, has a history of deception and boundless massacres. And, they too have achieved great things for their actions.

Now, suddenly, the world cares? No. The great powers on Earth are afraid of losing in the race for late penalties for their actions. It’s not until a country gains major status, that they cover the trail of how they got there. Japan’s prime minister is no exception. George W. Bush is no exception. Tony Blair is no exception. And all the while, women are finding their ‘comfort’ status all over the world. Who is fighting for them? Who even acknowledges them? Everyday, tears fall on another woman who has been forced to satisfy someone else…our own country’s leadership takes advantage of women; what is happening in other countries, especially developing countries?

The Battle for Peace of Mind

2007-02-09T00:04:00.000-05:00

We often describe vacilations between our hearts and our minds, but seldom do we really explore the incongruencies of our conscious and our subconscious selves. Within the same structure, the mind is often at war with itself-our daylight fights till dusk with our nights who then fight till dawn with day. Our dreams uncover many of the hidden mysteries of our subconscious. We see what we want to be or have, what we are afraid of the most, what we don't want to accept as part of our realities. When we have dreams, we declare them to be fantasies or unreal adaptations of the circumstances that are present in our conscious lives. As we awaken, we witness the battleground of the war of the minds...and frequently, as we struggle to remember the details of our dreams, we see our consciousness winning the war to supress the enemy.

Likewise, the struggle continues in the waking hours, when we feel that 'sixth sense' about something. The battle trudges along as we make decisions without thinking, take risks, and challenge th face value of the world around us. We say things like 'Deep down inside, I know..." or "I don't know why, but..." to introduce our subconscious. And when we go along with our gut feelings, our instincts, the victory goes to the subconscious.

And sometimes, you walk the line in a tie. And what does this have to do with anything?, you may be asking.

Several years ago, I was gang raped. I struggled on both levels to deal with the the pain and the physical and mental scars that were left afterwards. I focused my energies to physical recovery first, and intended to move on to the mental recovery. But, as life has it, I didn't really get the opportunity to really deal with things, as I was bombarded with more pressing issues, like fighting cancer, growing spiritually, and making a future for myself. Dealing with the past seemed unnecessary since I never thought I'd need to revisit it. I mean, why cry over spilled milk, right?

I graduated with honors from undergrad, suma cum laude from graduate school, and excelled in my chosen profession, teaching. I began to find unrelenting happiness. It was as if I were climbing a ladder, and the higher I climbed, the happier I felt. I have become so much more confident in myself, I've learned to love who I am, where I am from, and have grown so much spiritually. I decided to make my life what I wanted it to be. And this worked, at least while I was awake. I was often plagued with nightmares, but I was blessed with conscious amnesia. So, until last year, I ,essentially, was doing fine.

It is so easy to talk yourself into believing something to be true, even if it isn't completely accurate. The mind is strong, powerful, unbelievably deceptive at times, but simultaneously brutally honest. I'd convinced myself that I was over it. That I'd survived and moved on. I really believed it, too.

Then, in the market, I looked up to see one of my predators staring face to face with me. He was with his family. I froze. I couldn't move. I was so terrified. My dreams rushed to the front of my mind, the pain returned. I could almost smell him. I returned to that moment. Tears fell. I lost again. Defeat hurts.

I cried a little that night. Told myself to get over it, and seemingly moved on. Maybe it was my subconscious calling out, but shortly after, I moved to S. Korea. Coincidence? Probably not.
I took this opportunity to further my personal and spiritual growth. I did this for me. I have never been happier.

But one week ago, as I was waiting for the bus, I found myself again, staring straight into the face of another predator. This time, I didn't freeze so much. This time, he didn't completely recognize me. But my spirit was paralyzed. I wanted so much to just quit everything and leave. At the first signs of drama at home, I was getting ready to pack up and go home. Any excuse to get away. In an attempt to be honest with my boyfriend, I partially told him what was going on and how I felt. But, I almost gave in to the idea that I would not come to visit him, as he lives near to where I'd seen my past. I kept thinking, "DAMN IT!! I'm in SOUTH KOREA for God sakes!!!!!"

Here's where now, I just have to face the things my subconscious has been trying to resolve for years. So, I will make my declarations public, so that all the world knows how I can never be defeated like this again.
1. I was a victim of a horrible crime. I regret that my fear and compassion for others kept me from finding closure in reporting the crime to authorities.
2. I AM NO LONGER A VICTIM, I am now a VICTOR. I have excelled in all of my ventures, survived every blow life has dealt, and continue to THRIVE. I am unstoppable.
3. No weapon formed against me shall prosper: Not physical weapons, not mental weapons, not spiritual weapons. I am protected. I am saved and 'safe from all hurt, harm, danger, and evil.' (thanks mommy)
4. I am blessed with love, life, and happiness. These things cannot be destroyed. Love conquers all, life eternal is guaranteed, and happiness is guarded with everything I am. NO ONE will ever steal my joy again.
5. It is okay for me to remember my past. But I have to FORGIVE all the people who have ever tried to do harm to me. And from this moment, they are forgiven. From this moment, their actions have no control over me. I am free.

Now, a message to them:

To the twelve: I may have fallen once, but I got back up and that makes me stronger than you. You could not keep me down. So, in the end, I win. And please be advised, I am a child of God. You cannot hurt me anymore. The people in the world may never know what you did, but God knows. And, the penalty that you face is far worse than anything you could ever do to me. This war is over. You are hereby forced to surrender.

I win, game over.

Winter Finishline!

2007-02-01T09:25:00.001-05:00

Right now, as February is just starting, it is still difficult to imagine the blooms and colors that March and April will bring. Many of us are so boggled down by the various shades of grey that pervade our daily lives, that the ability to look into the rich beauty of the Spring eludes us. For most, it is too much to bring color into their lives today by borrowing it from tomorrow. We get so bogged down with the present moment we can’t even think about what’s happening this weekend, much less next month!
And, understandably so. This is where creativity, imagination, and positive thinking come into play. You see, we each have the propensity to endure long harsh winters because everyone of us possesses a unique visual capacity that resides behind our eyes. Our brain is capable of seeing what it wants to see and overlooking those things that it would prefer not to see. With this amazing feature, we are able to create our own color. All we have to do is alter the way we think about our vision.
For me, winter is a wonderful time of the year because I see images as a child would see a page of a coloring book. I can make the people in my life any color I want, I can add to what I see, black out those things I don’t need/want to see. But my advantage over the kid is far reaching: I don’t have to limit my imagination to the 8, 12, 24 or 96 colors in the box. I can mix and match in ways before impossible. And, with this vision, I can bring color into my life and spread a little color in the lives of others.
On a more physical note, I also engage in some winter survival activities to alleviate the inherent stress involved in snow storms, high cold, biting winds, ice, heavy coats, and shared grumpiness.
1. I add color to my own wardrobe. Many people fall into the pattern of wearing blacks, grays, dull browns, and dark blues exclusively. By bringing out the reds, yellows, and oranges, you share a sense of warmth. Blues, purples, and greens tend to bring out feelings of refreshing peace. You not only feel the affects within yourself, but against a backdrop of grays, whites, and blacks, you stand out and look beautiful in the process.
2. I wear makeup more often. In the winter, you can wear glittery stuff (eye shadows, lipsticks/glosses) more easily because of the representations of snow that glitter carries. It’s fun, it makes you feel good and you certainly look great. Wearing natural tones, and just enough makeup to highlight your features, let’s people see your natural beauty (our skin is usually much clearer in the winter than in the summer) and makes them focus on your jazzed up wardrobe.
3. I smile. I smile at EVERYONE, no matter how I feel when I leave in the morning. I smile anyway. I find that one thing in life that makes me smile and think about it all day. Smiling at others makes you feel better, and believe it or not, makes other people feel better. Many times, people will reflect what they experience…so smiling at someone might lead to someone smiling back!

Enjoy your February!

Nicole in Korea: January Edition!

2007-01-23T06:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings!

I hope this entry finds you all in great and wonderful spirits. I have been so busy lately, it’s been taking a bit of time to get back to some of the emails I’ve been receiving. I love to read them though, so keep ‘em coming!

Anyway, here’s my news update for the January Edition:

1. On Saturday night, we had an earthquake here. It was pretty exciting. I hadn’t realized they had earthquakes here in Korea. So, it was pretty unexpected! It wasn’t serious (4.4 on the Richter).
2. I am becoming a star…lol… I am in a commercial for my gym. I saw it last week for the first time…it was pretty fun. I am also going to be on television in a new commercial (for an Indian food restaurant) on the 31st!
3. I got a new digital camera so I will be taking more pictures... the ones I attached are just some from my weekend outings. J
4. I won a dance contest—not belly dancing, booty dancing. I must admit though that I had an unfair advantage over the other people…I have a butt (and hips). I annihilated them!!! I won $$ and free drinks… and since I don’t drink, I have a lot of new friends…lol…
5. I went skiing and didn’t break anything. I had a blast, mastered the 50 yard tumble…but nothing broke! It was great. I went snow tubing, snow boarding, and when we’d frozen beyond belief, we went for spa treatments! God, it’s nice to be able to have some 4 foot 2 man jump on your back and make your muscles relax!!
6. I have been working winter intensives so I have been at work from 8am until about 11pm. Lot’s of time at work…can’t wait for the check in a couple of weeks…whooo hooo!! Besides I LOVE my job!
7. I am still belly dancing and loving it. I will be headed to Japan in one month for another competition. I seem to be pretty good…maybe that was the key to my success…lol…
8. I posted some pretty silly New Year’s Celebration videos on my myspace page… you can check them out. I am just being silly (I promise no alcohol!) www.myspace.com/msdoriannicole (click on ‘view my videos’ under the profile picture)
9. My health is finally under control. I am in complete remission. I am not sure how, but that’s what the doctors have been telling me. God works in ways we haven’t even the capacity to understand.
10. I manage to feel at least 10% happier than I did the day before…it’s like: How happy can one person be? I smile so much my cheeks hurt at the end of the day!

Everything is just amazing. I can’t even list all of the wonderful things that are happening to me right now.

I can’t think of everything I am sure. All I do remember and thank God for everyday is this overwhelming peace of mind and real genuine happiness. When you get to a point in life where nothing and no one can steal your joy, you are really living. Everyday, my smile gets brighter and wider, my spirit soars higher, and my stomach aches because of the feast of laughter. I love life, and it seems to love me right back! I even wrote Oprah and told her about it. J

I have no idea when I am coming back... but you’ll know when I know. In the meantime… SMILE!! If you are up for sending care packages, I would like a couple of things from the states…just cuz:
1. Starburst (tropical fruit)
2. Vanilla Oreos (mmmm)
3. cheap walmart/target tshirts like to wear outside though…not undershirts.. (size M?)

That’s it I suppose. I have found almost everything else! See…what a wonderful world! I miss you guys… be good and send me updates about what’s happening in your lives. I want pictures!

Love Always,

Doriannicole

P.S. John, that little flannel and vest are getting their use!!! Whoo.. I am SOOOO glad to have them… it is so cold over here! Thanks again. :)

New Year's Resolutions 101

2007-01-11T22:10:00.000-05:00

At the start of every new year, people all over the world make resolutions to improve their lives in some way. They say they will lose the weight, they say they will eat healthier, they say they will go to church more, they say they will be more honest, they say they will do better work. They say a lot.

Here's why we quit before we get there:
1. People say what they are going to do but they never actually decide to do it. They make very superficial decisions...they don't claim the accomplishments they desire to achieve. For example, one may say "This year, I want to lose weight." But, while this is an admirable start, they haven't finished the process. You have to claim your goals. That statement should then be modified to say "By June, I will have lost 35 lbs." or "By March, I will fit into that pair of jeans." It's not enough to just want to do something. When you claim it, then all of your efforts go in that direction. Your mind begins to think of ways of accomplishing that goal, and ultimately, you achieve it.

2. People hold on to too much baggage to be able to accept anything else. So, they subconsciously make excuses. They say "I want to lose weight" and then follow that with "but I can't exercise because of my knee/back/etc." Instead, they should say, "I will lose weight, in spite of my bad knee" and maybe even follow it up with "and my knee/back/etc will feel better with the lighter load." We do the same things with other things, like relationships, for example.

3. Too often, we don't know WHY we want to do something. Keeping sight of your reasoning for doing something is a major motivating factor down the line when you feel yourself slipping. Why do you want to lose weight? Why do you want this relationship? Why do you want to become a millionaire? No matter what the goal, you have to have a trigger, a reason for doing it.

4. People don't really believe they will be able to achieve their goals. It is not enough to think that you might be able to pull it off. You have to know that you can do it. You have to visualize yourself already having achieved the goal.

With these simple steps, you will accomplish whatever you set out to accomplish, whether you start January 1 or July 6. Good thoughts!

Nicole in Korea 9

2006-12-24T00:43:00.000-05:00

Happy Holidays!!!

I know it has been about a month since I sent out my last edition but I have been super busy! I have been belly dancing so much I think I am beginning to do it in my sleep! Between the performances and salsa dancing on the weekends, and my lunatic personal trainer, I am getting pretty fit! I think my personal trainer is becoming obsessed! I am going to have to slide out of there soon before I disappear!

Work is great! I got a raise and a bonus! I have been recognized as an S-level teacher (which is the highest level) and everything is going pretty smoothly. I have been doing winter intensives, which means I teach three classes a day instead of two. It sounds like something simple, but it is really pretty intense (I suppose that’s why they are called ‘intensives’, huh?). As you all know, I am not good with staying completely put for long so I am looking into teaching for the Department of Defense Schools- which would allow me to teach AND travel as I please…and the benefits are GREAT! I am sure that working for the DOD School System will be a plus on my resume when I apply for the Secretary of Education position in 20 years….or I can work for DODS and retire altogether in 20….with full benefits!

My health is doing wonderfully…for the most part! I still need to figure out how to get some more iron and sugar into my blood stream but I am sure that will work itself out! I am even undergoing an allergy treatment to convince my body that caffeine is not a bad thing! I have been increasing tolerance and maybe by the end of March or April, I’ll be able to have a cup of green tea! or a Rum and Coke! (Lol…just kidding)

The weather is becoming easier to deal with. I am slowly figuring out how to stay warm! As usual though, I cannot keep my hands warm…I don’t think I get blood to my hands or something because they are always cold! And my feet too! Below is the view out of my window! We’ll see how it feels in January. I am investing in good warm gloves….
God I miss the tropical weather!

I find time to socialize and enjoy things. Everyday is great! I have had no bad days here! I think it’s just a different attitude about things that has transformed all of my days! I am very very happy. I cannot think of another time in my life that I have even come close to the level of happiness that I am experiencing here. I feel like I am working with a purpose. I am in love with life and that is just the best feeling ever!

I miss you all so much. I have decided that if I do stay over here in Korea for another year or more, then, I will return to the US for a month or so to see everyone…and to go shopping!!!! I need to shop in stores where a size 6 is not considered Large… a 10 is plus size!!

I have never felt more blessed than I do at this very moment! And I must say that each of you has contributed to this moment in one way or another… I love ya’ll!!

Just Put the Baggage Down

2006-12-06T05:05:00.000-05:00

Many times, I have thought about how each experience, each new encounter, each new person, each new thought adds color to my life. The richness of the lessons I learn, from the feelings I have the opportunity to personally define and recreate, have proven essential to the redecoration of my life.

When we date, in the years before marriage (or in those years between marriages), we enter into a path of successive approximation, whereby we gradually increase our standards and move closer to our goal incrementally. By dating and getting to know other people more intimately, we somehow find ourselves revealing our own idiosyncrasies to the world around us. We develop and demarcate specific standards that correspond to our personal needs, wants, and expectations for the future.

That scary moment comes when we decide that the dating stage is over. That moment when we determine that we have grown to a point from which we would like to share future growth with one other individual, is one of the most heart wrenching moments in our lives. That minute when we realize that building ourselves through families and partnerships is life changing. For once that moment has come, our actions and attitudes toward those who have not reached this point, change drastically, as do our attitudes toward dating in general.

Each of us looks back in reflection and says: Who have I become? Who do I want to become? And how can this person help me to get there? This is when relationships drastically end, become immobilized, or take sharp unexpected turns to get on the desired course. Unfortunately, those desires and expectations are not aligned with reality and the courses ends in a devastating collision between reality and make believe. And, then what?

I was desperately trying to avoid this collision. And in my avoidance, I may have chosen to avoid relationships altogether, constantly seeking flaws in my mate or myself that would prevent me from committing to such a catastrophe. I determined that I was not CAPABLE of a serious long term relationship, or marriage. I conceded to not being ‘wifey material.’ I used everything, my illness, my weight, my location, my past, everything, as excuses as to why I should just be alone. It almost immobilized me.

So, now, instead of trying to predetermine my own path, I have resigned to allow my footsteps to be lead by God’s will. And suddenly, I don’t feel so afraid. I know now, that I am being groomed and cultivated like a flower in a meadow, by every person I encounter, by every relationship I enter, by every path that crosses mine. While I am not looking for anything from anyone, I will not run from a serious relationship anymore…I am going to listen to my heart more and I know that as soon as God thinks I am ready, he’ll send someone…when I least expect it.

Recently, I have been blessed with encounters with many wonderful people. I have, as a result, begun to blossom as a person. I have begun to express myself, defend myself, and to be honest with others and myself, no matter the perceived consequences. The more I grow as a person, the less I need to lean on my baggage. I am also learning how to pack lightly--getting rid of the things I don't need to carry around, and learning how to just put the baggage down for a little while. I mean, who travels and carries their bags with them all day, everyday? This is my journey, I can leave the bags for a while.

Seasons Greetings!!

2006-11-22T05:50:00.000-05:00

The fire of summer’s sun permeates the leaves and creates fall. As the heat passes from one element to another, the weather we experience vacillates between cool and warm, hot and cold, sunny and wet. The brilliance of the sun is reflected in each leaf, as it turns to a beautiful jewel sharing its colors with gold, rubies, and amethysts.

And then, once the leaves can take no more of the summer’s warmth, they fall wearily to the ground, leaving the trees barren, colorless, and emaciated. Because the limbs won’t intercept the flakes, the snow drifts merrily and gracefully to the ground, covering all it encounters. The trees, barren and dull, permit the white splendor of winter to assume the spotlight. The beauty of winter is accessorized harmoniously with the bold and brilliant colors of the sky, the deep blues, the many hues of pink, orange, yellow that accompany the extraordinary sunrises and sunsets that only winter offers.

And then, when the white grows tired and restless, and the sky tired of carrying the burden of being bright and perfect, the greens and colorful flowers of spring return and carry the torch. The rain cleans the world of the impurities that may keep the green from returning. And the flowers, in every color imaginable, suddenly appear, peeking between the leaves, blooming, blossoming, and coming into their own.

As the season continues, the flowers of spring are replaced with those of the summer; even bolder, more courageous, and outspoken.

And when, they are too loud, the sun quiets them, calms them, and passes their energy to the leaves…and the cycle begins again.

In House Renovations

2006-11-20T09:25:00.000-05:00

Amazing. That's how I would describe the way I feel right now. It has been a long long time since I have been so at peace with my life. In fact, let me amend that statement: I have never been so at peace with my life. I have realized that peace exists on so many different levels, but to achieve real peace, you HAVE to start on the innermost level.

I found that I had to find peace within myself. I had to dig around and talk to that person that no one but me has ever met. That person that I conceal from even myself, at times. That person to whom I push all of my pain and frustration, that person who carries the heavy burdens and the hardships, the person who gives and sacrifices everything she has for the well being of everyone else and who never ever asks for anything in return. This is where I started.

When I got there, she was a wreck! Imagine walking into a room where nothing is in it's rightful place, where things have been broken or damaged from being stepped on and/or thrown around. There are so many bags in this room, it's difficult to even get through the door. It's hard to breathe, there is no air...walk too far in and you too will suffocate. No air and lots of tears makes the room warm and humid. Unbearable. This was my room. This is where I lived...better yet, this is where I almost died.

The humiliation of the room's condition prevented the invitation of guests. So no one ever knew what was behind that closed, locked, dreadful door. On the other side of the same wall, everything was pristine, immaculate, beautiful. This is what I showed the rest of the world. I could have sold the house on this part alone.

But eventually the mess of the room began to overflow into the rest of the house. The smell of my dying body permeated the air; the frame of the house began to swell because of the humidity. It even began to show on the outside. I let the grass on the lawn become overgrown. I stopped painting the shutters. And after the season of storms, it was really looking tattered.

My house was not in good condition. It affected everything. An infestation of mold, growing like cancer, was taking over my house. Pretty soon, everything in my life became part of my jungle. It was too difficult to deal with. I had no idea where to go and who to call. I was lost in my own house. Lost in my own person. I had no way out.

I'd spent so much time looking strong that eventually, I was too weak to support my own weight. To everyone who never rode down my block, I was a success. I have always been an excellent student, liked by most people, and full of energy. But everything was beginning to fade.
Finally, it happened. I ran out of tears. I decided, with some motivation from a cute little seven-year old girl, that I was going to get my life together. I went to school, focused on my classes but also on myself. I began to reflect on the many things that had caused me to fear life. I thought about reasons and explanations for the many failed relationships, the feigned happiness. I decided right then that I wanted real happiness. And I set out on this mission. I called it the PEACE CORE (I went into high intensity danger zones in search of peace.)

I started to deal with things I hadn't dealt with before. I began to search for alternative ways to view the events that had plagued my life. And most importantly, I began some serious spring spiritual cleaning. I just threw out things that didn't matter. And to be honest, I'd been harboring many inconsequential things. Getting rid of those things made it possible for me to get more indepth with the things that do matter the most.

It has been 15 months since this transformation began. I can honestly say, that while that room isn't quite as clean as I want it to be, it's well on its way. And, my grass is cut, the shutters are repaired...although there are somethings that can be done still....but, I am working on each thing one day at a time.

Thanks to this experience in Korea and to the unexpected miracles I have met, the last three months have been fantastic! I honestly believe that God puts people in your path, makes you trip over them even, so that they can help you up. I grabbed a helping hand and it has been amazing. I have smiled everyday, learned to love me inspite of my imperfections, and am realizing that I do have something to offer the world.

I have been able to voice my aspirations in ways I never thought possible. I am now working toward a goal, I have a mission...and, although it sounds a bit cliche, I have a dream. And with God's help, my own determination, and the support of people in my life, I will realize it! I promise.

Doriannicole in Korea 8

2006-11-07T22:05:00.000-05:00

Greetings to My Peeps Back in da Hood(s)!!

Ok...I am sorry. It has just been a while since I have had the opportunity to be ethnic!! Ok... I’m done now...

Anyway, I am just emailing with my new updates and happenings from the other side of the world!! I guess I’ll start with the most important information first!

I competed in a belly dance exhibition/competition sponsored by UNICEF on Sunday. There were 38 pairs competing for the top 5 slots. They were from all over Korea. I am proud to say, that I danced alone, half naked, on a stage in front of more than 1,000 people (mainly business men in black suits) for 3 minutes and 40 seconds. Our routine (my partner and me) consisted of a 3 min solo for her, 2.5 min duet, and my piece at the end. I am waiting for pictures as no one was permitted cameras, except members of the press and random hired photographers. I have some backstage pictures taken just before makeup that I have attached. (ignore the love handles... I’m working on them!) In the end, we came in 5th place! Which for me was a great achievement!!! I’d expected to be like 37, 38... so this was fabulous! (I am not going to mention how nervous I was before and during and how I bottled everything up and saved it for the massive vomiting session immediately following my performance! Not a pretty sight... maybe next time I won’t be so crazy...)
Over the weekend, winter showed up. I had previously thought that winter had already come...but nope! It proved to me yesterday that this may be the coldest winter I’ve ever lived through! Yesterday brought with it frozen rain, and then flurries... and wind...like Chicago wind....it was a cold I’d not seen in a long time. And this is just the beginning. It snowed a little last night, and today’s sunny high of 36 and tonight’s expected low of 21 is not exactly comforting. So, I am asking for anything you have to keep me warm... It doesn’t matter that I’ve made it down to a US 10/12 in clothing size; I’m still too big to shop here!!! I did find a coat though. I got it today!! I was nice and warm (almost) on the walk home from work....now I need some good gloves and some winter boots... I am looking online.
I am still loving my job. My students are great! Still funny, still witty, and still making me smile on a daily basis. I have a great schedule and am hoping for the same or similar schedule next term. We only have three more weeks until the end of the term! I can’t believe how quickly time is passing. I keep myself so busy that I don’t keep up with the calendar!! I feel like I wake up and say: Oh my, it’s already November! And I think, didn’t I just say this last week about October?
I got a webcam so you all can see me!! If you use skype to call me, we can do a video call and you can see me. It also works with msn and aol...I’m pumped up about it...so go back to the old email I sent and download skype!!
There was a strike in my building so no one cleaned for 3.5 weeks...trash was piling up everywhere... so you know I had to be ignorant and make a big complaint and demand that it be cleaned up....they cleaned our floor and the front of the building!! I was shocked!!! Nicole has some authoritaaayy!!! My Korean is getting better each day, I understand about 70% of what I hear the first time (an increase of about 70% since I got here!) and I can communicate pretty clearly and effectively (although I use very formal speech and my electronic translator, at times).

I have no more news, I am so busy these days that I forget what I wanted to tell you guys before I get a chance to write!!

I need some tastykake butterscotch krimpets and some PAM non stick spray (original or olive oil)!!! Send me letters or something, the only things I ever get in the mail are bills in Korean! (Although I got a nice birthday card and a mommy sent care package...by the way mom, I am out of vanilla oreos!) I miss you all a lot, sort of.

Love Always,

Doriannicole

Random...But I like stuff like this!! From an email...

2006-11-05T07:10:00.000-05:00

From a strictly Mathematical Viewpoint:

What Equals 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonderabout those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have allbeen in situations where someone wants you to give over 100%. How aboutachieving 101%? What equals 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z
Is represented as:1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 1 9 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then:H-A-R-D-W-O-R- K
8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%
and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E
11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%
But,A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E
1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%
AND, look how far the love of God will take you
L- O- V- E-O-F-G-O-D
12+15+22+5+15+6+7+15+4 = 101%

Therefore, one can conclude with mathematical certainty that:While Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, and Attitude will getyou there, it's the Love of God that will put you over the top!

Nicole in Korea 7

2006-10-10T21:23:00.000-05:00

Hellooooooooo Over There!!!!!!

First, I am writing to address the 110 million (ok, slight exaggerationJ) emails that I received about N. Korea. I am going about life here as normally as before without any interruptions. As it stands, we just stay abreast of the news and keep on trucking. No one seems overly worried and most agree that N. Korea has basically signed their own death certificate by challenging China, their closest and basically only ally. That said, tensions are minimal...there was more about the Yankee’s pitcher crashing his plane than nuclear threats. So, in the words of ...well somebody...’”I’m aiiiight!”

Second, things are absolutely wonderful here. I LOVE where I live more and more each day! I am learning so much in my Korean class. And, what makes it even better is the fact that I use everything I learn in class immediately. So, it sticks better. In my building, there is everything. I could exist without ever leaving... there are restaurants, bridal zones, a state of the art gym, my belly dancing classes, three convenience stores, and the list goes on... I haven’t explored the entire building. I’ll wait till it’s really cold, because u know I am not going to be running around Seoul in the snow...

Classes are excellent. It’s hard to believe we are already finishing week 7 of this term. I am celebrating the highest retention rate (got an award!) and the company’s CEO sat in on my class during his visit to the campus. He told me that I was an excellent teacher and that he thoroughly enjoyed his time in the class. I also have been enjoying similar comments from students and parents. It makes me feel good that I can do something so well...but I feel better knowing that I am going to get the maximum bonus at the end of the term (4 more weeks!!) J

My students are HILARIOUS!!! They are the most clever kids with whom I’ve ever worked. I can’t even think on that level sometimes. For instance, this week, I decided to make some rules for our second hour activity, the creation and performing of a dialogue in which the students get new vocabulary and a quick prompt. Each week, in every class, no matter the prompt...the end result is always either murder, calling the police for something, bribery, or something involving a bleeped swear. So, I banned all of the above from their dialogues. At first, they were upset and complaining (to which I flung my arm up-in complete hokey doke fashion- and started singing ‘Jimmy cracked corn and I don’t care’. They have a LOVE/HATE relationship with that song!! J ) but then, they got creative...damn kids. They still shot each other in a fit of anger but the other person didn’t die. They called the AMBULANCE...not the police... I even had students who referred their cases to the FBI instead of the police. In other words, they went all around my rules to achieve the same goal...violence. (I must admit, I was impressed and I laughed my head off during the performances!)

My social life is likewise busy. I went shopping the other day and bought myself a very Korean mini sweater-dress! I am still in shock. It is to be worn with my brand new boots that I had custom made for $100 dollars. (I’d pay almost that much for boots that hurt in the US!) Wait until I put all of that together...it’s going to be great....

I am always gone somewhere with somebody. No rest for the weary. So if you are trying to reach me but getting voicemail, DON”T GIVE UP! I check it and hear all messages. I just can’t always call you back due to time differences. When time goes back at the end of the month, we will still be 14 hours ahead of you. But overall, all is well. Life is good. No complaints from me!! I miss you all soooo much. I can’t wait to send you new pictures...just too busy for the camera lately... but I’ll get back on the ball. Attached is the most recent picture of me... Now, I have already been likened to chik-o stick candy, circus peanut candies, and orange sherbet popsicles. I will send a new one with more muted clothing next time.

Love you!!

Doriannicole

Nicole in Korea 6

2006-09-22T21:22:00.000-05:00

Helloooooooo over there!!!

My camera is officially broken! L I have to take it to a repair shop...(it might be a while guys...)

It’s okay though because I look like crap anyways. I messed around and had some soup last night. It was vegetable soup but the broth...it was BEEF broth. Needless to say, I have been vomiting all night. I now cannot even hold anything down. This morning, I damn near passed out trying to run, so I went to the hospital (conveniently located next to my apartment bldg.) and they told me that aside from food poisoning (associated with beef bacteria?), I was extremely dehydrated. They made me stay in the hospital with an IV attached to give me fluids. He tried to give me a medication that would keep me from vomiting...didn’t work. It came up too. After about 4.5 hours there, I ‘snuck out’ of the hospital. I told the nurse that I was going for a walk. And I did ( I just didn’t come back). Instead, I went to work, they sent me home. (I didn’t even get a choice L) My boss came home with me and made me some boiled water and salt crackers (don’t ask, I didn’t), sat here for about an hour until I fell asleep, and left a very nice get well note for me in the window.

On a much brighter note, life is good (as long as I stay AWAY from beef)! I am enjoying everything as much now (if not a bit more) than I did when I came here. It is hard to believe we are coming up on two months already!! It’s been a blast. I am in the best of all worlds now. My bosses think I am ‘an asset to this branch...in fact, you’re an asset to the entire company.’ I got that in a note from the BIG DAWG!! I corrected so many quizzes that I now make them.... EVEN MORE MONEY FOR ME.... It’s just an extra 650 dollars a month for 16 hours a month. So, I work a grand total of 136 hours a month and make more than I did stateside in 3 months. Not bad... I love it. The best part is that I absolutely love my students and all of their clever wit and kind spirits. They keep me on my toes and they keep me laughing...and I do the same for them.

We had a listening activity for one of my classes. It was an interview with a psychologist about shyness. During this SEVEN minute long track, he said that ‘shy people tend to have less intimate relationships, less sex, less fun...’ Well, wouldn’t you know it? My students picked up on that sentence QUICK. As soon as the track was finished my very bright elementary student Eric said: ’Nicole, you are not shy at all; you are very outgoing. So does that mean you have a lot of sex?’ I looked at him, trying desperately to mask my horror, and was about to tell him that asking about people’s sex life is rude in America, when I was saved. Lauren, another student, jumped in and said “Duh Eric, you’re so stupid. Nicole is not even married!” to which all of the students in the class chimed in : ‘Yeah Eric, that was a dumb question!’
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHA!!!! Thank God for small miracles...so smart yet so innocent!! I just moved on to the next topic.

I’ve met some very interesting people. I went to church last Sunday. It was a very unique experience. I enjoyed it, I think. I am not sure I agree with everything said in the service but it may have been something lost in translation. I got up to leave after service and was swarmed by the church’s worker bees.... ‘Where are you going? Aren’t you staying for fellowship?” So after church, I spent another hour socializing with the church people. It was fun but not like church at home. I have also been making friends in random places... in the bank, in the metro, on the bus, in the market, etc. So, by last weekend, my phone was ringing off the hook...I couldn’t even rest because everyone was calling to go out/hang out. This weekend is already off to the same start. But, because I don’t feel well, I think I am going to stay in for a couple days and recuperate.

I miss you guys (not enough to come back J). I can’t wait to hear from you. You can send care packages at any time (Just remember, I am allergic to chocolate, caffeine and I don’t like coconut). Anything else is game though!! J

Love Always,

Doriannicole

P.S. P.S. P.S. P.S.
1. Mommy, please send my sweaters before I freeze over here!!! Thank you.
2. Anyone in the DC, VA, MD area (can you send me some Tastykake butterscotch crumpets?)
3. Altoids cinnamon gum would be FABULOUS right about now!

Nicole in Korea 5

2006-09-10T21:19:00.000-05:00

Greetings Everyone!!

I know that it has been almost three weeks since I sent the last installment of ‘Doriannicole in Korea,’ but I have been extremely busy. First, I finally moved into my apartment! Yayee!! It was somewhat dramatic because I spent so much time in the hotel. I was dying to get out of there. While it was a nice hotel, certain things just erked every nerve I had. For one, the housekeeping went through my belongings on a daily basis. At one point, I came in and there were 5 housekeeping staff members in my room!!! Nothing was ever taken, as that would be ‘of the highest disgrace,’ but the nosey wenches just unfolded and wrinkled all my clothes, mixed them all up... and ya’ll know how I am about my stuff...I have particular orders for things! But anyway, I am out and in my apartment.

I was told that my apartment would be fully furnished. I am sad to say, that is not by Western standards. Fully furnished here means, washer/dryer, gas range, heat/ac, refrigerator, etc. So, when they handed me the book of ‘furniture’ I was picking out stoves (none with ovens) and refrigerators. J HAHA!! I was a bit taken aback but it’s okay. Definitely a WTF moment though! I designed the living room and it won’t cost much to make this place just perfect. The apartment itself is PERFECT!! I love it! I decided to have a roommate because I just didn’t want to get lonely when Korea started to get on my nerves. I met her in the states and we just happened to be here at the same time. It’ll be awesome. With our work schedules, we don’t see much of each other, though. This may be a good thing, never know. J The apartment is spacious (2 bedroom, 1 bath) with living room and kitchen! The floors are hardwood, there’s lots of cabinet space, and my closet is fit just for me. Lots of compartments and places for me to do what I love to do most, ORGANIZE!! We are on the 5th floor so we have a pretty nice view. I chose the apartment that was most comfortable on the inside rather than that which had the better view. This one shows some of the mountains, but not as much. It’s okay though because I am less than a block from the river, the park, the beautiful views, etc. And I work with an awesome view from my classroom! So, I’ll be okay!

Work is good. It can be a bit challenging because the students are SOOOO DAMN SMART!!! Damn those ASIANS for sending their kids to school for 100 hours a day! HAHA! You always have to be on point, because they will correct ANY mistakes you may make. Luckily, I teach listening, which is GREAT for me. It’s like stand up comedy. It’s fun, the students enjoy it, and they are learning all kinds of new words, phrases, and proverbs. I have used colloquialisms and slang during class, and the sponges that I teach spit them back out correctly almost immediately. I always say, ‘You get one....and you don’t know how to act.’ So one day, I said to a student; ’You get one little A and you don’t know how to act’. Later, in their creative dialogue (where they create a dialogue) he tells the other character, ‘You have one little fly in your soup, and now you don’t know how to act!’ I almost fell on the floor!! I was rolling! This happens almost everyday, and the kids spend most of their night just laughing and me laughing at them. Somehow, we do finish all of our assignments!

On the fun note, I went out this weekend to a bar/club event, and won a ‘dance off.’ I must say, inhibitions aside, I can shake my bum pretty well... (at least by Korean standards!). I met a guy who teaches hip hop dance here. It was awesome. I really had a great time. I am starting my Korean classes this week and I am going to take belly dancing classes starting in two weeks. (I just think it will be lots of fun and good exercise!) Somehow, I have broken my camera... so no new pictures for you yet. I have some, but I have to find another way to get them on the computer. And, I have changed my hair once again! No more braids. Pictures of everything will be coming soon to an email account near you. BTW, fall came over the weekend. It is officially chilly outside.

More customs for you all to learn:
Never enter a home without taking off your shoes. This means that you must wear easy on/off shoes and have clean, non holey socks! J
Women cannot laugh/show emotion in front of someone of higher status without covering their mouths/faces. So my female students laugh by tucking their heads, covering their mouths, and laughing quietly (although sometimes, not so quietly).
Always bring a gift when you are invited to someone’s home...anything will do (I brought some fruit from the corner fruit stand when I visited my coworker’s parents)
Almost all Koreans have cell phones (I do too!). For this, if you don’t have one, your status drops immediately. I just used the ‘I’m new’ excuse. But I had to get one soon.
To set up an appointment doesn’t mean it is going to happen at that time. In the US, if I say, meet me at the café tomorrow at 10am, and you say ‘ok’, it’s done. Here, I must call you at 9:30 am to confirm. And if I am late, no worries. No one get’s mad. When making such appointments, people always say ‘around 10am’ so 10:15 is fine. J Great for some people I know back home!
Finally, going to the Market is fun as hell. Everyone gets these little green toothpicks. And you hold on to your toothpick for the duration of your shopping experience. There are always tons of free samples. You can be ignorant about the samples. People don’t just take one; they stack the food on the stick as much as they can. They will also kill for a sample. They are jumping over each other trying to get the stuff first! They are yelling, and the employees are yelling... they don’t even wait for the stuff to be ready to sample! Funny, funny, funny! I fall right in line!!!

Also, there are some things here that blow my mind everyday. It seems that each day, I find some other smart, ingenious new gadget or something that just amazes me.
Parking space is limited, so they have these conveyor belt things that go around like a ferris wheel. Each person is assigned a number. You press the button (found on a remote in your car) and your space comes around to you. To retrieve your car, you press the button on the inside of your building.
There are people who are specially trained to do nothing but direct traffic. They stand at parking lot entrances, busy intersections and direct each car. Some of them are dressed in pink or white skirts/suits with hats and they stand in a randomly placed airconditioned booth. (Koreans don’t like to sweat).
We don’t use a key to enter into our apartment. We have a code. We simply punch it in and we enter.
Since you take off shoes at the door, there is a shoe closet at the entrance. All of my shoes, AND all of my roommates shoes fit in there with room to spare! It rotates too!
Moving into a high rise? Don’t worry. They can get your stuff into your apartment with Extender conveyor belts. Pretty much just lifts your stuff to your living room through the window!
ANYTHING can be delivered for $5. Most things come with free delivery.
I can pay any bill with my cell phone. Just punch in a code and it’s paid. My cell is directly connected to my bank account. I use it also to ride the metro. If it is lost, I’m still okay because you need a code to use it.
Krispy Kreme Donuts (very popular here) gives FREE donuts to everyone who waits in line! Fresh off the line! Most people (like me) wait in line, and then leave and never order anything. J I’ve become very Korean already.
Elevators- if you press the wrong floor, it’s fine. Just press the button again to clear it. No more stopping unnecessarily on floors by accident. But, be careful, the doors on the elevator close and they do not care if you are not all the way in!! I’ve been squished like 10 times now! I now know how to hold the button!

That’s it for now, kiddies! I will write again with a list of stuff to send me... J BTW, if ever you want to send letters, packages, other goods, etc. my address is on the bottom of this email... ‘Gyeonggi-Do...862.’ My home telephone is there.

I’m off to bed!!! Be ready to send stuff!!!

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4

2006-08-23T10:09:00.000-05:00

Pictures can be found in album (Doriannicole in Korea, vol 4)- Numbers correspond to numbers in Album!

NOTE: This week, I have to begin by apologizing for my Whitney-Houston’s-a-crack-head comment last week. I have been informed that Bobby left and she is ‘no longer in the drug thing.’ My source even submitted photos to corroborate this story. So, Sam, Whitney Houston WAS a crack head and she is permanently brain damaged because of it (whitney)...Now, on to me and my life in Korea!

DORIANNICOLE. That’s what everything says. I have no last name here. I am like Madonna. Just Doriannicole. My bank account is opened under DORIANNICOLE. My driver’s license says DORIANNICOLE M. My Alien Registration Card says DORIANNICOLE. Haynes just isn’t an option. So, great. One less thing for me to worry about. I even sign receipts and the forms for work DORIANNICOLE too... I do everything with the one name. J

My birthday celebration has been quite grand. I began the celebration at work on Friday, lunch with the coworkers ( Friday 1 ) Then, on Friday night, after work (around 11:00pm, I changed my shirt and headed out (Friday 3). Of course, I did not return home until 8:30am Saturday morning(Friday 39, 40 ). I was exhausted, couldn't even keep my hair in a pony tail! (Friday 38). We celebrated merrily at a variety of dance clubs. I must say, I love the Koreans! They think I can dance! It still amazes me! I met some cool expatriates and met up with some that I'd met previously. We danced, acted silly (Friday 14), danced some more, and had a great time. I DID have to get a little ignorant with one of the Korean guys( I think he stalked me the whole night) who thought I was 'easy.' (Friday 10)His English was poor, so he said what he thought pretty damn bluntly. I said what I thought, equally as bluntly, smiled and moved on to have a wonderful time. (Friday 14: I hadn't noticed yet, Friday 18:What in the hell??, Friday 23: You'd better back up!, Friday 24: Now, back to dancing!)- Thanks Aaron for snapping pictures and catching this!

Saturday, I slept till 1pm, went to Itaewon, and found a wonderful birthday gift! BLACK PEOPLE!!! A WHOLE BAR FULL OF THEM, playing spades and shooting pool, no less! (Saturday 42, 43) Now, for some of my non-colored amigos, I must say...in a place like Korea, nothing is more comforting than finding that many black people....you know why? Because, like in America, the Asians know how to keep us happy! I found collard greens, cornbread (one of my favorite foods, thanks Daddy for the nickname), FRIED CHICKEN (yes, i'm sure it was chicken), macaroni and cheese (different cheese but same idea), and a whole lot of stuff I don't eat. It was here that I learned that 'ethnic foods' usually have same names but with uh after each word...i.e (icecream = ice-uh cr-uh-eam-uh)...No, I'm not just being ignorant, it's true! Tell'em Mike! I also met a girl there who is from NC, has same birthday, same blood type, and lots of other random things in common...my twin (Saturday 41)

I also found a nice new supermarket! It has many of the things I love from home. Not everything, but hey, it's a start. American food is EXPENSIVE... like $7 for some salad dressing! And I'm not talking my Kraft Light Done Right! dressing. But I digress! I met up with some local G.I's and negotiated some base exchanges. They understand my pain and are willing to help me out with a few things...gotta love being brown!! Can you say HOOK UP! Again, there are some things I can't get but I'm getting there!

Saturday night, I enjoyed a night of Salsa dancing.(Saturday 2- Salsa Club) I had a blast! I can Salsa a little but this one Korean girl, a coworker of mine (actually sort of a boss) took us out. And she can DANCE!! WHOA!! I mean, she was flipping and twirling, and the attitude...she stands no more than 4'11'' but could outdance any latina! I was/am impressed. (Saturday 11, 16)I have attached photos but still images don't catch the essence of the dance. She is the girl in the red skirt! I was great during the random Soul train line (Saturday 27) The Salsa group was finally ready to leave (Saturday 31) When we left there, we went to eat breakfast (yes it was like 7am). I got home at 8:30 and slept till about 2pm.

On Sunday, I went to the bookstore. I have Korean books but they are not well written. I am as confused after I read as I was before I started. I needed to find something to help me learn some words. So, I went back to my wonderful educational resources and decided I was going to use picture cards! Thanks, Dr. van Olphen! So, I went to the children's section of the bookstore and bought 'readers'. Readers are flashcards, pictures on one side, korean words on the otherside. I have been using them everyday. What's great is that in a city of 24 million people, I have an unlimited supply of teachers. If I am on the train, trying to write something out in Korean, or pronouncing the words, or otherwise practicing, they will not hesitate to come and correct any mistakes I may make. Many older women, rub my back (which is sort of annoying) and smile. They tap my arm, as if to encourage me... no personal space here. But it's okay. I am getting used to it.

Monday, I ran errands and went to work (Monday 1-Ready for work). Such has been my life for the last couple of days. Today, my day off, was spent, where? AT WORK! This is going to be a NICE paycheck! :) After work though, I got all dressed up to go to one of Korea's nicest restaurants, Outback Steakhouse.(Monday 3) Yes, I'm serious. I'm still living in a hotel because have been working at a branch different from mine. It is in the far north of Seoul and I will be in the far south. So, to save a miserable commute, they have me centrally located. I am getting tired of not having a kitchen, but it's free to me, room/maid service- they like to dress my bear (Monday, 6), and an unlimited supply of Ramen noodles! I don't eat the ramen unless I am in an emergency. I am stocking them up to have in the event of a natural disaster... For fun, I also empty the random condom tray (I've not seen smaller condoms- it must be true! ) I'm sure the maids think I am a freak but it's fun nevertheless.

That's it for me. Thank you all for the birthday wishes! I enjoyed all of the e-cards! Oh yeah! I drove today! Not far, like 8km but it was very scary... that's probably the last time for me!

Have a great day!(or, as my mom would say, fake it!)

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea, Vol 3

2006-08-16T09:52:00.000-05:00

I almost cannot believe the week is already half way over. I have been so busy this week; I haven’t had much time to take pictures. I’ll work on that for next time! Basically, this week has just been working. I had a couple of really long days and then normal ones. I teach from 4pm -10pm. The students come to me after school. So, they are in school from 9am till 10pm (poor things)! Korean children have no life until college, where ironically, they can relax a bit.

I have been teaching all grade levels this week, as I am covering someone else’s schedule until the fall term starts on the 28th. In the meantime, I will be staying in the hotel because the campus where I am helping out is closer to the hotel than where I will be living. I will be living in Bundang, a semi suburb of Seoul (like New Tampa to Tampa, or Arlington/Alexandria to DC, Cary to Raleigh, etc.) Seoul is the largest city I have ever seen! It looks like downtown from one side to the next. Every building is a high rise! But where I will be has the pretty plush parks, the beautiful scenery, the river, plenty of outdoor activities, and a beautiful lake!! In the winter, people ice skate on the lake!

I am loving the classroom. It’s not difficult, per se, but it is challenging to get all of the material covered in the time allotted. I ran behind 5 min the first day, which may not seem like much but when one class ends at 7pm and the next starts at 7pm, it is imperative that you finish and begin on time. I got it down by the second day. The students seem to like me a lot. They laugh and enjoy class which for them is a treat! They call me ‘teacher’ and I now refer to myself as such. ‘Teacher loves it when you do that!” It’s kind of odd. I mix it with first person, too, but it separates me from my job. You see, in Korea, teachers are held in high regards, so saying ‘I love it...’ would be just some brown woman saying she likes it. So what? But when ‘Teacher loves it...’ it is really something special!

This past weekend, I went to a district of Seoul (the name eludes me right now), where there are lots of universities. Many expats (expatriates) go there and have a blast with the university students. Here, the university students are a bit older than those in the States, ranging from 23-35. At 23, many are just starting their university careers. Anyway, we had a BLAST. I got home around 7:30-8:00 am!! We did some of everything. Koreans know how to have a good time! Wholesome fun! We went to a bar, mingled for a while (took advantage of the fact that men here (both Korean and non-Korean) LOVE my brown skin!!). Then we danced at a club across the street. I got my workout on! And it is true, they think I can dance!! HAHAHA! Anyone who knows me knows that I have rhythm issues! They are worse so I look WONDERFUL! Later, we went to a 24 hour spa to drop off the alcoholics (some of the people in our group) who couldn’t hang anymore. You pay 7,000 won (about $7) and they have a place to sleep, shower, sauna, hot tub, etc. We went back out and did some karaoke. Yes, I did get up on that stage and sing! I sang Whitney Houston “Queen of the Night,” (you know, from her pre-crack days J ) By that time, it was like 4:30am. We waited for the train to start running at 5:30am (mind you, we were lying outside on patches of grass...people were knocked out everywhere waiting on the train! AND no one bothered anyone! ) Took the train back to Chungdahm (where I am staying) and went to breakfast. It was a wonderful night!!! Can’t wait till this weekend! I met lots of people who are going to help me celebrate my birthday! Whooo hooo!!! PARTAY!

On a more mature note, I went to the immigration office (found it myself!), applied for my Alien Registration Card/Korean ID, and took the driving test to get a license. I did it because it was free. I passed the driving part but I failed the eye exam. Vision has to be damn near perfect and my contact prescription is old. So, I went down the street to the optometrist, got an eye exam (free with purchase of glasses/contacts), bought a $20 pair of glasses (only took 20 min to get!), and went back and passed the test!!! I have to wait one week for the license so they can put it with my ARC number. I don’t plan to drive here, though. They drive like maniacs... NYC drivers/ LA drivers have NOTHING on these drivers! I am sending pictures of me in my new glasses!

For those of you in Baltimore who know what I am talking about... Remember we called the lady at the ‘Chinese corner store’ A-Jee-Ma? Well she was Korean! And that means ‘Korean lady I don’t know well’ HAHA! I have been speaking Korean for years!! Let me find out! Anyway, I am still studying my Korean. I am glad to report that I have more than 48 million Korean teachers! Everyone here helps if they see you trying. When I have my Korean book and I am doing the exercises, they randomly come, look over my shoulder, and help me/make corrections/comment on my script. But they are always encouraging. I am really happy here.

I do, however, miss you all sooo much. I just wish you could all come here and experience this with me. This is definitely a place to visit. Forget plans to Paris. Come to Seoul! I love it. I can’t believe how great it is, more modern than the US by far. If ever you want to visit, come on!

Until next time,

Doriannicole

Doriannicole in Korea vol. 2

2006-08-10T17:58:00.000-05:00

I have been writing this post over the course of the last couple of days. When it gets long, then I send it to you all. Anyway, I am doing wonderfully! I love it here! I am finding food much easier and liking almost everything they put in front of me. I have learned like five ways to say no meat, and it’s working! (Sort of!) I had no idea that ramen noodles (like we eat at home) are really what people eat here. Every type of noodle, rice, or dumpling is here! I’ve had purple rice, yellow rice, brown rice, red rice, white rice, orange rice, jasmine rice, etc. Noodles follow same thing... I’ve eaten at least 4 different types of noodles. I have come to like pickled radishes (which I otherwise would NEVER have touched), quail eggs (tastes like regular eggs, just smaller), octopus (although very chewy), and lots of seaweed. I feel like the little mermaid with all this seaweed! Everything is either spicy or bland... so I am choosing spicy. There are no salt and pepper shakers on the tables and no ketchup in most places...you have to just eat food as it comes to you. Also, you can go in the market and get a full meal by trying all the samples!!! You know my cheap butt has made that a habit. (It’s...uhh...also a good way to..uhh..try Korean food?)

I have learned that there are some major offenses. One such offense is walking in someone’s house/living space with your shoes on. MAJOR NO NO! I noticed this when the hotel concierge brought my bags to my room, took his shoes off, and then went inside with a bag, came back out, put his shoes on, got the second bag, and took them off again to enter into the room. He tried to explain to me but I didn’t understand. I later left my shoes in the room by my bed when i left for work. When I returned, the housekeeping staff had taken my shoes out of the room and put them in the foyer of my room. I did it myself today and I got a smiley face note! I am learning! Another offense is not bowing when bowed to. I just copy other people so I’ve been okay. But people find it rude and disrespectful if you don’t return the bow and may not clean your room, provide breakfast, etc. J Another thing is doing anything that may ruin someone’s ‘kibun’- there is no English equivalent but it basically means their disposition. You should always try to be positive and help others maintain face. Koreans are really superficial and appearances mean everything. So, in a restaurant, the owner/cooks watch you. If you say you don’t like something out right, it injures their kibun. So instead you say: Wow, the juice is excellent! So is the kimchi. I had so much that I can’t eat the pudkim.’ They know you don’t like it, but they imagine that no one else knows. Funny to me.

If you are trying here, people will be so nice to you. They help you with directions (although if they don’t know they will make something up to save face). At one restaurant, the owner brought us a sample of everything on the menu (made without meat) so that we can learn what things are. We ate so much, we practically rolled home!

The only negative so far is the weather- it is hotter than the inner thighs of a fat chick in the sahara wearing leather pants! You walk outside and you are wet with sweat. I go jogging at 6:30am and it is already 88-90 degrees outside. The mid day highs have been hovering around 110-115. And my retarded butt has been walking everywhere. Water is free, tastes good, and is available everywhere. We have been taking advantage of that. It’s my goal in life to find a positive in every ‘negative’ so here it is: the more you deal with weather, the more calories you can burn! Ahhaaa!!

Korea: First Impressions

2006-08-05T21:46:00.000-05:00

It is amazing to me that one can travel for a few hours and end up in almost a whole new world. I mean, in the US, there are places one can go and seem to escape American culture, linguistically and commercially. Take Little Havana (aka Miami), parts of LA, Chinatown in the major metro cities, Little Italy, and San Francisico's Little Seoul. But this trip is much more intense than any of those.

No one knows what I am saying, who I am, where I come from, or what to say to me. This is okay for now. I will be learning Korean over the next year. Yet, despite the Confucian-influenced culture, the homogeneous communities, and the language barriers, there is so much of America here. There is Wal-Mart, Costco, Kinko's, Asics Shoes, TGI Friday's, Burger King, McDonald's, Sbarro's Pizza, Outback, and more. (For the record, I won't be partaking in many meals at these fine establishments. I am sticking to the rice and vegetables... the food at McDonald's isn't exactly appealing to my eyes. Fried tofu instead of French fries?? C'mon!)

But around these American things is a strong sense of patriotism shared by the Koreans. They are proud of their country, and work very hard to maintain their communities and their traditions. So far, people have been very helpful and inquisitive. They have asked me a thousand questions (for which I had no answer since I didn't understand the question.) Many people insist that if they keep speaking Korean to you, then you will suddenly understand them. Case in point, on the plane, I listened to someone for three hours. I can tell you four things he said in the whole conversation. But, he kept on talking.

Today, in the Coex Mall, a large underground mall near to the campus, there were many people strolling along shopping. I tried to fit in, but clearly stood out like a sore thumb. People were grabbing my hand and pulling me into places to show me stuff (like maps of where they are from, pictures of people-that maybe i should know-, where to find books to learn Korean.) My hair, which is braided now, is also a major source of interest. They want to touch it, pull it, etc. I was surprised since the hair came from over here!! (HAHA). My hips and butt are also very much on the radar here. Random people (all have been women to this point) have come and touched my butt or my hips softly, saying something in Korean to whomever they were with. It may or may not be positive. It didn't seem to matter what I thought anyway.

Now, I think it is nap time. I have been up since early this morning and I want to get rested and settled before work tomorrow. I have to be there at 10am, which is apparently early here. After this week, I will be teaching in the evenings, from 4pm to 10pm, which is supposedly the normal schedule for secondary schools here. Go figure.

Anyway, I will be using the blog as a sort of journal while I am here. I will add pictures and miscellaneous videos as I can. Keep checking back.

Dating....It might have a point....

2006-06-28T20:38:00.000-05:00

This is a random thought, but they often come to me that way. I figured I may as well jot this down before I lose it!

Ever wondered how you know when you are with 'the one?' Ever look at the dating game and just wanted to cry? Ever hated meeting new possibilities that lack just that: possibility? Oh boy, I know I have!

I often wondered why people went out and dated. Looking back, I often think: "How did that happen?" or "Why did I even GO there?" I decided that dating allows people to discover themselves and to reestablish standards. At least looking in my relationship history, all of the men I have seriously dated have been an improvement on the one that preceded him.

I learn what is important to me and what things I really don't care about. I rediscover boundaries on both a personal and a social level. And while I don't do the whole list thing, I feel like I learn more about what I am looking for in a partner. I think, or at least I hope, that the end result would be that I find someone who embodies all of the built up characteristics plus a little something of his own. I believe there will come a point when I don't think there is any more a girl could ask for...that's when you know.

What makes this union work is when he knows too. What makes it last is the phenomenon that neither person lose their faith in that knowledge that this is the one, while the other person has lost theirs. Essentially, as long as two people don't fall out of love with each other at the same time, there is hope for their relationship...It just might work...as long as you both know.

Whirlwind...Is that really the date?

2006-06-24T22:33:00.000-05:00

It is amazing how quickly time seems to fly when you have a deadline. It is already nearing the end of June and I am on my way to Korea in just about a month. I am feeling a bit nervous about being able to finish everything before I go, but I am calm and comfortable about my decision to go.

There were several issues that arose during my decision making time that pushed me toward a decision not to go. But while I rested my mind and really gave thought to each concern, I was able to break down the pros and cons of each. They were overriden by the possibilities and benefits of going to Korea.

I don't speak Korean and I really don't have much experience with TESOL classroom instruction. But I know I'll get it done. I mean, I won't say this project will be easy. I know this will undoubtedly be a major challenge for me. But I am ready. So bring it on.

Crying behind a smile...

2006-05-27T02:48:00.000-05:00

Exhaustion. Pure exhaustion.

Not just physical exhaustion, but mental and emotional exhaustion magnified by frustration and pain. Pain and frustration.

Two weeks ago, I noticed it for the first time in my life. Since then, I have really been assessing my life and trying to make sense of it all. In some respects, it makes sense. Circumstances of life can wear one down over time. And life has not exactly ever been easy for me. Heartache, rape, heartache, cancer, heartache, struggle, heartache, death. Not easy. But, I have always believed that what doesn't kill you can only serve to make you stronger, smarter.

In my life, I cannot think of a time when I stopped to really think about my life. When obstacles appear, I look harder into the future, jump over them, and never look back. I've grown to be someone I am not even sure I know. I am a survivor, this much I know. But, my surviving is undermined by indirection. My indirection is propelled by my inability to acknowledge, accept, and learn from my past.

I have not stopped in more than seven years. Never stopped moving, jumping, and looking forward. I am not sure if it is that I never really had a chance to, or if I didn't really want to. But my past hasn't stopped moving with me, either. I feel much like a packrat, always accumulating more stuff, packing it away, and moving it wherever I go, never unpacking the boxes, but not getting rid of unused items.

I know exactly what my boxes hold. I've peeped inside on occassion. Then I closed the box, put it on the top shelf and walked away, trying to forget. I have worked to become the person I wanted to be, trying to disown my past. I have closed doors so that no one else sees the mess. I can't do it anymore. As I stand in the midst of the mess, I feel claustrophobic, airless. I'm in a big world, but I don't have enough space. I'm exhausted, but I can't sleep. I am tired, but cannot rest. I am in a storm, and can't find peace.

I look at my battle scars everyday. I can tell you exactly how they got there. I am reminded daily of my life; no amount of cocoa butter will make the reminders go away. But I cover them up, and keep moving. Keep running, everyday a little bit faster than the day before.

Now, I can't run anymore. Now, my feet won't move under me, my mind won't tell me where to go, my tears blur my vision, my heart won't pump enough life to push me one...more... step. If I were in water, I'd have drowned two weeks ago.

Two weeks ago, God brought me to the company of a friend. Without fully knowing it, this friend reopened some boxes I had stored away. And since I was already in the closet, I decided to pull out the other boxes there. Until then, I hadn't realized how heavy they were, how much it took from me to move them from each place in my life. Until then, I hadn't fully understood how deep my scars were; how the surface blemishes were just reminders of the deeper wounds, hidden by superficial successes.

Since then, I have been looking through each box; unable to sleep, unable to focus on much else. Reflection is essential if you want a clear picture of what is going on...like they say: hindsight is 20/20. I see now how, without know it, I managed to ruin relationships because I couldn't trust the heart of a man after being victimized by them. I just assumed that the feelings they claimed to have for me were a product of lust, not love, that men were incapable of honest and complete love. I see how my physical impairments, have led to emotional handicaps. I see how I lost myself somewhere along the way and have just been following a path of chance, not on the map. School was a cover up. I just threw all of the energy I would have used to deal with my past, into my books. And the successes in school propelled me to do more. I gave too freely of myself, and landed myself in debt. I gave my heart, my time, my energy, my whole self to people when I did not have it to spare. I couldn't even find these things for me, so I gave to others on credit. And now, I am spent.

In a couple of months, I will be moving yet again. Will I just pack all of this mess up, again? Will I be able to get it together in time? I wonder now, how to find myself amidst all of the madness. How do I put myself first in my life? How do I reconcile my credit, learn to trust, learn to love? How do I build from my past without sacrificing pleasures of the present, and worrying so much about the future? I pray that clarity about what to do next comes soon, that peace about my past comes sooner. I know, deep down, that this too shall pass. I know, there is healing for all wounds, surface and deep. I just need to find calm and be patient...so I can allow myself to be His patient.

Only Me

2006-05-18T00:09:00.000-05:00

No one in the world understands who you are better than you. Only you know what you mean to say and how you meant to say it. Only you know what messages you are intending to send via your apparel, body language, or words. Only you know what secrets you keep hidden in the closet or underneath the rug. You, alone, know what makes you feel happy, saddened, or angry.

You can lie to the world, but you can never truly fool yourself. You have absolute control over how you respond to the world, and, in that regard, how the world responds to you. God gave us power over ourselves. We determine our steps under His guidance, but ultimately, we decide. It is the individual who makes the final decision.

Care must be taken to ensure that decisions are made for individual personal gratification and not solely to redeem ourselves in the eyes of others. Too often, we make decisions because we think that someone will be more pleased with us, even if we, ourselves, really don't want to. It is disappointing when we've allowed ourselves to be placed in situations where we are not really happy.

No matter how many friends I have, no matter what family bonds I possess, I know that in the end, it boils down to me. I depend on me, and only me. I live for me, and only me. I am who I am for me, and only me.

Renewed

2006-04-29T22:19:00.000-05:00

The end of the semester was BRUTAL. But, I have learned a lot; more than I expected. Life's lessons are funny sometimes, because the important ones usually don't come from a textbook. I have spent so much time in textbooks, that I have seldom looked up to see the world of knowledge around me. Well, now I have a little time!

I spent the last weeks thinking about what I am worth, my value to myself and to the rest of the world. Here's what I decided:

* the world needs me to contibute as much as I need it.
* no man is worth heartache and drama; both of these are unnecessary and avoidable.
* true friends are there for you, even when you have nothing but friendship to offer them.
* the past is powerful, but not enough to control your life...unless you allow it.
* the future is rich and full of possibilities, but I must take time to live today.
* enjoy being 'in the moment' sometimes. Just breathe and that God for all your blessings.
* your body is the only true possession you have...take care of it.
* I won't allow ANYONE to come and steal my joy.
* I have to live to please God and myself. Everyone else has to get in line.
* When I learn to love myself and all of my flaws, someone else will be able to appreciate me too.
* Smiling really is good for the soul.

And with these decisions, I have made some major changes. Now, my life will reflect who I am and what I believe; I am no longer going along for the ride. I am not a woman in the shadows, I must be accepted for who I am. I am classy, dignified, and proud. I will not play the role. I am who I am, and if you don't like it....move on!

In God I Trust

2006-03-21T14:15:00.000-05:00

Lord, thank you for my blessings:
You didn't have to wake me up this morning,
You didn't have to provide me with food to eat and a place to live,
Thank you for my sanity, my confidence, my wisdom, my courage, and strength;
Thank you foryour clarity, your honesty, guidance, love and friendship.
Lord, thank you for my valleys:
Thank you for the chaos, because now I appreciate the calm.
Thank you for the pain, because I now know the relief of Your deliverance.
Thank you for struggles, because through them I grow and become more courageous,
stronger, more confident and wiser.
Thank you for the hurdles, because as I jump over them, I am brought closer to you.

You provide rain, so that we may grow; storms that blow things around, so that a new path may be uncovered. I know that I am who I am and have experienced what I have experienced so that I may be capable to handle what You have in store for me. In You I am made stronger; in You, I am made whole; and in You I trust completely.

---Amen

On a Journey Called Life...

2006-03-07T21:30:00.000-05:00

I realize that it has been well over a month since I last posted to this blog. A lot has happened between that day and this. God knows how to keep you close.

I am working very diligently to uncover some of my own inner elements, to define myself by my own perceptions of who I am, what I believe, and where I am going. It is much more difficult than I'd expected.

First, when Christa died, things changed drastically in my life. I had never felt such sadness and deep emptiness as I did when she died. Death is no new occurrence in my life, but this one was somehow different. This is not to say that I valued her life over those others who have gone before her, rather I saw my own life in hers. Maybe it was because she was just a baby herself; maybe it was that she had cancer; maybe it was the fight in her eyes, the fire in her spirit, the maturity of her soul; maybe it was her innocence and ability to trust; maybe it was her untouchable faith. Something within her connected with me and when she died, so did a part of me. Her death hit me hard; knocked the wind right out of me. It left me gasping for answers in the air, for purpose, for guidance. And, in spite of my family and friends' presence, I felt utterly alone.

One thing about Christa is that she had this amazing ability to love unconditionally and have faith in everyone. She truly believed that bad people are just good people who make bad choices. She put her trust in everyone. In a way, I envied that ability. Tears fill my eyes thinking about how difficult it is for me to trust, to love, to allow anyone to learn who I am. I am working to develop my ability to not only trust others but also to trust myself.

Further, I have learned and relearned that there is a reason for everything, a time and place for everything under the sun. I have had to majorly step out on faith and just accept the cards I am being dealt. God works in mysterious ways. I believe that the mystery is ours though. He knows exactly what He's doing and where we are going. He just uncovers only enough for us to keep moving. Can you imagine the chaos of the world if we all knew what our futures held?

So, as I decide what my next steps will be, I turn to the One who knows what they should be. I ask for guidance and clarity. And I know He'll provide it.

PLEASE NOTE:

2006-02-07T10:16:00.000-05:00

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance maintained by Goals, insurance called Faith, a driver with a map called God, you will make it to a place called Success.

An Angel Gets Her Wings

2006-02-01T09:03:00.000-05:00

This morning, just in time to catch a ride to heaven with the sun, Christa took her last breath. In the weeks and months leading to this day, Christa was increasingly excited about getting to go to heaven, where she could have all of the peanut butter and jelly sandwiches she wanted. Most importantly, Barbie and Dan (because Ken wasn't as cute) would have the best dream house ever!

For her parents, the devastation is unimaginable. For them, there is an unconsolable feeling of loss and despair. My heart goes out to them. I pray that God bless them with peace and help them to create a new balance in their lives. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and a part of Christa's.

For me, the feeling in indescribable. While Christa wasn't my relative (per se), she was an integral part of my life for the past 6 months. She was my angel. This angel was like a sister to me. I am not sure how my life would be now without her presence. She, in her 7 year old wisdom, has helped me to see the beauty in life; the wonderful things and people in my own life. It was at her insistence that I have given chemotherapy another try. Her courage and strength were contagious and has been one of the leading forces in my own personal recovery, both from cancer and from other obstacles life has thrown in my direction.

While she will be truly missed, her spirit will live on forever. The lessons I have learned from her will guide me forever. And, one day, I will join her in heaven to pick up where we left off...and to taste one of her "especially homemade" peanut butter and jelly sandwiches.

See you then, Christa. ;-)

Lesson 1: The ABCs of You

2006-01-29T02:38:00.000-05:00

The ABC’s of You

As with any relationship, things must start from the beginning. For me, as a teacher, that’s usually the ABCs. One thing about the ABCs is that once you learn them, you usually never forget them. The same holds true for you.

Each letter of the alphabet forms words, which form sentences, which form meaning. You have earned your letters and allowed me to begin to form meaning. Thank you.

Absolutely
Breathtaking,
Confidently Charming,
Down to
Earth,
Fine as hell,
Getatable but guarded, Gentle,
Honest, Hard working,
Introspective, Impressive, Intelligent
Jaunty,
Kindhearted, Knowledgeable
Liberating, Loving,
Magnanimous, Meaningful,
Normal (while still rare! SMILE),
Observant,
Positive, Productive,
Quality,
Respectful, Respectable, Right,
Sexy, Sophisticated, Sensual,
Tough, Talented,
Understanding, Undeniable, Unprecedented,
Vivacious,
WOW! Witty and with
X-ray vision into my mind,
Yoga couldn’t relax me more,
Zealous, zestful.

Love Letter (Part II)

2006-01-27T13:54:00.000-05:00

As I lay next to you, holding you; you holding me, I feel like a butterfly just freed from its cocoon. I listen to your heart as it beats, telling me how much you love me. I lay with you, in the heat of the night and I pray that you will never leave. And then, as if you had read my thoughts, you gently caress me and promise me you’ll always be here. Oh my God! I am really falling…

Now, with the aroma of love working like lavender, and as the world begins to fade into a wonderland behind my eyes, I hear you breathing. I listen as our breaths become one, synchronized in perfect harmony. I dream, you dream…I am falling…

At dawn, you are there, still holding me. You gently caress my arms to wake me. “Hey, gorgeous,” I hear you say. You slowly lift me and take me to the window. As we sit there, in each other’s arms, we watch the sun wake up the world. You say to me, in a soft, gentle voice: “Dawn is one of God’s most beautiful gifts to the world...And you, you are God’s most beautiful gift to me.” I smile, turn to you and tell you what my heart has been trying to say, “I love you.” You pull me closer to you, hold me tightly, and say, “I love you, too.” And with that, I know, I have fallen deeply in love with you.

May this love letter never end.

Love Always,

Doriannicole

On a whole notha level

2006-01-27T00:11:00.000-05:00

By chance doesn't exist. Whenever we step out of our daily routine, it isn't by chance. We may not have planned it, but it happened for a reason. I am convinced that this purpose exists even when we cannot readily identify it.

For instance, I met a man in the parking lot of Moffitt about two months ago. I was there late, visiting Christa and I'd parked in a new place. In the car next to mine sat a man, whose spirit seemed so low and trampled. I got into my car, looked his direction and gave him the most genuine smile I knew how to give and I let my eyes linger for just a moment as if to say: "Smile, everything is going to be alright." I put my car in reverse, and backed out of my space. I never looked back over at him. That night, I added him to my prayers and asked that his spirit be uplifted (because 'nobody should look that pitiful,' I added to God).

Last Saturday, on my way into Moffitt for my own treatments, my spirit felt like a withering flower. My mind was full of emptiness and my heart just wasn't into it. At the elevator, I felt a slight tap on my shoulder. I turned to find the man from the parking lot. I didn't immediately recognize him and I politely asked for a refresher. He told me,"You told me to keep my head up when no one else even saw it down. Thank you. You couldn't know how much that meant to me." I then remembered him from the parking lot and decided that smiles are contagious, joy is contagious, and the power of prayer is awesome. But I also learned the value in going out of your way to try to life someone's spirit.

One never knows who is looking to him for help, understanding, and peace of mind. You must acknowledge the power of prayer, the power of life, and the power of a smile.

Healing

Don't be discouraged

Joy comes in the morning

Know that God is nigh

Stand still and look up

God is going to show up

He is standing by.

There's healing for your sorrow

Healing for your pain

Healing for your spirit

There's shelter from the rain

Lord send the healing

For this we know

There is a balm in Gilead

For there's a balm in Gilead

There is a balm in Gilead

To heal the soul

Healing for the soul

---Richard Smallwood, Live in Detroit

Hair cut!

2006-01-26T19:47:00.000-05:00

Apparently, I am remiss in posting more recent pictures, as I have cut my hair since I started this blog. From the comments that have been posted, I should have more up-to-date pictures. Well, just to show that I listen to you, here is a picture:

But PLEASE don't get it twisted!! This is MY blog! If I want to be outdated, then that's my PERROGATIVE!!! Love ya'll anyway!

For you Brandon and Brian! Love, Aunt Dori Nic

2006-01-26T19:37:00.000-05:00

This is just a shot out to my babies!!! My nephews are getting so big!! They keep me grounded and let me know that our future looks as bright as it ever did.

I think it must be explicitly stated....

2006-01-24T17:39:00.000-05:00

Over the last couple of months, I have recieved lots of commentary about the nature of my posts. I just write what I feel like writing. Some days, I am more into politics; other times, I am into my more private thoughts.

I am not bound by any rules or regulations as they pertain to my writing. I just write. While one's writing is definitely to some extent a reflection of its author , it is not necessarily a mirror reflection by which the audience should make assumptions or pass judgement.

With that being said, I am compelled to add the following:
* Don't hate because I have inspiration for my poems!
* If for some reason, you do not like what you read, DON'T READ IT!
* I am not concerned with your images of who I am and what I stand for; I am not in a position in which I have to answer to you and, quite frankly, you are NOT in a position to question or demand an explanation from me.

The Touch

2006-01-24T17:35:00.000-05:00

It starts with a touch. A calming, soothing, relaxing touch. A touch that defines the boundaries of our relationship. This touch slowly expands the borders of our friendship and lurks premeditatedly in pleasure spots uncharted on his map. In fact, he is like Columbus, in that he is “discovering” places not necessarily untouched or unknown, just foreign to him. With the gentlest of gestures and the most chilling warmth, like ice cubes in hot steamy coffee, my inhibitions are placed aside and my body taken over by the touch.

I cannot speak, my mind stops functioning, and my body controls itself. Like a plant drawn to sunlight, my body is drawn to your touch. Suddenly, I am addicted to the warmth of your hands and the high I get from the rush of passion to the surface of my skin. Suddenly, it’s a drug I can’t get enough of ...what am I doing? This was not in the plan! I think in a futile effort to rescue myself from the impending danger. But the thoughts never make it to the surface for air… they drown in a sea of ecstasy.

I, too, am cast under your spell as you feed rhythm to my hips. The waves in my sea surge to heights unimaginable as my breathing becomes like Category 5 winds, heavy and uncontrollable. As you sail southbound, the danger increases, the storm is unpredictable and unrelenting. Now, the sea is dangerous, the winds are at full force, and the earth, the whole damn universe is trembling.
Unexpectedly, I am able to call out for help. I scream into the wind and brace myself for the force of this storm. Gravity has ceased to exist and I am now floating…

Everything Has Its Time

2006-01-21T22:18:00.000-05:00

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

To everything there is a season; a time for every purpose under heaven:

A time to be born,
And a time to die;
A time to plant,
And a time to pluck what is planted;
A time to kill,
And a time to heal;
A time to break down,
And a time to build up;
A time to weep,
And a time to laugh;
A time to mourn,
And a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones,
And a time to gather stones;
A time to embrace,
And a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to gain,
And a time to lose;
A time to keep,
And a time to throw away;
A time to tear,
And a time to sew;
A time to keep silence,
And a time to speak;
A time to love,
And a time to hate;
A time of war,
And a time of peace.

When I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer almost five years ago, I was devastated. I could not understand why God felt the need to punish me. I felt betrayed by my body and its Creator. I couldn't understand why. I just kept asking God to give me some explanation. And in His time, He has.

He has enabled me to see that there is a much bigger world out there than the one in which I live. I have seen that my life is but a fiber woven into God's intricately detailed master plan. Without me, the world would not be the same. And without the world, the steps I take within it, and the steps others take, I would not be the same. You see, just like the Bible says, there is a purpose for everything. We may not always see it, but it is there and valid.

In the last five years, I have begun to learn how to live. I have traveled and met many wonderful people. And now, contrary to the predictions of doctors almost five years ago, I am still alive. It took this experience to teach me to put my trust in God and not in man and to recognize Him as the ultimate healer.

Had it not been for this fight with cancer, I would never have been here going to school at USF, and I would never have encountered my most recent inspiration:

There is a seven year old girl named Christa who has been my inspiration during the last few months of my cancer treatments. At seven years old, she hasn't been corrupted by the views of the world and has been able to maintain her relationship with God. This is her third year with cancer and she is dying.

When I met her in early September of 2005, she was like a normal child: loud, funny, vivacious, and full of energy and zeal. But she knew then that she was going to die soon. We had several conversations about death, heaven, and living life while you have it. I felt from the first day we met that she was one of the angels God has placed in my life to help keep me in check.

I have not missed one week without seeing her. I go to visit her on my lunch breaks from work and after class during the weeks. I see her often on the weekends. In November, I cut my hair and donated it to her. She wanted to have hair and God afforded me the opportunity to provide it. It was not even a sacrifice for me. She brings a certain light to my life; one that highlights the positive and cast shadows on the negative so I can hardly see them. She helps me to find purpose in every day. She makes me want to be a better person.

Since August, Christa has been living at Moffitt, the cancer center here in Tampa. She is confined to the premises almost all of the time. Her parents live in the adjacent family living facilities located on the premises. She told me that the only reason she'd want to live longer would be to have the opportunity to travel and see the world's beautiful places. She loves to see post cards and pictures on the internet. In fact, together, we have totally decorated her room with pictures from all over the world. And we visit there, in our day dreams, sometimes.

Just last week, we went to the beach. That is one of Christa's favorite places. It is my favorite place too. It is where heaven touches the earth and where you can hear God's voice in the wind. We did what we needed to do to make our trip to the beach fantastic. So, we put on our bathing suits and put on our shades. We turned the lamp toward us and used a portable heater, to simulate the sun and its warmth. Next, we turned on an oscillating fan, to give us a little breeze. Then we created beach sand by filling our sandboxes with store bought sand, placing warm heat packs on the bottom, and digging our feet in. Then, we play our favorite CD with sounds of the beach, and we lay back and relax. With our eyes closed, we imagine we are really there. We talk to each other about what we see in our minds and we escape reality, just for a few minutes. Her body may be dying but her spirit remains alive and well. More importantly, in the moments of silence, we can talk to God.

Many of us don't have time to really converse with God. We make time for other things, but not for those things most important to our well-being. So with this, I thank God for making time for me to talk to Him and for humbling my spirit.

For Christ I live, and For Christ I die.

The Bigger Picture

2006-01-11T16:12:00.000-05:00

Lately, I have been thinking about the people I have encountered over the last year and how my life has changed as a result. I concluded that everyone could be categorized into three different sections: those I knew but just met, those I met but just got to know, and those who have been consistent fixtures in my life.
Among those in the first category would be those people with whom I made instant connections; those with whom my relationship felt so comfortable and easy from the very beginning. I would consider as recent additions to this list; Justilien, David, Curtis, Shamar, Celeste, Sasha, Natasha, Yolanda, and Kevin. Although I met all of them in the past year or so, it feels as if I've know them forever. It is as if we are reading from the same page (on so many different levels.) We just click.
The next category consists of people who, for whatever reason, I had previously met but didn't really get to know well until recently. Their true identities (and mine too) emerged very clearly. Some of these were wonderful, some were disappointing. Among those in this list, one would find: Kumar, David, Stephanie, Erika, Chris, and Jason. Whether positive or not, all of them has had a very positive effect on my life and each is an integral part of what makes me who I am.
The last category, is the most dear to me. My rocks. They are not new additions to my life, but those who were there to help build the foundation. These are the people who have been there for me when it seems no one else cared. They are those who walk with me (on the phone) late at night when I am by myself, those who force me to care about the important things in life, those who enlighten me, who build my spirit with the strength of theirs, those who pray for me, those who let me cry, those who hold my hand, those who sacrifice so that I am not alone.
Those people are my mother, Nikki, Ms. Cookie, Mr. Willie, Breezy, and Caleshia. To all of whom I own much of my success in life. My mother has given all that she has and is always ready to give more. Nikki listens to all of my drama and keeps me sane. Ms. Cookie and Mr. Willie have continued to encourage me and believe in me when I doubted myself. Breezy gives me a standard to keep. She makes me want to be better so that she can follow in good footsteps. And Caleshia has become one of my best friends. When I thought I'd lose my hair to chemotherapy, she was willing to shave hers bald with me so that I wouldn't be alone. When I am drowning in frustration, she performs CPR.

It is truly amazing that our footsteps were mapped out so delicately that we cross each other's paths. This idea serves to give my life purpose and make my relationships meaningful and worth the time. It allows for every person I encounter to give value to my life. It makes me a better person. Thank you.

* The above mentioned lists are in no way and by no means exhaustive.

Un Poemita

2006-01-08T08:58:00.000-05:00

La Depresión del Muerte

No puedo hablar, no puedo decir nada
Pues, podría pero no movería el agua.

Nunca he sentido así anteriormente
Como una niña callada de repente.

Entonces, espero que la sientas la emoción
Que dentro la cabeza crea tanta conmoción.

Rezo que puedas oír mis pensamientos
Que, a través de las nubes, intento meter en los cielos

Lágrimas del dolor mi corazón está llorando
La presión de la vida sigue aumentando.

No puedo luchar, no puedo hacer nada
Pues, podría pero no movería el agua.

Do you believe in Christmas?

2005-12-25T15:45:00.000-05:00

For the past two to three weeks, I have done everything humanly possible to evade any and every store imaginable. I have listened to people panic over the possibility that their loved ones won't recieve their gifts on time. I have encountered numerous "Christmas grumps" who scream and yell and start fights over the stupidest stuff or just for the fun of it. The number of people having heart attacks and strokes HAS to go up during the holiday season. And, I can't understand why.
This is Christmas...notice the first part of the word CHRISTmas. (I had to bold the letters because otherwise it may go unnoticed...like it seems to have everywhere else.) That is what is so funny to me. We cannot wish our students, our coworkers, or anyone we don't know a MERRY CHRISTMAS because it is a "religious holiday." Yet, finding religion on such a day has never proven to be more difficult.
Apparently, Christmas is supposed to be the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ. However, on this very day, because they feared low attendance, many churches were closed. Santa Claus, however, was able to make his presence (presents, whichever spelling applies) known. More stories were told of a make believe old man and his nine reindeer who travel the globe bringing joy to all of the children...but, how many were told of He who brings joy EVERYDAY to the whole world? Not nearly as many.
For those who did find an open church or went to the Saturday service, or midnight mass, how can you combine the belief of two entities whom you have never seen? Santa gets credit for bringing joy through toys, Jesus gives you life and love. For some, it doesn't work at all. Jesus provided made it possible for some to be able to buy the toys AND still have electricity and a place to live. Some will be relying on battery operated toys for their diversions. But for most, Jesus and Santa aren't in competition...on this day Santa wins. In fact, many don't think about Jesus and his 12 disciples, but Santa and his 9 reindeer.
I must say that the Bible clearly says "For God so loved the world that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in him shall not perish but have everlasting life." (John 3:16) And that gift, the gift of life and salvation, is much more valuable than anything an old fat man and his reindeer could bring, hands down. To get God's gift, there is no need for lines, no cause for stress, and plenty enough for everyone who wants in. There is never a need for a receipt or a credit card. You can enjoy this gift well after December 25, with no warranty papers to fill out... Guaranteed.

Can't Give Up Now

2005-12-17T19:50:00.000-05:00

The pain of an eternal loneliness casts a dark shadow over my life. The scars left from this journey’s previous thorns are darkened and made deeper. At some moments, it is as if God himself has abandoned me. He promised never to leave or forsake me. He promised to bring comfort in times of need. He promised never to put more on me than I could bear. In the deepest core of my heart, I know this to be the truth. But now, I can’t reach that deep. Now my heart has stopped beating. My lungs have stopped breathing. I am dead.
The tears of suffering and frustration rush to my eyes creating a sudden and unstoppable waterfall. As the water cascades down my face, images of dreams play behind images of reality. I can’t make it stop. My body has been destroyed but not as severely as my heart and soul. The depth of suffering and pain on the inside far outweighs the same on the surface. I live now just to die later. While death is being postponed, life is through. What purpose could I have now?
My father turns in his eternal slumber at the idea that his name dies with me. The genetic traits passed on from his lineage end now. And why? Because I was chosen to be punished. I fear the worst is yet to come. Like a child with an abusive father, I try to decide what I have done to deserve this. I have to believe that this is what He wanted. That because of this happening now, something will blossom later. I have to believe that.
Just when I am getting ready to lose all hope and faith, there is a shift change at the hospital. My Doctor enters and with a single look, assures me. With a single word, He revives me. With a single touch, He begins to heal me. He gives me just enough to confirm my beliefs. Because I couldn’t reach any deeper, He extends His hand for me.
As I walk the journey of recovery, I fear nothing for I know I am not alone. I fear neither death nor life. I see that my life is but a small pixel in His plan; without me and my trials and tribulations, the picture cannot be completed. Every day, I now give thanks for the hurdles of my life because every time I have to jump over them, I am lifted closer to Him.

Written to and for...well, you know who you are.

2005-12-17T19:32:00.000-05:00

Mr. T.

Living in a world all of my own,
Dancing and smiling all the day long,
Then who should come to help with my phone,
A man who went to school with Raheim Devaughn.

We talked for quite some time in the store,
I sent him an email plea for some more,
From the very moment that we met,
I knew it was he I wanted to get.

He surprised me and responded to my plea,
Saying that unfortunately he was married.
I tried to unselfishly reconcile my feelings
And told myself I had to limit our dealings.

But, I just couldn’t stay away,
My emotions were out of control;
My feelings every whicha way.
Sexual tranquility was my new goal.

Now, today, as I watched him lick his lips
I imagined his hands holding my hips.
I dreamt of his body pressed against mine
Moaning and groaning and forgetting about time

Just that fast, I forgot about his wife
I forgot he had kids and a whole separate life.
I just thought of the passion he held in his eyes
I felt the warm sensations percolating between my thighs.

Selfishly, I remained in a trance,
Thinking, wondering what to do next.
I craved him so badly I didn’t want to breathe,
Unless I could inhale and exhale with him inside me.

I need to feel his lips as they touch mine,
I crave his tongue sliding really deep inside,
Tasting me softly and holding me tightly,
Caressing my softness in the firm of his hands.

And then, just at the moment when my desire is burning,
He penetrates my soul to extinguish my yearning.
Slow dancing with my heart and soul,
Heating the room like old fashioned coals.

On his back I ask him to lie,
I need to taste him so badly, I could cry.
Kissing him from his head on down
I listen as he fights to control the sounds.

Oh but I can’t; he tastes so good.
I am so ready, so in the mood.
I take him in slowly and savor his flavor
I dream about when he returns the favor.

My tongue dances with his manhood
Oh how his life feels and tastes so good!
God please, please wake me from this dream
Oh tell me this isn’t as good as it seems.

As I lay now awake, the dream now over
Feelings of guilt began to hover
How can I feel this way about a married man?
As if my values were being lost in quicksand.

I recognize that there are some mistakes
That can’t be made for his children’s sakes
That his marriage means that there’s love at home
Leaving absolutely no room for his heart to roam.

So ends the story of a intellectual affair
One that no one ever suspected was there.
A story of a physiological attraction so strong,
That felt so good, but was clearly so wrong.

I pray for his happiness in life,
May he and his family evade all strife,
For me, I pray for forgiveness
For playing the role of the evil temptress.

And so our paths have to part,
As they should have from the start.
To our own lives we return,
This meeting of the minds is now adjourned.

By: Doriannicole Haynes
August 2005

Can you Handle Me? (10 min Poetry)

2005-12-17T19:22:00.000-05:00

Can You Handle Me?

I’m the darkest brown coffee bean;
And added to it, a little sugar and cream.

I’m the best vanilla ice cream in the world;
And add praline pecans and a thick caramel swirl.

I’m a hot cup of cinnamon apple tea;
Delicately sweetened with just enough honey.

I’m a warm soft peanut butter cookie;
With a Hershey’s kiss melting in its nookie.

I’m a chewy double fudge brownie square;
Invaded by white chocolate bits everywhere.

I’m a strip of caramel in a chocolate candy bar;
A Payday that makes em’ want to go to war.

I’m a “Hot Right Now” Krispy Kreme delight;
Can't resist the urge once I'm in your sight.

I’m a taste of the best Puerto Rican Rum;
With a splash of Coke, (don’t you want some?)

I’m a maximum strength Long Island Iced Tea;
A lot of strong flavors combined to make me.

Are you ready for the strength of my coffee;
The thickness of my swirl, the sweetness of my honey?

Can you handle the chocolate as it melts in your mouth?
Do you prefer the Delirium of the north or the Tropical Storm of the south?

Doriannicole Haynes
09 December 2005

Love Letter (Part I)

2005-12-17T19:19:00.000-05:00

Make love to me, holding me so closely that our breaths synchronize. Poison me with your charm, your charisma, and your caring. Make love to my mind, pushing my imagination to seek new depths of passion. Make love to my soul, dancing with my spirit with each kiss. Dream with me. Take me deep into your most intimate fantasies. Pioneer new horizons, experiment with the unknown. Catch me, I am falling.

Watch as I slowly remove our barriers, exposing my hidden features to your eyes. Come close as I allay you of your obstacles. Gently gliding my hands and my body all over your dark chocolate skin, smooth like silk. My desire for you is growing every second. I am preparing to give your soul a home. Catch me, I am falling.

Delve deeply into my heart of desire. Let your sword be my weapon and I will take down your shield. Escape with me to places unknown, places lost to reality. Feel the heat of the summer. Caress my body like leaves on a breezy autumn day. Cradle me closely, as if it were winter. Let me emerge from within like the first day of spring. Catch me, I am falling.

Take my body, as I take yours, letting your sweet hardness melt in my mouth like cotton candy. I will discover your hidden pleasures. Come closer, deeper as if you were burying a treasure. Penetrate my soul. Oh, please… Oh, pleeease…Help me to lose control. Catch me….Yesss!! Hold me….I am falling…

Together, we can make Part II.

With love and great anticipation,

Doriannicole

And What About Me?

2005-12-17T18:43:00.000-05:00

A Sister’s Perspective… And What about Me?

Thank you, my brother for telling me what you want. It made me realize that I really do have a lot to offer… and a lot to learn.
But what about my needs? There are many books on “How to find…, How to love.., How to please…, or How to keep, etc., a Good Man.” Has anyone told you how to find, love, please, and keep me? Well, may I?

I want a GMC, a Good Man who is…
Christian… Someone who knows WHOSE he is and WHO he is in Christ. Somebody who doesn’t mind saying grace aloud (for BOTH of us) and ain’t afraid to say it in public. Someone who can pray with me, and when I ain’t acting right, pray FOR me, and when I’m going through, pray OVER me. I want a man that knows that Ephesians 5:22 (“Wives submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.”) is followed by verse 25 (“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her”). I need a warrior for the Lord, someone who will lead our battles against Satan, someone who is capable of being the spiritual head of our family.

Conscious… Someone who is conscious of his feelings and fears. Can you forget that while growing up, you were taught to hide your emotions? Why? Because our little boy will mimic and eventually become what you are. I want him to become a man who knows it’s okay to hug other men in fellowship and with agape love, and that it is okay to cry when you are hurt and/ or happy. I need a man who will love our little girl in such a way that she will grow up with serious expectations of a man and eventually, a husband. I love being with a man who is strong, but it’s okay to confide in me that you don’t have the answer… Best friends do that sometimes, ya know.

Consistent… I like a man who is a DOer not a TALKer. You don’t have to tell me what you are going to do. JUST DO IT!! I need a man who will be the man ALL THE TIME…even when it is not convenient or comfortable, and is sometimes confrontational.

Chivalrous…Yeah, it is nice to have doors opened (and closed), but it goes deeper than that. You know how you love those massages? Would you be willing to show me how good they feel to you? I know what your favorite meal is. When will you surprise me with mine? I like a man who becomes intimate with my likes and dislikes, preferences and whims.

Creative… Did you see “Soul Food”? I’d be interested in someone who could put that bathroom scene to shame. I want somebody who knows when to take his time… and when we don’t have a lot of time, someone who knows that the things he does for me ALL DAY (not a little bump ‘n’ grind, honey), can be considered as foreplay. Somebody who can pace himself and wait on me… Girl, can I get a witness? And can I please speak to the brother who doesn’t care about the WHEN or the WHERE as long as it is with me? You already know what kissing my ear will do, but them ears gets tired sometimes…what about that spot on the small of my back… naw, not there… over a little more. Ya’ll don’t hear me!!!

Chocolate... I don’t care if he is German chocolate, cappuccino chocolate, mocha, Swiss, white, single or double dipped in chocolate, jute gimme chocolate ‘cause that’s my favorite flavor.

And you may ask, my brother, what is in this for you?

Hmmmm… an ear and a shoulder instead of a mouth and a bad attitude, a good friend and confidant, maybe even your own customized half-time show during the football game, a nice bath when you get home from work… get the picture?

--Doriannicole Haynes

‘Be very careful if you make a woman cry, because God counts her tears. The woman came out of a man’s rib. Not from his feet, to be walked on. Not from his head, to be superior. But from the side, to be equal. Under the arm, to be protected, and next to the heart, to be loved.”
--- Hebrew Talmud

Overcoming Obstacles

2005-09-08T19:48:00.000-05:00

Each day you live is a blessing, and each challenge you face is a blessing within that blessing. I know that, at times, it seems easier to just throw your hands up and quit, but then you walk away defeated. But when you persist, even when the outcome seems unfavorable, you have succeeded; for you have learned something, challenged yourself in ways never imagined, and attempted to do the impossible. For that, you wouldn’t be a failure but braver than the bravest lion and stronger than the strongest animal. On the other hand, if your efforts result in your favorable outcome, then, you have won all the way around.

While you are in battle, facing those challenges head on, be careful not to lose sight of your goal. If you aren’t sure of your goal; stop, step back, and find it. Be sure of your goal. Fighting a battle for no cause (or the wrong cause) is an unforgiving waste of energy and effort. It also ensures that you never succeed in attaining that goal.

Finally, when you are in the trenches, fighting for your life, remember to smile at your neighbor (and thank the Lord for the small miracle when he/she smiles back.) Never let your challenges or obstacles be so large that they cast a shadow over your life. You must still find time to smell the proverbial roses, to find yourself in someone’s loving embrace, to enjoy the many other blessings God has given you. Each day is a new start, the first day of the rest of your life. Don’t hesitate to live life richly as no one is promised even the next moment. So, in this sense, tomorrow could be your first and last day. Live it as such.

2005-09-08T16:46:00.000-05:00

A recent picture of me